


Jigsaw Girl

by Sambam327



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Clarke, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Episodes, Detroit, F/F, Lexa won't give up on Clarke, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Writer Lexa, being torn apart and finding a way back together again, runaway Clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-16 23:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 152,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8122192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sambam327/pseuds/Sambam327
Summary: The day that Lexa met Clarke, she found out about her two rules. The first, was to never fall in love. The second, was to never let anyone fall in love with her. But as it turns out, rules are broken everyday and they both end up falling head over heels in love with each other. The reason Clarke had those rules is a secret, until one day she can't hide it anymore, and after some very big events, decides to leave Lexa. She thinks it's what is best for Lexa, so she leaves without so much as a word of where she is going.Lexa searches for Clarke for three years. She is a writer and decides to tell their story, in hopes that Clarke will read it and come back to her, or at least let her know she is ok. What happens when they come face to face again, and will hearing their story told from Lexa's side help Clarke realize they can be together and happy. Can Lexa convince Clarke that she wants to be with her no matter what, and that together they can make it work?





	1. I begged you not to

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man. So I was talking with my friend @shaikru about another story idea I had (shes the best and really thought it was a good idea so yell at her for this. But don't really yell at her because she's my friend and I will cut you if you do) After talking with her, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Some of this story will consist of probably the most personal things I have ever written, and I'm pretty nervous about it. 
> 
> The subject is something I am all to familiar with, but I haven't really ever written too much about. It's always good to challenge yourself as a writer so let's see how this goes.
> 
> I have to warn you that there is violence, in this story, and even some self harm. 
> 
> Also, I am currently writing another story that is my main focus, but I will try to do both as best as I can. Writing this story takes me to the scary dark places in my mind, so I really can't promise to update once a week like the other, but I do have this story planned and mapped out.
> 
> If you want, you can come talk to me about this story or my other one, or anything really over on tumblr @sam-bambino
> 
> Thank you for giving this story a chance.
> 
> Much love  
> -Sam

“Lexa? Are you excited? Today is the big day!” Lexa’s publisher and best friend Raven asks her over the phone.

 

Lexa thinks for a second. Sure she is excited. Who wouldn't be? Today is the day her very first book gets published. She's excited, but more nervous. No make that scared shitless.

 

Lexa is on the balcony of her loft, standing at the railing, while drinking her coffee and enjoying the view of the Detroit skyline. Lexa Woods has lived in the metro Detroit area her whole life, but it was in one of the upper middle class neighboring cities. Now she lives smack dab in the middle of her favorite city. To be honest, she never really liked Detroit before a few years ago. She saw it as a lot of people did. As the most dangerous city in America four years running. She saw the vacant and crumbling buildings as an eye sore, or just another place you could be murdered, instead of the broken yet beautiful buildings she sees them as now. She used to come to the city only for Tigers baseball games with her dad. That was it. But that was before. Before one night, before her...

 

“Don't worry Lex, a ton of fucking people are going to read that book. And they are going to love it. Seriously, you're going to be an even bigger pussy magnet then you are now.” Raven says, filling up the silence from the other end. She sounds like she is at her office.

 

“I only want one person to read it, Rae. I don't care if anyone else does.” Lexa sighs into the phone. “And did you really just say pussy magnet?”

 

“Sure the fuck did. I swear dude, if you actually got that sand out of your vagina and noticed how many fucking girls drool over your sad but hopeful puppy dog eyes… oh shit hold up.” Lexa hears some ruffling on the other end. “Susan that better not be the last fucking bagel! That shit isn't on your fucking weight watchers program.” Lexa can hear Raven talking to someone with in her office.

 

She hears something about Oprah and bread, from who she assumes is Susan, before the voices disappear from being too far away. She takes the opportunity to sip her coffee, and look over the view one more time, before heading back into her loft. She walks into the kitchen putting her cup in the sink.

 

“I swear I'll cut you Susan, use the bagel cutter on those sticky fucking fingers of yours. Shit! Sorry about that.” Raven says, out of breath. “Bitch was trying to steal the last fucking bagel after I know she already had one.”

 

Lexa laughs. “What did you do wrestle it from her?”

 

“You bet your sweet little ass I did. I sign the checks around here, and I say she can’t have the last one. Plus, she has been doing really well and has lost a ton of weight. I’m just looking out for my employees. I’m such a caring boss.”

 

Lexa laughs. “By threatening to use a bagel cutter on her? How did I think letting you be in charge of my career was a good thing?”

 

She can hear Raven chewing loudly on the other end. "Well you wanted your fucking book published, so I bought this publishing company and I got it published didn't I?”

 

Lexa looks over to her counter, where her book sits. “Yea you did. Seriously, thank you Rae. I mean it.”

 

“No need to thank me, you know I needed something to do because I was bored out of my fucking mind! Being rich is so hard some times. Be thankful you’re just a middle class peasant.”

 

“You poor thing.”

 

“What are bros for? Anyway, don't be scared. It's going to be a huge hit.”

 

Lexa bites her lip, a nervous habit she could never get rid of. “Do you think she will be mad when she reads it?”

 

Raven doesn't say anything right away. “Well you are telling her story, but you still have that contract she signed, changed her name in the book and you used a Pen name. Which speaking of, how do you know she will even read it since you are using a pen name?”

 

Lexa reaches for her book, sliding it closer to her. She runs her hand over the hard cover, looking at the picture, before looking at the tattoo on her wrist. “That contract is written on the back of a napkin. And what do you mean how will she know? Have you even seen the book yet?”

 

Raven laughs into the phone. “Oh ha right, the title and cover. Then I really hope she sees it bud. And if not, if she doesn't read it, you can officially say you tried everything. If you don't find her after this though, please will you move on?”

 

Lexa doesn't know what she will do if this doesn't work. But it probably won't be moving on, considering it's been almost three years already.

 

"Lexa." Raven says sternly.

 

“Just…let's give this a chance first. And if it doesn't work, I'll think about it. But I have to go. I'm meeting my parents for a celebratory brunch in an hour.” Lexa bites her lips some more, waiting to see if Rae will actually let the subject drop.

 

“Ok nerd. Tell them hi from their favorite stray. And I will see you tonight for your celebratory shots! Toodaloo mother fucker!”

 

Raven hangs up before Lexa can respond. She takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. Then Lexa runs her hand over the cover of the book and traces her fingers over the title ‘Jigsaw Girl’ by L. Forest.

 

She will see it, Lexa tells herself. She will see it and come home, or let Lexa find her. She has too.

 

 

One month later…

 

 

Clarke Griffin is running late, but that is nothing new. Time management requires one to be able to pay attention and be aware. That's not Clarke. Very few things are able to grasp Clarke’s attention, unless she has a piece of charcoal and paper in her hands. But when that happens, it sucks her in until she is no longer aware of anything else. And that's exactly why she is running late tonight. She saw something and had to draw it, missing her bus twice while doing so.

 

She has to be to the club in twenty minutes or she will lose yet another job, which will not please her probation officer. She bites her finger nails and checks her watch every two seconds which she swears is five minutes. When her stop is in sight she hops up out of her seat, and is waiting by the bus door before the tires stop rolling. When her Converse hit the cement she takes off running.

 

She makes it just in time, with only a minor glare from the house mother. “You better get changed, Juliet. You hit the main stage next.” She tells Clarke, who nods, and rushes to get changed.

 

Clarke has been dancing off and on for the last three years. The money is as good as she can get out there for a high school drop out with no working experience. She's had to deal with disgusting men that touch her for her whole life, so it's not hard to grit her teeth and bear it for a four-minute song a couple dozen times a night.  Not when it pays her storage rent, keeps her fed most of the time and allows her to buy the expensive medication she needs.

 

Once dressed, or more like undressed, she makes her way to the main stage to wait for her turn. As the next song changes, so do all the girls. Clarke takes her spot, and then locks the world away. She focuses on dancing and moving her body to the music, and nothing else. She blocks out the hungry eyes and whistles coming from the men, and just dances until the next two songs are over and she has to head out onto the floor.

 

Before she can make it though, she is stopped by the owner. “Juliet, follow me.”

 

Clarke doesn't respond, just follows the man into the VIP section. “We just had someone ask for you specifically, and they dropped a pretty fucking penny to have you for the rest of the night. So do me proud babe, get down with whatever they want, and I'll give you a bigger than normal cut.”

 

He means sleep with them, and that makes her stop in her tracks. “No. No I can't.” Not again. Never again.

 

He starts pushing her towards the private rooms, but she stops again. He sighs. “It's a woman, so she might just want to cuddle. But you're going in there, or I will call your probation officer and get you fucking thrown in jail. Don't test me, girl. Remember there are dozens of other hot bitches that want your job, you’re nothing more than just another set of tits.”

 

He opens the door and pushes Clarke inside before closing it behind her. There is a thick red curtain separating Clarke from the customer, so they can't see as she falls to the ground. She puts her face in her hands and tries too silent the sobs, but it's no use. She thinks about what he said about calling her probation officer, and there is no way she can go to jail.

 

"Hello?" She hears the woman behind the curtain call out.

 

Clarke wipes her eyes, before standing up. She sees a bottle of champagne on the drink cart that’s already open, and picks it up. Bringing the bottle to her lips, Clarke drains half of it, before walking through the curtain to meet the person who bought her for the night. The thought almost makes the champagne come right back up. She almost wishes she was in an episode right now, but immediately shakes that stupid ass thought away. If she was wishing things, she would wish she would never have another episode ever again so she can go home.

 

The Latina woman waiting for her is stunning. She's in her early twenties, with thick brown hair and dark eyes that draw your own in, and don't want to let you look away from them. “Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.”

 

If she wasn't so sick to her stomach, Clarke would have laughed. This was not the reaction she was expecting. Clarke flips an internal switch, and becomes one of her very practiced alternate personalities, Juliet. Juliet is sexy, confident and fun. People always love Juliet. “Like what you see?” She asks the girl, whose mouth has yet to come up from the floor.

 

“Fucking right…I mean no. Yes.” The girl bites her thumb and shakes her head. “Yes I do like what I see, but I can't act on it. God damn though, fuck! Have you seen your body? Jesus.”

 

The woman is sitting in a chair, and if Clarke wants to get paid, and stay out of jail she needs to make sure she doesn't screw this up. And it's already off to a weird start. Clarke walks seductively over to the chair and throws one of her legs over, straddling the woman. Also noticing she has a brace on one of her legs. “Is this your first time? Don't be scared.” Clarke purrs in her ear.

 

The woman laughs. “Is this my first time? Oh honey, you're so cute. No, wait actually this would be a first. I didn't drop all that money for a dance Clarke, unfortunately.”

 

Hearing her real name makes Clarke jump up and out of the stranger’s lap. “What did you just call me?”

 

“That's your name isn't it. I don't know what I want more, for you to be Clarke so I can do what I came here to do. Or for you to not be Clarke, so I can do what I just imagined doing to you.” The woman stands up and pulls out a briefcase from behind the chair. “Unfortunately, I have a feeling you are the Clarke I am looking for. You changed your hair, looks nice.”

 

Clarke stares open mouthed at the woman, wondering if this is really happening or not. Had she slipped into an episode and is aware? “Who are you? Why are you here and how do you know my name?” Clarke is frozen. She doesn't know what to do. No one in Chicago knows her real name besides the court system and her doctor. Plus, she hasn't even told anyone she was here or talked to anyone from her old life since she left three years ago.

 

“My name is Raven Reyes and…oh fuck, here.” She takes off her blazer and hands it to Clarke, who puts it around her shoulders to cover herself. “No wonder she can't move on, are those things even real?” Raven asks looking at Clarke's chest.

 

Clarke’s eyes go wide. “Who can't move on?” Clarke knows who she is talking about, but isn't mentally strong enough to hear it. “No, please don't say her name.” She starts backing up, away from Raven, and can feel the stinging of tears again in her eyes. She can't hear her name, it's bad enough her green eyes haunt her dreams and her perfect face fills up her sketchbooks. Clarke never talks about her. Not to her doctors, not to her friends. No one.

 

Raven eyes Clarke, trying to figure out how to proceed. “She wanted to leave it up to fate, but it's already been a month. I can't stand seeing her jump with hope every time she gets a phone call or a notification just to be destroyed when it isn't you.”

 

“Lexa.” Clarke whispers as she falls back to the ground, hiding her face. This is the first time she has spoken that name out loud in three years.

 

“The one and only.” The locks click as Raven opens the briefcase causing Clarke to look back up at her. The case is filled with cash, and on top of it a book. “There is twenty grand in here. It's yours no matter what, but I think it's time you came home. Or at least just a visit.” Raven picks up the book and bends down to hand it to Clarke. “She just wrote her first book and it's on the New York Times bestseller list. Have you seen it?”

 

Clarke looks at the cover and starts crying harder. She grabs it and runs her hand over the wilted flower on the cover. “Jigsaw Girl? Is this…?”

 

“Yes, it’s your story. Listen, I get why you left.” Raven starts before Clarke interrupts her.

 

“Oh really you do?” Clarke stands back up, suddenly angry. “I fucking doubt that.”

 

Raven nods, and holds her hands up. “Ok you're right. I don't get it; I can only imagine. But I think you owe her some closure at least.” Clarke stares back at Raven, but she won't back down. “Lexa is my best friend, and one of the greatest people I know.”

 

“That's why I left.” Clarke says looking back down at the book in her hands.

 

“I know. But it's been three years, and she hasn't stopped looking for you. She doesn't know if your alive or not, she doesn't know of you're ok. And with everything you guys have been through, don't you think she deserves at least that?” Raven folds her arms once Clarke's attention is again on her. “Hey, I can't force you to come back, and I can't force you to read that book, but I would strongly urge you to do both. But either way, you're living in a shelter and out of your storage unit, so take this money at least and get yourself an apartment if you won't come back.”

 

“I don't want her money. And how the hell did you know that?” Clarke takes another step back from Raven.

 

"It's not her money. It's mine, and I hired someone to find you. I know that I don't actually know you, but I feel like I do. You're still very much a huge part of Lexa's life, even if you aren't physically in it. You don't deserve to live like this, and I am able to help.”

 

Anger flashes over Clarke's face again. “You're right, you don't know me, or what the fuck I deserve.”

 

Raven sighs. “Ok, fair enough. But I do know Lexa. And she deserves a chance to talk to you, or a real goodbye at the very least.”

 

“I left because she deserves more. I've stayed away so she can find someone who is worthy of her.” Clarke subconsciously brings the book to her chest, and the action does not go unnoticed by Raven.

 

“Come home, or don't. That is your choice. But who are you to decide for her who is worthy and who is not? The heart wants what it wants sweets, and hers chose you. She's the greatest person I have ever met, and she doesn't deserve to keep wondering where you are. You at least owe her a phone call or a text, for fucks sake.” Raven closes up the briefcase, and turns back with her hands on her hips. “But you should really just go home. Go see her. I'm staying at a hotel up the street, and have two plane tickets to leave in the morning. Come with me. Please.”

 

Clarke's heart is screaming yes. She wants to see Lexa. She wants to run her hands through her wild hair, and kiss her until she can't breathe. She wants to crawl back into her arms, and lay her head in _her_ spot on Lexa's chest. But her mind says no. It's saying to stick to the plan. To remember that she did all of this to protect Lexa and save her beautiful heart and soul. “I can't leave the city. I got into some trouble…”

 

“I took care of it. I paid off your probation, the restitution, and got all the charges wiped from your record.” Raven grabs the briefcase, getting ready to leave.

 

“Why are you doing this?” Clarke can't believe someone would go through all this trouble for her. Then it clicks before Raven responds. It's not for Clarke, but for Lexa.

 

“Your life isn't the only life she has saved. Now come on, you have no more excuses, so let's get out of here.” Raven walks over to Clarke and puts her hand on the small of her back before Clarke can say no. Clarke really isn't sure if she should be doing this, but can't find her voice to say no.

 

Clarke is on auto pilot and let's Raven lead her out of the VIP room to the dressing room to get her bag, and then out of the club before they get into a cab. She stares at the book the entire time, but isn't seeing it. Her mind is seeing green eyes staring down at her with wonder and love. She sees a big goofy smile plastered on plump lips, while they cuddle and wrestle under a sheet in Lexa's bed. She doesn't realize she is crying, until she feels Raven’s hand move to her shoulder.

 

Clarke looks over to Raven, who is holding out her phone. “Maybe hearing her voice will help. She's under Poop Emoji, with the gun and middle finger next to it.”

 

Clarke doesn't take the phone, so Raven finds Lexa's contact, and presses the call button. “It's ringing.”

 

"Please hang up. Please!” Clarke begs Raven and she does.

 

“Ok sorry. Well maybe you can try when we are at the hotel? I was going to tell her tonight, but she would probably rather hear from you. Am I like the worlds best best friend or what? I hope she gets me a present. Do you think she will get me a present? Probably. She's a good bro like that.”

 

Clarke doesn't answer, because how the hell does she know if Lexa will get her a present or not, she hasn't seen Lexa in three years.  And she sure as hell doesn't know if she can call her. She doesn't know what hearing Lexa's voice would do to her. If she's this worried about her voice, what is she going to do when she gets back in Detroit and has to see her face. Her beautiful fucking face that she has completely memorized, down to every barely there freckle and line.

 

Suddenly it's all too much for Clarke. Her heart races and her hands shake. Raven notices and reaches into her purse grabbing the flask she keeps there. She hands it to Clarke who takes a huge pull from it. Then she takes a breath and does it again.

 

“Whoa, slow down there killer. That's some strong stuff in there.” She reaches over and takes the flask back, just as they reach the hotel.

 

Raven gets out of the cab and waits for Clarke, who is having a hard time deciding if she should open the door and run or continue on with this stranger. Raven opens the door for her, and she holds her hand out for Clarke.

 

“Please don't make me chase you, I only have one good leg.” She jokes.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath. She looks up at the hotel building, and decides she will do this.  Not for herself, but for Lexa.

 

Walking through the hotel with basically nothing but a blazer on would be fine if Clarke was being Juliet. But she's not Juliet right now, she's Clarke. So all the eyes on her as they walk through the lobby just make her anxiety soar. She starts shaking and she doesn't know if it's from being cold or anxious.

 

Raven is talking to her the whole time, but she can't focus on any of the words she's saying, as her own thoughts are being too loud. Even in the elevator where it's just the two of them, she can't hear anything.

 

They make their way into the suite, and Raven shows her around. She puts her phone down on the desk next to Clarke's, and goes to make a drink at the bar. Clarke stares at the cell phone, and thinks only of Lexa. She knows she hurt Lexa, and she regrets it every single fucking day of her life. This was never supposed to happen. Clarke had rules. Never fall in love and never let anyone else fall in love with her. She begged Lexa not to fall in love with her in the beginning, but she didn't listen. And she is so mad at her own self for falling in love with Lexa back, making it an even bigger heartbreak.

 

“Hey if you wanna get changed there is a bathroom out there or in the master bedroom. And it pains me to say this, but I have to highly suggest that you do. really need you to cover up. I'm thinking all kinds of dirty things you don't want me to be thinking. And considering you're my best friends girl….”

 

Clarke jumps up and grabs the phone, before running into the bathroom and slams the door. She can't control her rage thinking about how if Lexa would have just fucking listened in the first place, no one would be in the position they are in. Clarke wouldn't have had to leave Detroit, Lexa wouldn't be so worried about her, and she wouldn't have to be locked in some strangers hotel bathroom fuming over it all. She slides open the phone, and scrolls to the most resent call, clicking it.  Before she can stop herself, she hits the call button.

 

 

 

 

Lexa is laying on her bed, reading for probably the millionth time, her old and tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet. Clarke had gotten it for her, for her birthday two weeks before she left. She keeps it on her at all times, and reads it so much that she is surprised it hasn't fallen completely apart.

 

She can recite the whole play line for line, but doesn't ever tire of it. Her phone rings, and she glances over, debating on if she should answer it. It’s after two in the morning, so it’s probably a drunk dial. She sees that it's Raven so she puts the book down and answers it.

 

“What up Rae? How's Vegas? Spend your small fortune on booze and prostitutes? Please say yes, pops will owe me a hundred bucks.” She can only hear small frantic breaths on the other end. “Rae? Is everything ok?” The breaths turn into sobs. “Raven?”

 

“I told you not to fall in love with me. I begged you!” The voice on the other end isn't Raven’s, but she knows this voice. She loves this voice. This voice narrates the best of her dreams and the worst of her nightmares.

 

“Clarke? Clarke, is that you?” Lexa can hear a loud crash and a pained cry before the line goes dead. She stares at her phone, shocked and wondering if she is actually dreaming right now.

 

She hurries up and tries to call Raven’s phone again but it goes straight to voicemail. Lexa hops up off the bed looking for some shoes and her car keys. But where is she going to go? Where is Clarke, and why is she calling off Raven’s phone? Are they together in Vegas? Her head spins from all of her own questions and she has to steady herself against the counter for a second.

 

Once the room stops spinning, Lexa runs out the door of her loft and heads down to the garage where her car is parked. She tries calling Raven’s phone again, it rings once before going to voicemail. She hears a beep on the other line and it's a Chicago number. She goes to press ignore, thinking it's a telemarketer, but remembers its two in the morning. “Hello? Clarke?”

 

“Uhm no. It's Rae. Listen I got a…”

 

Lexa doesn't let her finish her sentence. “Where is Clarke? What happened? Is she in Vegas with you?”

 

“Uhhhhh…”

 

“Raven!” Lexa stops when she gets to the garage door. Anger and worry both fight to become her dominant emotion. “Where is Clarke?”

 

“Locked in the bathroom.” Raven says, and Lexa waits for her to elaborate, but she doesn’t.

 

“Raven, I swear to fucking god. Where are you, and why is she locked in a bathroom? What happened? How do you even know her?” Lexa opens the door to the garage, and runs to her car.

 

“Ok, fuck. So I am in Chicago, I lied to you I’m not in Vegas. I came here looking for Clarke, and I found her working at some sleazy strip club, living in her fucking storage unit. I convinced her to come back to the hotel with me, and then we were going to hop on a plane in the morning and come home to surprise you. And, well I’m not really sure what happened, but she took my phone and locked herself in the bathroom. Now she’s screaming and crying and…fuck Lexa. I don’t know what the fuck to do? Should I call the cops?”

 

“No! Don’t do that. Has she been drinking?”

 

"Uhhhh..."

 

Lexa closes her eyes and almost slams her phone on the hood of her car. “Did she have a purse with her?”

 

“Yes it's right here. Why?”

 

Lexa unlocks her car and jumps in. “Are there pills in there?”

 

“Uh yea, a small pharmacy actually.” Lexa can hear Raven shaking around the pill bottles and the simple fact that she can hear there are pills left, calms her enough to form a plan.

 

“Get me on the next flight out to Chicago. It's only an hour long flight, so I'll try and get there as soon as I can. Don't tell her I'm coming and don't call the police. Try and talk to her, but if her behavior gets worse, then stop. Do you know if there is anything sharp in the bathroom?”

 

“Yea, only the giant fucking mirror I heard her smash.”

 

Lexa doesn't respond, she throws the phone in the passenger seat, starts her car and slams it in first gear. Her tires squeal as she flies towards the airport.

 

Flying down I-75 in fifth gear, Lexa reaches for her phone. She tries again calling Raven’s, and it rings twice before going to voicemail. Lexa has been through this with Clarke many times before, playing this very game. Having her ignore her call time and time again, letting it ring a few more times with every additional call, just to send it to voicemail. She hates to call it a game because Clarke doesn't mean it, she doesn't know what she's doing. She hopes that just like in the past though, she will pick up after a couple more tries.

 

Once she gets to Metro Airport, in record time, she stalls the car in her rush to jump out. She throws a fifty at the valet and sprints towards the entrance, with her phone glued to her ear. This time she calls the number back Raven had originally called her from.

 

“Hello?” Raven’s voice says on the other end.

 

“Is she ok?” Lexa asks.

 

“Uhhhh? I don't know. I think so. The yelling and pounding has stopped, but the crying hasn't.”

 

“Ok, I'll keep trying to call her. What airline, and what time is departure?” Lexa asks frantically as she stares down the row of airline signs.

 

“Well that's the thing. There are no flights until six am, but I was able to call in a huge favor. My friend Deacon pilots a private jet and he just landed there. ReadyJet is the airline just go up to the booth and everything will be waiting for you. They will take you where you need to go and you should be here within the hour.”

 

“Got it. Thanks Rae. I'll pay you back.” Lexa takes off sprinting, then remembers where she is and slows down. She can't afford to be stopped and questioned right now.

 

Lexa reads the signs as quick as possible until she finds the counter she needs. She hands the woman her ID and gets her boarding pass. “Follow me Miss Woods.” The woman tells her and takes her to VIP security where she walks right through to be checked. She throws her shoes, phone, wallet and belt into the tub to be scanned. She hears the phone buzzing and almost freaks out and tries to grab it, but holds her composure. She makes it through the body scan and sees Raven’s name on the caller ID.

 

“Clarke!” She calls out into her phone after she wrestles it from the plastic tub. “Clarke are you there? Talk to me.” Lexa can hear Clarke's soft sobs coming from the other end.

 

"Lex…oh god Lexa. I'm so sorry.” Clarke's sobs get louder and sound like they are getting more violet.

 

Lexa falls to her knees hearing the voice of the only girl she has ever loved, and fights back her own tears from hearing the utter sadness it's laced with. "Clarke you have nothing to be sorry about. Are you ok? Are you hurt? Talk to me, Love.” The second the special name she has for Clarke leaves her mouth, she knows she fucked up. But nothing happens. She expected Clarke to lash out some more telling her again how she begged Lexa not to fall in love with her, but she doesn't. Only soft sobs can be heard. “Clarke? Please don’t hang up.” But it’s too late. The call ends, and she loses it. She breaks down, now that Clarke can’t hear her and she doesn't have to be strong.

 

Pulling her knees to her chest, she takes a few seconds to compose herself. Then puts her shoes on, before getting up off the ground, while trying to focus on the task at hand. Lexa can save the break down for when she's thousands of feet up in the air.

 

It only takes fifteen minutes for her to board the private jet, and for them to take off. Sitting in her seat and looking out the window she wonders what the actual fuck is going on. She has been hoping for a month, well actually for three years, that her phone would ring and it would be Clarke on the other end, but never imagined it would be like this. She thinks about what Raven said, how she found Clarke working at a strip club, living out of a storage unit, and it breaks her heart into a million pieces.

 

Is this where she had been for the last three years? Just a couple states away, living on the street. Lexa and Raven went to Chicago the previous year for St Patrick's day, was Clarke there then? Lexa squeezes her eyes shut, angry with herself for not looking harder. Raven was able to find her, why couldn't she? Was it because deep down, Lexa respected her wishes? The main reason she wrote their story was so Clarke would know that Lexa was still out there, and still loved her. That she loves Clarke and all that she is, even if Clarke couldn't believe that she could, or should.

 

Reaching for the phone on the plane, Lexa first tries Raven’s cell, but it doesn't ring. Then she calls the hotel, and Raven picks up immediately.

 

“How is she?” Lexa asks, biting her already raw lip.

 

“I can’t tell, but I think she is yelling at herself. Are you sure I shouldn't call the cops, or I don't know, the nut house? Hearing the stories and reading them in your book, I kind of thought you were exaggerating, but fuck dude… she's…”

 

“Raven. You are my best friend, and that’s why I'm giving you one chance. Don't you fucking dare call her crazy. Ever. She's not fucking crazy. And the fact that you were even going to say it after hearing and reading about it, really fucking pisses me off.”

 

“Hey you're right Lexa, I'm sorry. Truly I am. I won't say it, ever. Just, it's one thing to read in your book, and another to experience in person.”

 

"Yea, well how do you think it feels to be her?”

 

Silence fills the other end of the call, while Raven ponders the thought. “I'm sorry Lexa. I shouldn't have come here, I should have just told you where she was and let you do whatever you wanted. I had no idea this was going to happen. Seriously, I was just trying to help.”

 

Lexa rubs her forehead, she was going scream at her best friend when she saw her for this stunt she pulled, but she knows Raven only meant well. “It's ok, Rae. Your heart was in the right place. We can talk about it later. Please just keep an eye on her as best you can. I should be landing soon, what's the hotel and room number?”

 

Raven tells her and she doesn’t bother writing it down. They had stayed at that very hotel, in that very suite the last time they were in the Windy City. “Ok, I'll call you when I get to the hotel.” She hangs up that phone, and picks up her own. Scrolling through the photos she gets to the very first one she put on there. She makes sure she saves it to every new phone she gets.

 

It's of a girl. A beautiful mess of a girl, with pink and purple hair. Clarke always hated having her picture taken, but this day she insisted that Lexa take the photo of her. Of them. When she was writing about it, about the day it happened for her book, she wasn't able to get out of bed for a week. The picture was taken hours before she left. Hours before she woke up to an empty bed, and an even more empty heart.

 

 

 

 

Clarke lays face first on the cool tile floor of the hotel bathroom, trying to figure out how she got here. Not at the hotel, she remembers that just fine, but how she got into this situation. Lexa’s book lays next to her, and she has tried to open it, but she can't muster enough courage to.

 

She doesn't know how long she has been in the bathroom, and doesn't remember everything that happened while she has been in here. She hasn't changed out of her outfit from work, make up is running down her face and her hair is a mess from pulling it. Blood coats her hands and knuckles from smashing the hotel mirror, and punching the doors and walls. And her throat hurts and is dry from all of her screaming. Why did she ever agree to this? She thinks it happened too fast for her to fully register, and she became numb to what she was actually getting into. The decision to leave Lexa was for a reason, and that hasn't changed. She is still broken, and no amount of medication that they have her on will fix it. Ever. It's a life time diagnoses, and Lexa of all people, does not deserve to have to deal with it. Not with what Clarke has already put her through.

 

The hotel phone rings, and Clarke can hear Raven talking, but can't understand the actual words. It's probably Lexa, since Clarke turned the other girls phone off. The conversation doesn't last long, and she wonders if she can just sneak out somehow. The hotel room door isn't far from the bathroom; she can get out before Raven can catch her.

 

As if on cue, Clarke can hear as the hotel room door opens and closes. She sits up and puts her ear to the bathroom door, trying to figure out if Raven left or if someone came in. While standing at the door, she looks down at her practically naked body. Glass is embedded all over, and she is bleeding from multiple spots because of it. This sends her into another round of violent sobs. This is exactly what she was fucking talking about, when she said she was not worthy of Lexa. Anger floods through her again, and she can't help the coming scream. She pounds her fists and knees into the bathroom door, until she runs out of breath.

 

During her outburst, she missed the beep of the hotel key in the door, and then the click when it closes. So when she opens the bathroom door, having decided she needs to escape, she freezes when she sees the last person she was ever expecting to be standing there.

 

"Lexa?" Her voice cracks from the rawness that is now her throat. Clarke tries to smooth her hair down, like that will take away from the rest of her disheveled appearance. This is not how she wanted to look if she ever saw Lexa again. Suddenly, she feels very exposed, and awkwardly tries to cover up as much of her body as she can.

 

Those one of a kind green eyes stare back at her, but they aren't looking at her mess of appearance. They don't move away from her own eyes and she watches as tears build in them, but they don't fall.

 

“Clarke.” Is all she hears before she is wrapped up in the arms that were once her home. Lexa’s scent hits her like a truck smashing into a cement wall, and her entire body goes slack in the taller girl’s arms.

 

Always being the strength Clarke needs, Lexa holds her entire weight with ease. Clarke starts wailing, as Lexa keeps her embrace strong and steady. Clarke brings her hand up to Lexa's shirt, balling it up in her bloodied fist, gripping onto it for dear life. Lexa doesn't say anything, she just holds Clarke as close as she can to her own body, putting her nose in Clarke's hair, breathing her in. She knows Clarke is hurting right now, and she is too, but she can't help but feel relief knowing that Clarke is here. She is here, alive and in her arms. Lexa doesn't know what is going to happen in the next few minutes, hours or days, but at least for this one moment; she has her heart back.

 

After a few minutes, Clarke's cries quiet down, and Lexa feels her start to take on more of her own weight. She can feel Clarke's fist start to unclamp itself from her shirt, as she takes in a deep quivering breath.

 

Once her cries are nothing more than silent trembles, Clarke eases herself slightly away from Lexa's embrace. She can't meet Lexa's eyes, and focuses instead on her injured hands resting atop Lexa's stomach. “Clarke?” Lexa says softly, getting her first good look at the cuts and bruising on her hands.  “Are you hurt anywhere else?” Clarke gives a small nod, still not meeting her eyes. Lexa has to swallow the lump in her throat. “Can I see?” Hesitantly, Clarke takes two steps back, and holds her arms out to her sides, while shamefully staring at the wall to her left. Lexa bites her lip hard, to keep in her reaction. This is not the first time she has had to hold back her shock when checking her over for injuries.

 

There are numerous cuts all over Clarke's entire body. It looks like she had to have been laying in glass, because Lexa can still see some shards imbedded in her skin. She reminds herself of what she learned in one of the support groups and that's to stay calm as freaking out could only cause another negative reaction from Clarke. She knows she needs to tread lightly right now, as the smallest of things can set Clarke off again.  “Do you want me to help you clean those up?” After a few moments another small nod comes from Clarke. Lexa slowly lets out the breath she was holding. “Ok, I can do that. I'm going to go check the bathroom…”

 

Clarke's watery and swollen eyes suddenly shoot over in panic and her hands reach for Lexa's. “No! Don't go in there?”

 

“Hey.” Lexa says softly. “It's ok. There is another bathroom. Do you want to go in there with me, or should I just go…”

 

Clarke shakes her head frantically. “I don't want you to leave me.”

 

The words make Lexa's chest ache, but she doesn't show it. She nods and sends Clarke a small comforting smile, before leading them to the master bathroom. Clarke doesn't let go of her hand the entire way, and once they are in the bathroom, Lexa doesn't have the heart to pull hers back. So she holds on to Clarke's hand, while first getting her a glass of water, and then checking around for a first aid kit.

 

“Will you drink this for me?” Lexa asks Clarke, while she holds out the cup of water. Clarke lets go of her hand, so she can grab the cup with both of her own. While Clarke drinks, Lexa looks for all the pieces of glass still stuck in her love’s body. They seem to all be on the front parts of her. “Do you want to go lay on the bed? It might be more comfortable for you.” She shakes her head no. “Ok. That's fine. I'm going to start with getting the glass out ok? I'm going to have to touch you, is that ok?” Clarke's eyes meet her own, before she nods her permission.

 

Clarke's entire body shakes while Lexa works on it. She pulls out all of the glass, while keeping an eye on Clarke to see if she is hurting her. She's not though, Clarke doesn't feel pain when she's like this. Physical pain anyways. “Do you have any clothes with you?”

 

Clarke drops the cup of water, bringing her hands up to her face as the tears and sobs start again. Lexa is wearing a button up shirt, so she takes it off and puts it around Clarke's shoulders. She just wants to take the girl into her arms again, but isn't sure if that's the right thing to do right now.

 

Before Lexa can decide on what to do next, Clarke's hands drop. “I want to go home. I have to leave.” She pushes past Lexa and back into the open area of the suite.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa calls out after her. “Clarke, can you wait until it's light out?” Clarke ignores her as she looks for her things.

 

“No, I have to go. I never should have came here! What was I thinking, I'm such a fucking idiot! Your friend tricked me and was trying to bribe me, and I didn't know what I was doing…” Clarke continues to speak but the words mash together so quickly Lexa can barely understand them.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa tries again, but is ignored. “Clarke!” Lexa finally yells in a firm voice. “The shelter isn't open yet, you won't be able to get in. You need to stay here, ok?”

 

This gets her attention, but it also sparks a fire in her eyes as she stares down Lexa with a burning gaze. “You can’t tell me what to do. And this is all your fault why I am even living in a shelter! Why I can’t be home! You couldn’t just stay away from me like I told you. You’re an asshole and this is all your fault!” Clarke's lip turns into a snarl and Lexa only has a second to brace herself for what comes next.

 

Clarke charges her, and pushes her hard into the wall before slapping Lexa across the face. She goes to slap her again, but Lexa grabs her wrist and spins her around, before pinning Clarke's arms to her own chest. Clarke screams, and throws her head back connecting with Lexa's mouth busting it open. She doesn't let go though, as Clarke continues to thrash around in her arms trying to escape her hold, telling her to let go.

 

“Clarke stop! It's ok!” Lexa tells her, trying to hold on.

 

Clarke continues to scream and cry, while trying to wiggle herself free from Lexa's hold. After several long minutes, Clarkes thrashing stops, but her cries don't. Her body goes slack again in Lexa's arms, and she is able to get them both on the ground with Clarke sitting between her legs, but she doesn't let go. She won’t let go, not when Clarke needs her.

 

Lexa holds on to Clarke for dear life, and lets the other girl cry until she has nothing left. She doesn't need to see her eyes to know that they are distant and far away from where Clarke really is. She slowly starts to rock them both, and eventually Clarke becomes silent.

 

Lexa waits a while before checking to see if Clarke is still awake, knowing how much of a toll these violent episodes have on her. She eases her grip, and goes to pull her arms back but a small “no” from Clarke stops her.

 

“Please don't let go.” Clarke says, before more small sobs escape her.

 

Lexa pulls Clarke closer to her chest and kisses her hair. And all she can think is; never again will she let this girl go.

 

 

An hour or two goes by, and neither of them try to move or speak. Surprisingly, Clarke is the first to break the silence.

 

“Are you really here?” She asks in the tiniest of voices.

 

Lexa has to swallow back a small cry of her own. “I am, Clarke. I'm right here, Love.”

 

Clarke moves Lexa's arms just enough so she can turn around in her lap, putting her head on Lexa's shoulder, and is quiet for a few minutes. “Are you tired? I feel very tired.”

 

Lexa doesn't respond verbally, instead she puts one arm under Clarke's legs, and the other under her arms before lifting her up, and carries her bridal style into the bedroom. This is not the first time she has had to carry Clarke to bed when she was too emotionally drained and exhausted to move herself.

 

Lexa lays her carefully down on the bed, pulling the covers over her body, but is sure to leave one leg out. Clarke can't sleep if both of them are covered. She wants to climb behind her, and hold her some more, but instead, she kneels on the ground at the edge of the bed, right by where her Love’s head is. Clarke's eyes are so swollen, that they are barely open, but she stares back at Lexa anyway.

 

“Rest now, Love.” Lexa whispers, wanting so bad to stroke Clarke's beautiful face.

 

“Are you mad at me?” Clarke asks her.

 

“No, Clarke. I'm not mad at you at all.” And it's true.

 

“Do…do you hate me?” Clarke asks her, as a few tears slip from her eyes.

 

Lexa shakes her head. How many times has Clarke asked her this question? The answer is and always will be the same. “I could never. Never in a million years, Love.”

 

“What about in a million and one?” Clarke asks, and it surprises Lexa and also makes her heart skip a beat. This is how she always responded in the past.

 

She can't hold back anymore, so she brings her hand up to wipe away the tears from Clarke's eyes. “No, Love. Not even then.”


	2. Take me home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for your comments on the last chapter. I'm horrible with replying and I apologize for that. Just know that they keep me writing though and I appreciate if you take the time to tell me how you feel! 
> 
> Turns out, I couldn't stop writing so this chapter came out quicker than I anticipated. I hope you enjoy this one and thank you again for giving it a chance.
> 
>  
> 
> Much love friends

The hours tick by, but Lexa doesn't leave Clarke's side, even after the other girl had fallen asleep. She just sits and watches her, thanking whatever deity out there listening, for every rise and fall of Clarke's chest.

As the events of the night replay in her head, she finally lets the tears she been holding in, out. As much of a toll it has taken on her, her heart hurts far worse for what it will do to the young blonde laying in front of her. She is just glad that Clarke was able to fall asleep. That at least for a few hours, Clarke will be free of her pain.

It's nearly one in the afternoon when Lexa hears the opening door of the hotel suite. She raises off the floor slowly, and heads out into the main area to meet who she hopes is Raven. When she rounds the corner and sees her best friend, her shoulders feel much lighter, and not just because Raven is holding a tray of coffee.

“Figured you would be going through withdrawals about now. Triple espresso, and a few sips away from death. Just the way you like it.” Raven holds the cup out, while also eyeing the damage done to Lexa's lip from Clarke's head butt. Lexa wonders if Raven is going to say anything about it, or let it drop. “Are you ok?”

“I will be once I get my fix.” Lexa takes the coffee, and drinks deeply.

Raven nods back skeptically. “Is she ok?”

Lexa takes another sip of her coffee before answering, and heads to sit on the couch. “She is sleeping now, and might be out for a while. I won't really know the extent of her mood until she wakes up.”

Raven sits next to Lexa, putting her legs in Lexa's lap and her back against the arm of the couch. “Have I told you how sorry I am? Seriously, I never thought this would happen. I was just trying to help…I had no idea.” Raven gets a curious look on her face. “What's wrong…err I mean what does she have again?”

“Did you read my book Raven? Seriously?” Lexa looks at her in bewilderment.

“Yes! Yes I have, I just forgot.”

Lexa sighs. “Bipolar type one with psychosis.” Raven nods back acting like that actually answered her real question. “It causes her to have two different types of mood swings. Mania, which is the manic state, and then depression. Depending on the severity of the episode, she can also experience psychosis. That means she can see, hear, or even feel things that aren't real, or experience delusions.”

“So is she in an episode right now?”

Lexa shrugs. “I don't know. She can have violent outbursts without being in an actual episode, so I will have to wait and see when she wakes up. I'll be able to tell.” Lexa takes a breath before asking what she wants to know. She doesn't know if she wants it to be true or not. “Listen, she had said you tried to bribe her? What did she mean by that?” Lexa asks while helping Raven to take her brace off.

“What? I wasn't trying to _bribe_ her… she was going to get the suitcase full of cash even if she didn't come.” Lexa groans and puts her head back against the couch. “She is homeless Lexa. I was just trying to help. Plus, it was only twenty grand.”

“She doesn't know how rich you are Raven! The Clarke I knew hadn't had more than a hundred dollars to her name, ever. And you show up with a whole fucking suitcase full of cash. No wonder she reacted the way she did.” Lexa carefully moves Raven’s legs, and get up. She goes to Clarke's purse and takes out all the pills.

She looks at all the names and doses, and checks to see how many pills are in each. There are not many left, and they are all also cut in half. Lexa shakes her head back and forth, knowing Clarke is doing that to make them last longer, due to money. She has seen it time and time again with the kids in the support group and group home. The problem with it though is that when they cut them in half, they are not getting the correct dose, which means the treatment is less effective.

“I got her doctor’s number if you want to give her a call. I don't really know the protocol here.” Raven says while stuffing her mouth with a muffin she brought with the coffee.

Lexa spins around suddenly remembering something she hasn't asked yet. “Why do you have her doctor’s number and how did you know where to find Clarke? You said you came here looking for her. How did you know she was in Chicago?”

Raven gets a pained expression. “You know, I was really counting on things going differently, before I told you. You were supposed to be happy and have your girl in your arms being all super gay… now you're probably just going to punch me in the face when I tell you.”

“Raven. I haven't punched you in the face yet.” Lexa crosses her arms and leans against the counter, giving Raven her full attention.

“True.” Raven doesn't say anything else, and takes another bite, obviously stalling.

“Raven. If you _don't_ tell me, I will one hundred percent guarantee at _least_ a bow to that pretty face.” Lexa lets her arms down, but her fists are clenched.

“Fine, I'll tell you. Besides my money, intelligence and award winning personality, my looks are all I have.” Raven pauses hoping to get a little laugh out of Lexa. She sighs when she doesn't, before continuing. “I hired a private investigator. I couldn't stand you waiting around any longer alright. So I had someone find her, and check out what she has been up to all this time. Please don't punch me?”

Before Lexa can say the things she wants to say to Raven, she can hear her name being frantically called. She doesn't hesitate to sprint towards the bedroom and panicked voice.

Lexa doesn't see Clarke right away when she enters the room, as the bed is empty. “Clarke?”

“Lexa?” A small voice comes from the floor, between the bed and the walls.

“Clarke are you ok?” Lexa asks rushing over to where the girl sits, with her knees to her chest and her back against the wall. Clarke has tears running down her cheeks when she shakes her head no. She holds her arms out for Lexa, who doesn't think twice and bends down taking her into her embrace. She switches positions so she is sitting on the ground against the wall, and puts Clarke in her lap. “You're alright, Love.”

“I didn’t know where I was. I couldn't remember if you were real, but I have your shirt.” Clarke starts crying harder. “I thought I imagined you. That you being here wasn't real, and I was just trying to block out what really happened. I was so scared that…that it happened again.”

Lexa isn't sure what Clarke means, but she can guess. She has heard stories in the groups about people waking up in strange places after a manic episode not remembering immediately what happened. Waking up with strangers they had just slept with. She rids the lump in her throat before speaking. “Nothing happened Clarke. You're here, safe and with me. I won't let anything happen to you.” _Ever again_ , she adds mentally.

Lexa rocks Clarke in her arms, and kisses her hair until Clarke quiets down. Then she jumps in Lexa's arms and turns around looking at Lexa's face. She puts her forehead on Lexa's shoulder and starts crying harder. “Im so sorry. I'm so sorry. I hit you Lexa and I'm so sorry.”

“Shhhh. Love, it's ok.” Lexa can never blame Clarke if things get physical, because she knows she doesn't mean it, and how much guilt Clarke puts on herself for it once she is aware of what happened. And that she always feels remorse for not being able to control her actions. She beats herself up more than anyone Lexa has ever seen before. Plus, Lexa has been in a boxing ring since she went through a little anger phase in junior high. Her dad was a pretty decent boxer when he served in the army. He thought it was a good way to work out her anger, and he was right. It also taught her how to dodge and take a hit. Last night was a rare thing, she was caught up in the moment of being with Clarke again and just wasn't prepared.

“It’s not ok, Lexa. It's never ok to put my hands on you.” Clarke says pulling back, so she can look at Lexa's lip. Tears fall as she traces her finger lightly under it. She looks Lexa in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Lexa stares back and can't help when her own eyes drift to Clarke's lips, a bad habit from the past. Clarke notices though, and puts her head back on her shoulder, letting Lexa hold her tight. Lexa wants to tell her it's ok again, because it really is, but knows that it won't matter. Clarke will not believe her. So she keeps quiet and just rocks the love of her life in her arms, until she quiets down. “Are you thirsty, Clarke? When was the last time you have eaten?” Clarke is silent which means either she doesn't remember, or it's been so long she is scared Lexa will be mad at her.

“I'm going to get you some water, then we're going to eat something ok?” She feels Clarke shake her head. “You gotta eat, Love.” She noticed how small Clarke has gotten, not that Clarke was ever big, but she can see her ribs now. She looks a little smaller than when Lexa first met her. Clarke had grown up very very poor, and never knew when her next meal would come, so Lexa has always made sure to keep her fed. Between Lexa and her mother, they had gotten Clarke up to a very healthy weight. “Please, Love?”

“I'm not hungry and I'll just get sick. Please don't make me eat.” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's shoulders. “Please?”

Lexa’s first instinct is to give Clarke whatever she wants, unless it effects her health or safety. And Lexa can't let her go any longer without some form of nutrition in her body. “I'll have room service bring up some of those protein shakes. If you sip it slowly you won't get sick.” Before Clarke can protest, Lexa picks Clarke and herself up off the floor and puts her down on the bed. Clarke doesn't let go of Lexa when she tries to pull back. “I'll be right back. I'm just going to the main room, Love.”

“Don’t leave.” She says squeezing Lexa harder.

“Ok, it's ok. I won't leave.” Clarke's grip loosens on her, so Lexa is able to pull back. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out her cell phone, texting Raven. Then she remembers that Raven probably doesn't have her phone since Clarke hijacked it the previous night. She puts the phone down on the night stand and walks to the other side of the room where the hotel phone is.

Watching her the the whole time, Clarke is ready to jump if Lexa tries to leave again. Lexa opens the drawer to the desk the phone sits on, getting the number for room service. She dials and puts the phone to her ear before ordering the protein shakes, a bunch of fresh fruit and bread. Afterwards, she walks back over to the side of the bed Clarke is laying on, and grabs the blanket to cover her up. Just like before, Lexa leaves one leg out.

Clarke puts her finger in her mouth, biting the cuticles like she wants to say something. “You remembered that I can't be fully covered.” She says, once she takes her finger out of her mouth.

Letting a small smile grace her swollen lips, Lexa nods. She wants to tell Clarke she remembers _everything_ about her, but doesn't. She doesn't need too. The way Clarke looks back at her, tells Lexa that she already knows.

Lexa puts one hand on the side of the bed and goes to sit on the ground again, but Clarke reaches out covering Lexa's hand with her own. This makes her pause, and she looks over and into the fragile blue eyes staring back at her. “You don't…you can…” Clarke closes her eyes. “Will you lay next to me?”

“Of course I will.” Lexa walks over to the other side of the bed, and kicks her shoes off before getting in it. Even though every fiber of her being screams against it, she leaves a bunch of space between herself and Clarke. She doesn't want to over step any boundaries, if there are any. She only wants Clarke to be calm and comfortable.

After she covers herself with the blanket she turns on her side so she can face Clarke, who then does the same thing. Clarke stares in her eyes, before letting them roam over the rest of her face. Lexa knows when she gets to her lips, because Clarke closes her eyes tightly, before her own bottom lip quivers. Unable to stop herself, Lexa reaches over, interlacing her fingers with Clarke's.

A few tears slip out of Clarke's eyes before she opens them again, and she scoots closer to Lexa. They aren't touching, besides their intertwined hands, and neither can look away from the other. They don't talk, and just continue to stare, both silently saying everything they want to say, but cant. _I miss you…I forgive you. I love you…come home._

Every few minutes Clarke scoots closer until she's so close, Lexa can feel her breath against her cheek. “You look the same, Lexa.”

“Do I?” Lexa asks her. Clarke nods. “You changed your hair. It's long and blonde. Not a single pink or purple strand.”

“Do you hate it?” Clarke asks in a small worried voice.

Lexa shakes her head. “Not at all, it's just different but I like...”

“I have a boyfriend.” Clarke says, fast. Too fast. It's a lie.

“Do you?” Lexa knows she is lying, but it doesn't bother her. Clarke has always told small lies. Mostly they were about irrelevant things, at random times when she was feeling anxious. She always confesses to them though, and feels bad for telling them.

Clarke bites her lip looking guilty and shakes her head. “I don't know why I said that.” Lexa just shrugs at her, letting her know it’s no big deal. “Do… do you have…?” Clarke stops her question, unable to finish.

“A boyfriend? Nope, not since Tommy Cole in the first grade.” This earns her a smile from Clarke. It's a good thing Lexa is laying down, because seeing that cross Clarke's lips again for the first time would have probably made her knees give out, if she was standing.

The beautiful moment is short lived, because right afterwards there is a knock on the bedroom door that makes Clarke jump back. “Lex, your food is here.” Raven calls out softly behind the door. “I’ll leave it right here ok?”

“Thank you.” Lexa says to Raven, with only mild annoyance in her tone. This causes another small smile from Clarke, but she tries to hid it by bringing the blanket up and over her mouth. “What?” Asks Lexa, playfully.

Clarke shakes her head. “Even when you want to be rude, you're still polite.”

“And have it get back to Indra Woods, that _her_ daughter forgot her manners? It wouldn't matter that I'm twenty-five years old, you know she would still put me over her knee.”

Lexa will never forget the sound of the laugh that escapes Clarke, as she pictures Lexa's mom giving her a spanking. The sound is so pure, and painless. Even Clarke's eyes shine brighter during the act, and all Lexa wants to do in that moment is taste the beautiful laughter straight from Clarke's lips. But she can't, not yet. Hopefully she will again sometime soon, but for now, she will enjoy just being lucky enough having witnessed it. “I'm going to get the food, but I'm not leaving, ok?” She tells Clarke reassuringly. Clarke nods her head, and pulls the covers up to her neck. Lexa wonders if she is cold or uncomfortable in nothing but that lacy bra and Lexa's button up shirt.

When she opens the door to get the food she also sees Raven standing near Clarke's bag. “Hey. Throw me that will you?” She says pointing to it. Raven does, and she puts it in the room before grabbing the cart of food and drinks. “Thanks, Rae.” She says before shutting the door.

Grabbing the water first, she brings it over to Clarke's side of the bed, handing it to her. “Drink it slow.”

Clarke nods, before taking a sip. “How are mom and papa?” Clarke asks, talking about Lexa's parents. Lexa gets a smile on her face hearing the words.

“Well, Pops finally retired. Ford gave him a huge payoff to leave. So, he took it in a heartbeat. Spends most of his time in the garage restoring that ’49 Ford.” Lexa tells her while opening the protein shake.

“He still hasn't finished that truck?” Clarke asks, smiling again.

“You can't rush through a classic, Clarke.” Lexa says, imitating her fathers deep voice. This causes yet another smile from the blonde, but bigger this time, and Lexa thinks she might pass out from the beauty of it.

“So Papa left, did mom stay on?”

“No. She left Ford’s legal team when Pops left the plant. Indra Woods is now hoping to be one of Michigan’s next Senators. I don't know if you heard about the whole Flint disaster but she thinks they could use some fresh new blood out in D.C. Someone who is going to actually make laws that can help the people.” Lexa hands Clarke the protein shake, having noticed the water she drank hasn't come back up. “Slowly.” She reminds Clarke.

Clarke holds the shake but doesn't drink it. “I bet papa loves that.”

Lexa laughs. “He says he has officially sold out, and traded his blue collar for a penguin suit. Thinks he is political arm candy now. Even shaved his beard.”

Clarke's eyes go wide. “Gustus Woods without his beard?”

“Yep. It freaked me the fuck out the first time I saw him. Reminded me of my aunt Helen.” Lexa shivers, causing another laugh from Clarke. Lexa closes her eyes at the wonderful sound.

“God I miss them.” Clarke says before realizing what she was saying. She hurries up and brings the shake to her mouth to stop anything else from pouring out of it.

The room gets silent, both still wanting to say so much. Clarke focuses on her drink, while Lexa gets a plate full of the fresh fruit and brings it onto the bed. Clarke won't meet her eyes after her confession, so Lexa just eats and tries to think of what to do next.

She remembers she was going to ask Clarke if she wanted to change into something more comfortable. She gets up and grabs Clarke's bag, also bringing it over to the bed. “Do you want to change into something else?” Clarke nods her head before putting the shake down. Lexa holds out the bag for Clarke to grab, but she doesn't take it. Clarke shakes her head and points at Lexa. “You want me to pick something out for you?” Another head shake, and another point. Lexa looks down at her own T-shirt, knowing what Clarke wants. Clarke always loved wearing Lexa's T-shirts and hoodies especially. Lexa doesn't hesitate any further, and brings the shirt over her head, taking it off. “Fine.” She sighs jokingly. “Imprint your trademark boobie bumps into my new shirt.”

Clarke laughs again and Lexa can't take it. She just wants to grab Clarke and hold onto her, kissing her until she is breathless. Lexa throws her the ‘Detroit VS Everybody’ shirt she just bought, and adjusts the beater tank she is wearing underneath.

“Thank you.” Clarke smells the shirt before bringing the blankets down and goes to take off her bra under Lexa's other shirt had been wearing. Lexa freezes and then turns around quickly, giving Clarke some privacy.

“Lexa. You don't have to turn around. It's nothing you haven't seen before. Also, I…undress for a living.” Clarke says the last part in a quieter voice.

Hearing it straight from Clarke's mouth, that she dances, makes Lexa's entire body tense up. She clenches her jaw and fists and is thankful that she did turn around, because she wouldn't want Clarke to see her reaction. Lexa's not disgusted, or thinks any less of Clarke, she just wants more for her Love than this. Clarke dropped out of school when she was fourteen, and always said she was destined for the strip club or the bar. Lexa never believed that. She believes Clarke is destined for more. She's an amazingly talented artist, and Lexa always tried to encourage Clarke to do that.

“Lexa?” Lexa slowly turns around trying to rid her body of the tension before doing so. Clarke has changed into the T-shirt, and holds the one she was wearing close to her. “It's not so bad…the stripping.” The tears in Clarke's eyes tell another story.

“No?”

Clarke shakes her head. “Not really.” Clarke goes silent for several minutes, and in her mind is seeing something else. Lexa wants to urge her to continue, that whatever she wants to say, is ok. Before she gets the chance though, Clarke looks her in the eye, and then breaks her heart with what she speaks.

“I… he makes us do other things though. I was arrested for destruction of property during an episode… he knew about it after my probation officer called and…I needed to pay my probation or I would go to jail and Lexa you know I can't go to jail.” Clarke shakes her head violently, and silently begs Lexa to understand. “I didn't want to do it, but he always threatened to fire me or to call my P.O.” She puts her face in her hands, trying to hide from the shame but failing. Unable to finish, she starts to cry harder. Clarke has held all of this in, not even telling her doctor, and being with Lexa again makes her want to talk about it. She _always_ told Lexa everything. Lexa never judged her for the things Clarke has had to do to survive. Lexa never judged her at all.

Clarke looks up at Lexa, and can tell how angry she is by the clench of her jaw, and her shaking fists. “Please don't be mad at me.” Clarke frantically crawls across the bed to get closer to Lexa, reaching out for her. “Please don't be mad. Please.”

Lexa shakes her head no, and closes the gap between them. She puts one hand behind Clarke's head and makes her look up at her, while she uses the other to stroke Clarke's cheek. “I am not mad at you Clarke. I am mad that you were forced into that situation, and had to go through it, but I am not mad at you.”

“I don't want to work there anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I wanna go home. Lexa please just take me home.” She stares up at and into her favorite pair of green eyes, forgetting in that moment every reason for having left in the first place. “I wanna go home, please.” She begs.

Lexa grips Clarke into a tight hug, while the younger girl cries and keeps repeating over and over again that she just wants to go home. “Shhh Love, you're coming home. I'm going to bring you home.” Lexa doesn't let go of Clarke until she cries her self to sleep. The entire time she couldn't get it out of her head what she was forced to do at the club. Lexa promised Clarke she would never have to go down that road again, and some fuck head prick made her break that promise.

She lays Clarke down, and covers her up, kissing her forehead before heading out to go talk to Raven.

"Do you know where Clarke works?” Lexa asks when she sees her friend laying on the couch.

"Yea. A sleazy strip club, I already told you that.” Raven says sitting up.

“No, do you know where it is?” Lexa walks over to Raven’s suitcase and pulls out one of her blazers. She throws it on, and takes out her ponytail, ruffling her already wild long brunette hair.

“Uhh yes? Why? You trying to get a job? I don't think that's going to go over well with your mom's campaign manager.” Raven says getting up and coming over to Lexa's side.

"Raven.” Lexa replies, frustrated. “Where is it?”

Eyeing her best friend, Raven debates on if she should tell her or not. There is really no good reason for Lexa to go there. “What about Clarke?” She asks, instead.

“She is sleeping. She wants to go home, and I'm going to take her in the morning.” Lexa starts walking to the other bathroom.

“To the shelter or the storage unit?”

Lexa stops, and turns to face her. “Home, Rae. Home to Detroit. Can you get us on another private flight? She has never flown before and I don't need her to have another panic attack on top of everything else.”

"Yea of course, no problem. I'll make some calls, there is a private air field I have used before, which will cut out the big airport mess. And that's great news Lexa! Why aren't you more excited?” Raven follows Lexa as she heads into the bathroom. They both stop as they enter seeing the mess for the first time. “Holy fuck.” Raven whispers.

Seeing the destruction only makes Lexa's anger intensify. Lexa walks into the bathroom crunching on all the broken glass. She bends down grabbing her book, and Raven’s phone. She hands it to Raven and stares at her book. There is Clarke's blood all over it, and she whips it into the wall getting another sudden burst of anger. She calms herself well, before telling Raven what she found out. “He made her sleep with the customers Rae. He used the fact that she was in trouble against her, and threatened to fire her or call her probation officer if she didn't do what he wanted. She was scared and alone and he took advantage of that! I promised her she would never have to do anything like that ever again! That I would be there to help her if things ever got that bad again, and I lied.”

Raven grabs Lexa from behind and into a hug. “Lexa that's not your fault. She left by her own choice and you couldn't find her. This is not on you.”

Lexa shakes her head back and forth. “You found her. I could have tried harder, found her sooner.”

“Lex, stop. You did what you could. It wasn't so easy finding her. She has been using a fake name. My guy broke a lot of laws breaking into patient records to find her. Like I said, this isn't on you. What happened to her…”

Lexa pushes away from Raven. “Is on him. Where is the club?”

Raven doesn't say anything, because she doesn't know what she should do. She knows Lexa is protective of her, and she's just a friend. How many times has Lexa come to her rescue at the bar, when a certain guy or girl wouldn't get the hint. Or if she was too drunk and Lexa didn't think that sober Raven would approve of hammered Raven’s decision? What is she about to do to someone who manipulated Clarke into doing something so terrible? She read the stories in the book, and even though it's classifieds fiction, Raven knows everything's it is real. She knows how far Lexa has gone to protect or stand up for Clarke. Will she be pushed too far this time?

“Lexa…” Raven turns her, so they are looking eye to eye. Lexa's look calm as can be, and that terrifies her. “Stay here. Clarke is sleeping, and what if she wakes up? Do you really think leaving me alone with her is such a good idea? Look around you! This is what happens when you leave me alone with her.”

Lexa doesn't look around, she continues to stare Raven in the eye. “She won't wake up. Now, please. Just tell me.”

"Well, at least I have all that cash for bail money.” Raven says, giving in.

Lexa shakes her head. “I'm gonna need that too.”

Letting her chin falls to her chest, Raven sighs. “Of course you are. It's right down the street a little ways, if you turn left out of the hotel. It's called The Bounce House.”

Lexa's eyes close and she clenches her teeth, while she takes a breath in through her nose and lets it out slowly. When she opens them she only glances at Raven’s worried eyes for a second before pushing past her. She grabs the briefcase and heads out the door, without a second thought.

 

Cigarette smoke pours out from the open front door of the club when Lexa walks in. And for the first time in the two years since she had quit, she wants one. She goes to sit at the bar, putting the briefcase in front of her. She orders a whiskey neat, and tosses the whole thing back, shocking the pretty bartender. She nods to the young girl to give her another one, intending to sip this one while she waits. Lexa whips out her wallet, throwing the girl a hundred, and tells her to keep the change.

Bumming a cigarette from the guy next to her, Lexa turns on her stool, scouting the place. When her eyes graze over the stage, she tries not to picture the girl that is up there as Clarke. The drink she was supposed to be sipping, doesn't make it past two very large sips, because it doesn't work. She sees all these girls as Clarke. He could be manipulating all of them.

She spots him just as she takes the last hit of her cigarette. He has a possessive grip on one of the girls arms and is pushing her towards the back. It's gotta be him, she can smell his arrogance from where she sits.

Once her eyes are zeroed in on him, only Clarke herself could be the one to break them away. She watches how he handles the girls, like they are his property, and how he treats the customers like they are his lords. Just like she had thought, he notices every bill that is thrown out and gravitates towards the bigger spenders. So Lexa gets up and heads towards the stage, ready to lure him in.

Making sure she is in his line of sight, Lexa sits at the stage and opens the briefcase pulling out a stack of large bills, unraveling the paper binding around them. She holds a hundred-dollar bill in between her two fingers, and waves it at the girl dancing in front of her on stage. The brunette dancer drops down to her knees and crawls her way over to Lexa on all fours. She grabs the money with her teeth, before lifting herself up and onto her knees again and puts it in her G-string. Making it known that this show is only for Lexa, the girl moves her body slowly while eye fucking Lexa the whole time. Lexa puts on an act, and keeps the money flying.

It doesn’t take long before she also grabs the sole attention of the owner. She feels his presence long before she feels his hand grace her shoulder. It takes every ounce of self control she has not to break his jaw right here and right now.

“My friend, let me buy you a drink.” He snaps his fingers at the closest girl signaling for two drinks, before sitting next to Lexa.

Lexa nods politely but acts like her focus is only on the moving body in front of her. When the song finishes, the girl kisses Lexa's cheek before leaving the stage. If her mind wasn't completely focused on what she came her to do, she would be racked with guilt right now.

Their drinks come while the girls trade spots. “To my girls. May you enjoy them well tonight.” He says raising his glass.

Lifting her glass slowly, she clinks hers against his, but wants to smash it into his face instead. But she doesn't. She throws it back down her throats with a burning smile. “Is there somewhere we could talk private? We have a mutual friend, said you made sure to hook her up with something real nice last night. Treated her really well.”

He stands up with a smile on his face. “Of course, please follow me.”

He takes Lexa into the back area where the VIP section is, and leads her into a private room. “So did our mutual friend enjoy Juliet last night? She is a favorite around here.”

Lexa clenches her jaw so tightly she thinks she may have cracked a tooth. Before she loses her temper she continues on with the plan. She pulls her cellphone out of her pocket, looking at it like she has a call. She acts like she ignores it, but really flips the camera on video and records. She holds it sideways, and to her side and just prays he is in the frame. If not the voice should be good enough. “She was very pleased. She wouldn’t tell me the rates though, as she thought we could discuss them in person.”

The man tries to hide his smile as he looks at the briefcase Lexa sat on the chair next to her, that he knows is full of money. “For two grand you can have her here, in the VIP for the whole night. Fuck her anyway you like, don’t care. For five, you can take her home or to a hotel, whatever you like.”

Lexa nods. “And this is any girl?”

“Any girl you want, sweet cheeks. I’ll make it happen.”

“Well I think you got yourself a deal.” Lexa brings her phone up, checking to make sure he is in the frame now. “Thank you.” She tells him as his eyes go wide and she stops recording. She throws her phone in her pocket.

“You fucking cunt! Give me that fucking phone.” He walks over towards Lexa and when he’s  
close enough, shit hits him square in the stomach with her fist and he doubles over.

She knocks the wind right out of him, but she's not done yet. “You think you can just force girls to do whatever sick thing you want?” She sends another fist flying into his into his jaw this time, when he tries to stand up straight. The force from the hit knocks him on his ass, and she knows from the way it's hanging, that she also broke his jaw. “Vulnerable girls, just trying to survive. You are a sick piece of shit!” She kicks him hard in the ribs twice, before taking a knee in front of him.

She grabs him by his shirt and brings his face close to his. “If I ever find out you make another one of those girls or any other, do something they don't want to again, I'll take this to the cops. And when you get out of prison, I'll be right there waiting. Then I'll fucking kill you.” She pushes him back down hard, causing his head to bounce off the floor. She reaches in his pocket grabbing his wallet before getting up. Taking out his ID she snaps a picture of it, before throwing it at him.

Not sparing him another glance, she grabs the briefcase before walking out the door. She heads to the back room where she sees all the girls walking in and out of. Having a few friends that dance, Lexa knows there is a house mother who is supposed to keep watch over the girls. She finds the woman she assumes to be here and makes sure most of the dancers in the room are also paying attention. “I know what that prick has been forcing these girls to do.” Lexa pops open the back of her cell phone and pulls out the micro SD card. “This has all the proof you need, do with it what you want.” She hands it to the woman. Then she hands her the briefcase. “There is also twenty-grand in here. Give it to anyone he has manipulated, or abused.” She looks around at all the girls that could be someone else's own Clarke. “I'm sorry for what you went through. You all deserve more.” She tells them all, before walking out.

  

 


	3. Not again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I didn't expect another update so fast, but it happened anyways! I cant thank you enough for reading this mess, and I really hope you like the chapter and where this is headed. The next couple chapter we will be learning more about the past, so that will be fun! I'll try and update as soon as possible.
> 
> Much love my friends

The first thing Lexa does when she leaves the club is walk across the street to grab a pack of cigarettes. If it wasn't for the liquor in her system, her hands would probably have been shaking when she lit the first one from the pack. She takes a huge hit from it and lets it out slowly, as she stands against the wall in the alley by the store.

 

Intent on giving herself only a cigarettes worth of time before she has to go back to Clarke, Lexa reflects on everything that just happened. She smokes her cigarette slow, twirling it between her fingers, focusing on the glowing tip. Watching as it burns brighter with each hit before turning into nothing but dull ash. She tries to convince herself that Clarke will never step foot into that club ever again.  After these few minutes are over, she wants to be sure she stays strong for Clarke, that she can be there for her one hundred percent. So she doesn't stop the flood of images that assault her own mind. All of them of Clarke and what she has been doing here, just to survive. Lexa lets herself feel and cry alone, in the shadows of the alley, while she tells herself that it's over. Clarke is going home. The tears slow with every inhale and exhale of swirling grey smoke, and are completely gone by the time she stomps the butt out. When she pushes off from the wall to head back, she holds her chin up higher and her shoulders that much straighter.

 

On her walk back to the hotel, she decides she won't tell Clarke about this for a while, and will focus just on getting her home. Once they are home, she will call up Dr. Jackson and ask him to please just write Clarke a script for a weeks worth of uncut pills, and will promise him a follow up appointment with Clarke within that week. Her parents are in D.C. for a long weekend, so she thinks she will offer Clarke to stay at their house with her, not wanting to take her to the loft just yet. If Clarke doesn't want to go her mom’s, Lexa's parents place will be the best for her. _Hopefully_.

 

Her phone vibrates in her pocket when she rides up in the elevator, and she grabs it without thinking. There are only two people she wants to talk to right now, and they are only a few floors away. But there is one person she should have talked to by now, and her name is the one flashing across Lexa's screen right now.

 

**Octavia Blake:** _thought we were on for dinner tonight. How dare u stand a lady up woods._

 

Lexa sighs, staring at the name. Lexa really should have called her by now, if anyone deserves to know that she found Clarke, it's her.

 

Octavia Blake is Clarke's oldest friend. The two girls grew up together, next door to each other in fact, and their parents were also very close. They grew up on the north east side of Detroit, and their moms had been best friends since they were three. When Clarke and Octavia were twelve, they both lost their fathers in the same tragic accident where the men were working.

 

They had been working under the table for a sketchy construction company, who were hired to fix some of the freeway overpasses. Their equipment wasn't up to code, and the overpass had collapsed while the men were under it. Due to the fact that the men weren't legally employed and their moms didn't have money for a good lawyer, they got nothing in the wrongful death lawsuit and the company walked away scot-free.

 

After the deaths, the two families couldn't afford both their homes, so they moved into to the Blake house together. Abby Griffin spiraled into a deep depression after the loss of her husband, and found solace at the bottom of every vodka bottle she could get her hands on. Aurora Blake worked at the diner down the street during the day, and sold her body most nights, to try and support everyone. Clarke dropped out of school at fourteen to stay around the house to take care of things there and her mom, who had unfortunately fully succumbed to her own demons. She also started to sell drugs for one of her Dad’s friends who ran things around their block. No matter what, Clarke made sure Octavia stayed in school though. She thought so highly of her, knowing the girl was bright and actually could have the future she could never see for herself.

 

So, Lexa wasn't the only person Clarke left behind, and the loss of their favorite person brought her and Octavia closer together. They both searched for Clarke, and never gave up hope. The two girls vowed to learn everything about mental health issues and had even began volunteering at clinics, support groups, anything they could do to help.  Being so inspired by _their_ Clarke and all the kids they met while volunteering, they had started their own group home. The home took in the homeless lower class youth dealing with any type of mental illness. The home helps the kids get the treatment they need, jobs and set them up to live on their own. Lexa and Octavia did it together, of course it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of a certain Raven Reyes and Lexa's parents. Without them it would have just stayed a dream that was created after a night of heavy drinking and missing Clarke. But everyone pulled together and they are very proud of what they have accomplished. It's been up and running for a year, and they have been working hard on getting government grants and now that Indra was running for senate, the donations have been pouring in.

 

Feeling bad for standing Octavia up, she debates wether or not she should wait to call her until after she checks on Clarke, or call her back right then. But when the doors open, she throws her phone on her pocket, deciding to wait. It's going to be a long conversation and she wants to make sure she gives Octavia the time she deserves. She already feels like a giant asshole for not telling her the second she was on her way out to Chicago.

 

When she walks into the suite she finds Raven laying on the couch, reading Lexa's book. “I swear this isn't what it looks like.” Raven calls out, while turning the page.

 

“And what's that Rae?” Lexa kicks off her shoes, and takes off the blazer she had borrowed. “That your reading the book I wrote for the first time?”

 

“Yep.” Raven closes the book and gets off couch, stretching.“But I swear, it's just a refresher.”

 

Lexa lets a little laugh out and walks over to Raven. “Has she woken up at all?”

 

Raven shakes her head. “No I haven't heard her or seen her, so unless she scaled the building after climbing out the window…” Raven turns to look at the closed bedroom door, before snapping her head back in Lexa's direction and gasping dramatically. “Do you think she would?” Rolling her eyes, Lexa tries to push past Raven but an arm stops her. “She's fine. I was kidding I have checked on her, and she is sound asleep. I need to know how _you_ are and what happened. You're not in handcuffs so that's good.” Raven grabs Lexa's chin, moving it back and forth. “Nothing is bleeding or broken. So, let's go on the balcony with those cigarettes I can smell on you, and then you can tell me what happened.”

 

Lexa looks between her best friend and the door to the room separating her from Clarke. She feels the pull of the blonde’s presence, and really just needs to go in there. “Let me just go check on her.”

 

Raven nods and let's her pass by. “Ok. I'll meet you out there, with a little surprise.”

 

 

Opening the door to the room quietly, Lexa slowly enters, her eyes searching for Clarke immediately. She's in bed, and has one of the pillows in her arms spooning it. Lexa gets a sudden sting of jealousy, as she wants to be that damn pillow.

 

Not really thinking because her thoughts are only of Clarke, Lexa empties her pockets and puts everything on the night stand. Her cellphone included. She climbs in the bed, on top of the covers, and gets as close to Clarke as she can without touching or disturbing her. Lexa can't believe that the girl is still here. That after three years, _her_ Clarke is in the same room with her. She has held her in her arms, touched her porcelain skin, and heard her perfect voice. There has been screaming and tears, but also small smiles and laughs. She has kissed her hair and watched as her own name has spilled from Clarke's lips. It's everything Lexa has been hoping and praying for, but it's not. In their time apart Clarke has been through more than Lexa could have imagined. She just wants to make things right.

 

After a few minutes, Lexa needs to get up and leave the bed. The overbearing need to take Clarke into an embrace and hold her as tight at possible becomes almost painful. So she gets up and with one last look at the sleeping beauty, she walks back out to go talk with Raven. Forgetting her phone on the night stand.

 

 

 

Clarke turns around in the bed after the door closes, moving into now warm spot on the bed from Lexa. Lexa always ran warmer than normal, which was perfect because Clarke always seemed to be so cold. It was a metaphor for the couple in more ways than one. Clarke had never felt truly warm in the last three years, not until last night. Not until she was wrapped up again in her former lover’s arms.

 

She had been awake for a while, and was wondering where Lexa was. When she heard her come in, she wanted to turn around and talk to her or look at her, but she couldn't. All she could think was that Lexa deserved some peace after everything Clarke has put her through in the last twenty four hours. Hell, the last four years. When they were together and apart.

 

The sound of a buzzing phone and bright lights breaking through the dark quiet room, pulling her from her thoughts. It's Lexa's phone. Clarke was never a jealous person, that was until she found Lexa. She doesn't mean it, and Lexa always said it never bothers her. Lexa never admits that anything bothers her, even when Clarke knows it does. But the jealousy, that really wasn't ever an issue. So she doesn't stop herself from reaching over and grabbing the phone, more than a little curious to see who would be calling Lexa this late at night.

 

The bright screen of the phone makes her eyes squint, and the caller ID picture makes them pop back open. “Octavia…” Clarke whispers, as the photo of her very best friend in the world stares back at her. Tears well up in her eyes thinking about her. It destroyed her to leave Lexa, but it was almost worse to have to leave Octavia. They had been through so much together, were true family no matter their blood.

 

Clarke smiles at the funny face Octavia is doing, but it disappears along with the picture when the call goes to voicemail. She immediately wants the picture back to see her friend again and goes to open the phone. Seeing the text message from Octavia first, she clicks into that, and her mouth goes wide as she tries to understand what she's reading. She tries to tell herself they just had dinner plans, no big deal.

 

The phone shakes in her hand as she scrolls up to read more messages.

 

**Lexa:** _I'm around the corner. Since you probably haven't eaten yet, want me to stop and get you lunch?_

**Octavia:** _omg yasss I love u_

**Lexa:** _haha be there soon_

**Octavia:** _ok hurry_

 

Clarke can feel her face burn with jealousy as she keeps scrolling through their texts. A lot of them are about Lexa getting them food, or meeting for dinner, and that makes her even more jealous. Lexa always fed Clarke. She always made sure there was food around for her and it always made Clarke feel so loved and taken care of. Is this what she is doing with Octavia? Did they get together when Clarke left?

 

She doesn’t realize she is doing it, until it's already done, but Clarke gets up out of bed and opens the door needing to find Lexa. To find out what is going on between them. She can't wait another second without knowing.

 

Raven catches sight of her first, and she starts choking on the hit of the joint she bought off one of the bell boys. “Incoming…” she manages to choke out to Lexa.

 

Lexa turns around from looking out the balcony and is holding out Raven’s phone. She looks very surprised to see Clarke up and out of the room. “Clarke?”

 

“Why are you always feeding Octavia?” Clarke holds up the phone. “Why does she have a funny face caller ID picture, and why is she calling you past two in the morning about missed dinner?”

 

Lexa doesn't know what to say and just stares back at Clarke open mouthed. She tries to judge Clarke's mood, and she seems a little upset, but actually more herself then she has seen. She even has her hand on her hip, something that always told Lexa she was about to get an ear full from her small yet feisty girlfriend.

 

"Dude. Psst. Lexa.” Raven fake whispers. “Throw me my phone. If she kicks you off the balcony, I wanna make sure I get it for my snapchat story.” She laughs. “Could you imagine.”

 

Clarke and Lexa both stare at Raven. Clarke reaches over and grabs the joint from her. “Is this how you are…always? Like all the time?”

 

Raven gets a guilty and pained expression. “Yea. Unfortunately. You get used to it, and I try to make it up everyone around Christmas time.”

 

After she hits the joint, Clarke's eyes drift back over to Lexa. “Are you guys together?” Clarke asks, before taking another hit.

 

“No. Absolutely not, Clarke.” Lexa says, shaking her head vigorously. “We are friends, and business partners, that's it.” Clarke hits the joint again, and Lexa wants to ask her if she thinks that's such a good idea but doesn't. Raven tries to intervene though.

 

“Uh…” She reaches out for the joint, and Clarke looks at her like she just might hit her if she takes it, so she drops her hand. “It's puff puff pass, but that's ok. You're good, Clarke. Puff away. I'll just try and find another horny little bell boy to get more from. No big deal.”

 

“Clarke? My Clarke?” Everyone turns to look at the phone that is in Lexa's hand. Lexa was in the middle of trying to get Octavia on skype when Clarke walked out. She didn't realize Octavia had answered the call.

 

“Surrrprise…?” Raven breaks the silence and moves into the frame of the phone, waving to Octavia. She drops her hand quickly after getting a good look at the breathtaking brunette on the other end. “Damn you look good in that lighting, where are you?” Raven takes the phone from Lexa. “And what shoes are you wearing with that top?”

 

Lexa looks to Clarke and sees that her eyes and mouth are both hanging open, as she realizes Octavia is on the phone. She gets to Clarke's side in only one long stride. “You don't have to talk to her Love, not if it's too hard. But, it might be really good for you.”

 

Tears well in Clarke's eyes, but they don't fall. “Octavia.” Clarke calls out quickly, before putting her hand over her mouth.

 

Looking to Lexa first to be sure, Raven hands her phone over to Clarke. She holds the tears in until she see Octavia is crying. “Clarke? Is it really you? Where are you?”

 

"It's me O. I'm so sorry.” She drops down in one of the chairs and stares at her best friend.

 

Octavia shakes her head back and forth on the screen. “No. It's ok. It's ok Clarke. Where are you? Can I come see you?”

 

Clarke bites her fingers while talking. “Lexa and her friend are bringing me home in the morning.”

 

“Seriously? That's amazing!” Octavia is crying harder now. “I've missed you so fucking much, Clarke.”

 

Lexa slaps Raven’s arm getting her attention. Then she motions her head towards the suite, advising they give the girls some privacy. Raven points to the now unlit joint still clutched in Clarke's hand. Lexa rolls her eyes, and pushes Raven inside, while she pouts. They go and sit on the couch, Lexa making sure she can see Clarke from where she sits.

 

“So his jaw was just hanging there?” Raven asks, picking at the food she had ordered earlier.

 

Lexa keeps her eyes on Clarke. “Yep.”

 

“How did you not kill him?” Raven asks, throwing a grape at Lexa.

 

Lexa catches it in her mouth, without taking her eyes of the blonde. “I wanted to do bad, but I thought about _her_.” She says nodding towards Clarke, while chewing. “If I had beat him as bad as I wanted too, I would have went to jail or prison. Then what would I do? I can’t lose her again.”

 

Raven nods. “I still wouldn't have been able to stop I don't think. It always amazes me that you don't lose control when you fight in the ring, let alone dealing with that piece of shit.”

 

Lexa shrugs, finally giving Raven her full attention. “I learned a long time ago how to control my anger, but I almost did lose it tonight. She kept me grounded though, she always does.” She looks back to Clarke, who she can hear laughing while talking to Octavia. She smiles at the sight and closes her eyes at the sound. “I've already missed out on three years worth, I couldn't willingly forfeit more time.”

 

“That's gay…and so sweet.” She teases. “Still, I couldn't do it. And hey, has anyone ever tried to bite your ear off in a match? I would be the boxer biting off other people's ears.” She laughs at herself, before grabbing the TV remote. She raises her eyebrows up and down at Lexa. “Wanna watch some porn?”

 

The pillow that is thrown at her head by Lexa is her answer.

 

 

Clarke stays out on the balcony for over an hour talking, crying and laughing with Octavia. Knowing the phone probably won't have much battery left at this point, Lexa brings Clarke the phone charger. She also brings a blanket and some food since the nights are getting colder as summer nears an end, and she knows Clarke hasn't eaten since the protein shake.

 

Clarke watches her as she plugs the charger in the closest outlet, and smiles when she gives her the cord. Pointing towards the food, Lex mouths the word ‘eat’ before she pats her own stomach. Clarke tries to hide her smile behind her hand, but fails. Lexa smiles back while she takes the blanket and covers Clarke up with it. Before she can turn back inside, Clarke stops her.

 

“Lexa, wait!” She says, getting up out of the chair she was in. She puts the phone down and walks over to Lexa. “Thank you.” Clarke says sincerely, wrapping her arms around Lexa's waist in a hug.

Lexa doesn't say anything and just holds on to Clarke as tight as she can, until Clarke pulls back and looks Lexa in the eyes. They stare for only a few seconds , before Lexa gathers up all her strength and forces herself to leave the girl with only a squeeze of her hand around Clarke's bicep, a small smile and nod.

 

When she gets back inside, Lexa plops back down on the couch, letting Raven put her legs back in her lap.

 

“You know what I was just thinking?” Raven asks, as she pats Lexa's arm obnoxiously.

 

Lexa looks over to the TV and notices Kim Kardashian was on the screen, before looking back to Raven. “That your sex tape would outsell Kim's.”

 

Raven’s mouth drops wide. “Yes! You fucking asshole! How’d you do that?”

 

Lexa shrugs, and looks back out at Clarke. “Hey, I think I'm going to shower real quick, while she is still talking to Octavia. I smell like the bar. You have something else I can borrow to wear.”

 

“Yea you stink.” Raven stands up and goes to her suitcase. “You also got lipstick all over your cheek.”

 

“What?” Lexa brings her hand up to her face trying to rub the mark away. “Did I get it?”

 

Raven looks her over. “Just a little bit more…” She points to the spot on her own cheek.

 

“Now?” Lexa asks again.

 

“Yep. All good Romeo.” Raven gives her a thumbs up before throwing her some clothes to wear.

 

“You seriously couldn't  have told me sooner?” She takes one last glance at a laughing Clarke, before heading into the bathroom to shower.

 

Steam fills the hotel bathroom seconds after Lexa turns on the scorching water. She lets the water beat down on her tense shoulders and gets lost in the thoughts she has been trying to push away since the second she heard Clarke's voice over the phone. Lexa wants to be with Clarke no matter what, but just because she is letting Lexa take her home, that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean they can pick up where they left off. Or that Clarke has changed her mind about them being together. She doesn't know what it all means, and letting herself wonder makes her dizzy. It could also be the heat from the shower, she had also lost track of how long she had been in there.

Shutting off the shower, Lexa steps out and dries herself off with the nice fancy hotel towel, and tries to put her mind to rest. Because it really doesn't matter what happens between them, as long as Clarke is safe. Or so she tries to tell herself, anyway.

While walking out of the bathroom, Clarke walks into the bedroom at the same time. They both kind of freeze, before Lexa moves first to put her clothes on one of the chairs.

 

“I have a brush…” Clarke tells her as Lexa goes to put her hair up with it only being towel dried. “It's in my bag, if you wanna use it. Otherwise, you'll be brushing knots out of that wild mane of yours for weeks.” Clarke moves to her bag, reaching inside grabbing the old and battered brush. “Sorry.” She says, as she pulls out the blonde hair stuck within the bristles before handing it over.

 

“It's ok. Thank you.” Lexa responds, while taking the brush, before going to sit on the bed. “Did you get a chance to eat?” She asks, running the brush through her wet hair. Clarke nods, and takes a seat next to her. The room goes silent and Lexa can almost pinpoint the moment the atmosphere changes.

 

“Did you kill him?” Clarke asks quietly.

 

Lexa's hand stills, as she turns her head to look at Clarke. “What?”

 

"I know you Lexa. I could smell the whiskey on you.” She reaches up and brushes Lexa's cheek. “You had Destiny’s favorite shade of lipstick on you… and then there is this…” She hands Lexa her phone back, and the picture of the owners ID stares back at her.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa starts, apologetically.

 

Clarke shakes her head. “Don't apologize. I don't care, I'm not mad. Octavia reminded me this is what you do, for those you…” She closes her eyes. “You protect those you care for. I just need to know if you killed him or hurt him bad enough that they will come take you from…that they will take you away _because_ of me.” A singles tear falls from her cheek, and Lexa reaches out to wipe it away.

 

“No one is taking me anywhere, Love. I hurt him enough to get my point across, and gave Professor Mcgonagall’s twin at the club the evidence to do what she wants to with it.” Clarke lets out a small laugh. “She looks like Mcgonagall right?” Lexa asks, trying to lighten the mood further.

 

Clarke nods up and down while a few more tears slip out. She reaches for Lexa's hand and brings it to her lap, turning it palm up. She traces Lexa's wilted flower tattoo on her wrist with her finger tips. “I wish you hated me.” She whispers. “I wish you hated me enough to move on.”

 

Lexa doesn't know what to say, so she makes sure to look Clarke in the eye, and tells her the truth. “You can't move on from a love like ours, Clarke. It runs too deep. You run too deep within me. You've changed my whole life…changed me.”

 

"I'm broken, Lexa. You deserve someone that is whole.” The way she is staring at Lexa, tells her how much Clarke truly believes that false statement.

 

Lexa grabs Clarke's face and makes sure she is looking at her. “You are _not broken,_ Clarke Griffin. Do you hear me? I don't want to hear that come out of your mouth ever again. And what I deserve…what everyone deserves, is to be with their heart. You took mine the very first night we met, I've told you that over and over again. You have tried to give it back so many times, but when will you see that I don't want it back? You are the rightful owner, Love. It was always meant to be yours.”

 

Clarke starts crying harder and climbs into the older girls lap, stifling her cries into Lexa's shoulder, as they both grip onto each other tightly. “I've hurt you and put you through so much. I can't stand it!” Clarke's nails dig into Lexa's skin as she grips the brunettes shirt. “I hate myself for what I have done to you! For what I would continue to do to you if I stayed. No one deserves to go through that. Not anyone…especially not you.” She lifts her head and when the tear filled green eyes meet blue, her lip quivers. This is the hardest thing Clarke will ever do in her life, but she owes this much to Lexa. “I love you more than I ever thought was possible but…”

 

“But what, Clarke? There is no _but._ That's all we need.” Lexa doesn't mean for that to come out sounding so desperate, but it does. She has imagined having this conversation with Clarke so many times she has lost count. And every single time she remained cool and calm and was able to get her points across. To make Clarke see that the best option, the only option, is being together.

 

Reaching up, Clarke traces the outline of Lexa's lips.“It's not enough. Not when you will be the one hurt. I can't do the things I did to you over and over. I refuse. And I might have your heart now, but eventually you will find someone who will want it _and_ deserve it.”

 

Lexa shakes her head, and tries to hold in her tears. It's useless, as they continue to pour down her face. “No. Let's just get you home Clarke. We don't have to talk about this right now. So much has happened, we aren't thinking clearly…”

 

Clarke wipes Lexa's tears, before running her thumb back over the swollen lips. She leans in and kisses her so softly, Lexa truly believes she imagined it. “I am though, for the first time in a long time. This is the goodbye I should have given you. That was my biggest mistake, my deepest regret. I tried to save you from pain, and just left you to wonder, to worry and hurt. I'm sorry Lexa, for that… and...I haven't changed my mind.” Clarke tries to get out of Lexa's lap, but Lexa's grip is too strong. She rests her forehead against Lexa's. “Octavia is on her way to come pick me up. It's only a five hour drive. I'm going to meet her at my storage unit, and she is going to take me home. You have done so much for me, more than anyone else has in my whole life. And the only way I can ever repay you…” She takes in a deep breath. “Is to let you go.” She lifts Lexa's chin up and kisses her again. “You gotta let me go. Please, Lexa.”

 

Lexa can't hold it in anymore and she breaks down into violent tears and sobs. She lets Clarke hold her until she quiets down. Then she lets Clarke get up, and go grab her things. Lexa's keeps her head down as Clarke changes, and isn't surprised to see that she packs Lexa's shirt, intent on taking it with her.

 

Once she is all packed up, Clarke walks back over to Lexa. “You are so special, Lexa. I hope you understand one day that this was our only option, and how sorry I really am.” Clarke says while hugging Lexa one last time before kissing her deeply, in a combination of tears and desperation. Lexa keeps her eye closed tight. She feels Clarke move away from her, and opens her eyes just in time to get one more glance of blue and blonde  before Clarke walks out on Lexa. _Again_.

 

Time freezes and Lexa becomes numb to everything around her. She knows Raven came into the room, and was trying to talk to her but she can't hear the words. She stares at her moving mouth, trying to focus on the sounds she know she should bet hearing but isn't. All she keeps thinking about is how Clarke is walking out of her life for the second time, and there is nothing she can do… _or is there?_

 

Lexa jumps up out of the bed and takes off towards the hotel room door. She throws it open and sprints towards the elevator. Hitting the button multiple times but deciding it's taking too damn long, Lexa looks for the door to the stairs. Finding it, she takes them three at a time, all the way down the ground level. She searches the lobby for Clarke not finding her and runs out the front entrance to the street. Her heart is pounding in her chest while she looks left and right for blonde hair, but doesn't see her. _No._  She runs to each end of the block looking frantically in all directions. Finding no evidence of the way Clarke had went, Lexa falls to the ground against the building, putting her face in her hands. _Not again._

 

A hand to her shoulder draws her out of her own head. Half expecting it to be Clarke, her face falls when she sees her best friend standing over her. She is holding Lexa's book, Lexa's cellphone, and a piece of paper.

 

The paper has an address on it and her eyes go wide realizing what it is. “What are you doing? Don't let her go again, dumbass.” Raven tells her, as she hails Lexa a cab.

 

Lexa doesn't think twice. She hops up, hugs Raven and jumps in the cab.

 

_Not again._


	4. Mystery Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to give to much away, so I'll have my notes at the end of the chapter. But thank you for reading!
> 
> Much love

Only after she bribes the cabbie with a crisp hundred-dollar bill, he lets Lexa smoke in the cab on the way to the storage unit. While making sure to keep an eye out for a head of blonde hair, Lexa tries to think of what she is going to say when she sees Clarke. Everything she comes up with is either needy or comes off as commands. And you _do not_ tell Clarke Griffin what to do. Not unless you have a death wish.

 

She remembers her book in her lap, and that's when it hits her. It was her plan the entire time; let Clarke read their story. She needs to remind her of their beginning, of all the good times. Clarke can’t see past the bad stuff, everything that happened before she left. Also, she needs Clarke to know that she has been doing everything to understand the disease that Clarke thinks makes her broken. Lexa's lip raises in a small snarl, remembering Clarke saying that's what she was. She hates that Clarke thinks that way about herself. Never would Lexa think her broken, or damaged or any of the other words she has used. Clarke is Clarke. The light of her life. The person who helped Lexa find herself when she was just wandering around in life. Lexa always wanted to write, but there was a huge chunk of her life where she couldn't write one fucking word. She would stare at blank pieces of paper and nothing would come. Then she met Clarke, and it was like her pen couldn't keep up with her heart and mind.

 

Tossing the cigarette butt out the window she lights another, because she is freaking the fuck out internally. They should be there soon, and as they turn down the street it's on, her phone vibrates in her hand. She looks down seeing a text from Octavia pop up on the screen.

 

**Octavia Blake:** _hey what time is ur flight landing Clarke was supposed to call me back with the time. I can't fucking wait to see her I'm so jealous of you rn! Can you fucking believe our girl is back woods?!?_

 

Lexa has never typed a response faster in her entire life.

 

**Lexa:** _What do you mean I thought you were on your way here to get her?_

 

Her phone rings seconds later.

 

“Please tell me Clarke is with you?” Octavia says when Lexa answers. Lexa can't speak. She knows in her heart what's going on, but her mind can't grasp it. “Lexa! Is she with you?” Even though Octavia can't see because it's a phone call, Lexa shakes her head in response. “Lexa!”

 

“No. No she's… she left.” The cab pulls to a stop, and the driver stares at her to get out.

 

“Lexa...you’re joking right.”

 

Lexa shakes her head again, still not grasping reality at the moment. “Said you were driving here to pick her up because she hadn't changed her mind about her and me.”

 

“No! That wasn't the plan. She was supposed to call me back when she found out what time the plane was going to land. Oh my god. This isn't happening. Tell me isn't happening. She's running again Lexa. You can't let her get away. Please I'm begging you, don't let her get away.” Lexa can hear the panic in Octavia's voice.

 

All of a sudden something changes in Lexa. She gets angry. How could Clarke think of doing this again to her, or Octavia and everyone else who cares about Clarke back home? Everyone that helped search for Clarke, and worried about her wellbeing for the last three years. There is no way Lexa is going to let this happen again. At least they are lucky, and actually have a good head start to find Clarke. Last time, Clarke left in the middle of the night. And now, its only been a half hour, tops.

 

 “I won't let her, Octavia. She said she was meeting you at the storage unit and I'm here now.” Lexa reaches in her wallet and over pays the driver before getting out of the cab. “Call Raven, tell her to give you a list of any contacts or friends Clarke might have over here and start calling them. She was living in the storage unit and the shelters, so ask Raven to check those and I'll wait here. I have a feeling this is where she would come first.”

 

“Ok, I will. We can't lose her again Lexa.”

 

“We won't. I'll let you know if I see her, and you let me know if you get a lead, alright?” Lexa says before she climbs the chain link fence to the storage complex, one handed. “It's going to be ok.”

 

“It better.”

 

“It _will_ be Octavia. Now, I gotta go so I can find her unit. Call Raven.” Lexa says after her feet land back on the ground.

 

“Good luck.”

 

“Loveyoubye.” It's something Clarke always said, one big fast word. It's how she had ended every phone call. Lexa thought it was the cutest thing in the world.

 

“Loveyoubye.” Octavia says with a hint of a smile in her voice at Lexa's reference.

 

Lexa hangs up and puts her phone in her pocket. She looks at the paper to get the unit number and goes down each row until she finds Clarke's, #319. It doesn't look like Clarke has been there, or at least it's still shut and locked. So she decides she needs to get in there to check.

 

The lock Clarke has on the unit is one of the cheaper ones, so Lexa looks for something she can break it off with. Finding a piece of scrap metal she lines it up and strikes down hard with a big rock, breaking it right open. She has to take a deep breath before she opens the rolling aluminum door to Clarke's six by seven ft _home_ basically.

 

Her heart shatters once she takes a look inside. There is an old beat up mattress covered by ratted and torn blankets. There are a few boxes, and garbage bags packed with things in the corner. But what calls to her most are all the drawings Clarke has everywhere. They cover the walls, and she has a small outdoor table with more drawings that she couldn't fit up on the walls, her sketchbooks and her charcoal. When she spots the charcoal, she instantly knows Clarke will come back here eventually. The blonde carries a small box on her that holds only a few pieces, just in case she spots something she needs to draw spontaneously. The rest she always leaves at home, in the case Lexa had bought her. She runs her hand over the leather and smiles remembering how Clarke had yelled at her because of the price when Lexa had surprised her with it, but she also cried because she thought it was the most beautiful gift she had ever been given.

 

Truthfully, Clarke is the best artist that Lexa has ever seen. And that's not her being partial. Clarke is amazing. She can replicate anything she sees as clear as any photo, and her imagination can be brought to life just as vividly. And that is why when she takes a closer look at some of the pictures on the wall, it feels like she got punched in the gut.

 

Her own face stares back at her in many of the photos, most of them hidden slightly, as well as the faces of Octavia, Abby, Aurora, and Jake, Clarke's late father and many others. There are plenty of drawings of Detroit, Lexa's gym and the view from the docks of Lexa's parents house that sits on Lake saint Clair. As she really takes the time to inspect some of them, she realizes that some seem to be straight from her own memories as well. One in particular catches her eye, and she can't help but rip it off the wall. It's the view of the Ambassador Bridge, still lit up even though the light from the sun was beginning to rise behind it. Lexa closes her eyes and remembers it exactly the same way.

 

“It made me feel like I was home sometimes.” Clarke's voice should have startled her, but it didn't. “But mostly, it just made me miss it more.”

 

Lexa doesn't turn around. She continues to look over all of the drawings, and carefully pulls her phone out of her pocket with out Clarke seeing. She sends a short message to Octavia to get to Chicago asap. That she had found Clarke before she puts it away. “I have seen almost all of your work before Clarke and yet…” Lexa runs her hand over one of the pieces, it's of the lake at her parent’s house. “It still _amazes_ me how good you are every time I see something new you have created.”

 

“What are you doing here Lexa? I told you Octavia is…”

 

“Still in Detroit.” Lexa finishes for her, before turning around. “She is still there, waiting for your call on when our plane is landing later.”

 

Knowing she is caught, Clarke sets her jaw and her hand goes to her hip. She shakes her head, and Lexa can tell this is not about to be easy. “It doesn't matter. It's not your concern if I am leaving or going home. We said our goodbyes, Lexa…”

 

“Not my concern? Really?” Lexa says while taking a step towards Clarke. “Of course you are my concern Clarke! Together or not, your safety and wellbeing is a major concern to me.” Lexa takes a few more steps until she is right in front her her. “And we said our goodbyes? No. Not _we,_ only you. You got to say _your_ goodbyes. You said the things you wanted to say to me, but…what about what I need to say.” Lexa takes deep breath and few steps back, trying to calm herself before saying what she has been holding in for three years. “You left me in the middle of the night, with nothing but a letter. In that letter, you told me all the reasons that _you_ thought this wouldn't work. _You_ told me all the reasons that _I_ shouldn't love you. _You_ said this was what was best for us. And because it was a one-sided letter, I couldn't tell you what I thought about it. I couldn't tell you that you were wrong! That we could work, and I should love you. That the best thing for _us,_ was not giving up, but fighting harder.”

 

“I… Lexa…” Clarke brings her fingers to her mouth, and the look on her face causes Lexa's heart to physically ache. But she has to keep going. Clarke can't run away again, and keep living like she is. There are so many people back home that lover her, that want to help her. Lexa needs to make her see this.

 

“Please just let me finish.” Lexa looks around the storage unit. “It kills me knowing that you would rather live like this, then be at home with everyone that cares about you.”

 

“Because I'm broken! I'm a fucking mess, a burden…crazy!” Clarke makes her way over to Lexa, her eyes burning. “I hurt everyone, especially you! How many fucking times have you cried because of me? How many times Lexa?” Clarke pushes her. “Huh?”

 

Clarke goes to push Lexa again, but she grabs Clarke's wrists. Pulling Clarke close, she makes sure she has the blonde’s complete attention. “Not even enough to be able to _compare_ to the amount of times that I've smiled because of you.” She lets Clarke go, but the younger girl doesn't move. Tears are falling from Clarke's eyes, and Lexa grabs her face instead, using each of her thumbs to wipe the wet streaks. “I forgive you, Clarke. I know you were doing what you thought was best. But it's not, ok? Not this time. You can't run. You can't live on the streets anymore. You have people back home that love and care for you, and we all have been doing so much to… a lot changed after you left. I don't know what Octavia got the chance to tell you, but we have tried so hard to learn all that we can about what you are going through, so that we could help and be there for you when you came back. And you know what Clarke? Along the way... I had actually found my purpose in life. Knowing you… loving you… is what led me to that.” Lexa goes to the table where she had put her book down, and picks it up. “All I have wanted, is just for you to read this. I didn't want it to go down like this.” She laughs a tired laugh. “This is my letter back to you Clarke. I wanted you to read it and see what you mean to me. How you have changed my life completely, just by allowing me to love you.”

 

The unit suddenly gets very quiet as they both just stare at each other in silence. Clarke brings her finger away from her mouth, wipes her eyes and nods her head. “Read it to me?”

 

“You want me to read to you?” Lexa tries to keep her emotions in check, but it's very hard. Reading to Clarke was one of Lexa's favorite things to do. It started before they were together, and became almost a nightly tradition after they were.

 

Clarke eases her way further into the storage unit, and places her bag on the table. “If you want to.”

 

“Yes. Yes of course I do, Clarke.” Lexa slowly let's out the breath she had been holding.

 

Clarke walks over to the mattress and goes to sit in the corner of it against the wall. She rips off one the pictures and hides it under the pillow next to her, obviously not wanting Lexa to see it. Lexa grabs the chair and pulls it over towards the bed so she can be close to Clarke, without making her uncomfortable. Clarke brings her legs up to her chest, putting her head on her knees, waiting for Lexa to start.

 

Lexa takes a breath before opening the book, and flipping to the dedication page. The first of the many pages that she is about to read out loud, from her chapters long letter to Clarke. "Here goes nothing."

 

 

_“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”_

_Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars_

_For you, Love. It'll always be you._

 

 

 

_Chapter One –Rules_

_“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”_

_J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye_

_This is a story about a girl. But aren't they all? The best ones are anyway. Girls will make you do lot of things. Like make you fall for them face first with nothing but a smile and a laugh. They will make you fight tooth and nail for them, but most of the time it's with them. And for every bite and every scratch, you get triple the amount of the sweetest of kisses._

_Girls don't just make you do things, they make you be things as well. They make you be better, because that's what your girl deserves. Which is funny, because the thing girls make you be the most…is crazy. All girls make you or drive you crazy. So I say find the girl that makes the very best crazy version of yourself, and then don't let go. Don't ever let them go._

_We met by chance, my girl and me. I was in the city I usually tried to avoid, but couldn't on this night. You see, I have a cousin and his name is Lincoln. We are both boxers, although I only do it for fun and to keep my anger in check. He on the other hand, does it for a living. Well on this night, he had won another local match, and we decided to go out and celebrate. And that my friends, is how I found myself face to face with the girl that would end up changing my entire fucking life._

_I was up on the roof top of the club 3Fifty Terrace in downtown Detroit. It over looks the city and I was just enjoying the view while I sipped my whiskey. I never appreciated the view before, but that night had felt different, and I should have fucking seen it coming. I was still a little high from the endorphin rush I always get while watching a fight, and I was trying to wind down a little bit. But then I heard her voice._

_“It's beautiful, isn't it?”_

_Have you ever heard a sound that strikes you to your very core? It gives you goosebumps, and makes you close your eyes just so you can focus harder on it. That's what happened when she spoke to me the first time. When I opened my eyes and turned to see who that sound was coming from, I swear time literally froze. I'm not making this shit up, I really felt like it was happening in slow motion. The most alluring set of blue eyes stared back at me, but it wasn't just the eyes that had locked me in. It was also pink and purple hair. It looked so soft, and the color reminded me of cotton candy. I remember wondering if it smelled like that too. And her lips, damnit. I wondered what they would look like saying my name. I won't even get started on the little freckle above her top lip...let's just say, I was a little captivated. Yea... I must have looked like a fucking idiot. I knew my mouth was hanging open, but I couldn't force myself to close it. And it just kept getting worse? I know what you're thinking, how could it get any worse? Time probably didn't actually stop so I could have been standing there gaping at her opened mouth for the last five minutes! But it was able to get worse. Much much worse. Because you know what happened. She smiled. So what did I do? Just kept staring, but eventually she she cleared her throat and spoke with that voice again._

_“Do you speak?” She said, with the smallest of laughs._

_“Pardon me?” Yep. I actually said that._

_It did however earn me another smile. "So she does speak. Rather politely at that.” Another fucking smile. And I couldn't help but think if she does it one more time, I would probably just jump off the building because it was way too much for me to handle. “I said it's beautiful.”_

_I nod. “Yes, your beautiful. I mean it's beautiful! Not you…I mean you are…of course you are…” I put my hands to my face trying to hide my embarrassment. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I was never that flustered around girls. I was always smooth and not to sound cocky but, I could get any girl I wanted usually.  Could turn on the charm, and the next thing I knew I was waking up to them in the morning. But with this girl, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't get my mind and my mouth to work on the same team._

_I hear her laugh again and I internally groan. At least I had hoped it was internally, but with the way things were going…who fucking knew. What I did know, was that her laugh was an even more beautiful sound than her voice. And…that I was about to make the biggest fool out of myself._

_She puts some fallen hair behind her ear, and I swear I could see the faintest of blushes as she did so. I finally look away from her face and see that she had a piece of paper and charcoal sitting on the banister in front of us. She was drawing the view from the roof top. “So, you… you're an artist” I stuttered out. What a fucking genius._

_She smiles again. “I draw. But I wouldn't say I am artist. I don't sell my work or anything like that.”_

_“I think you could still be an artist without selling your work. I consider myself a writer even though I haven’t had anything published. But you should. Sell your work I mean, not have it published. Or…well I guess you could have it published in magazines, article…things of that nature.” I had to clear my throat, it had gotten very dry during my rambling. “That's amazing. It looks like a photograph.” I point to her black and white picture of the skyline._

_“A writer. Should have known.” She closes her sketchbook and shrugs. “And maybe I will one day. Sell my work that is. Or publish it.” She gives me a playful smile to go along with her teasing. “Then I could buy one of those lofts they are building over there.” She points to a building on our left that is under construction. She smiles and then sighs drawing my attention back to her. “Could you imagine drinking coffee on the balcony and looking at this view every morning?”_

_She is looking over the city, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. “I can't think of anything I want more.” She catches me staring at her and rolls her eyes playfully, before reaching out and turning my face to look towards the city. I felt the tiniest bits of electricity when she touched me, I know I did and the thought drove me wild. I had to try and focus on her though, I didn’t think I had blown it completely yet._

_So I tried to focus on what she was showing me. I'll admit, it was a pretty view. But it had nothing on the girl standing next to me. “May I get you a drink?”  I groaned, and that time for sure it was out loud. I didn't understand why I was talking like an idiot. My mother was a stickler about manners, but she wasn't even there. I wasn't in a formal setting. I was at a club in downtown Detroit! May I? Pardon me? I was convinced I had completely lost my mind._

_By some stroke of luck, it had made her grin though. She shook her head and held  up the back of her hands where I could see a black X marked on them both, meaning she was under twenty one. Then she reached over and checked my watch. I swear to god, when one of her fingers made contact with my skin, I could see and not just feel the electricity it made from the contact. I probably wasn't imagining it that time. “I actually have to get going.”_

_Panic consumed me at her words. “Now? Are you sure?”_

_She laughs. “Pretty sure. If I want to catch the last bus of the night. But, it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” She then curtsied, obviously poking fun at my politeness._

_“Wait! Let me walk you to the bus stop? It's dangerous after dark.” I needed more time with this girl._

_While she was debating my offer, I felt someone come up behind me and put me in a headlock. “Why are you not helping your favorite cousin celebrate his win tonight?” A very drunk Lincoln asked me while I tried to wiggle free of his hold. “Ahhh. I see why.” He let the hold he had on me go, before shoving me behind him while he held his hand out. “Hello Lexa's friend. I am her much more attractive cousin, Lincoln.”_

_She put her hand on her hip, just as I had found a way around Lincoln’s massive form. “Hello Lincoln, Lexa's obviously drunk and much more arrogant cousin. I was just leaving. Congratulations on your win.” When she had found my eyes again, she sends me an apologetic smile. “It really was nice to meet you.” Then she turned around and left._

_I tried to follow after her right away, but all of Lincoln’s buddies surrounded me and then congratulated me for something stupid and macho and really not fucking important in that moment. The girl walking away was important, so I pushed everyone I could out of the way, and punched the ones who were harder to budge, before I finally made my way down towards the stairs._

_I had found her only a hundred feet or so past the bar and took off in a jog to catch up with her. “I am so sorry about that. He is not usually like that. I think he took one to many hits to the head tonight from his fight.”_

_She had turned towards me when she stopped. “It’s ok. It really wasn't anything. But I will say that he was wrong.” She sends me a confident and flirty smile, while I sat there and looked like a confused asshole. I couldn't tell if she was saying what I thought she was saying._

_“Can I walk you to the bus stop?” I'm pretty sure it came out just one giant word, it had been said so fast in my my need to have more time with her._

_“Sure.” She adjusts the bag around her shoulder and we start walking._

_I remember thinking that I had never been more nervous in my life, and that I had hoped she couldn't hear my heart pounding as loudly as I could. “So, my name is Lexa, but you know that already. Because Lincoln said it back there…at the bar. Where we just were…ok! I'm sorry.” I stopped walking feeling the sudden urge to explain myself and my unusual and very uncool behavior. “I know I sound like a rambling idiot right now, but I swear I'm not like this all the time.”_

_I can pinpoint this exact moment as the moment I started falling for her. The second her lips turned into the smallest of pouts at what I had said. “Really? Because I kind of like it. It really works for you.” She sends another flirty smile before starting to walk again._

_“Really?” I asked her after catching up with her. I could see the bus stop getting nearer, and I had tried to block the thought away. “Well I really enjoyed making a fool out of myself in front of you tonight. Do you think I could get your number so I could it again sometime soon? When you have a little bit more time?_

_The sound of a Diesel engine approaching us made me start to sweat. She looks over my shoulder at the bus, before looking back to me and shaking her head no. “Trust me Lexa, you don't want that.”_

_“You're right. I would rather not make a fool out of myself the next time I see you.”_

_As she smiled the biggest one yet, she leans in close, holding my gaze, before kissing the right side of my mouth. “I like you Lexa.”_

_“I like you too. That's why you should give me your number.” The breaks of the bus squeaked in the background as it pulled up beside us._

_“That’s why I shouldn't. I have two rules and together we would surely break them.” She turns to look at the bus, and I can see that almost everyone is on. Which meant she was about to go._

_I needed to keep her talking. I couldn't let her leave yet. “What rules?”_

_“Love, Lexa. It ruins everything. So I don’t fall in it, or let anyone else get the chance to fall in it with me. I’m sorry, but you scream hopeless romantic. I bet those are the kind of stories you write.”_

_I swear I’m not proud of this, but I put my hand behind my back and crossed my fingers. “I won’t fall in love with you. We can just hang out, be friends.”_

_“That sounds like a lie, but even if it's not, what about the other rule? What would keep me from falling for you? So, we should save both ourselves the heart break and instead, have a shared memory of a perfect moment with a stranger.” Leaning in again, she kissed my lips softly. Then she pulled back and started walking to the bus backwards. “Maybe I’ll even draw it. And you can write about it.”_

_“Wait! How can I if I don't know your name?”_

_Her response was a shrug and a small wave before disappearing into the bus... and out of my life forever._

_I'm just fucking kidding. Obviously I see her again, what else would I have to fill the rest of this book you bought?  It actually only took a few months before fate had put us together again._

_So I told you that Lincoln and I were both into boxing. Well, after my encounter with the mystery girl, I couldn't get her out of my head. It was making me restless. And when my Grandpops had died about a month later, he had left us all a decent chunk of change in his will. And I had convinced Lincoln to go in on a gym with me where we could train and also teach some kids that could use the self discipline the sport taught, like we needed when we were young. I thought it was a good thing to do and to keep me busy, considering I was going out of my mind over a girl I met only once._

_We hired a real estate agent and were on about our fifth gym when it happened. We decided we wanted to stay north of Detroit, but the agent had given us an address to a gym just outside of the south Warren/Detroit boarder. It was in a small run down neighborhood. About a forth of the houses on the block were vacant, and the gym sat by itself in an empty lot facing the two rows of houses._

_Lincoln started shaking his head the second we pulled up. “Nope.” Is all he had said._

_The gym was pretty run down, the windows were boarded, there was graffiti all over the brick exterior and the metal overhead door was hanging off its tracks. We could tell without getting out that the interior was stock full of debris, and it would be a huge job just to clear it out, without even touching all the repairs. But something told me to get out of the car, so I did. And as I was stretching from being cooped up in my Nissan 240 all morning, I turned looking behind me and I could see a head of cotton candy colored hair three houses down._

_I probably had blinked a dozen times, and rubbed my eyes just as many, to make sure I wasn't seeing things. But it was her. It was my mystery girl. She was leaning into a car window talking to someone pulled over. She reaches inside and grabs something from the driver, which looked like money and put it in her jeans pocket. It definitely looked like a drug deal. Just another piece of the mystery puzzle that was her._

_“Lincoln get out of the fucking car.” I told him, while not looking away from her._

_“Seriously Lexa? We are not buying this place.” He said, as he slammed my car door shut._

_I watched her until she went back inside her house and pulled out my phone. I double checked the asking price of the gym. Turns out, they were practically giving the building away, and I wouldn't need Lincoln’s help to buy it._

_“Yes we are.” I said, turning to him. “Or at least I am. Think about it, who better to help out than the troubled youth of the Motor City.”_

_“You're joking.” He looked at me like I was crazy…and maybe I was. Actually, I know I was. Because that's what a girl will do to you, remember?_

_I shook my head at him because I had never been more serious about anything in my life. “I don't need you to invest, but will you at least help me run the place and teach some classes?”_

_“Lexa, don't do anything rash ok? Talk to uncle Gus first. Your dad loved the idea of a gym, but I don't think this was what he had in mind.”_

_“Of course.” I told him…as I was emailing the realtor back telling her I had made my decision._

_It took about three hours of me talking out of my ass for my dad to agree to let me spend my inheritance on the gym in Detroit. I told him it was just over the Eight-mile border and that it would really help out the community. I reminded him that Grandpops had grown up in the city and I think he would appreciate what I was doing. I felt mildly guilty that the main reason I picked that gym was because of mystery girl, but told myself I would be helping out so it shouldn't matter the reason._

_Within a matter of weeks, all the papers were signed, all the payments had been made, and I was able to get the keys to my new building. I was so nervous the night before, I stayed up all night. I should have been going over clean out plans and repairs I knew were needed from the inspection. But I was thinking about pink and purple hair, and a smile that made my knees weak instead._

_I thought about what I would say to her when she saw me, for about…I don't know, the millionth time. All of my ideas of what to say sounded stupid, and since she seemed to like the fool I was when we met, I decided I would just play it by ear._

_I was outside Lincoln's house the same time that the sun was rising, and after only twenty minutes of jumping up and down on his bed, I finally got him up and on our way to my new gym._

_When we pulled up, not gonna lie, I looked immediately for my mystery girl. The sun was barely up so I didn't really expect her to be either, but you never know! She wasn't, by the way. Which was probably a good thing, because I actually did have a ton of work to do clearing out the gym so we could get in there for repairs._

_Lincoln and I both stood outside the building, both of us scratching our heads(literally) on where to begin._

_“Do you know how much I can't stand you right now?” Lincoln told me, before climbing into the debris filled building._

_“Not as much as you will after the first couple hours of work.” I follow him in and we come up with a semi decent plan to start our work. And by plan, I mean we just started taking out whatever was closest to the door, to the dumpster._

_At around noon, Lincoln decided he was was going to take a lunch break, so he called up some of his boys and took off with them, but I wanted to stay. Not for any particular reason. Definitely not in case I caught a glimpse of mystery girl, that was for sure…a lie. Jesus Christ. I was pathetic, I know. It's embarrassing enough to have lived through once. Now I'm reliving it…and also telling the world about it._

_Anyways, so Lincoln had been gone for a good hour or so, when something happened that made me think my luck could turn around. I had been sulking against my car, checking Tumblr for the fiftieth time, while not so subtly glancing over to where I had seen her before, when this copper haired kid comes up to me. He was about fifteen, and came up to me with an unlit blunt._

_“Lemme get a light.” He said to me, nodding his head in my direction. I reached into my jeans and threw him my zippo. “The fuck is this?”  He looked the lighter over, turning it around in his hand._

_"A zippo." I motioned for him to throw it back so I could show him. In one flip of my wrist and middle finger I had the flame going and a smile on my face. I loved zippos and doing fun tricks with them._

_“You got beat up a lot right. Shoved in lockers an shit?” He asked after he lit his blunt._

_“What? No.” He wasn't buying it. “Not after I learned how to box.”_

_I was only mildly offended when the little shit started laughing at me. I know how I look. Small and skinny, but I have a lot of muscle and know how to pack a punch. “Laugh it up kid, when I get the gym up and running I'll go a few rounds with you. Now let me hit that.”_

_He handed me the blunt while staring at the building. “You actually bought that place?”_

_I nodded instead of saying yes out loud. I was trying really hard not to cough from the weed in front of the little twerp. The shit was potent._

_“What you want with a broke down building in the hood? Are you like that Dexter dude? Are you gonna cut up all the drug dealers, rapists and pimps in there or somthin?” I almost laughed at the genuine look of curiosity on his face._

_I couldn't help but fuck with him a little bit. “Actually yea. You wanna help me with some names?”_

_His eyes shifted to the side as he tried to figure out if I was kidding or not. “I feel like I can't tell if you're tellin the truth or not, on the account of you being rich. Because you always hear that the rich are crazy.”_

_“I'm just fucking with you. My cousin Lincoln and I are turning this back into a gym. I could actually use some help if you're looking to make some cash.” I said before lighting a cigarette and offering the kid one when he points to them._

_“I’d rather just steal your rims. If I don't, someone else will and they won't be as gentle. I actually have a soft side for imports. But on the other hand I really don’t got shit else going on…”_

_While he had been talking, a car driving down the street caught my attention. It pulled up to the house I had seen mystery girl go into that first day. Not even a minute later, guess who came strolling out of the house looking more beautiful then I remembered. I couldn't stop myself from reaching out and grabbing the kid by his shirt, pulling him towards me so he could see who I was looking at. “Who is that girl?”_

_"That is my future wife son, back off.” He tells me while he tried to break free of my grasp. “You're kind of freakishly strong.”_

_"I'll give you a hundred bucks if you tell me her name.” I couldn't tear my eyes off her. I watched as she leaned over and in through the window of the car, and then comes back out a few seconds later, putting the money in her back pocket._

_“Money first.” The kid said, holding out his hand out palm first._

_I don't think I had ever reached for my wallet faster in my life. “Ok spill it.” Just as he was about to tell me, mystery girl decided that was the time to look in our direction. I swear I could hear her gasp even from the distance away that I was. I mean I probably couldn't and just imagined it, but what I didn't imagine was seeing the shock on her face before it transformed into annoyance, and then finally settling on anger._

_The only word I could remember I knew how to speak, was fuck. Which I said repeatedly to the kid next to me as mystery girl started walking towards us._

_“She looks pissed.”_

_“Thank you, I hadn't noticed. Now what's her name?” I didn't know if I wanted to run or not. Because she did look really pissed, but I decided to stay put. “Tell me dude.” I slapped him with the back of my hand just as she walked into hearing distance._

_“Aden go home.” She tells the kid before giving me her full attention. Is it bad that all I could think in that moment was how cute she was when she was angry?_

_“But I'm working.” He holds up the money I had given him._

_“Leave.” I wasn't sure if she meant me or the kid. Probably both. Definitely both._

_"Sorry Clarke...” He made sure to put emphasis on the name. I wanted to hug him. “I need this job.”_

_“What job?” She finally looked away from me and focused on him. I wanted her eyes back on me the instant they left._

_“Aden is helping me clean out the gym, Clarke.” Oh how good it had felt to say her name. Like it was meant to be rolled off my tongue. Hearing her own name, my wish was granted, and her eyes turned to meet my own._

_“You're the one that bought this place? Why?”_

_I felt myself starting to do that thing where I just stare at her, so I had to force myself to get more words out. “Uhhh…? Fuck.” Yep. I had forgotten all of the other words again._

_“She’s a boxer and she bought a gym Clarke. Why you jumpin down her throat? Leave my new rich friend alone.” He had thrown his arm around me for added effect._

_“I’m not rich.” I don’t know why I felt the need to defend myself. I wasn’t rich. My parents were upper middle class sure, but we weren’t rich. But I could see where he thought I was. After he explained it to us by listing all the many reasons on his fingers, of course._

_“You got a gym, a brand new whip, a weird ass lighter, you paid me a hundred bucks to tell you Clarke’s name…”_

_“She what?” I hadn’t known Clarke but from that one amazing night, but even I could tell from the tone in her voice that I just did something terribly terribly wrong._

_Lincoln pulled up while I was trying to think of something to say to redeem myself. And to think for a minute, I was actually feeling quite thankful about it._

_The second he had gotten out of the car Lincoln recognized Clarke. “You have got to be shittin me! This is why you bought this place?”_

_I didn’t even get a chance to see the look on Clarke’s face. She walked away the second he had finished speaking those stupid and yet true words._

_"Fuck."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you have read my other stories you know I am a sucker for first person, and I couldn't help but sneak it in somewhere. The story is going to bounce back and forth so I hope you don't mind it. Also I need to know..to sin or not to sin in this story. Let me know your thoughts.
> 
> As always...thank you so fucking much for reading this.
> 
> Until next time!


	5. A lover... A fighter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I heard you guys loud and clear and I have decided to sin :) Not this chapter but I promise soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading this, for all your kind words and everything! I hope you don't mind but this chapter is only told from Lexa's point of view in her book. 
> 
> Much Love my friends

_Chapter 2- Allies_

_“They told me that to make her fall in love, I had to make her laugh. But every time she laughs, I’m the one who falls in love.”_

_Tommaso Ferraris_

_It took all of about thirty seconds of watching Clarke walk away from me, to be able to get my feet moving. “Clarke wait!” She didn't. She didn't turn around, she just kept walking. So I jogged down the street to catch up with her, and was able to get in front of her just as she reached her house._

_“Clarke please, let me explain.” I asked when she was forced to stop, since I had been standing in her way. She crossed her arms, set her jaw, and then gave me a look that said... You have three seconds before I clock you and keep moving._

_So, can you guys guess what I did in all the allotted amount of time…I stared. I know! I needed to get it the fuck together, but you have no idea how beautiful she looked in the sun, and up close. Seriously._

_I'm pretty sure she knew I wasn't able to stop at that point until forced. I was staring at her lips when I noticed they were moving. They were saying my name, and I'm pretty fucking sure I smiled like an idiot. God, why can't I be making this shit up?_

_“Lexa.” She had to say again._

_“Hmm? Oh fuck! Right… so let me explain. It's not what it looks like.”_

_She gets an overly exaggerated shocked look on her face. “No? You didn't buy a piece of shit building because somehow how found out where I lived?” Have I told you how much of a turn on strong women are to me? Probably should have mentioned that sooner, but yea._

_I tried to lie and say, nope! Pure coincidence Clarke! Isn't that crazy? Must mean we're soulmates…wanna date me? But I couldn't. Only the truth would come out. “Kind of…?”_

_Looks like Clarke was not expecting that to actually be true, because she gets a real shocked expression on her face this time. “Are you a fucking serial killer because everyone on this block owns multiple guns…even me.”_

_I blinked a few times before answering.“Why does everyone think I'm a serial killer over here? Do I really give that vibe?” I know it wasn't the right time but I was fucking curious. Both her and Aden asked and I didn't want to get a complex. “And I mean kind of because I was looking for a gym and…well when I was checking this place out I saw you. And I don't know Clarke, it kind of felt like a sign because…shit this is going to probably not help my case, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we met.”_

_She sighs before rubbing her face. “Lexa. First of all, I wasn't even myself that night we met, so forget anything you felt at all. It wasn't real. And secondly, the rule part was true. I'm not looking for anything or anyone. I'm good with the people in my life and I don't want any others in it.” She sounds tired when she says this, but not mean._

_Her first point hadn't really registered when she said it because her second point made me forget it almost instantly. I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I didn't take her feelings into account when I saw her and instantly decided to buy the gym. All I was thinking about was another shot at getting to know my mystery girl. “You know what, I am really sorry Clarke. I didn't take your wishes you had expressed into consideration, and was completely focused on my own selfish ideas of that night. I promise I won't try to impose on your life. We can honestly remain strangers.”_

_She doesn't say anything right away, just kind of looks me over to see if  I'm actually telling the truth._

_“I swear. I'll stay over at the gym and won't bother you. You will only get a smile and neighborly wave if we do cross paths. Unless you don't want that either. I can give you the old and crotchety neighbor scowl instead.” I raised my fist slightly in the air and gave the best old and crotchety impression I could muster. “Damn kids, stay off my lawn!” Jesus. So embarrassing._

_Totally worth it though, because it actually made her laugh… a little bit. Chuckle perhaps would be a better word for it. But it didn't matter what you called it, she was amused. “A wave would be fine, Lexa. Please don't ever do what you just did, ever again.” She then laughs for real this time, and I think I had died. Truly. I think the sound had killed me and then resuscitated me all within the same moment. I didn't think it was possible but the sound was even sweeter than I had remembered it to be. I could easily get addicted to it. Or maybe already was. I don't know. All I did know, was that the promise I had just made her was looking like it was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done, and I really wish I had crossed my fingers this time too._

_“Are you serious? That was a great impression.”She smiled while shaking her head._

_“Clarke!” Her name had been called out from someone behind me, and I almost started throwing punches at whoever it was that interrupted what I believed to be my last few seconds alone with Clarke._

_A blonde about Clarke's age comes walking up on our side. I only spared her a quick glance, because the clock was ticking and I couldn't waste any of it not looking at Clarke._

_“Hey. Can I get a bag off you?” She then looks to me with a big smile. “Who is your friend Clarke?”_

_Clarke sets her jaw again, and rolls her eyes slightly. “This is Lexa. She bought the old Sinclair gym.”_

_The girls eyes light up, when she looks over in the direction of my gym. “You bought the gym? Are you a boxer? That's sexy.” She holds out her hand to me. “My name is Harper.” She says this in a flirty voice._

_It takes me longer than it should have to look away from Clarke which she notices, but I am able to force myself to and hold my hand out to her. “It's nice to meet you, Harper. My name is Lexa Woods.”_

_I give the girl enough attention as to not be rude before turning back to Clarke. She does not seem very pleased with our interaction and was staring daggers at the girl. “Why don't you go inside, Octavia is in there and she can give you what you need, Harper.”_

_“No that’s ok. I can wait. So do you box Lexa?”_

_I could hear the annoyance in the sigh Clarke released. “Uh, yes.” I replied. Short and sweet because I just wanted her to leave, and I'm pretty fucking sure Clarke did too. Which I was trying really hard not to read too much into. Clarke might just not like this girl, and it could have nothing to do with Harper’s apparent interest in me._

_“Did I mention how sexy that is?” She lifts her hand to feel my left arm. “I bet you're really strong then huh?”_

_“I’ll just leave you two alone, and go get your shit.” Clarke says, before going to walk in her house._

_“Clarke wait!” She stops and turns back to me._

_“See you around, Lexa. Good luck with your gym.” She doesn't let me say anything in return before she leaves._

_I watched her walk in the house, only vaguely realizing that Harper was talking to me._

_“… watch you train. Maybe even a possible private lesson?”_

_“What? Uh, yea for sure. We should have a few trainers that could give you private lessons. But it was nice to meet you, I have to get back to work. There is a ton left to do still. See you around.” I nod politely at her, and she looks surprised that I was even leaving and maybe a little offended._

_When I got back, Aden and Niko who is one of Lincoln's friends, were taking out part of the old ring that had been in there. Lincoln came strolling out afterwards with a huge chunk of the ring by himself. I let him throw it in the dumpster before I let him know how much of a dick he was._

_“Are you fucking serious dude?” I had asked._

_“Don't give me that shit Lexa, you bought this place to be by your fucking mystery girl.” He stood in front of my with his arms crossed._

_“I bought this place because I wanted to buy a gym. To have a place we could train the way we wanted, and on our schedule. And to maybe help some kids along the way, like we were helped as kids. Yes ok I admit maybe she had a little something to do with the location but you know I wanted to do this before I knew she lived over here.” I didn't back down, and stood toe to toe with him._

_“Ok true, but still, we didn't have to come all the way to the hood to do that. You did this because of a girl. And that's fucking…” Something catches his eye behind me, and I turn to look to see what it had been._

_A beautiful brunette comes walking towards us from Clarke's house._

_“Holy shit dude. Who the fuck is that.” Lincoln reaches out and grabs Aden the same way I had done when Clarke walked out._

_“For real? Lay off my women you fucks! That's my second wife to be.” He tries to get himself out of Lincoln's grip but fails. “I'll tell you her name for a hundo.”_

_Lincoln laughs looking between Niko, Aden and I. “Is this kid serious? Who would be lame enough to do that?” Thankfully he walked away before Aden could rat me out. Although if he didn't, my blush surely would have._

_He meets the girl just at the end of the drive way and nods at her. “Hey, I'm Lincoln.”_

_“Hey.” The girl replied with a flirty smile. “Octavia.”_

_He nods up and down. “Cool. Wanna go out sometime?”_

_Aden, who was also watching the exchange turns to me. “You should have did that with Clarke. Saved yourself some money.” He brings the bill I had given him up so Niko sees before putting it back in his pocket._

_“I can't wait to get you in the ring you little shit.” He laughs it off, but I was serious. I was going to make it my mission to train him personally, and for free. My payment would come in other forms. Like boxing the little twerps ears._

_Our attention is brought back to the couple when Octavia lets out a laugh. “Seriously?”_

_Lincoln scratches his head. “You don't want to go out?”_

_“Well no I do, your fucking hot. But you lost major fucking points, and will just really have to impress me.” She laughs again shaking her head in amused disbelief. “You just went straight for it.”_

_Lincoln looked a little worried and I couldn't help the smug smile I got watching him. “I’ll pick you up at eight…if that's ok?”_

_“You can pick me up Friday at nine, I have class tonight. I'll be wearing something fancy, so you better take me somewhere nice.” She doesn't wait for him to respond and starts heading in my direction. “I need to talk to you.”_

_“Me?” I had an idea that she was about to yell at me and probably accuse me of being a serial killer._

_“Yes.”  She replies sternly._

_Aden laughs. “What did you do to piss of women so bad?”_

_Octavia turns her head in his direction. “Aden go home.”_

_He scoffs. "I'm working.” He pulls out the money I gave him to show her. She snatches it from him._

_“Oh good, you owe me.” She shoves the money in her back pocket, and turns to me. “I need to talk to you. Alone.”_

_“Uh, sure. We can go inside but please be careful, it's kind of a mess and one giant safety hazard right now.” I lead us into the gym through the rolling garage door, and into the main training section. The ring was almost completely out, and it was starting to look more open. My office… or what would become my office, was all the way at the end and up the stairs like a loft. I loved it. Or at least I was going to once I remodeled it. I wanted to have all glass walls so I could watch everything from it. The locker rooms were to the left of the main training area and to the right was a private room we could use for one on one training. That's where I took Octavia so we could talk._

_She barley lets me shut the door before she bombarded me with questions. “What are your intentions with Clarke? And did you really buy this place because of her?” She has both hands on her hips and taps her toe waiting for an answer._

_I was a bit nervous, so I just spewed out the first thought I had. “Well, my intentions are to remain strangers per her insisting request, and she mildly influenced the location, but I had planned on buying a gym prior.”_

_She stares at me for a few seconds. "Do you always talk like that? Are you a serial killer?" My mouth drops, because come on! She smiles quickly and shakes her head. “I'm just fucking with you. She basically told me your entire conversation verbatim.”_

_My eyes lit up. “She did?”_

_Octavia notices my excitement. “She did. Now, do you want to remain strangers with Clarke.” I shook my head because if I opened my mouth to say no, I probably would have screamed it and scared the poor girl. “Why?”_

_I replied without thinking. “Have you met Clarke?”_

_I guess it was the right answer, because Octavia dropped her defensive posture and went to go sit on an old folding chair that had been left. “I love Clarke more than anything. She is my best friend, and sister. She has been through more than anyone her age should go through, and I just want her to be happy. I will do whatever I need to in order to help her be happy. Even if that means going behind her back.”_

_I decided I had to sit down as well, in regards to where this conversation was headed. “Are you saying what I think you're saying?”_

_“She talked about you for weeks after you two had met. I've seen her draw you, which wow. Spot on. But, Clarke thinks love isn't for her, and I disagree. She's freaking out wondering how she is going to avoid you, but I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to help her, by helping you. Understand?”_

_That was a lot of information to take in all at once. I was still trying to process that Clarke was talking about me and drew me. “I think so.”_

_She slaps her hands on her thighs before getting up. “Great! We’ll be in touch.” She walks out, but I don't get up to follow her. I couldn't move, my head was spinning far too much at the turn of events. I sat there for while replaying the entire afternoon in my head over and over._

_Eventually I was forced to get up though, when the folding chair I had been sitting on broke, and I had been lying there flat on my back. Of course Aden had been the one to find me like that, and wouldn't stop laughing. That little shit._

_After that day, for the next couple of weeks, I had focused all the energy I could on the remodel of the gym. Every day I worked from sun up until sun down, and made sure I had a hand in every repair or remodel that took place. That way I would be too tired to torture myself with thoughts of Clarke. Haha. Lies. I was never too tired to torture myself with thoughts of Clarke._

_We were only a week or so away from being open, and I had just gotten back to the gym from getting pizza when I noticed Octavia was there. I threw the four large boxes to Aden. “Make sure you save me some this time.”_

_He laughs. “Can't promise you that boss, how many sheets of drywall did I put up today? I need my strength.”_

_The kid hadn't left us since the first day. He lived in the closest house, and every morning as soon as he saw me pull up, he came over and didn’t leave until I did. He said he just needs the money to pay back Clarke and Octavia who had bailed him out of jail a few months prior, but I honestly think he just belongs with us. Whatever the reason, he's a good kid and if he is with me then he's not getting in trouble. Which it sounded like he was good at finding. So I was happy to have him around, and he was actually a really hard worker._

_"Looks great in here." Octavia told me as I walked her into my office. “Lincoln said I wouldn't recognize the place and he was right. Wow Lexa!”_

_I couldn't help but puff my chest out in pride. “Thank you Octavia. It's been a lot of hard work, but I think it will be worth it. We should be able to move all the equipment in by Saturday.”_

_She gets a playful look on her face with the mention. “Well don't work too hard during the day on Saturday, because we're going out to celebrate the opening. Lincoln and I have already discussed it, and guess who I convinced to come along.”_

_“Clarke? Is it Clarke?” I rushed out in a very smooth like fashion. And by smooth I mean desperate._

_“Lincoln swears you're a real charmer…but I just can't see it.” She laughs. “Yes it's Clarke. We're going out to celebrate and dance, she loves to dance by the way. That's how I convinced her to come, so I hope you can keep up.”_

_“I can dance.” And I could. I could dance very well actually. But then again, I turned into a brainless idiot every time I was anywhere near Clarke…so there was that._

_“You sound very…confident? Can you really dance?”_

_“I can. But when I'm around Clarke, I fuck up even a simple conversation. So…”_

_Octavia laughs again. “I know, she's told me everything. She thinks it's cute, which is why she wants to stay away from you. So you're going to put your brave face on, get liquid courage or whatever you need, and win her over. You got me?” I only nod because my voice wouldn't come out as confident at that moment. “Great! She will be riding there with Lincoln and I, but drive separate. She likes to leave early, and I will be wanting to stay.” She winks at me before turning to leave._

_“Thank you!” I call out to her, but she just waves her hand in the air, and goes back downstairs to Lincoln. While I stood there for fifteen minutes trying to figure out what to do. I had only seen Clarke once in the couple of weeks, and I had waved politely like promised. She had smiled and waved back, and that was it. Now I had to prepare to be in the same group of people as Clarke at a club and well…I was freaking. I felt like I had one more shot and could not blow it. Not when I actually had some help from Octavia._

_Time flew by and the next thing I had known, it was Saturday night. I was waiting at the bar, nursing my second whisky when I received the text from Lincoln saying they were there. I threw my drink back before heading upstairs to the VIP room Lincoln rented out._

_I thought I would beat them into the room, but when I walked through and saw cotton candy colored hair I froze. Then I saw the amount of people that were there and was floored. I thought it was a small get together but all of my friends and most of my family was there. Everyone was standing, holding a glass of champagne and cheered as I walked in._

_Lincoln smiled as he handed me a glass and raised his own. “I'll admit cousin, I was skeptical at first when you told me your plan, and even more so when you picked your location.” There were a few small laughs, but I didn't pay attention to them. To tell you the truth I barely registered his words, I was trying really hard not to stare at Clarke the entire time. “But you really impressed me Lexa, you gave your all into getting that gym the way you pictured it, and I am thankful that you're allowing me to make it my own personal training ground too. So let's throw a few punches, take a few hits...”_

_“Hopefully not financially!” Someone called out making everyone laugh again. I looked and saw that it was one of my other cousins Anya._

_Lincoln nods to Anya in agreement. “But let's have some fun, help some kids if we can, and I just wish you the best of luck Lex. Grandpops would be proud of you, Uncle Gus and auntie are proud of you and I am proud of you too. I love you kid, congratulations! To Lexa!”_

_“To Lexa!” Everyone clings their glasses together and I find Clarke's eyes on me as I go to drink my own._

_I had to tear my gaze from hers so I could speak. “First of all, I just want to thank you all for being here. It means a lot to have so much support in this little adventure I threw myself into.” I look over to my parents. “Mom and Pops, thank you for going along with my idea and for everything…ever. Lincoln, you have been so much help, through it all…when you weren't sneaking off to go make out with Octavia that is.” All of Lincoln's friends let out some cat calls, and I peeked in Clarke's direction to see her smiling and nudging Octavia. “I want to acknowledge a few people that couldn't be here tonight. Firstly my Grandpops. He made this all possible by believing his rowdy grandkids would try and make something of themselves if given the chance. He was a great man who taught me a lot about life, and the way we should live it. And that would be with an Irish whiskey in one hand, and a book in the other.”_

_"It was a woman! A woman in the other!” Lincoln calls out to me._

_“Oh no. No cousin, he just told you that because he didn't think you would actually ever learn to read.” I shift my focus on Clarke, and see she laughs with everyone else. She quickly brings her fingers to her mouth when she sees that I'm looking at her, in an usual act of shyness. I couldn't help but smile at her before continuing. “The second person I wanted to acknowledge is my new friend Aden. He put just as much blood, sweat and tears into the gym as I did. He couldn't be here tonight because I think he is only like ten or something. But he was with my every step of the way, and it wouldn't have been possible with out him. I know you all would much rather drink than hear me talk for the next hour, so just one last thing… I actually need to make money, to keep the place up and running, so make sure you come join one of the classes or sign up for a private session. Now, let's drink! Shots are on Lincoln!”_

_Everyone cheers and pats Lincoln on the back. “Don't listen to her she's crazy! Shots are not on me!”_

_I go to try and find those beautiful blue eyes in the crowd of people again and spot them staring back at me from a table in the back. I lift my hand in my practiced neighborly wave, making her smile before she gave me a definitely cuter version of the crotchety scowl I had used on her before. I couldn't help the loud laugh I let out, and I felt my feet moving themselves towards her. This was it, the moment I needed. She had even smiled, and put some hair behind her ear when she noticed that I was heading over to her. It was the perfect opportunity…which was why it was interrupted._

_My parents intercepted me when I was half way there. “Lexa! My favorite daughter, the fruit of my loins!”_

_I could hear Clarke laughing having heard without even looking at her. “Impossible and disgusting Pops.”_

_“What you can't be my loins fruit? Are you too cool now, that you bought your own gym?” He put his big ass arm around my shoulders._

_“No I'm adopted so therefore not from your loins. And stop saying loins, it's creepy.” He laughs and takes me up into a big hug that I return._

_“I'm proud of you Lexa.” He whispered._

_“Thanks Pops.”_

_He lets me go and my mother took his place. She hugs me tight and kisses the side of my head, not one for many words my mother. Which is funny because she was a lawyer. But it also worked perfectly because it's hard to get a word in around my dad anyway._

_“Alright kid, we're out of here, go have fun. Gotta go put my next three drinks on pretty boy’s tab.” They leave to go to the bar, and I turn back in the direction Clarke had been. She was still there, which caused me to sigh out of relief, but then I couldn't help the sharp intake of air that followed when I saw who was sitting next to her. Harper._

_The girl would not take a hint. Harper was nice, don't get me wrong. But she was very forward, no matter how many times I tried to convey that I was not interested. I actually debated on whether or not to go over there, but Clarke caught my eyes. Of course I was going over there._

_The closer I got to her, the more I could feel my palms sweat, and I had to wipe them on my shirt. Which of course she totally saw and had to hide her smile._

_All right so I was a few steps away, and I was about to get my second... third chance? Ok my last chance at winning her over. In my head I pictured us flirting before dancing and having the night we should have had when we met. I was feeling confident! I was going to be cool and all I needed was the perfect opening._

_“Hi.” Nailed it. God, I know. Is it hard for you to read this? It's hard for me to write. I don't remember if I imagined the face palm I gave myself, or if it happened it real life. Either way, I was a fucking tool. But! It made her laugh, which also by the way…I was definitely addicted to the sound._

_“Hi, back.” She hides her smile with her hand again, and I really wish she wouldn't._

_“Lexa!” Arms are thrown around me, belonging to an already very drunk Harper. “Do you just get hotter each and every time I see you?”_

_“Oh? Do you guys see each other often?” Clarke asks Harper, while looking at me._

_“Yeaaa I hang around the gym sometimes while they work. She always busy though. Busy bee this one.” Harper leans in close to Clarke. “I think she's playing hard to get. Like very very hard to get.”_

_I wish I could have seen the absolute terror that was surely written on my face. “How hard to get?” Clarke asks while eyeing me some more. I bet my gulp was audible._

_“So hard, Clarke. But you know how much I like a game of cat and mouse!” I swear to god, she turned to me and meowed, before falling back laughing._

_I wasn't drinking anything but some how I had managed to choke. Clarke hands me her champagne which I downed immediately, making it worse. I was wearing a tie and had to loosen it but I was having a hard time. I felt the familiar spark when Clarke put her hand over mine on the knot. “Breathe Lexa.” She says, helping me loosen the tie. I'm pretty sure staring into her eyes was hindering not helping. But I didn't care._

_"Is that...what you do…with your lungs?” I am finally able to get a deep breath in._

_"Yes.” She laughs, before finding me a glass of water. “Is that better?”_

_I nod. “Yes, thank you Clarke.”_

_She smiles, before looking at Harper who had apparently laid down across the chairs. "Do you want to go get some air?"_

_“Please.”_

_We walk out of the VIP section and out on the second floor smoking patio. As soon as the fresh air hits us we both take in a huge refreshing breath._

_"Thank you for coming tonight.” I forced out._

_“Well, Octavia didn't leave me much of a choice.” She smiles. “But I am glad that she didn't.”_

_“I'm glad she didn't as well.” I admitted._

_She turns to look out over the view of the city, while I debate on what to say next, but she beats me to it. “So I have been thinking.” She turns back to face me. “Maybe I jumped to conclusions about not having any more people in my life. Octavia and Lincoln seem to be hitting it off pretty well, and Aden just fucking adores you by the way. Since your already around everyone else in my life, maybe I could stand to have another…friend.”_

_I was expecting the word to crush me. I kept waiting for the pain to hit me but it never came. “I think I would like that very much Clarke.” Having her in my life even as a friend was much better than the alternative._

_“Yea?” I can't tell if she is happy or disappointed._

_“Yes.” I give her a smile to show that I am telling the truth._

_She nods up and down. “Good. I'm sorry for being rude…”_

_I stop her immediately. “You have nothing to be sorry about Clarke.”_

_“Still. I am.” She taps the banister and looks out at the view again. “So I didn't mean to listen in, but I heard you say you were adopted?”_

_“Yes, I was. My parents adopted me when I was three.” I reach in my pocket and grab a cigarette. I offer one to Clarke but she declines. “I don't really remember my birth parents though.”_

_“Was that hard for you?” She asks before fixing my tie a little bit._

_“Not really. I mean, I went through a phase when I was younger and felt angry at the world but my dad, he was a boxer as well and thought it could help me sort some stuff out. He was right. It helped a lot, and honestly, I wouldn't trade my parents for anything. They have given me the best life I could ever ask for. What about you?”_

_“Was I adopted?” She teases._

_I laugh. “No, I meant is there anything I could learn about you that you feel like sharing?”_

_She takes a minute to think before speaking. “I dropped out of school at fourteen after my dad died to help take care of my mom, Octavia and her mom.”_

_All I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms. It seemed such a heavy burden for a young girl to bear, and I wanted to take some of the weight for her. I didn't want to say I was sorry, because that is what everyone says, even though I was. But after awhile I think ‘I'm sorry’ just loses all its meaning. “That sounds like a heavy weight to carry for a teenager.”_

_I don't think she was expecting my response, but I do think it was the right one. “It caused me to grow up fast.” She turns away from me. “Forced me to do things I shouldn't have had to do.” She sighs. “But, that's life right?”_

_She looks back to me, and I shake my head. “It shouldn't be.”_

_A small, sad smile graces her lips. “No. I guess you're right. But I should also take everything you say with a grain of salt. You writers, with your optimism and happy endings.” She grabs my hand and leads us back inside. “Enough talking, Lexa. Let's just dance.”_

_I decided right then and there that if there was ever a time I could help Clarke, that I would. However she needed me, as a friend, as more, or as just another human. I promised myself to always be there for her. So if she needed to just dance at that moment, and forget whatever troubled her, then we were going to fucking dance._

 

_Ok. So I was serious when I said I could dance. I spent the entire summer before ninth grade in my room watching hours of Usher music videos, trying to learn all his dance moves. Maybe I should have edited that sentence out... But anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that I can dance. But Clarke…my god! She was a force. She felt the music with her entire body. Her hips were mesmerizing, and I couldn't take my eyes off them. That was until she grabbed my tie and pulled me in close, before turning around. I couldn't stop myself from gripping on to her hips while moving my own to match hers._

_I must have surprised her because she turns around quickly, and throws her arms around my neck. Then she leaned closer to my ear so I could hear her. “You're a lover. A fighter. And you can dance.” She shakes her head back and forth. “You're going to be trouble Lexa.”_

_I can't stop the cocky smile from forming as she pulls back. “I'll behave.” It probably would have been more believable if I hadn't been staring at her lips._

_I glance up just in time to see her staring back at my own, before she is ripped from my arms and held in another's._

_A shaggy haired kid drags her over to the closest wall and corners her. “Are you on call tonight Clarke?” I don't know what he is talking about but I was already on my way over to stop him, because Clarke did not seem happy to be restrained by him._

_“Finn get off me!” She pushes him but he is too drunk and strong. “I told you I don't do that anymore!”_

_He pushes himself further into her. “Yea but you always say that. I'll pay double.”_

_I got to him the second the words left his mouth, and pulled him back by his shirt collar. I threw him into the three buddies he had with him. “Get him the fuck out of here!” I positioned myself between them and Clarke. “Now!”_

_The guys all start laughing, and help the drunk Finn up. “Are you serious? My dad owns this club.”_

_“Fine, then we will leave.” I reach my hand behind me and Clarke laces her fingers with mine. I try to push past them but Finn stops me by placing a hand on my shoulder. I look down at it before looking up to meet his eyes, letting him know how bad of idea the was._

_“Do you work with Clarke?” He peeked around me to get a good look at her. “Or just another customer?”_

_As soon as his attention was back to me, and I saw that disgusting grin, I couldn't stop from throwing my head into his face. The sick crunch followed by his little bitch of a scream, told me I broke his nose._

_Things kind of spiraled after that. I could feel Clarke's hand slip from my own, as I was thrown to the ground by three of the big ass bouncers. I'm not exactly sure what happened after, but that could have something to do with the faux designer boot to my face._

_When I had regained consciousness, my hands were hand cuffed behind me and I was in the back of a cop car. I spit out the blood that had pooled in my mouth, and noticed that we were still at the club. I tried to scoot to the other side so I could look out the window facing the club. The first thing I noticed was a very shaken Clarke, held in Octavia's arms and I felt the rush of guilt. I put two and two together just before I head butted that stupid fuck. I didn't care though. It was just another piece of the mystery girl puzzle. If she wanted to talk more about it, then I will listen. If she wanted me to never bring it up again, I would never say another word. But I did feel terrible that she was so upset in that moment. From his words, and my actions._

_The next thing I had noticed was Lincoln holding my dad back from attacking Finn. My mom was speaking with the officers and either the owner or manager of the club. She was probably the only reason I wasn't being booked at the moment. It really does pay to have a lawyer and a mother as the same person._

_I didn't care if I went to jail, honestly. That prick deserved what he got, and more. I just couldn't get over how bad I felt about Clarke. When she sees me through the back window, she looks to make sure the cops weren't looking and breaks free from Octavia's grip and runs over to the cop car._

_“You're so stupid.” She tells me, while putting her hand on the glass. “Why would you do that for me?” She has to talk loud so I can hear, and she gets the cop’s attention._

_“Get away from there!” He tries to tell her but she ignores him._

_I shrug at her. “A lover. A fighter…” I repeat back._

_“A dumbass.” She calls out, as the cop gets to her and starts forcing her back to the side walk._

_Blood starts to pour out of my busted lip again from the smile I couldn't hold in. I spit it out as my mother and the cops head over to the car. I'm only a little surprised when they open the car and pull me out. “No charges are being pressed, you're free to go.” He tells me while he loosens the handcuffs._

_My mom grabs my arm and takes me over to my dad. She barely fussed over my lip, having seen way worse from some of my other fights in the past. Most of those were in a ring though. “Are you alright?” She asks me._

_“Never better mom. Thank you for getting me out.”_

_“She's gonna have to get me out of a fucking murder charge if I see that little prick again.” My dad yells loud enough for Finn to hear. I laugh when he hides behind the bouncers._

_“Lexa, this is not a laughing matter. Gustus keep your voice down.” She takes her turn scolding us both, and we each quiet down. “Lincoln will you go get our car, Lexa your coming home with us.”_

_“But mom, my car is here.”_

_She shakes her head. “You have been drinking and you were kicked in the face. You think I'm going to let you drive.”_

_“I can drive her. I haven't been drinking.” I turn to see Clarke standing next to me._

_“It's a stick.” I say before realizing._

_“I know. You need to stop riding that clutch, before you wear it out in a few months.” My mouth drops. Lincoln's mouth drops. And my dad lets out the biggest laugh I have heard from him in a while._

_“She can drive you.” My mom says, before leaning in and hugging me. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”_

_“I like this one.” My dad whispers about Clarke in my ear, as he hugs me goodbye._

_“Me too, Pops.”_

_“I'll follow you guys so I can give Clarke a ride back home after she drops you off.” Lincoln offers after my parents leave._

_“Thanks Linc.” He squeezes my shoulder before going with Octavia to get his car._

_It's quiet between the two of us for the first ten minutes of the drive. I don't mind though. I can't help but sit back and watch as Clarke shifts my car perfectly. I can tell from the smile that she knows I'm looking at her. “You know you live in the Motor City right? And you have the balls to drive an import?” She looks over at me, before looking back to the road._

_“I'll do you one better. My dad is even third generation Ford. He hates it.”_

_She laughs. “I bet he does.” Clarke is quiet for a few seconds, obviously debating something. “You can ask me.”_

_“Ask you what?”_

_I can tell without looking that she rolled her eyes. “What you're wondering. About what Finn said.”_

_I shrug. “I'll listen if you want to talk about it, but… I don't want this to come out the wrong way...but it doesn't matter to me if it's true.”_

_Again she is silent, and I was wondering if what I said came out wrong or possibly offensive. “My mother is an alcoholic. She got really bad after my dad died, and isn't capable of holding a job. She and I moved in with Octavia and Aurora took us in when our dad's died…Octavia's dad and mine were working when it happened. But anyway, so they took us in, my mom couldn't remain sober enough to work, and so Aurora had to support us all. She worked as an escort and at the diner but it still wasn't enough some times. I would…I had to do it a few times over the years.” She looks at me when we pull off the 23 mile and I-94 exit. “Do I go left or right?”_

_“Right.” I point while I say it. “You know if it ever comes to that again, you can come to me.”_

_“I don't take hand outs Lexa.” She was definitely offended._

_“I didn't mean it like that or to offend. I just meant we could figure it out. I'd do anything for…one of my friends.”_

_“Like almost get arrested for head butting someone.” The teasing was back in her tone._

_“Yes. Just like that. But I swear Clarke, you won't ever have to do that again.” I point to the right again. “This is my driveway, up here.”_

_“Driveway? It looks more like a street.” My parents house sat right on Lake Saint Clair. The driveway was pretty long. We get to the house and Clarke’s mouth drops open this time. “You live in a mansion? I can't wait to tell Aden.” She hits my arm after she pops the car in neutral and turns the key. “You really are rich huh?”_

_I groan and throw my head back. “Not rich. Parents are well off, but not rich.”_

_“Lexa. You could probably fit three of my houses in there.” She hands me the keys when we both get out, and I can see Lincoln's head lights coming up the drive way._

_“Clarke. I had fun with you tonight.” I couldn't help the honesty._

_“Yea.” Her finger lightly traces my swollen lip. “You're so stupid.”_

_“So you keep saying.”_

_Lincoln pulls up behind my car, and they wait for Clarke. I can feel Clarke's indecision on whether to stay a few more minutes or to leave. She leans in and kisses my cheek before turning to go. “Good night, Lexa.”_

_“Good night, Clarke.”_


	6. Punch drunk and in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the continued kudos and comments, they make me so fucking happy! I hope you like this chapter and the next few to come. Let me know what you think. I'll try to get the next one out asap!
> 
> Much love, friends!

“Lexa?” Clarke says, as she watches Lexa cover her mouth from her third yawn in the last ten minutes. “When was the last time you slept?”

 

Lexa thinks for a second, not really remembering, but knows it's been well over forty-eight hours. “Uhhh… it hasn't been that long.” She knows the look that will be on Clarke's face before she even looks back to her.

 

“You need to sleep.” Clarke commands.

 

“Or…I just need some coffee.” Clarke shakes her head at her. “It's ok, Love. I'll be fine.” Lexa knows she needs to sleep, but she can't. She wants to keep reading to Clarke, and if she is being honest with herself, she is scared to sleep. Scared that if she closes her eyes for longer than a blink, Clarke will disappear again.

 

Clarke shyly pats the spot next to her on the mattress. “I won't leave. I promise you.”

 

She hesitates for only a second, before she climbs into the bed. Clarke pulls up one of the ratted blankets, and drapes it over them both. “I can keep reading to you.” It probably would have been more believable if Lexa didn't scoot down so her head was on the pillow, after another yawn.

 

Clarke scoots down too, and faces Lexa. Her breath ghosts across Lexa's face, making her close her eyes. “I'm not going anywhere, Lexa.” Then Clarke raises her hand, and starts ghosting her finger tips across Lexa's eyebrows, before moving them to her jawline. Then she starts the process over again.

 

“Oh that's just mean.” Lexa tells her. It's one of Lexa's weaknesses, and always puts her to sleep.

 

“I can't believe you wrote me a book.” Clarke whispers.

 

Lexa yawns again, and tries to open her eyes. “It was part of the deal. We signed a contract.”

 

Clarke laughs softly, but doesn't say anything. She just keeps running her fingers lightly across Lexa's face. When she tucks some of the fallen brunette hair back behind Lexa's ear, she knows that she had fallen asleep. Clarke puts her hand down, and takes a minute to watch her sleeping love. She wishes things were different, she wishes it everyday. The last time she did this, the last time she watched Lexa sleep, was the night she left Detroit. The night she left her entire life behind.

 

Clarke reaches under the pillow, and grabs the drawing she had hid and opens it. The same scene plays out on the paper as it does in real life. It's of a sleeping Lexa.

 

After the very first time she slept next to Lexa, she wasn't able to sleep without her. So, the drawing was the next best thing, once she found herself sleeping alone. She would tape it to the wall closest to her so she could stare at it, until it calmed her enough to fall asleep. Every detail is the same, right down to Lexa's slightly open lips. Clarke smiles and runs a finger over the real ones.

 

“I love you.” Lexa whispers in her sleep. This makes Clarke smile again, before the tears start. She had always talked in her sleep.

 

“And I love you.” She whispers back, before placing a soft kiss on the older girl’s lips. Clarke folds the drawing up and places it beside the bed. If she wanted to leave, now would be her chance. Lexa is a light sleeper, unless she goes a long time without it. Then she can only be shaken awake.

 

She debates on what to do, while she listens to the steady rhythm of Lexa's breathing. She turns around having made up her mind. Clarke lifts up Lexa's arm, and scoots herself until her back is flushed against Lexa's front, and brings her arm back down.

 

Either it's muscle memory or instinct, but the grip of the brunette’s arm increases around her waist, while pulling Clarke's body as close as she can physically be to Lexa's. She laces her fingers with Lexa's, before bringing the other girl's hand up to her mouth, and kisses it. She's going to stay. She's going to finish the story, and then decide on what to do. She owes that much to Lexa.

 

It only takes minutes until Clarke falls asleep herself. The feeling of safety and home, being too much to bare.

 

 

 

“Hey! What the fuck have I told you about sleeping here?” Clarke jumps hearing the angry voice yell at her. Lexa startles beside her and turns to face the older man standing in front of her. “Homeless garbage.” The man spits just inside the unit. “I'm voiding your lease. You better be out of here by tomorrow morning!”

 

Lexa is up in a heart beat and gets into the man’s face. “What did you just say?” She goes nose to nose with the small man, and he backs up until he is stopped by the metal door of the unit across from Clarke's.

 

"Lexa stop. It's ok.” Clarke gets up off the bed.

 

“She has to be out by the morning. I have told her time and time again that she can't sleep here! I don't know why the junkie bitch can't get it through her tiny…” He jumps when Lexa's fist connects with the door behind him, right by his temple.

 

“I just woke up, so my aim is a little off. But I would still choose your next words very carefully.” She whispers in his ear.

 

The man nods his head. “You can't sleep here. It's in the lease she signed. Which means she broke it, and needs to be out by the morning.”

 

It's Lexa's turn to nod. “I see. And where is her eviction notice?”

 

The guy looks nervous before answering. “This is her notice.”

 

Lexa nods again before pulling her phone out of her pocket. “Mhmmm. Ok, I thought you needed a written and notarized notice, served by a third party before you can evict someone or their property. Most states even require a personal property notice to be posted for fifteen to thirty days. I can't remember though, I'll just call my mom to confirm.” She dials the phone and holds it up to her ear. “Oh don't worry. She's a lawyer, she will know.”

 

"Ok! She doesn't have to be out by the morning, but she can't sleep here!”

 

“Perfect.” Lexa says, before she leans in real close to the guys ear again. “If she wasn't standing right behind me, that punch would have hit you, and you would eating your food through a straw for months.” She grabs him by the back of his hair and shoves his face into the dent her fist made in the door. “I want you to think about that, the next time you go to insult her. Understand?” He nods frantically. She then grabs him by the front of his shirt and throws him towards the exit. “Great! Thank you, have a pleasant afternoon, Sir!”

 

The guys lands hard on the cement and hurries to get up and turn the corner. He doesn't even look back. Lexa turns around after he was gone, and Clarke is standing there, with her arms crossed. “I am not a junkie, you should have punched him.”

 

Lexa raises an eyebrow. “Want me to bring him back, and you can do it? I'll hold him for you, but he was already about three seconds away from passing out or pissin his pants.”

 

Clarke unfolds her arms and smiles. “No that’s ok. You got him pretty good, and technically he's right. I am breaking the terms of my lease.”

 

Lexa shrugs her comment away. “Minor details.”

 

“Thank you for sticking up for me, Lexa.”

 

The brunette also shrugs this comment away. “I will always stick up for you, Love.”

 

“I know.” Clarke says, before looking away from caring and truthful green eyes.

 

“We should go eat.” Lexa suggests, while checking her watch. “I'm starving. May I take you to lunch?” She playfully asks.

 

Clarke is still looking down, and puts her fingers to her mouth to try and hide her smile. “You may.” She says, when she looks back up.

 

“Thank you.” Lexa says, with a big smile across her face. “Do you want to take…oh shit, Clarke. I'm sorry, I broke your lock.” Lexa bends down and picks up the damaged metal.

 

“That's ok.” Clarke moves into the unit and grabs Lexa's book, the folded picture of Lexa, and a few more random ones off the wall. She moves to the table, picks out certain sketch books, and puts them in her bag. Then she packs up the case Lexa had bought her. “This is all I need.” She says, once she is done, and walks out the door.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Clarke looks in the unit for only a second. “More than sure.” She says, before turning around to leave.

 

While closing the storage unit door, Lexa tries not to read too much into Clarke's decision, but her heart definitely skips a beat.

 

“There is a little diner up the street.” Clarke says, after Lexa takes the case to carry for her. “They serve the south sides strongest coffee. Just don't order anything that isn't fried.” She warns.

 

Lexa laughs. “Only fried food. Got it. But honestly, I would eat a Brillo pad, if I could wash it down with some strong coffee.”

 

Clarke laughs, and Lexa almost trips in reaction to the sound. "Be careful what you wish for, Lexa. I have found many green fuzz balls in the food.”

 

 

 

They are able to get a booth without waiting, once they arrive. Lexa immediately orders a coffee and water, but Clarke shakes her head. “Just the coffee.” Lexa corrects, and Clarke orders the same. “What's wrong with the water?” She whispers to the blonde.

 

“It's more so that the cup probably isn't as clean as it should be. And with the coffee being hot, that will usually kill any lingering germs.”

 

The waitress brings over their cups, and Clarke looks up at the woman thanking her. Lexa says thank you, but can't look away from Clarke. “Are you ready to order?” The woman asks, while getting out her order pad and pen.

 

Clarke knows that Lexa won't order until she does. “Can I get a side of fries?”

 

“Sure thing, Honey. Can I get you anything else?” Clarke shakes her head no, before handing over the menu.

 

“No ranch?” Lexa asks Clarke, who shakes her head vigorously. Lexa smiles, before handing over her own menu. “I'll have the same, please.” The waitress smiles and leaves to put their order in. “I didn't think you ate fries without ranch.”

 

“I’m not sure you can call what they serve here ranch.” She scrunches up her nose, causing Lexa to laugh wholeheartedly. “The texture looks like tarter sauce, but it's the color of thousand island. Smells like feet. I'd rather not talk about.”

 

Lexa laughs again. “Ok, I think that warrants a subject change.” She smiles, while thinking of a question, or topic. Her phone rings before she has a chance to say something.

 

“Is it Octavia?” Clarke brings her fingers up to her mouth, while Lexa pulls the phone out of her pocket. It was Octavia, so she nods. “Is she mad at me?”

 

“No. No not at all, Love. She just wants to see you, and make sure that you are ok. I can call her back, or text her after we eat.”

 

As if on cue, the waitress brings out their food. Lexa was so enamored with the sight of Clarke, that she forgot about her coffee and tries to chug it all so she could get a refill before the woman left again. “This was a terrible idea, it's really hot!” She says looking back and forth between Clarke and the waitress. She clutches her throat, but continues on until the cup is empty, gaining her well deserved fill up.

 

"Thank you." Clarke says for Lexa, knowing from her expression she wouldn't be able to get it out herself. “How did that feel?” She teases.

 

“I don't want to sound dramatic, but it _literally_ felt like I swallowed a thousand suns.”

 

A huge smile spreads across Clarke's face, and she reaches out to grab Lexa's hand. “You poor thing.” The flirty tone catches them both off guard. Clarke pulls her hand back, and sets her chin on it, while continuing to stare at Lexa. “You're so unbelievably good, did you know that? This world truly does not deserve you.”

 

“My world does.” Lexa stares right back into Clarke's eyes, hoping she will get what she means.

 

Clarke's eyes start to water, and she has to look away. Luckily for her, Lexa's phone rings again. “You can answer it. We can meet her wherever.” Clarke tells her, while wiping her eyes.

 

Lexa nods, before picking up her phone. “Hey, O. I'm with her now, we're getting some lunch.” It's then that Lexa remembers her fries and pick one up to eat. “The hotel?” She looks at Clarke to see if it's ok, and she nods. “Sounds good. See you in about an hour.” She hangs up her phone, and points to Clarke's fries. “You should eat, Love. Unless you would rather order room service at the hotel.” Lexa says, as she pulls a hair out, that was hidden in her fries. The laugh Clarke emits is so loud everyone looks at them. Lexa raises her hand to get the waitress’ attention. “Uh, check please.”

 

 

 

They end up taking a cab to head back to the hotel, and when Clarke scoots close to Lexa, she doesn't think before she drapes an arm around the other girl’s shoulder. She freezes, until she feels Clarke lace her fingers with her own. It amazes them both, how much their bodies respond to the other’s. Like the last three years never happened. Their bodies don't over think things, like their minds do.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke says, while looking out the window. “I want you to keep reading to me.” She lays her head on Lexa's shoulder.

 

Lexa kisses the top of Clarke's head. “Do you want me to see if Octavia wouldn't mind us just meeting her for dinner later?” Clarke nods her head. “Ok, no problem.” Lexa pulls out her phone, and sends a one handed text to Octavia, letting her know. “Can you take us to Burnham Park?” Lexa asks the driver, before adjusting her hold back on Clarke.

 

They remain quiet for the rest of the ride, just enjoying being close. Clarke plays with Lexa's fingers, and they both just look out the window, watching the world continue on around them. It was something they both always loved, to be able to be with each other, but not needing to fill the silence with anything.

 

When they pull up to the park, Lexa pays the cabbie before getting out. She quickly walks to the other side of the cab to open the door for Clarke. “Thank you.” Clarke says, before reaching for Lexa's hand again.

 

They walk around until they find a bench positioned perfectly to look at Lake Michigan, while Lexa reads. But before she starts, Lexa spots a coffee cart a couple hundred feet from them. She turns and gives a pleading smile. Clarke laughs. “Go on.”

 

Lexa sprints to the cart and gets four coffees. She stacks them, and tries to keep them balanced by placing her chin on the top cup. “Did you want me to go get you some too?” She jokes, as Clarke reaches to help her.

 

“You better not drink all of these. Did you ever look into that coffee IV?” The blonde teases.

 

Lexa playfully rolls her eyes. “Very funny. And I actually did. It's not possible.”

 

“Looks like you will just be stuck with your six cups a day then.”

 

"I'm actually down to two cups. But with triple espresso shots in the first.” She makes a guilty face.  

 

“Just more proof, that you have the strongest heart of anyone I know.” Clarke says before reaching for the book. She hands it to Lexa, before cuddling close to her. “We were just saying good night.”

 

“I remember.” Lexa smiles, opens the book, and flips the page to where she had left off.

 

“Chapter three…”

 

 

 

_Chapter 3- Rules are always meant to be broken_

_“I want you and all your tattered pages. I want all your words, especially the breathless ones. I want the lips they came from too. I want. I want. I want you.”_

  1. _E. Barnes_



_I watched as Clarke got into the back of Lincoln's car, and was just waiting for him to leave before I was going to head inside. But he wasn't leaving. My heart sped up as I watched them just sit there. Then the back door to his car opened and Clarke came running over to me. She hands me a little piece of paper. “This is my number. I share the phone with Octavia, but I'll have it tonight. In case you need anything... because of the whole, getting kicked in the face because of me incident.”_

_I felt my lip crack open again when I smiled at her, before pulling my phone out of my pocket. “I just texted you, so you have my number too. In case you need anything…ever. Uh, Octavia too…or Aden. He actually has my number already, so…”_

_She sends me a fake pout. “And here I was, thinking I was special.” Pretty sure I had gone and choked on some air again. Thankfully though, it hadn't been as bad as before. “I'm kidding Lexa.” Clarke laughs as she reaches out to take off my tie, and unbuttons the top button of my shirt. “Maybe you shouldn't wear these anymore.” I definitely stopped breathing, and probably turned purple, but was still able to nod. When she leaned back to look up at me, once she was finished, I was able to suck in a shaky breath. Good thing, because my vision had for sure started to get dimmer from the lack of oxygen._

_Clarke looks at my tie before handing it to me. Fuck, you have no idea how much I didn't want her to leave. What could I say to make her stay? I was trying to think of something, anything! But I couldn't. So…I stared, and Clarke had definitely picked up on it. Judging from her small laugh, anyway._

_“Well you have my number.” She starts walking backwards and I follow her to the car. I open the door for her, even though I really wanted her to stay. “So just let me know if you need anything. And if not, I'll see you around?”_

_“I will. And yes, I'll be around. Good night Clarke…again.” Fuck, so painful._

_She smiles. “Good night again, Lexa.” I shut the door, and wave to Octavia before flipping off a smirking Lincoln, as they pulled out to leave._

_I lived in the barn at my parent’s house, which isn't as lame as it sounds. We completely remodeled it into an awesome loft. It's basically a guest house, which I was not looking forward to Aden and Clarke finding out about. The fact will not help defend my case about not being rich._

_The lower level has a small kitchen and bathroom, all in the big open space. It also has the entertainment area, which has my favorite thing about the whole place. My dad built me my very own floor to ceiling bookcase, in one of the walls and it was full of books. A lot of them had been of my own collection, but that tripled when I inherited my Grandpops entire personal library of books._

_My room was the whole smaller upper level, which was basically a fifteen by eighteen-foot platform. It had two half walls blocking the bed, just for privacy if people were over. It also held a way smaller version of the wall bookcase, and an amazing view of Lake St. Clair. My bed was set up so I could look out at the lake and read. Which was what I ended up doing, once I had gone inside. Or at least had planned on doing._

_It took me all of about ten seconds before I threw my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower back down on my bed. There was no way I was going to be able to focus on anything but Clarke. So, I pulled my phone out and stared at it, while I debated on if I should text her or not. What could I say?_

_Frustrated, I threw my phone next to the book and pulled my pillow over my head and screamed into it. I was so confused! The more time I spent with Clarke, the more I was falling for her. The more time I spent with her, the more I felt like she could possibly have feelings for me too. I had to remind myself that she only wanted a friend, so that's what I had to focus on being. So, I picked my phone back up and went to the messages. But before I could type anything out my phone vibrated._

**_Clarke:_ ** _So, Lincoln just told me you live in the guest house at your parents Lake front property… But noooo you're not rich ;)_

_I was going to kill him. Stupid Lincoln._

**_Lexa:_ ** _It's actually a barn…that we converted into a loft. And yes, we live on the lake  -_- but I swear I'm not rich!_

_It only takes a minute for her to reply, but I swear it felt like an hour!_

**_Clarke:_ ** _A loft hmm? I love lofts. Must be a beautiful sight._

_I took a quick picture from where I was laying, so she could see my view. It was dark outside but you could still see the lights of our dock that branched out into the middle of the dark water. Then I sent her the picture._

**_Lexa:_ ** _It is beautiful. Peaceful. You should come hang out sometime and see it in person. The photo really does not do it justice._

_A reply didn't come as quickly as I had hoped. It came about fifteen minutes later, when I was juggling three plates of food that I stole from my parent’s kitchen. I practically threw the plates on my table, in a rush to get my phone out._

**_Clarke:_ ** _Can I call you? It's about Aden._

_I didn't hesitate, and called her right away._

_"Hello?”_

_“Clarke? Is everything ok?”_

_“Not really. Aden was jumped, and he won't let me call an ambulance, and the buses don't start running for another couple of hours.” I could hear Aden telling Clarke he was fine and to stop worrying. That he had his weed and wanted to sleep it off._

_“How bad is it?” I've been hit more times than I can count, and know that most of the time, it looks far worse than it actually is._

_She lowers her voice into the phone, so Aden couldn't hear her. “There is a lot of blood. His right eye is swollen shut. I think his nose is broken and he is favoring his wrist.”_

_"I'll come get him and take him. I'm leaving right now.”_

_“Ok, thank you. We're at my house.”_

_“Roger that, Clarke.” Ugh. I hate myself. I had started walking to my car, before my stupid response stopped me dead in my tracks. I gave myself a face palm and groaned._

_She just laughed. I was so incredibly addicted to the sound, that I didn't even care how much of an ass I sounded like. “Over and out, Lexa.”_

_The I-94 freeway has a speed limit of seventy miles per hour. The bars close at two am, and the cops will usually stick to the city roads to catch the drunks. Knowing this, and that the freeway would be empty this late, I pushed my little Nissan well past ninety miles per hour. The trip usually takes me a half hour, but I made it there in less than twenty minutes._

_When I had pulled up, Clarke and Aden were outside on her steps smoking a joint. She passes it to me, before standing up. “He says he doesn't want to go.”_

_The kid definitely looked like he took a good ass kicking. “Tell her she just trippin, Lex. You fight, so you…wait what the fuck happened to you?” He gets a look at my busted lip._

_“Don't worry about it, we're talking about you right now.”_

_One of his eyes was swollen shut, so he had to turn his head to try and get a better look at me. “Is that the fuckin herp Lex! I smoke with your rich ass all the time. How you gonna do me like that?”_

_Clarke looks at me, using her hand to cover up her smile. I shake my head at her. “Seriously, stand up. Let me see.”_

_He slowly gets up and stands in front of me. I noticed that he was favoring his left arm, but was wearing a hoodie so I couldn't see it. I used two of my fingers to push around his nose to check to see if it was broken. I was quite familiar with them, having broken mine a few times over the years. He winced, but took it well. “It's not broken, and your eye will go down if you ice it. I think you should be fine. Just wanna check one more thing.” I hold my right hand out for him to shake, which he does. Then I hold my left hand out for him to do the same. He just looks at me for a few seconds, and awkwardly tries to use his right hand again._

_“Aden, use your left.” Clarke tells him._

_He sighs, goes to lift his left arm, and just lightly placed it in my hand. “See. She just trippin.” He says through gritted teeth._

_“Squeeze my hand, Aden.” He doesn't, but pleaded at me with his good eye. I pulled his sleeve up and could see that his wrist was twice the size it should've been._

_Clarke looks at it and winces. “Oh Aden…”_

_He pulled his arm back from my grip. “I said I'm fine Clarke. Just let me crash on the couch. Come on please?”_

_She looked over to me, to see what I thought. I nodded. “Ok fine. Just take Octavia's bed, she won't be back tonight.”_

_“I have some wraps in the gym I can go grab. I can wrap it up for now. But if it looks the same or worse later on, I'm taking you to the hospital, no questions.” Aden thinks about it, and then agrees. “Alright, then I'll be right back.”_

_"I’ll go with you.” Clarke says, before falling in step with me down her driveway. “We will be back, Aden. You can go lay down if you want.”_

_“Thanks Clarke.” He calls out._

_And then we were alone again, Clarke and I. My gym was right down the street, but I noticed that we were both walking unusually slow. “Do you think it's broken?” She asks me, concerned._

_“I'm not really sure. It's so swollen right now that he might not be feeling the full pain of it. If it is though, he will want to go when he wakes up.”_

_“Ok. And thank you, Lexa. For coming all the way out here. It's never been this bad before, so I was really worried.” She tells me when we get to the gym. I added a man door, which I unlocked. The garage door is a cool feature for when the gym is actually open, but it was also a hassle to get in and out of all the time._

_I opened the door for her to walk through, and she gasped when I turned the lights on. “Oh my god, Lexa!” She looks around the place amazed. “You did all of this?”_

_“With a lot of help.” I stood with my shoulders back in pride from her reaction._

_"I can't believe it. I always thought this place should have been knocked down, but wow! It looks amazing.”_

_“Thank you. We can come back and I can give you a more detailed tour after we wrap up his wrist. If you want?”  I grabbed one of my first aid kits I had placed on the wall._

_“Ok, yea. That sounds good.” She smiles at me, and I can feel a goofy one starting to spread on my own face._

_After I locked the gym back up we started walking back to her house. “So you had said it was worse this time. Does he get jumped a lot?”_

_She gets a sad look, before an angry one. “He would be really pissed if he found out I told you, but he didn't get jumped.” She had to take a breath to calm herself. “His stepdad did this.”_

_I stopped walking, causing her to stop as well. “What?” I turned to look towards his house, and couldn't help the clenching of my fists. Fire was building up in my veins, before it was immediately snuffed out._

_She grabs me by the middle of my shirt so I will look back at her and it felt a bit eerie how calm looking in her eyes had made me. “He really looks up to you, and didn't want me to tell you. But yes. His stepdad gets drunk, and beats on him sometimes. He usually tries to avoid him, and will come hang out at my house, but it doesn't always work.” I knew that Clarke and Aden were close. He said that she had babysat him ever since he could remember. But I could really tell how much she cared, as I looked into her eyes while she told me what happened. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, and without thinking I reached out and took her up into my arms._

_"He's a tough little shit.” She lets out a small laugh against my shoulder. “But we will figure it out. I'll do whatever I can, to help.”_

_"Just don't go an get kicked in the face again, ok?” She squeezed me tighter while she asked that, and it was my turn to laugh._

_Regretfully, we pull apart and continue walking to her house. When we go to walk in her door, she turns back to me. “The house is kind of a mess, I haven't had a chance to clean it because I went out tonight.”_

_“Clarke. You don't have to explain yourself to me. And I'll never judge you for anything, ok?” I hoped I sounded as sincere as I actually felt._

_She just eyed me, while trying to figure me out, before nodding. “Are all the other rich people like you?” I had to groan and let my head fall back, causing her to laugh. “I'm just kidding. Something tells me there is no one else in the world like you, Lexa.” I lift my head up just in time to catch her looking me up and down, before she turned around to walk in her door. Yep. I was fucked. I was falling dangerously fast for her. Falling face first, and I really didn't give two fucks about catching myself._

_I followed her inside, and tried not to look around too much. There were beer cans and vodka bottles thrown around the kitchen and living room. As well as plates of food that no one had touched, but left out. But it really didn't matter. I meant what I said, and didn't judge, was just curiously observing. She had told me that her mom was an alcoholic, so I assumed that it was because of that. Even if it wasn't, I truly didn't care._

_“He’s back here in mine and Octavia's room.” Clarke grabbed my hand and led me through the small hallway to her bedroom._

_The very first thing I noticed, was the walls of the bedroom were covered in drawings. I wanted to take the time to examine them, but I knew Aden really needed his wrist wrapped, so I put all my focus on him. There were two twin beds, and he was laying in the one closest to the door. I watched as Clarke bent down, and pushed some of his hair away from his face. “Aden? I need you to wake up real quick, so Lexa can wrap your wrist ok?” She spoke so soft and sweet to him, it melted my heart._

_“No.” Aden whines to her. “I was havin a dream where I was as rich as Lexa. We were poppin bottles on a yacht, an I had all the girls Clarke. All of them.”_

_She laughs, while still playing with his hair. “You can go right back to bed afterwards, and finish your dream.”_

_He grumbles a bit, but eventually sits up. “I'm hungry.” He tells her while rubbing his good eye._

_"I'll go see if we have anything, but let Lexa fix you up ok?” He nods and she gets up. When she goes to pass by me, she leaned in close to my ear. “Yachts and all the girls? You live a very extravagant life Lexa Woods.” My mouth dropped, so she laughed before squeezing my arm._

_Once she left, I opened up the first aid kit and sat next to Aden on the bed. I wrapped his wrist up tightly, and grabbed something to clean the small cuts on his face with._

_“If it's broken, does that mean you won't train me?” He asked me with his head down._

_“No it won't mean that at all. Are you a southpaw?” He shrugs not knowing what I meant. “Lefty.” I clarified for him. He shakes his head no. “Then, we don't have anything to worry about. I know a bunch of things we can work on, one handed.”_

_"Cool.” He looks like he wants to say something else, so I took a chance._

_“You get jumped a lot around here?”_

_He shrugs again. “Just this one asshole’s got it out for me. He's a lot bigger, an I been able to get a couple licks in here and there, but I dunno. Maybe with your help I can get a few more. Let him know I ain't a little bitch no more and he can't be doin that.”_

_“He will know.” And he would. I had already started thinking of something I could do to teach the fucker, at that point._

_"Thanks Lex. Sorry you had to come out here an shit. I know you had your party tonight.”_

_“Hey, I'm only gonna tell you this once ok? Any fucking time you need anything, just let me know. I don't care what day or time it is, call or text me.” I made sure I had his attention so he would know I was serious._

_He gets a mischievous grin on his face. “I need a completely rebuilt, lowered Nissan 240 with a turbo…”_

_The kid was a comedian. I would never give up my car! I laughed and pushed him. “You know what I mean you little shit.”_

_He smiles at me. “Yea, I got you. We don't usually ask or get help around here.” He nods towards the bedroom door meaning Clarke. “So be patient with us.” I nodded my understanding just as Clarke walked back into the room._

_She had a plate of plain noodles and a drink for him. “We don't have butter or parm, but I remembered to pick up the blue Kool-Aid you like.” She hands him the plate and sets the cup down on the night stand beside him. “And I have been saving this…” She goes to the top drawer of her night stand, and pulls out a Snickers. “But I think I could let it go.” She walks over and puts it beside the cup._

_“You know you gonna be my favorite, outta all my future wives.”_

_“Oh, is that so?” She laughs, and he nods before shoving a huge bite of the noodles in his mouth. “Well aren't you sweet.” He shrugs and nods again, unable to speak with such a big mouthful. “I wanted to go check out all the work you guys did at the gym. I'll be back in a little bit. You know where the weed is, just try and get some sleep ok.”_

_“Ok. Make sure she shows you the private training room. I put up all the drywall in there an I told her she should hire you to draw some shit on the walls.” No he didn't. But it was an excellent idea, and I wanted to hug him!_

_“Can't wait to see it. I know how hard you worked. Get some rest. I'll be back in a bit.” He shoved another huge mouthful of food, and waved her on._

_“Alright kid, I'm probably going to sleep at the gym so I'll stop by to check up on you.” He waved me on too. “Ok, good night.”_

_"Night.” He choked out through all the food stuffed in his mouth._

_Clarke grabbed my hand, and lead me quickly back through the hallway and out the front door. She dropped it once we had gotten outside, and I really hoped my mental pout didn't show physically. We walked in silence, but it wasn't awkward. It felt comfortable._

_When we passed Aden’s house I looked it over to see if there were any signs of his stepdad being awake, but all the lights were out. Clarke noticed, but didn't say anything._

_She had looked just as surprised the second time I let her in the gym, and it made me really fucking happy. “So this is the main area. We have the big ring, and then the open space for Lincoln. He’s going to teach kickboxing and self defense. It's going to be my money maker. All of his classes sold out when he used to teach at his old gym, and almost all his old clients want to come here.”_

_Clarke laughs. “I know. Octavia told me that we will be taking all of his classes so we can keep an eye on all the rich bitches.”_

_“Well she shouldn't worry, Lincoln is nothing if not loyal.” I told her, after a small laugh._

_"Hmmm? Family trait?" She raises an eyebrow before running her hand on one of the ropes of the ring. It was asked as a question, but her look told me she already knew the answer._

_“What do you think?”_

_She had been just as surprised at my answer as I had been. Don't know where it came from, but I didn't regret it. My eyes shot to her lips as I watched her try to bite back a smile. “I think, that you should finish the tour.”_

_“Right this way.” I knew I had a grin on my face and I just hoped it wasn't the goofy one. I showed her the locker rooms first before the private training room as they weren't much to see._

_"Aden did the drywall?” She looked around in amazement once we got into the private training._

_“Yea, he was a huge help. Did some real good work, once we showed him how. I told him he could work at the gym too, after school, since that is starting soon.”_

_"And he said you were going to train him?" There was a smaller ring in that room too. I could feel my throat start to get dry as she climbed the steps, and threw her leg over the second rope. A shiver ran down my spine when she bent down, to get under and through the top one. Could have had something to do with they way she locked her eyes on me before she did it. Maybe. Could have also been the little peek of cleavage that was shown, as she dipped low. Fuck. All of the above._

_She continued to stare at me for several seconds before I remembered she had asked me a question. “Uh…yep. Yes, I mean. Yes, I am going train him.”_

_“Will you be teaching other classes?” Clarke looked down at me, with her arms on the top rope and I decided I needed to join her in the ring._

_“I'll be teaching some free youth classes, and private lessons.” It was getting harder and harder to swallow, as she walked around the ring. It was so hard not to watch her hand as she let it glide along the black rope._

_After a lap around the ring, she joins me in the middle. "Would you train me, if I asked?”_

_“Yes.” It came out way to fast, but whatever. It was true._

_“You said you got into boxing because you were angry and it helped?” I nod. “So it's like your therapy?”_

_"Yes. It's my therapy, stress reliever, hobby and now sort of career.”_

_“Just from punching.”_

_"Not just punching, there is more to it. But, it is actually very therapeutic to repeatedly hit an inanimate object. Here, show me how you punch. Throw me your left and right.” I held up the palms of my hands for her to hit, but she shook her head._

_“I'm not going to punch your hands, what if I hurt you?”_

_“I can take it, come on.” She shakes her head again and then crossed her arms. I let out a sigh. “Ok fine.” I remembered putting some punch mitts on one of the chairs, so I climbed out of the ring to grab them. Clarke rolls her eyes as she watched me put on the pads, once I was back standing in front of her. “There, now you won't hurt me.” I held my hands back out, and give her an encouraging nod._

_Clarke sighs, giving in. Making both hands into fists, she holds the up for me to see. “Like this?”_

_“Don't tuck your thumbs in.” I threw the pads down, and reached for her hands. Moving her thumb into the right spot, I then turned her wrist so it laid flat. When my fingers ran along the inside of her wrist, I could feel multiple raised scars there. Instantly, I wanted to touch them all, and hear about every single one of them.  When I looked into her eyes, I knew she knew that I felt them, so I tried to just continue on with the lesson. “And then you just want to…”_

_“You don't want to know?” Her voice sounded strong, but her eyes showed weariness._

_I swallowed hard, debating the truthful comment on my tongue. “I want to know everything there is to know about you, Clarke.” I dropped the hold I had on her wrist, in case I had stepped over a certain line with what I said._

_“No, you really don't.” She says while shaking her head._

_“Try me.”_

_“I'm serious, Lexa.” She took a step closer to me, but she didn't break eye contact. Her fists were balled at her sides._

_"So am I.” Then I broke our stare as my eyes drifted to her lips. I had never wanted to kiss anyone more in my life, than I wanted to kiss Clarke in that moment. I tried to remember she has rules, and I needed to respect that. But she also looked like she wanted to kiss me, from the way her own eyes went to my mouth._

_“God damnit Lexa.” Clarke said, gaining my attention, while also taking another step closer. “We couldn't even make it a full day as friends.”_

_“I know.” My heart was pounding loud in both my ears, but somehow I was still able to hear the light moan Clarke released when I gripped the back of her neck and brought her lips to my own. She wasn't expecting it and neither was I, to be honest._

_Nothing will ever again compare to the taste of Clarke's kiss. Her tongue was soft, and skilled as it rubbed against mine. Small breathy whines escaped her every time our lips broke apart for a split second when we needed oxygen, and it drove me absolutely wild! It felt like my entire body was set on fire and I'm not sure when it happened, but I had Clarke backed up into one of the corners of the ring. When her nails dug into my hair and scalp, I knew I had to pull away. If I didn't, I don't know if I would have been able to stop._

_Somehow, I was able to find the strength and break away from the intoxicating kiss. “I'm so sorry, Clarke.”_

_Her eyes open slowly and she looked up at me with blown pupils. She brings two fingers up to her kiss swollen lips, and it takes every ounce of strength not to move back in and take them once more. “It's… it's fine.”_

_“I didn't mean to, I don't know what came over me.” I tried to back up a few more steps, but Clarke grabbed me by my shirt._

_“Wait.” Her grip is strong, keeping me in place. “Lexa…” She was having a hard time getting the words out, so I brought my hand up to cup her cheek. The contact made her eyes close, and she was able to take in a deep breath before opening them. “We really shouldn't be doing this. It's going to end badly. You're going to get hurt.”_

_I bring my other hand up and place it on the back of her neck. “I can handle it, whatever it is. Tell me why we can't.”_

_Tears build and fall from her eyes and she looks down. Not wanting me to see. “I'm crazy, and broken. My heads not right, and I'll hurt you because of it.”_

_My heart broke hearing her say those words. I didn't believe a single one of them. “I'm tough, Clarke.” I use my finger to pull her chin up so she would look at me. “I really fucking like you. Every new piece of you I find out about, makes me like you even more. And I don't care what you think will happen. You don't know that you will for sure hurt me.” She nods her head, as more tears fall. I wipe them away with my thumbs. “Then fine. I'm a writer, remember? If we do this, and it ends bad… I'll just write a novel and make a ton of money!” It was meant as a joke, and I was so glad to see it had the desired effect when she laughed._

_I was honestly going to accept whatever she decided to do. I was going to say what I needed to say once, and not pressure her, but I could sense that she wanted this too. Surprisingly, she leaned up and kissed me softly. “You're so stupid.” Another more passionate kiss. “I'm going to go home. I need to think, without your stupid lips and face distracting me.” She kisses me one last time, before pulling away and goes to get out of the ring._

_Fuck I didn't want her to leave! “Let me take you to breakfast?”_

_She turned around, debating my offer. “You said you were sleeping here.” I nodded. “Then maybe. Text me when you get up.”_

_“Let me walk you back.”_

_She shakes her head. “I was serious about your stupid lips and face, Lexa.”_

_I couldn't help but laugh. “Ok. I'm sorry. I'll text you, when I get up.” Ha! Like I was really going to able sleep after everything that had happened._

_She gave me a nervous but sweet smile, before closing the door to the training room. Once it was closed, I let my whole body fall back and onto the canvas of the ring with a loud thud. I was punch drunk, and in love._

_“Fuck.”_

 


	7. Pros and cons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. So I had planned on making this chapter longer, but with everything that happened last night, I felt that maybe I should just post what I had.
> 
> To anyone who is hurting from the results of this election, please know that you are not alone. My blog(sam-bambino)is open to anyone who wants to talk. So please, come to me if you need me. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the support on this story and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Much much much love friends
> 
> Sam

_  
Chapter 4 -Truths_

__  
“I once had a thousand desires, but in my one desire to know you, all else melted away.”  
-Rumi

_  
After Clarke had left, I was feeling way too high to do anything but just lay there. I was replaying the kiss over and over again, making sure every detail made it into my long term memory. The taste of her breath as I greedily took it for my own lungs. Oh, fuck me...her lips, and how it felt to run the tip of my tongue across them. And my favorite part… her cotton candy hair and how sweet it actually smelled._

_It took only one more run through of the kiss before I had to get up and go take a cold shower. While in the shower, I decided to work out, instead of trying to sleep. It wasn't going to happen, anyway. I already had my sports bra and shorts there, so I could change into them after my shower. Once I was dressed, I had put on my extra long workout playlist over the gym sound system and hit the weights first._

_After about a half hour, I was in the middle of my last set of barbell squats, when I heard a knock on the main door. Of course, I had hoped it was Clarke, so I broke my own rule and threw the weights down on the mat. I grabbed my towel and water before going to answer it._

_Even though my mother was very religious, I never really believed in god. That is, until I opened the door and saw Clarke standing there. Then I knew there had to be a higher being out there somewhere and for some reason, they were favoring me._

_Her almost shoulder length hair was wet, like she had just showered, and she was wearing a white tank top and short frayed jean shorts. When I opened the door her eyes grew wide as she looked me up and down. She pointed her finger to my abs, and slowly brought her eyes up to mine. “You… I...wow.” She bites her thumb, giving me a guilty look before holding up one finger and letting her eyes roam all over my body again. I can feel a couple beads of sweat drop down my neck and chest, that Clarke notices as well. Her eyes follow it's slow trek before disappearing into the fabric of my bra. Then she holds out her hand, and places her hand on my stomach. “Oh. Yep. That is actually exactly how I imagined them to look and feel.” She says, before giving my abs a little pat. “Nice work.”_

_“Thank you. Would you like to come in Clarke?” I asked, amused._

_She looks back to my stomach, before meeting my eyes again. “I couldn't sleep, and I know I said I needed to go home, but somehow, here I am.”_

_I notice she had a few note books in her hand, and a small case. “Well, did you want to hang out here for a bit. I won't bother you, I can continue my work out, and you can draw.” I point to her books._

_“Oh, no, I'm making lists right now.” I cock my head a little in confusion. “Pros and cons.” She doesn't elaborate, but decided to stay as she walks past me and into the gym._

_“Well, would you like to hang out and work on them?”_

_She eyes me carefully. “It might help.”_

_I gave her a soft smile. “Ok. Feel free to change the music or turn it off. The control is right there.” I point to the wall. “You can go up to my office if you want, or hang down here.” I walk back to the weights I dropped and put them away. I could feel her eyes on me as I picked up my jump rope. “Let me know if you need anything.” I tell her. She locks eyes with me and just nods._

_I was feeling confident after seeing her be the flustered one for change, so I didn't break eye contact with her when I started my next exercise. I was pretty good with the rope, being small and quick. So I watched her, watch me. I started with lifting both my feet slightly off the ground, as the rope sped lightening fast up and around my head and below my feet. Then after a few minuets, switched to just jumping on one foot, but alternating them after every five jumps or so, while I turned around in a slow circle._

_“Ok. Nope!” I heard Clarke yell out, which made me stop and turn to look at her. “It's not helping Lexa. I have to leave.” She goes to turn away, but I call out stopping her._

_I had to go and get cocky, causing her to leave. Stupid move, jackass! “Wait, I was just finishing up. Don't leave.” I put the rope down and grabbed my towel, wiping all the sweat off, before I reached for my black hoodie. I threw it on, zipping it up before walking over in front of Clarke._

_Her eyes were still on my now covered stomach, and she looked up at me shaking her head. “It's the middle of summer, you'll die of heat stroke.” Her hand shoots out and unzips my hoodie, then pulls each side open._

_“Clarke. Please stay?”_

_The urgency in my voice caused her to look back into my eyes. “You're not even the slightest bit out of breath.”_

_“It's meant to help me maintain stamina.”_

_She bites both her lips, nods slowly and turns around. I can hear her release a breath. “Yep. Thought so.” She turns back to me. “What else do you do, when your not sculpting that body?”_

_I smiled, but didn't go over board. I almost made her leave once because I became too cocky, I was not going to let it happen again. “I read.”_

_“Reading? That sounds safe.” She says this softly while turning around looking for something. “Do you want to read while I work on my lists? We can hang in the ring?”_

_“I think I have a book lying around somewhere.” I take the steps up to my office two at a time, and grab the book and two of the pillows off the futon I had up there. I had seen the flyer for passport pizza, and decided to grab that too. It was the only pizza place open twenty four hours, that delivered. Just as I turned back around I got a glimpse of Clarke through the glass. She runs her fingers through her hair, before smoothing out her tank top. It was the cutest fucking thing I had ever seen…and she was doing it because of me! I'm not going to tell you how giddy it made me, because I've already embarrassed myself enough! Ok fine. It made me get my goofy ass grin and a giggle may or may not have escaped._

_“What do you like on your pizza, Clarke?” I had asked her once I got back downstairs, after composing myself._

_Clarke checked her watch. “It's four in the morning.”_

_“So? Do you like banana peppers and onion?” I threw my things across the canvas of the ring, and pulled out my phone to order._

_“That's ok, get whatever you like, I'm not that hungry.”_

_“You're going to make me eat the whole thing by myself. I can't eat a whole pizza…actually I can, but it makes me very uncomfortable afterwards.” I finish ordering the pizza online, and roll into the ring instead of taking the steps. My theatrics gained a smile from Clarke. I don't bother getting up, and instead just reach for the pillow. Clarke is sitting beside me with her notebooks in front of her. “So what are these lists you're writing. Can I help you with them.”_

_She debates telling me, but sighs and gives in. “These are my pros and cons…about us…about you.”_

_I should have picked up on it earlier when she said something, but I didn't. “Oh, gotcha.” I tried to keep my voice as neutral as I could._

_“I don't really know what to do, Lexa. You just stormed into my life. I put rules in place to protect myself, others…and you fucked it all up.” She didn't sound mad, just confused._

_“I’m sorry…” I started, but she shook her head._

_“It's not your fault. If you were like anyone else I wouldn't even be doing this. It would be so easy to just walk away, or…I don't know. But you're not anyone else Lexa, you're you.” She grabs the other pillow and lays down on her side next to me, so she can still look at me. There is plenty of space between us, and I can't help the pull I feel to be closer. She must feel it too, because she scoots herself a little closer to me but still far enough away that we won't touch. “You’ve already shown me how kind you are, how funny, and sweet. You're smart and strong.” She lets out a frustrated sigh, before turning on her back and throwing her arm over her eyes. “Why couldn't you just be an asshole?”_

_I'm not sure why, but I felt like I needed to help her have an easier decision. Which would be going against my own cause of wanting to be with her. Crazy right? Yes, she was making me crazy. “I can be an asshole. I have many times.”_

_Clarke throws her arm down and starts laughing before sitting up. “Oh really? Tell me.”_

_I decided to sit up too, which really didn't fucking help, because I was forced to stare in those fucking blue eyes that always sucked me in. “Well, for starters, since high school I haven't done anything. I have been just living an unmotivated life.”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes. “Ok first of all, how is that any different from most people after high school? And secondly…” She waves her arm around the gym. “You literally bought a gym so you could help kids out and your cousin so he can train. Try again.”_

_Shit. Ok, so that wasn't the best example. “Well, alright. How about this…I was a major player. I would meet girls at the bar, take them home, and then not call them back.”_

_She just stares at me for a few seconds. I could see a little flush creep up her chest, before she rolls her eyes again. “The only sex I have ever had was either a one night stand, or with some asshole that paid for it.” I reached out for her hand feeling like I needed to, and that's when I got the first glimpse of her scars. There were countless little ones running from her wrists and up to the middle of her forearm. There was also a single deep, long, vertical one that ran the same length. When I move my eyes back up to hers, there are tears threatening to spill from the corner of her eyes. “I told you, I'm broken.” Is all she said._

_I shook my head back and forth. “I don't believe that for a second, Clarke.”_

_Anger flared in her eyes and I thought she was going to pull her hand back, but she just squeezed my hand harder. “Because you don't know me.”_

_“I want to though. I want to know everything, Clarke.” I let my other hand come up, and run it lightly over her scars. “It doesn't matter what I find out, it won't change a thing. Since the day we met, you have been this mystery, this puzzle. You have given me little pieces of yourself and I know there are so many more… some of them probably rounded, smooth and as colorful as your hair. And some are probably jagged, sharp and dark. But I know, that if I were to get every piece and put them all together… the end picture will be the most beautiful thing I’ll ever get the privilege of seeing.” The tears finally fall, and I reach out to wipe them. She won't look away from my eyes, and I don't dare look away from hers. I needed her to know I spoke true. “I like you Clarke, a lot. I'm sorry, but I do. I know it hasn't been very long, and yes there are still many things I have yet to find out. But I need you to know, I don't scare easy. I don't judge. We're all human. We all have secrets and scars. We all do terrible things sometimes. There is a quote I read before by Sam Keen, and I want you to hear it. I want you to understand. He said; We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” I reach out to wipe more of her tears that had fallen. “So whatever it is that makes you so scared to let people in, it won't matter. Not to me.”_

_Her lip quivers, before she starts crying a little harder. She let me pull her into my lap, so I could comfort her while she cried. I held on tight, while her tears fell on my shoulder. “There is no rush here, Clarke.” I told her once her sobs quieted. “I don't want you to torture yourself, that was never my intention. I'm sorry I kissed you, if I made you feel like you needed to decide right now. Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.”_

_I felt her lift her head off my shoulder, before she pulled back to look at me. “I'm not sorry we kissed. It was the best kiss I've ever had.”_

_I give her a soft smile. “It was for me too.”_

_She looks down at my lips, before looking back to my eyes. “I… I want to keep kissing you.”_

_The urge to take her lips that very second was so strong, it caused a shiver to creep over my entire body, when I pushed it away. I have to swallow to get my voice to work. “I want to keep kissing you, as well. But more than that, I want you to take care of yourself. I don't want you to feel pressured into making a decision, or stress over the pros and cons of it all. There is absolutely no harm in us getting to really know each other, before you decide anything.”_

_The blue of Clarke's eyes had quickly become my favorite color. Followed closely by the pastel pink and purple of her hair. But being so close to all of the pretty colors, along with the smell of her shampoo, I had started to get incredibly dizzy. It didn't help that her chest started rising and falling faster, as her eyes bounced back and forth between my own eyes and my lips. I was trying so hard not to look at hers, knowing all my resolve would be thrown out the window if I did. But then…_

_“Lexa.” My name had never sounded as good, as it did when whispered from her lips. The sound made my eyes close on demand, and when I opened them her own had grown darker. “I want to keep kissing you.” I am a strong fucking person, but no one in their right mind could deny giving Clarke Griffin what she wanted, if she told them in the voice she used on me._

_So I didn't curse myself to much when I reached behind her head and pulled her into a searing kiss. She moaned when our lips made hard contact, and grabbed my hoodie, before pulling us both backwards. My head was swimming before she wrapped her legs around me when I landed on top of her, afterwards I was simply drowning. Which could have been the reason I missed the knocking on the man door of the gym. Her small moans when the kiss heated even further, must have made me miss the second round of knocking. But nothing could have made me miss the third round. Because the asshole decided to knock on the aluminum garage door of the gym._

_“Hey, you guys order a pizza or what?” We both jumped at the loud noise and the voice of the pizza guy. Clarke busts out laughing when I look back from her too the door multiple times. She could probably sense my indecision about answering the door. Another loud knock rings out. “This shit comes out of my paycheck if you don't buy it!” The kid yelled and I groaned. Who is the genius who thought it was a great idea to fucking order a pizza?_

_Knowing the moment had been ruined Clarke let her legs drop from around me, so I could get up. Which I regretfully did. I threw my hood up, and grabbed the money out of my gym bag. When I opened the door, the young pizza guy’s jaw dropped when he looked at me. I was still in my shorts and bra, and the zipper of the hoodie was still unzipped. “Holy fuck… the pizza is on me.” He handed me the box, and I gave him the money, not really even knowing how much I gave him. “Whoa, this is double the price.”_

_“For the wait.” I told him before shutting the door. I had to take a deep breath before I faced Clarke again. When I turned around, she was still laying on her back, and her hands were over her face. I walked slowly back to the ring, trying to think of what to say._

_She beats me to it when she drops her hands, and turns her head in my direction. “I like the way you look at me.” I make it to the ring and put the pizza down on it. I don't climb up there, but I put my arms up on the rope and give her my complete attention. “You don't look at me like everyone else does. You look at me like…like I'm something more than what I really am. And I wonder if it's because you don't know me. So, I want to see if that changes once you do. Then we can just move on and be two people that have some of the same people in their lives.”_

_“Ok, that sounds fair.” I wasn't worried. There was nothing she could say that would make me look at her any differently.”_

_She grabbed one of the pillow and got up to sit a few feet in front of me. “Ok. So, ask me anything you want to know about me, and I'll tell you.”_

_“Anything?” I raised a playful eyebrow._

_“Anything.” She confirms._

_I give her a big smile before I ask. “Alright. What is your favorite color?”_

_“Lexa, seriously?”_

_“I am very serious, Clarke.”_

_If looks could kill, I would be dead. “Fine, it's green. Next question, maybe make it a little more personal.”_

_“What's your favorite food?” I held my hands up in surrender as she crawled the few feet to slap me in the arm. “That is a personal question to me!”_

_She scoots back to her spot, before letting out a little growl. “I hate you so much right now.”_

_I look down to the pizza and let the smile spread across my face. “It's pizza, isn't it.” I open up the box and watch her look down at it. I grabbed a slice, and slid the box over to her._

_“Yes, it is fucking pizza.” She leaned in and grabbed her own slice. “Now are you going to get serious?”_

_“I am being serious. I said I wanted to know everything.” I turn around to grab my water bottle and offer it to Clarke first. “I want to know your favorite song, and if that saved Snickers meant they are your favorite. Do you dip your fries in ketchup or ranch? Do you like movies? What's your favorite book?”_

_She let out a little sigh, before finishing her slice of pizza while thinking. “My current favorite song is probably Royals. Snickers are my favorite, but I have a weakness for Sweetest Fish and Sour Patch kids…ok all candy really. I dip my fries in ranch and I do like movies but can't always sit through them until the end unless they are really fucking good.” She pauses, and takes a breath. “And…I don't have a favorite book because I haven't read anything since I dropped out of school.” My mouth drops open, and she brings the pillow up to cover her face. “Is this the deal breaker?”_

_“What? No, not at all. But can I ask why?”_

_The pillow drops and her eyes meet mine before she shrugs. “It's hard to concentrate on reading. I always just get distracted and end up having to read the same thing over and over.”_

_I pull back on the rope a little bit. “Have you tried audible?” She shakes her head, and I can tell she doesn't really know what I mean. “It's like a book on tape, but it's an app. They read it to you.”_

_She laughs. “No I haven't tried it. But I think I would really have to like the voice, to keep focus.” I pulled out my phone, and the app. I started playing A Feast for Crows. The narrator had a voice you really had to get used to, and I was hoping she would find it as entertaining as I did. I wasn't disappointed when she threw her head back and laughed._

_Oh that beautiful, wonderful, heavenly sound that was Clarke's laugh. “The book is almost fifty hours of this.”_

_Her mouth drops. “I think I would just laugh the whole time and not hear anything he said.”_

_I shut off the app and throw my phone back in my hoodie pocket. “Yea it takes a little getting used to. But there are other narrators who sound better.”_

_“Do any of them sound like you?” It caught me off guard. “I could probably listen to you for fifty hours. I like the way you talk.”_

_“You do?” She nods shyly. “I could read to you for fifty hours and longer.”_

_She crawls back to the middle of the ring and grabs my book, before throwing it to me. “Let's see. What are we reading?”_

_It took more effort than I would have thought to look away from her, and down to the book. But when I saw what it was, I laughed before holding it up to her. “Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.” She holds a hand up to her mouth to hide her smile. “I brought it for Aden. He said the girl he likes is obsessed with Harry Potter, so I brought it for him. But he wanted the DVD instead.”_

_She laughs as I walk up the steps to the ring. “Of course.”_

_I sit down next to her. “Have you read it before?” She shakes her head. “Have you seen the movies?” Another head shake. I did a much better job at hiding my shock this time around. “Well, it's actually a pretty good story.”_

_“Then let's read it.” Would her smile always affect me so much. I hoped so._

_“Alright, you're in for a treat, Clarke.” I flip open the first page. “Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four pivot drive, were proud to say they were normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you would think to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense…”_

_Clarke was hanging on every word as we read chapter after chapter of the book. It was some of the most fun I had ever had. And when my phone rang just after we started chapter four her eyes begged me not to answer it. It was Aden though, so she immediately gave in._

_“What's up? How you feeling?” I asked him over the phone. He had told me that he thinks he might have to go get his arm checked out. “I can take you.” I tell him while I look to Clarke, and she gets a look of relief on her face. “We’ll be right there.”_

_I hurried up and ran to my office with my gym bag, and threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a T shirt. Then I shut off all the lights, and met Clarke outside the gym. She had the book in her hand, but left her notebooks, and we took off for her house once I locked the gym doors._

_Clarke was so incredibly sweet with Aden, and the little fucker was eating it up. When we were in the waiting room, Clarke put his head on her shoulder because he said his arm was really hurting him. He looked at her chest before back to me, and then winked. I kicked him when Clarke got up to use the bathroom._

_“What? I told you she was gonna be my future wife, Lex.” His grin spread fully across his face, until he saw Clarke come back into the waiting room._

_“Aden.” An ER nurse called out his name, and took the three of us back to the room. Aden ended up falling asleep waiting for the doctor, emergency rooms are no joke in The D. We had already waited an hour and a half for a room, and another hour before anyone saw us. I seriously wasn't even mad though, because Clarke asked me to keep reading to her, and also put her own head on my shoulder while I did so. I may or may not have given Aden a cocky smile back, when he woke up and saw. He just nodded, and I could tell he was actually pleased with the development._

_We saw one of the billing specialists before we even saw a doctor and she advised me that they needed his payment prior to care, since he hadn't had insurance and I was about to go off. It was ridiculous and unethical, but I just pulled out my credit card and paid for it instead. The kid needed his arm looked at, so whatever. I really didn't care._

_Clarke looked at me wide eyed. “We can pay you back.” She told me quickly, but I shook my head._

_“Don't worry about it.” I tried to tell her, but something told me she would._

_Turned out the kid did have a broken wrist and he needed it to remain in a cast for six to eight weeks. He looked extremely worried, but I reassured him that we could still train._

_When we pulled back up to Clarke's house, I got out with them. “Thank you Lexa.” Aden said, after a slap on the back of the head from Clarke._

_“No worries, Aden. I'm happy to help. And we will start training in a few days, alright.” He nodded and went inside, while I leaned up against my car and watched Clarke fidget for a minute or two. “You should probably get some sleep.” I told her. I knew I had been up for well over twenty four hours, so she had to have been in the same boat._

_“Probably…” She replied, before walking over to stand in front of me. “Thank you…for last night, this morning…Aden.”_

_“You don't need to thank me Clarke.”_

_“I know. But I want to.” She leaned in close, and gave me a soft kiss. “So, thank you.”_

_“Anytime.”_

_She pulled back and looked to her house. “I probably should go check on my mom, but maybe we could hang out later?”_

_“I would love too.” She smiled, and so did I._

_“Ok. Well, get some sleep. Text me later?”_

_“I will.” And would probably be planning the wording of said text until then._

_“Ok. Goodbye Lexa.” She took a few steps backwards before thinking, and then came quickly back for another kiss. When she pulled back that time, I wasn't ready to let her go, but I had to. There would be time for more of that…or not. As long as we were hanging out, I really didn't care._

_I had grabbed her hand when she kissed me and we didn't let go of our hold on each other until she backed up far enough to where I had to let go. To be honest, I would have let her rip my arm right out of the socket if it meant I could hold her hand for that many more seconds._

_“See you.” She told me before our gaze was broken and she went inside._

_Oh, was I ever fucked._

 

 


	8. Pros and Cons part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the second half of the chapter I posted last. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy 
> 
> Much love ;)

 

_Chapter 4- Truths (cont.)_

 

_When I got back to the gym, I fell asleep the second my head hit the futon. I didn't think I was going to, what with all the excitement over the last twenty four hours, but I did. It wasn't a long sleep though, as I was literally pulled from it a few hours later by Lincoln._

_He pulled me off the futon, onto the ground and leaned over me while he slapped me lightly in the face a few times to wake me up. “Lexa. Wakey wakey you little Romeo you.” A harder slap, that makes me shoot up and almost hit him the same way I had hit Finn. “Tell us all about it, Sexy Lexi.” He laughs as my head falls back down to the ground._

_“Let me sleep you dick!” I start trying to kick him, but he blocks each one easily._

_“They kissed.” The voice came from behind Lincoln. I peered around him to see Octavia sitting at my desk, typing away on Lincoln's phone. Her eyes go wide as she reads something off the phone. She starts fanning herself. “Wow Woods, I didn't think you had all that in you. You know, because of all the awkwardness.”_

_I shoot up into a sitting position. “Is that Clarke? What is she saying?”_

_Octavia laughs while continuing to type out text messages. “It is Clarke, and I can't repeat what she says, Lexa. It's private…” she looks back at the screen after the notification dinged. She put her hand over her mouth before looking back to me with a touched expression. “Awww.”_

_“Awww what?”_

_“Can't say.” Octavia responded before typing another response, and then handing Lincoln the phone back. “I'm going to go home though, hear it all again in person. And check on Aden.” She gets up and gives Lincoln a kiss, before turning to me. “Our plan is working, now don't fuck it up. And if you hurt her…”_

_“I won't.” I was so fucking serious, and Octavia gave me a stern look while she looked me over._

_She finally nods after a few seconds. “You better fucking not, Lexa. I will fucking kill you.”_

_I couldn't help but smile, because of how much Octavia cares for her best friend and sister. “I swear.”_

_“Ok good.” She nods at me, and turns to give Lincoln another kiss. “I'll see you later tonight.” He nods back and we both watch as she walks down the steps._

_Lincoln turns to me once we hear the gym door shut. “You gotta get Clarke her own fucking phone Lexa.”_

_“What? I'm not buying Clarke a phone, she will smash it over my head! And why, what's the big deal?” I could feel my muscles pull and strain as I stood up in front of Lincoln. They were definitely upset that they didn't get the rest they needed._

_“Do you know how stressful it is every second Octavia has my phone. All it would take is for her to type the letter P in the search bar Lex. Do you even know the amount of porn that is on this thing! She will break up with me!” He explains while he waves his phone in front of my face._

_I smacked it out of his hand and it lands on the futon. “Gross, dude. Not my problem.”_

_“Fine, how about we go in on a phone for Octavia. Because you will win out too, and they won't need to share it.”_

_I thought about that for a second, it would be nice for Clarke to have her own phone. We just started talking, so it hasn't been a problem yet, but why wait for it to be? “Ok deal.”_

_He smiles before pushing me out of the way to lay on the futon. “Awesome. Oh and Uncle Gus is on his way to fix that roof leak. Auntie is pissed that you left last night, so he is also supposed to yell at you for that.”_

_I fell down next him. “I don't even care, Linc. Clarke is even more amazing then I ever imagined. It was all worth it.”_

_He puts his arm around my shoulders. “Aww is my baby cousin finally falling in love.”_

_“Shut up asshole, you care enough about Octavia to be nervous about her finding your porn stash.”_

_He looks off to the side, realizing. “Damn. You're right. Fuck.”_

_“We're both fucked aren't we?” I ask him, while patting his head._

_He brings both his hands up to his face, and shakes his head back and forth. “Lexa, I'm in my prime and incredibly good looking.” He dropped his hands and looked over at me. “This is all your fault! You had to go and buy this gym, and look what happened… we went and fell in love with two hood girls.”_

_I pointed in his face before giving it a little slap. “They are more than a couple of hood girls Lincoln. And who cares that you will be giving up dozens upon dozens of one night stands…” He throws his head back and groans and I couldn't help but take a little pleasure seeing him like this._

_We heard the door open, and my dad called out, before heading up to my office. “Damn pretty boy, who died?” He asked after getting a good look at Lincoln, who then let out a fake wail and put his head on my shoulder._

_“Pops try and be a little sensitive right now. Ok? Pretty boy here is nervous about Octavia finding his porn stash.”_

_My dad's eyes go wide. “Oh wow, he’s got it bad. But he's in his prime!”_

_“Yea ok fine, fuck with me all you want. At least I didn't buy a gym and get kicked in the face, like you did for Clarke.”_

_My dad takes in a sharp breath before he holds his hand out. “I'm sorry did you say Clarke? Lexa, please tell me that you're not…” He lowers his voice into a whisper. “…straight.”_

_I had to roll my eyes. “Pops…”_

_He paces around the office. “What do I tell your mother? Are you sure it's not just a phase? Maybe you just haven't met the right girl? Have you tried to pray… to not be straight.” He whispered the last word again. “I can hear the neighbors now…”_

_“Pops! Clarke is a girl. I'm not straight.”_

_He lets out an over exaggerated sigh, before putting his hands on his knees. “Don't scare your old man like that.” He comes over and gives me a hug. “You can tell me all about Clarke up on the roof.” He shoves me towards the stairs. “After I show you how to tar the leak.”_

 

  
_We were up on the flat roof of the gym, and I was tar patching, while my dad pretended to yell at me for leaving after my mom said I couldn't drive. He wasn't really mad though, he knew I wasn't stupid enough to drive if I didn't think I could._

_Once I was finished I turned back towards the front of the gym that faced the neighborhood. I watched as a man stumbled over from Aden’s house to Clarke's. My adrenaline spiked a few minutes later, once I saw him dragging Aden by the arm back to his house, an angry and yelling Clarke following right behind them. Octavia was there too, also yelling but trying to hold back Clarke._

_My dad and Lincoln were already on the ground and watching the spectacle unfold. “Those are your girls, aren't they?” I heard my dad ask._

_“You're damn right.” Lincoln says puffing out his chest._

_I wanted to climb down the ladder, but couldn't tear my eyes away as the man pushed Aden on the ground and started yelling back into Clarke and Octavia's faces. I looked down and saw the bed of my dad's lifted F-150. I took a few steps backwards before running towards the edge and jumping the two stories down, straight into the bed of the truck. Then I hopped out and started running towards the scene._

_“Shut your ass up an worry bout your own shit. This don't concern you. He's my fuckin kid.”_

_“He's not your kid, he's your paycheck from the fuckin state since his mom died! And your fucking punching bag, and it stops now!” Clarke looks at her left fist to make sure it's like I had showed her, before she sent it flying right at his face._

_The drunk man had surprisingly good reflexes though, and was able to catch her fist. He brought his other hand up and slapped her across the face, sending her backwards from the force of it. This is where I lost it._

_I was on him seconds after the slap, and he wasn't fast enough to catch either of my two punches. The hits knocked him to the ground, and just as I was about to climb on top of him to start a second round of them, my dad grabbed me by the shoulder. “Breathe kid, he's out.” And it was true. I looked down at Aden’s step dad and saw he was knocked unconscious. I was shaking with built up adrenaline and energy that wasn't able to be released from just two strikes. My breathing was fast, and my vision was clouded with anger. My dad starts rubbing my shoulders. “Rainbow Bright over there is going to need you calm. We will take care of this piece of shit, just relax.”_

_With the mention of Clarke, my vision cleared, and my tremors stopped. I turned around to look at her, and she was being held back by Octavia and Lincoln. “Clarke, are you alright?” I asked her, while walking closer to her._

_She stopped her thrashing after hearing my voice, and looks at me. When I get to her, the other two let her go and she puts herself into my open arms. “I'm going to kill him! Ugh! I need more lessons, he caught my punch.”_

_“It's ok. It was thrown beautifully though. Excellent form.” She laughs a little bit, before squeezing me harder. Once she lets up I pull her back to look at her face. It's already red and puffy, which causes another angry tremor to roll through me. She watches me as I look over the area, and lightly put her hair behind her ear. “I have ice, and some balm that will cool the heated skin. After we deal with him, we can go to the gym and I'll help you take care of it, ok?”_

_Clarke nods, before leaning in to give me a quick kiss, that I was not expecting, but welcomed. “Thank you for knocking him out. What are you going to do to him?”_

_I turned around and saw that my dad was dragging the man over to his own house, with the direction of Aden. “It's what my dad is going to do to him.” I grabbed her hand and we hurried behind them, Lincoln and Octavia following us._

_My dad had the man sitting up against the brick of his own house, waiting for him to finish waking up. Once the fucker came to, my dad took a knee, so he was eye level with the man. “Hi there…” my dad looks to Aden for a name._

_“Pike.” Aden answered._

_“Hi there Pike. My name is Gustus. Can you stand? My daughter packs a hard punch, I know.” My dad doesn't wait for Pike to respond, and instead grabs him by his shirt, pulling him to his feet. “There, that a boy.” My dad turns to Lincoln, and nods._

_Lincoln walks up to Pike, and slams a huge fist right into his stomach, before following up with the other fist. It knocks the wind out of him, and sends him right back into the ground. Lincoln reaches for Pike this time, and stands the man back up for my dad to continue._

_“You think you’re a big man, because you can slap around some women and children?” My dad gets in his face, waiting for a response._

_“The kid is street trash, and the girl is a whore who sells herself…”_

_My dad grips Pike by the throat cutting off the rest of his sentence. “That's not what I asked, but it looks like you're not going to pick up what I'm laying down here. Now, my beautiful, strong, god fearing wife believes everyone gets a second chance.” He leans into Pike’s ear. “I don't share her belief in that. Especially when it comes to women and child beaters such as yourself. Luckily for you, I respect my wife and her opinions. I also respect my kid. You remember her…” He moves his hand from Pike’s throat and onto his head to turn his attention to me. I send him a smile and wave. “If I didn't also respect my kid, I would have just choked the life outta you, and left you for rats. But I don't want her to see her dad take a life and end up in prison, just yet. So, here's what we're going to do. I'm gonna give you one more chance, to prove that you might actually be the man you think you are, instead of the piece of shit I know you to be. If I find out that you laid a single hand on Rainbow Bright over there, or any other woman, or if you so much as send another threatening glare at Aden, me and my kids are gonna come back here and beat the living fucking shit out of you. And you will watch as I kill you with my bare fucking hands. Do… you… understand?”_

_Pike nods up and down frantically, but my dad doesn't move away from him._

_“Good. Now, so you know we're serious…” He winds up and backhanded Pike just as he did to Clarke. But I can guarantee it was harder. My dad is a big, strong ass man. Pike fell on the ground again after the hit, and my dad looked to Aden. “He do that to your wrist?” He sends Lincoln and I a look, and we both turn the girls away as Aden responds._

_Clarke turns herself back around to face me, but puts herself close enough that I am still blocking her view.“It's ok, Clarke.” I whispered in her ear, before I covered them both. She puts her hands over mine, and doesn't let me look away from her, not that I would have anyway. Seconds later I heard the snapping of bone and the scream Pike admitted, but I don't let my eyes leave the watery blue ones staring back at me. I held them, and tried to let her know that I had her. That I was there for her, through this, and hopefully everything else._

_She must have picked up on it because before I knew it, her lips were on mine again. It wasn't a long kiss, by any means but it felt desperate on both our ends._

_Pike had stopped his screaming, and my dad threw his car keys to Aden. “Go get my truck, kid.”_

_I dropped my hands from Clarke's ears, but kept hold on one of her hands. I moved to the side to let her see and also checked out the situation myself. Pike was holding his wrist to his chest, and my dad was whispering in his ear. I knew if he was whispering it, that it was bad enough he really didn't want us to hear. Pike nods at my dad, understanding whatever it was he had said. My dad pats his leg and pulls him up, just as Aden parks the truck. Lincoln helps Pike into the passenger seat while my dad comes over to me._

_“I'm going to drop him off at the ER. You girls ok?” He asks me._

_“Yea I think we're good here. Thanks Pops.” Clarke nods in agreement._

_He smiles at us. “Ok. Bring Aden home with you, if he doesn't have anywhere to stay. Keep him away for a few days.”_

_“I will.”_

_“Alright. Love you, kid.” He hugs both me and Clarke, with his giant arms. “And what the fuck you doing? Bring this beautiful girl home for dinner.” He smacks me in the back of the head, while shaking his own. “You too pretty boy.” He shoves one of his giant fingers into Lincoln's sternum as he and Octavia came to stand next to us. “Don't know why you're over there giggling. Family dinner next Saturday. Aden too!” My dad adds to his demand as he walks to his truck._

_“Yes sir.” Lincoln and I both say._

_The five of us watch as my dad turns the truck around to go the opposite way, and also laugh when he slams on the breaks intentionally sending Pike into the dash._

_Once they are out of sight I turn my attention completely to Clarke, while Aden was going on about how cool my dad was. “Pike was shittin his pants he was so scared of your Pops Lex! What the fuck, how is he so big? What does he eat? Your momma cook for him? How come he so big and you're so small?”_

_“Aden!” Clarke scolds and it makes me smile._

_“No Clarke. Lexa is still badass though! Did anyone else see her jump from the mother fuckin roof and shit? For real, you guys eat them wheaties or somethin? Does that shit really work?”_

_Clarke's eyes go wide and she pushes me. “You jumped off a roof? Are you crazy?”_

_I put my hands out defensively. “It was into the bed of my dad's truck. It wasn't that far.”_

_Aden laughs. “It was pretty far Lex, look how tall your gym is.” He then turns to Clarke. “Hey Clarke, real talk though. Can you get me some of them wheaties the next time you go to the store?”_

_She tears her angry eyes off mine, to look at Aden. “Yes, I will get you some wheaties. Now go back inside and rest for a little bit. Check on my mom too will you?”_

_“But I want to hang out with you guys.” It almost sounded like a whine._

_Clarke and Octavia both shake their heads. “No Aden. You're still healing. Take Clarke's bed tonight.” Octavia says in a teasing voice that makes me blush. I tried to hide it but, Clarke saw._

_“Just go get some rest. I'll check on you later.” Clarke tells him._

_“Fine.” He walks back to Clarke and Octavia's house, with his head down, kicking at small rocks on the way. Lincoln and I both laughed at the dramatic little shit._

_“So, since you stayed home last night… how about I take over tonight, and you go out and have some fun.” Octavia tells her best friend, with a huge smile._

_“Octavia…” Clarke warns with her tone and a hand to one of her hips. I swallowed hard and started to sweat._

_The brunette puts her hands on her own hips. “Clarke… go have some fun. Go out with Lexa, let her get you out of all this craziness for a bit. I'm sure she will show you a nice if not awkward time.”_

_Clarke playfully slaps Octavia's arm. “It wouldn't be awkward, stop it.”_

_“Ok, then go.” Octavia challenges._

_Clarke looks over to me and I just hope my face didn't show how desperate I really was. But her smile said differently. Clarke keeps her eyes on me, as she reaches into her back pocket, to hand Octavia their phone. “Jasper and Monty are both coming by for a couple bags. Don't let them talk to Aden alone, he doesn’t need any more advice on how to blow shit up. Unless they wanna bail him out next time.”_

_“Got it handled Clarke. You worry too much. Go!” She pushes Clarke into me, and I grab her arms to steady her._

_“We don't have to if you…”_

_“No I do. Good bye O.” She grabs my hand and leads us to the gym, while we hear Lincoln and Octavia making kissing noises. I flick them off with my free hand to where Clarke can't see, before she looks back and I drop my hand. “First can we put that stuff on my face though, it stings like a bitch.” The thought of her being hit makes me clench my teeth and fists involuntarily, which she notices since her hand is in mine. “I'm ok, Lexa.” I don't trust my voice so I just nod._

 

  
_Once we get into the gym, I bring her up to my office, and have her sit in my desk chair. I crack an ice pack and hand it to her. “Here, hold this to your cheek for a few minutes, then I'll put the balm on it.” She does so and watches me as I sit across from her on the futon, digging through my first aid kit._

_“So goodness runs in the family, along with loyalty.” She tells me, breaking comfortable silence._

_“You could say that.” I smile before bringing the ice pack away from her face to take a look. I can see her cheek is a little wet from the cold ice, so I blow on her cheek for an additional cooling effect. She closes her eyes, and hums out in relief. Her face is honest to God the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on, and all I wanted to do was run my finger tips over every inch of it before starting all over with kisses. I put some strands of hair behind her ear, and take the couple seconds to admire Clarke's pure beauty. “For I never saw true beauty, till this night.” Ok fuck, I couldn't tell if that was said out loud. Did I really just fucking quote Shakespeare?_

_She opened her eyes slowly to look at me. Yep. Definitely out loud. “Lexa…”_

_I shook my head, scared that my stupid slip up ruined things. “It's a quote from a book. It just popped into my head, and I guess I said it out loud.” I tried to give a nonchalant laugh, but it sounded more nervous._

_She reaches for the cream I pulled out and hands it to me. I take it, thankful for the distraction. “What book is it from?”_

_I take some of the cream and rub it lightly on to her cheek. “Romeo and Juliet.” She lets out a soft laugh. “I know, you don't have to give me shit about it.”_

_A smile spreads across her face, when I finish with her cheek. “I won't Lexa. It was very sweet.” She reaches over and starts playing with my fingers. “Ask me something else you want to know.”_

_“Hmmmm.” I rub my chin, pretending to be deep in thought. “Have you ever had the worlds finest frozen custard?”_

_Clarke lets out a sigh, obviously wanting me to get to the deep stuff. “No, I haven't ever had any custard, let alone the world’s finest.”_

_I stand up and bring her with me. “Well you are about to. Also, what are your feelings on putt putt?”_

 

_The worlds finest frozen custard, is an ice cream shop and it has a putt putt course attached to it. Clarke had told me on the drive that she had never played, but was willing to give it a shot. When we pulled up, she laughed at all the big funny statues that acted as part of the course, and ran straight for the giant hot pink hippo._

_Clarke was petting it like it was real and my heart swelled watching her. “Look at how cute!”_

_“Oh, I am.” I said, but was not talking about the damn hippo._

_She blushed, and walked back over to me. “Alright, show me how to play.”_

_We walked over to the stand to get our putters and balls. Clarke eyed me as she grabbed the green set, and I grabbed the blue. “Is that your favorite color?” She teased, knowing._

_“It's recently become my favorite, yes.” We walked over to the first hole. “So the object is basically to get the ball in the hole down there…” I pointed to the end where it was. “…in the least amount of tries. There will be different obstacles you have to try and get around, but the first couple are just straight shots.”_

_“Ok…” She put the ball on the black tee, and took her shot. It traveled razor straight before it bounced perfectly off the back wall and straight into the hole. “So like that?”_

_My mouth was hanging open. “Uhhh… yep.”_

_“Your turn.” She said in a playful and cocky voice._

_“Do you want to make this even more interesting?” I asked and she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms waiting to see what I meant. “Winner picks what we do next.”_

_Her brows furrowed in thought, before she reached her hand out. “Ok deal.” I shook her hand, and didn't want to give it back. I could play one handed no problem._

_Turns out Clarke was either fucking with me, and she was a pro golfer, or she just had amazing beginners luck…because she whooped my ass._

_“Oh don't be sad Lexa.” She said poking me in the stomach while we returned our equipment. “You didn't lose by that much.”_

_I squinted my eyes at her, which made that beautiful laugh spill from her lips. Fuck! Honestly, is it creepy that I wanted to record the sound to have it when she wasn't around? Yea… that actually does sound a little creepy. I was just…kidding?_

_“Alright, you got me good. Is this a new thing? Instead of hustling pool, now people hustle putt putt?” I asked as we walked to the ice cream stand._

_“You got me. But that's because I've never played pool to learn how to hustle it.” She wraps her arms around my waist as we stand in line and gives me an innocent look. “Wanna bet a hundred bucks and dinner you beat me at pool?”_

_I shook my head. “I'm on to you woman, and your trickery.”_

_Clarke laughs, and then drops her hold on me, so she could get a good look at the menu. “What do you usually get?” She stands on her tip toes to try and see inside the stand._

_“They have two flavors of the week, and I usually get them twisted together. Looks like this week is cheesecake and Hawaiian pineapple.” She scrunched up her nose. “It sounds a lot better than last year when they had pumpkin and key lime. That was not very good.” I shuddered._

_“So you just always get the two flavors, even if they are gross?”_

_I nodded. “Yep, the risk is usually worth the reward.”_

_“Ok. Then I'll try it too. I'm feeling brave tonight, anyways.” As if to further her point, she reaches up to grab my face and kisses me. I pull her closer and deepen the kiss when I remembered where we were at._

_“Hey love birds, I said next.” The young kid at the window said._

_I pulled back and watched as Clarke put her two fingers up to her lips and let out a little laugh. “Sorry.” She said to him._

_We ordered and got our custard and went to go sit on one of the picnic tables. “So what do you think?” I asked her as I licked all around my cone._

_“I think I need to not watch you eat ice cream.”She joked…and I choked. Shocking. She laughed and brought her napkin to my mouth, to help wipe off all the custard that splattered when I choked into it. “I think I'm going to have to learn CPR if I'm going to be sticking with you.”_

_“Probably a good idea.” I said, nodding._

_“Probably. I'll check for classes at the Y. And you know what, I may be partial because this is my first time… but I would have to say this is the worlds finest custard.”_

_I laughed. “Well I'm glad you weren't disappointed. So, as the hustler… I mean winner.” She smiles innocently. “Have you decided what you want to do next?”_

_She nods, and takes bite from her frozen custard. “I want to see your lake.” Wow. Was not expecting that, but I hid it well. Ha. No I didn't. “Unless you don't want…”_

_“No! I do. I just wasn't expecting it. Plus, I'm afraid your going to be disappointed. It's not technically my lake, although I have petitioned for ownership on multiple occasions.” She shoves me, making me smile. “I would love to show you the lake Clarke. It's one of my favorite views.”_

_“Ok good. I brought the book too, if you wanted to keep reading?”_

_“I honestly can't think of a single thing that I would want to do more.” She put her head on my shoulder as we finished our cones, and I wondered if she could hear how loud my heart was beating._

 

_The drive to my house was quiet, and I didn't mind at all. Clarke just looked out the window as we drove, looking at all the different houses along the lake. When we pulled into my house, she hesitated before getting out of the car. “Do you want to do something else?” I asked her._

_She shook her head. “No. I don't know why I feel nervous.”_

_“Well we can just hang out in the car until you want to get out. You wanna scroll through my iPod?” I pick it up and start looking through the playlists. “I have a huge variety…”_

_“Lexa…” I look up just in time to see her close her eyes before she kisses me. It's a slow kiss, a tender one. And I love every second, even when she pulls back a little bit, and I can taste her breath as it continues to ghost over my own mouth. “I'm ready. Let's go sit by the lake.” She says once she pulls back completely._

_I was finding it hard to be able to form words, so I just nodded, and we both got out of the car. We held hands as we walked through my backyard and out to the dock. “Oh wow.” Clarke breathed out once we made it to our destination. “I need to draw this.” She said before sitting down, cross legged on the wooden structure. She pulled out a pad of paper and a little container that held her charcoal. “I'm sorry.” She said as she started moving her hand across the paper._

_“Don't be.” I told her, before sitting down next to her. It was amazing how fast the picture unfolded on the paper. Clarke was amazing. She only used black, but it's almost as if she used more the way she was able to shade out the image. I was mesmerized, I couldn't look away from her. She was lost in her own world as she looked up at the view and back down to her paper multiple times. She was able to draw details I didn't think anyone else saw, and it was beautiful. She was beautiful, and I never wanted this to end._

_I took a chance and moved to sit behind her, putting each one of my legs on either side of hers. It must have been something right because she scooted back, and leaned into me, while she finished her drawing._

_When she was finished, she put the charcoal back in the case, before holding out the drawing in front of her to inspect. “You're so unbelievably talented, Clarke.”_

_She shook her head back and forth. “No, not really. One time, Octavia and I snuck into the Detroit Institute of Arts, and saw all of the art there. Now that would be real talent, my stuff is not that good.” She shuts her sketchbook and pushes it to the side. I let my hand ghost over it._

_“May I?” I ask her. She debates, but gives in with a shy nod. I reach for the book and put it in her lap, with my arms around and in front of her. She leans the back of her head against my shoulder while we flip through the pages. Every single picture was breathtaking. Not just from the way she drew it, but the subjects of the pictures as well._

_Most of them were of the buildings and people of Detroit. The broken down buildings that she was able to breathe life into with the charcoal. The emotion that poured into me from off the paper, while I looked into the eyes of the homeless teen staring back at me was too much. “Clarke.” It was all I could say, but I hoped it was enough. She leans up and kisses the side of my mouth, before putting her head back down. The next page held my favorite picture of all time. I later learned it was somewhat of a self portrait of Clarke, but I fell in love with it even before I knew that. It was a picture of a wilted flower, that was still so beautiful, that I had to run my fingers over it. The flower was growing through the cracks of a busy sidewalk, and she had shown the feet of people as they tried to step around it. “Can I take a picture of this one?” I needed to have a copy of it._

_Clarke sits up and turns herself around and sits on her knees to face me. “You like this one?”_

_I shook my head. “I love this one. I love them all, but this one. I don't know what to say, because it literally leaves me speechless. You are so talented Clarke, talented enough that I think your art should be hanging in the halls of the DIA.”_

_Her eyes watered as they stared back at me. “You love this one?” She reaches back and grabs the sketchbook. “Really? You're not just saying that?” She hold the book against herself, almost like a shield as she waits for my response._

_“I'm not just saying it, I really do love it.” I reached my hand up to wipe a single tear that had fallen. “You're amazing Clarke, and not just in your art. In everything you have showed me.”_

_She closes her eyes letting a few more tears fall, before putting her forehead to mine. She takes in a shaky breath. “Ask me about the scars, Lexa.” She tells me before kissing me like it was our last kiss._

_I was a little breathless when she pulled back, so it took me a minute to catch it. She turns herself back around and into the position we were in previously. She wraps my arms around her waist, and holds them there. “Tell me about your scars.” I whispered before placing a small kiss to the side of her neck._

_“Sometimes I go crazy. I see and hear things that aren't really there. I get really sad, and hurt myself.” She turns her wrists so I can see all the scars again. I leave my left arm gripped around her waist, but run the fingers on my right hand lightly over them. “The big one, it wasn't a suicide attempt. I um…” She chokes up a little bit._

_“It's ok. Take your time, Love.” I didn't mean for that to slip out, but it felt right. It felt like her name did when it rolled off my tongue._

_She uses one of her own fingers to trace the long scar. “I thought something had crawled into my arm, and I scratched at it to try and get it out. But that wasn't working. It wasn't real, but I'm so crazy I thought it was. I didn't want it in there… so I tried to cut it out.” I held her tighter, while she finished. “When I woke up at the hospital, I tried to tell them about it, but they didn't believe me. They saw my old cuts, and said I was just depressed and wanted to kill myself. Which I do that sometimes, the cutting. I don't know why I do it, I don’t mean to. And I really didn't want to kill my self, but I eventually just agreed because no one believed me.” She's crying and I want to wipe her tears but I don't want to give up my hold on her._

_“I believe you, Love.”_

_She lets out a tired laugh. “I knew you would, but I was almost wishing you wouldn't. The truth is even worse, that's another reason why I just went along with it. I would rather you look at me and see the girl who was weak and wanted to die, than the insane chick who sees monsters that talk to her in her head.”_

_“I don't see either of those things when I look at you. I see Clarke. The girl who stole my breath, my voice and my heart the second she spoke to me. I see the mystery girl, who wouldn't tell me her name but told me to write about her anyway. Which I did by the way, but I am afraid it's no good. I went on for about two pages on your cotton candy hair, and the possibility of it smelling like actual cotton candy.” She lets out a small laugh, while I smell her hair. “It smells better than I imagined, by the way.”_

_“Thank you.” She says softly as she bites her fingers._

_“I see you as so many things. You're so caring to those you love. So selfless. I see how beautiful you are in spirit. I can tell you are so strong Clarke, so very strong. And I don't think you are crazy.”_

_“Do you remember what I said about the monsters and the voices.”_

_I let out a little laugh. “Yes, but I don't think you're crazy. We can figure it out. I'll fight off the monsters if I have to, I won't make you do it alone. I'll do whatever it takes.”_

_She squeezes my arms that are still around her. “And what about when I get really sad? I don't mean to but it happens. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed, for an embarrassing long amount of time.”_

_“I'll be there, holding you until you are happy again. Whatever you want or need Clarke, I'll make sure you have it. If you want me to take care of you, I will. If you want me to fight with or for you, I will. Anything, just say the word. But I'm not going anywhere unless you force me.”_

_Clarke turns herself around so she's facing me. “You mean you aren't going to run away screaming?”_

_I shake my head. “You thought that was going to scare me away, Clarke? It's just another piece of you, that I'm glad you've shared with me.”_

_“Please don't love me, Lexa. I'll break your heart.”_

_“And if that happens which we don't know it will… I'll make a fortune off of it, like I told you.”_

_Clarke actually rolls her eyes. “A fortune off of a story about my hair and how it smells?”_

_“No. That’s just the first chapter Clarke.” This makes her laugh, and we know what that sound does to me. “I'm serious though, we don't know what will happen, and if any hearts will be broken. I don't know what's exactly going on here, but I know I've never experienced anything remotely like it before, and that it's something very special. We have to at least try, right?”_

_Her fingers are in her mouth, while she thinks. Then she leans back and grabs her bag. She pulls out a napkin and a pen, before writing something down. “Here. This is a contract, so you can write our story and make millions.”_

_“Which I'll of course be donating.”_

_Her eyes drift slowly up, before she squints them at me. “Of course. Because you're Lexa.” She shoves the napkin and pen for me to sign. I do and then she does too. She sighs afterwards and hands me the napkin._

_“Feel better?” I put it in my pants pocket and she nods. “Are you hungry? Wanna go get some dinner?” The sun had almost set, and all I had eaten all day was the frozen custard._

_Clarke shook her head at me. “I want to see the view that was taken in the picture you sent me.”_

_I swallowed hard before answering. Should have taken the time to actually think my words through, but you know. It was me, in front of Clarke. “That would be in my bed. I mean from my bed… I mean the room with my bed. There's a window…” She smiled and let me ramble out nonsense._

_“You done?” She asked once my was mouth shut. I nodded. “Ok. Show me the window, that is in the room that holds your bed in it. I want to see the lights on the dock, and I want you to read to me, if you want to.” She stands up and gathers her things putting them in her bag. Then she holds her hand out to me. “Do you want to?” I took her hand and led her to the loft as my response._

 

  
_“I'll give you a quick tour…” Clarke was on me the second the door closed. Her mouth tasted delicious, as it attacked mine, after she shoved me against my front door._

_She pulled away quickly to make sure it was ok. “Lexa, you know how much I love to hear you talk… but right now, I need your stupid lips all over my body.” She pants out, while she stares me down with blown pupils._

_“We'll start with the bedroom.” I lifted her up effortlessly by her ass and she moaned before wrapping her legs around me._

_We continued to kiss as we made our way up the stairs, to my bedroom. I put her down at the end of the bed, and we broke apart our lips. She reaches for her shirt and pulls it over her head and oh my fucking god, I will never forget the first time I saw Clarke in her bra. Even though it was only for a second, because she got rid of it immediately after. She was clawing at my own shirt, and I wanted to rid myself of it, but I couldn't take my eyes off Clarke._

_“Are you going to do the staring thing?” She asks, her voice coming out needy, like if I didn't touch her right then and there she would combust. Kind of exactly how I was feeling too. “Lexa…” She wines, and it breaks me out of my trance._

_I throw my own shirt and bra over my head, before reaching out to kiss her. I let her have control of the previous kiss, but not this time. Her hands roamed over my entire body, and her nails scratched down my back when I moved my lips to her neck. I thought about marking her neck as I let my teeth graze across the smooth skin, but I didn't want to push too far._

_Turns out it wouldn't have been. “Do it, please.” I put my thigh between her legs, and did as she asked. I ran my tongue lightly over the area, to stimulate the area and then bit down, causing her to call out, and grind against my thigh. She reaches for the button of her jeans and gets them off, before reaching for mine. I kiss her while she does it, soft ones against her collarbone, and she make the most delicious sounds while I did so._

_I step out of my pants and look at her gorgeous naked body. She shivers while standing under my gaze. I lead her back into the huge bed, watching as pulls herself to the top of it. I join her, kissing my way up her legs, and stomach. I kiss each of her perfect breasts before teasing each nipple. “Lexa…” Fuck. I swear I could come, just from hearing her moan my name._

_We both let out a sigh of relief when I finally let all of my weight rest between her legs. I missed her lips though, so I hurried back up to them. I had to pull away when I noticed she was shaking. “Are you cold?” She had a little chatter to her jaw, but she shakes her head. “What's wrong, Love?”_

_“I've never done this… before.” She shudders._

_“With a girl?”_

_She shakes her head, and brings her trembling hand to my cheek. “No not… with someone I…” She looks into my eyes, as hers water. “Never with someone I cared for.”_

_Tears build in my own eyes once I realize what's been going on here. Clarke has completely opened herself up to me. She has put herself entirely on display, and trusted me enough to do so. And I felt like I needed to do the same. I needed to also put myself out there for her to see. “Clarke, it's ok. We don't need to do anything your not completely comfortable with. I've never been in love before, but I know I'm falling face first for you, and it started the night we met. So this will be something new for us both. We can wait or we…” She doesn't let me finish my sentence. She pulls my lips to hers, by the back of my head._

_When she wraps her legs around my own, she pulls me harder into her, causing us both to moan in each other's kiss. She bites my lip, which was still a little sore, and I grind my hips hard in response. Our bodies are matched up perfectly and I can't help but continue to thrust when she spreads her legs further. I swear to fucking whatever the fuck god is out there, that I have never felt anything so amazing in my entire fucking life. Her wetness and warmth mixed with the sounds she was making, was all too much. I had to break our kiss, because Clarke was too skilled with her lips and tongue, and I was trying so hard not to come so quickly! But fuck! Watching her was worse than the kissing. Her head was tipped back, and I couldn't resist the urge to bite her dimpled chin, that I love so much. And her lips were parted just enough to let the little whimpers and moans out, that told me I was doing a good job. That she was feeling as good as I was. But I didn't think she was. Because I was seriously about to tip over the edge, and it had only been like two minutes!_

_I swear, she senses it the second she looks at me, and I saw a devilish look in her eyes. She bit her lip, before reaching for my ass, digging her nails in, while pulling me harder into her, while also bucking her hips at a pace that makes me falter in mine. It felt so good though, I just let her. My body tensed up as my orgasm started, and I thought I had reached my peak. But Clarke leans up and sinks her teeth into my shoulder, pushing me far over the edge, like I've never dreamed before._

_Her teeth release their hold on my skin, as her hips slow their own thrusts, helping me come down from my orgasm. She peppers my neck and face with kisses, before I fall on top of her trying to catch my breath. So much for showing her I have stamina. Fuck! Seriously this was a fluke. One time thing!_

_When her nails start to run softly up and down my back, I felt like she thought we were done. Oh but we weren't. I might have peaked early, but I was far from done with her._

_Even though I was so fucking sensitive, I still ground myself into her hard, letting her know we weren't through. We locked eyes before I started kissing down her neck and chest. Her back arched when I took one of her nipples in between my lips. I kissed my way further, taking time to nibble on each of her hips. The way she wiggles underneath me, I know it tickles, so I focus on them for just a little longer than I planned to._

_Her hands found their way into my hair, just as I positioned my mouth over her center. I looked up at her, catching her eyes as I took my first taste. Now, I might be partial, since we are talking about the love of my life here, but I swear, her taste was like the nectar of the gods. I moaned as it touched my tongue, and her hips jerked up in response. I wrapped my arms under her thighs and spread them further, so I could have it all. I ran the entire length of my tongue slowly up and down her swollen clit. Her grip on my hair grew stronger, so I picked up the pace._

_My name keeps spilling from her lips and it was driving me crazy! I could tell she was close as her legs quiver around me, but I don't want her to finish yet. While I slow the speed of my tongue, I touch the tips of two fingers to her entrance, and push them in slightly. I was blessed with exceptionally long fingers, so I was going to ease them in, but Clarke couldn't wait. She thrusts herself down on them, until they as deep as they can go. Her hands move from my head to the sheets, where she grips them hard. I massage and curl my fingers deep inside of her, all while keeping my tongue moving against her clit._

_“Lexa…” She was close, and actually so was I. It was so incredibly sexy to watch her under me. To know I was making those sounds come from her. I couldn't hold out, another orgasm was coming, but I knew hers was right there too. I was actually getting off watching her get off. I stilled my fingers when I felt her clench around them as her release hit her, but I didn't still my tongue. I helped ease her down with soft circles, until she couldn't take any more and she brought her hands to my head. I eased my fingers out of her at an extremely slow pace, watching as Clarke but her lip while I did so._

_She was shaking again, so I grabbed the blanket and brought it up and over us. I laid down on my side, next to her and ran my finger tips up and down her naked and sensitive body. “Are you ok?” I whispered to her, before I kissed her jaw._

_Clarke shakes her head and also turns on her side. She runs her fingers through my hair and studies my face. “I'm so happy right now.” A few tears slip from her eyes, but she's smiling. “That was so beautiful. You're so beautiful, Lexa.”_

_I pull her on top of me, and she settles herself against my chest, like she had lived there all her life. “Hey, that's what I was going to say.” She laughs before she leans up to kiss the side of my mouth, before laying her head back down. I run my nails softly up and down her back, and she hums. “I've never felt anything like that before, though.”_

_“I haven't either.”_

_Grabbing her hand, I bring it to my mouth to kiss. “I don't think I can let you go.”_

_Silence fills the room for a minute before she lifts her head and answers. “I… I don't want you to.”_

_Her blue eyes spoke true, so I tightened my arm around her and leaned in to kiss her. “Then I won't.”_

_"Not even when I'm being crazy?”_

_"Not ever." It was a promise, that I would never break. It's her turn to seek the truth from my eyes, and the little kisses she gives me, tells me she knows I wasn't lying._

_“Read to me?” Clarke gets up before I can respond and goes to her bag. She pulls out the book and when she stands up, I catch sight of her beautiful pale skin as it's soaked in the light of the moon. She catches me staring, and gives me a shy smile. “Lexa…” I smiled, because I love when she says my name, but I couldn’t move my eyes up to hers. She walks slowly back to the bed and tries again. “Lexa…”_

_“Hmmm?” It's all I had._

_"Will you read to me?" She asked after climbing back into bed. “Or do you just want to keep staring?”_

_“Umm…?”_

_She laughs and pushes the pillows on her side against the headboard so she can sit up. I force myself to do the same, and she puts the book in my lap. I reach over into my nightstand and grab the light I use for late night reading. When Clarke sees it she busts out laughing._

_“What is so funny?” I ask her, as I put the hands free light on my head, causing her to laugh even harder. “It's very practical, you know.” I can help but laugh too, I know I looked like an idiot. But it really was good when you don't want to turn all the lights on! I made sure I had her attention when I pressed the button for the light, and she lost it. Her loud laugh echoed throughout the loft and I had never been happier in my entire life. “I look so cool in this. Don't even try to lie and tell me I don't, Love.”_

_“Lexa no! You look like a coal miner!”_

_“Coal miners are cool Clarke. Go ahead, try and keep your hands off me while I wear it. Bet you can't. It's just too much sexy, for any one person to handle.”_

_She licks her lips, gets up and throws one of her legs over my lap, and straddles me. She rips the light off my head, and throws it on the floor with the book. “You're right. You... are too sexy for me to handle, even with that stupid light.” She kisses me hard, before pulling back. “What do you say we just read in the morning.” Her lips are on mine before I can respond, so I grip her hips as my answer._

 


	9. Warn a girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter! It's later than I hoped... but I'll try and get the next one out as soon as I can. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and let me know what you think :)
> 
> Much love

_Chapter 5- Hold on tight_

  
_“… Two souls are sometimes created together and in love before they're born.”_   
_\- F. Scott Fitzgerald The Beautiful and the Damned_

_  
Clarke and I had ended up staying up that whole night. We loved, we laughed, we read and it was the absolute best night I could have ever asked for. We couldn't get enough of each other and I don't just mean physically. Although, let's just say I did get to prove I wasn't all talk on the stamina front. But we also couldn't get enough of one another on an emotional level._

_We talked about everything and nothing. Clarke had let her walls crumble apart right in front of my eyes. She told me more about her dad and how hard it was to adjust to the new responsibilities after he had died. Along with watching her mother spiral into something Clarke couldn't help her out of. She steered clear of any escort talk but told me how she ended up selling weed. Her dad had sold it for one of his friends and when he died Clarke's mom Abby was supposed to take over since they couldn't afford to lose that income. But her mom would drink during the day and be passed out when people stopped by to pick up. So Clarke had to learn and be the one to do it. She said her dad's customers stayed loyal to her after he was gone and her own friends were getting to be that age to start smoking too, so she was able to make up for some of the lost income. She has been doing it ever sense._

_She wasn't the only one who was sharing though. I had told her about my birth parents while I was making us breakfast. I told her that I didn't know anything about who they were, but could find out if I had wanted too. How I sometimes wondered about who they might be and why they decided to give me up, but it wasn't ever anything that kept me up at night. My real parents raised me and loved me more than I deserved. She also asked what I was like growing up and I told her I liked to press people's buttons, while having one foot over the line. But was a pretty good kid once I got into boxing._

_“Speaking of boxing…” Clarke says, while ripping off a piece of her toast. I was at the stove finishing the eggs, while she sat at the island in nothing but my old Boxing Club t-shirt from school. “Will I have to see you be all beaten up, all the time? Because I know I said your face was stupid, but I really do like it.”_

_This made me smile and laugh. “Well I only box in competition a couple times a year, for a few charities. Lincoln and I will train together without holding back, but most of the time my face remains intact.” I brought the pan over and filled her plate up with eggs before doing the same to my own next to hers._

_“Thank you.” She says, while looking wide eyed at all the food in front of her._

_“My pleasure.” I told her, before refilling both our coffees. She stares at me while I sit down and I send her another smile. I actually didn't think I had stopped smiling the entire night and morning._

_I take a few bites, and urge her to do the same. But the sudden change in her eyes, tells me something is on her mind._

_“Lexa, you know you can still back out right.” She tells me before putting her fork down. “Seriously. We're not in too deep yet. I mean, yea... so this last night has probably been the best night of my entire life. But that doesn't mean anything.”_

_I put my own fork down and turn on the stool so I could face her. Giving her my complete attention._

_Clarke looks to the side of me and bites her bottom lip. “And sure the sex… my god. I didn't know it was possible for sex to be that good and intimate. But again, that doesn't mean anything. We can still walk away.”_

_I grab my chin with my thumb and forefinger, while also nodding to let her know that I had heard what she said. “Well if I may…” Clarke nods and waves a hand, letting me know she would like my input. “In rebuttal to your points Clarke, I think you may be incorrect in your assumptions. You see, tonight has probably been the best night of my entire life as well. And I think it definitely means something if the people who shared said night, both think it's their favorite.”_

_She put her fingers in her mouth while she thinks. “You might have a point.”_

_I nod again, before sliding off my stool to stand behind her. I turn her and the stool to face me and position myself in between her legs. “As for the sex…” I lean in and kiss her neck softly, causing a little whimper and shiver to escape her. “Well, I have never experienced such a connection with anyone else the way I felt with you, Clarke.” I pull back so I can look at her. Her eyes were darkening and she let her arms come up around my neck, all while her breathing picked up. I let my fingertips roam up her exposed thighs, leaving goosebumps to form along the way. “I am in too deep Clarke. I'm not backing out, because I don't want to. I want this. I want you.” She kisses me before I get a chance to say anything else._

_The kiss got far deeper than I think either of us had intended. Her legs were wrapped around me tight and my arms were holding my weight up above her, on the back of her chair. As her hand found it's way into my shorts, there was a knock on the door. She froze underneath me and I pulled away to look at the door before back to her. “Why does this keep happening? I didn't even order a pizza this time!” I whined, causing her to laugh. I kiss her again, until there is another knock. “Just ignore it.” I told her before pulling her face back to mine._

_“Lexa, you have till the count of three to open up this damn door, or I bust it in like I'm the police.” I could hear my mom threaten. I pulled away from Clarke quickly and shot her a worried look._

_“What do I do, Lexa? I don't have any pants on! I can't officially meet your mom, pant less!” I looked around and ran to grab the throw blanket I had on my couch and threw it into Clarke's lap as she smoothed out her hair._

_“Just in case. She probably won't even come in. I am so sorry…” I whispered before turning to open the door. “Morning mama! What brings you down here so early?” I asked, while trying to act cool before I noticed she was holding a laundry basket. I felt my face flush immediately. How embarrassing, Clarke was about to find out my mom still did my laundry._

_“It's not that early Lexa. And why are you all flushed and sweaty? I didn't see you come inside to do your work outs.” She grabs my chin and turns my face from side to side looking me over. She raised her eyebrow at me, but I could tell she new._

_“Uhhh…” She smiled that smile that only parents can give, when they know they could embarrass the shit out of their child. I begged her with my eyes and after a few moments of deliberation, she handed me the laundry basket. The sigh I let out was audible, causing her to smile some more._

_“I'm heading to work. There are fresh pastries and juice in our kitchen.”_

_“Sounds good Mom. Thank you.” I told her before switching the basket into my other arm and giving her a kiss on the cheek._

_“I'll see you for dinner on Saturday Clarke.” She called into the loft._

_I turned my head to see Clarke cover her face with both her hands shaking her head back and forth. “I can't wait, Mrs Woods.” Clarke says before dropping her hands, while giving me a look that should have killed me right then and there._

_My mom winked at me, before leaving and once I closed the door, another audible sigh was released. I turned around slowly and saw that Clarke still had the same look on her face. Not knowing what to say and because I'm a fucking idiot… I just waved shyly at her. She kept up her look for a few seconds and then couldn't help but bust out laughing. I walked back over to her and took her lips in a kiss once more, but didn't let it get heated again by pulling back a few inches._

_“I apologize for that, Clarke. My mom and dad tell each other everything and I maybe…” I leaned in an placed a soft kiss to her lips before pulling back again. “… definitely mentioned you to Pops yesterday when he was helping me with the roof.”_

_Clarke laughs and shakes her head. “Oh yea? And what did you tell him?”_

_I felt my face start to flush again and quickly sat down next to her on my stool. I looked down at my plate and scooped up a fork full of food. “Uh… well you know, we should really eat our breakfast, it's already pretty cold. Or if you want fresh juice and pastries, I can go get you some of that.” I threw her a nervous smile. I soooo did not want to tell Clarke, that I basically told my dad she would be his daughter in law one day. She would think I was crazy! I mean, I was. Obviously. Of course I was… but still._

_“No. I want what you cooked for me. And thank you for breakfast.” She picks up her fork and takes a bite. “Mmm it's really good Lexa.”_

_“Yea?” She nods while she finishes her bite, before taking another._

_We ate in silence, but would steal little looks at one another and would laugh when we caught each other staring. It was so comfortable being together and not at all weird, like every other morning after I had experienced up until Clarke._

_I had finished eating way before her, because I'm a fucking savage when it comes to food. “Lexa I'm so sorry but I can eat another bite. I'm so full.” She told me, while looking guilty. She still had more than half of the food on her plate._

_“No worries.” I grabbed her plate, and finished the rest of it, while she stared and smiled._

_“Where do you put it all?” She asked, once I was done._

_“I’m actually a bottomless pit. I'm currently debating on going to get those pastries my mom was talking about.” She laughed while I picked up our plates and threw them in the sink._

_“Let me clean up, since you cooked.” She got off the stool and came over to the sink._

_“Don't worry about it.” I told her while I grabbed her hand that was reaching into the sink._

_“Why? Does your mom do your dishes too?” She teases. I froze and could feel the red hot blush start to creep up again. She laughed and grabbed my face, before giving me a kiss. “I'm just messing with you. Don't worry.” Another kiss._

_“It's pretty embarrassing that a twenty one year old still lets her mother do her laundry, huh?”_

_She shook her head. “No, it's not.” Her arms found their way around my waist and she hugged me. I squeezed her as tight as I could without hurting her, and kissed her neck. “Lexa…?”_

_“Hmmm?” I kissed her neck again, but kept my hold on her._

_“Will you read some more to me? Do you have anything to do today? I don't have to be home until Octavia goes to class tonight.” She pulled away slightly to look at me._

_I had a ton of shit that needed to be done still at the gym, if I wanted to open on time. But… “I can't think of a single thing I need to do, Love. I'm all yours.”_

_The smile she gave me, literally made my knees weak and I had to catch myself on the counter, but I hid it well. She grabbed my hand and lead me back up the stairs to my bed. She settled herself against me, laying her head on my shoulder, after I adjusted the pillows so I could be propped up slightly._

_Truthfully, we didn't even make it through a full page. Clarke took the fabric of my shirt and bunched it up in her fist. Then I could hear her breath steady before she fell peacefully asleep. After putting the book down, I kissed her head and wrapped both my arms around her. It was something I had fantasized about countless times, to be holding Clarke Griffin in my arms. And I'll tell you what folks, it was infinitely better than anything I could have ever imagined. I never wanted to let go. It felt like I was finally where I needed to be. Where I wanted to be._

_I held her while I went over everything that she had told me. The lie about her scars and the truth. Her confession about the voices and her sadness. And while I did this, I silently promised her that I was going to make her happy. Because that was all I thought she needed. I thought that if I could just make her happy, it would all go away. That the voices and monsters and sadness would just disappear. At that time, I thought depression was just sadness, so I just had to make her happy, right? That's literally what I was thinking. But I hadn't been familiar with mental illness at that time. No one I knew was diagnosed or ever treated for it. And I look back at it… and I can't help but think, what would my life be like now, if I had taken the time to do a little research that day. Instead of just assuming that all it was, was just a matter of making Clarke happy. If I had just educated myself on the issue then, where would I be today? I don't regret many things in my life, but choosing to remain ignorant, will forever be one of them. If only for her sake…_

_But, I don't mean to get ahead of the story. Just trust me when I say, take the time to educate yourself on things that involve those you love and the world around you._

_So anyway, after I made those good intended but foolish promises, I fell asleep rather quickly. How could I not? For one, I had the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, cuddle close and sleeping soundly on my chest. And I also only had about four hours of sleep over those whirlwind couple of days. So I was out like a light._

_Until I wasn't._

_“Lexa…” A soft voice calls and I could feel myself smile in my sleep, before I heard the sweetest laugh. “Lexa…” Again, I couldn't help but smile. I loved that voice, and would never tire with how my name sounded coming from it. Then I felt soft lips make their way up and down my face, before I felt them move to my neck. Fingertips found there way under my shirt, tickling my stomach with their slow and feather light trek across my abs. My eyes shot open when they were replaced with a warm and soft tongue._

_“There you are.” She said, once we locked eyes. Her voice had this sexy rasp to it, that I had never heard before. Then she kissed down my stomach before she slid my shorts down my legs._

_“Clarke…?” Was this real life? I honestly couldn't fucking tell. I had so many dreams about Clarke, it could have easily just been another._

_“I couldn't sleep anymore. I was thinking about last night… and early this morning. All about your tongue and those fingers.” She bit her lip and closed her eyes. I couldn't breathe, was just frozen. I just kept thinking, this is a dream. It was a dream, but fuck it! “Is this ok?” She asked me before settling herself between my legs._

_I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights. Of course it was ok! It was just taking my sleep riddled brain a few extra minutes to catch up with my more than ready body. Like always, I couldn't find my words and could only nod, but a nod was all she needed._

_Much like I had done the night before, once her tongue had tasted me, she moaned. Jesus fucking christ! There was no way it was that hot when I did it. All of my muscles instantly strained. Some of them wanted to make me throw my head back, others to make me grip my hands through Clarke's hair. But, by some miracle, I was able to remain in control for the time being. Why? Because those piercing blue eyes hadn't left mine. They wanted me to watch. They didn't want me to look away, so there was no way in hell I was going to. It was decided by yours truly, early on, that whatever Clarke wanted, I was going to give her. So, I braced myself up slightly on my elbows, ignoring my already quivering abs and watched as she devoured me._

_At first, she kept her pace slow, almost painfully so. And I loved it. It was so hard not to close my eyes, the more I could feel the warmth of her tongue, as it circled around the most sensitive part of my body. Instead, I expressed my pleasure the only other way I could. Through sound. Clarke could read my body perfectly, knowing exactly when I needed her to increase both her speed and pressure. It was feeling too good and I knew I was going to be a complete and utter mess afterwards. And that I wasn't going to last very long. Which she also knew. She pushed herself up from between my legs, taking her perfect mouth with her._

_“Not yet, Lexa.” She whispered, while straddling me and pushing me down flat on the bed. Then she took my hand, bringing two of my fingers into her mouth that I had been missing. I watched her pull them out, before she raised herself up from my lap and put them where she really wanted them._

 

“Lexa...” Clarke's voice pulled Lexa away from her book. “I can't hear this right now.” Clarke stood up from the bench and that's when she noticed the flush on Clarke's chest. Lexa knew that meant Clarke was either very turned on or very angry.

Lexa closed the book and put it down, carefully trying to gauge the younger girl's emotions. “I'm sorry, Clarke. I should have warned you about it. I was influenced by the publisher… that would be Raven actually… but she said it would help it sell. And since she bought the publishing company just to get my book out...”

Clarke laughs before taking in a deep breath. “No, it's ok. It's just, fuck!” She won't look Lexa in the eye and distracts herself by using the hair tie on her wrist to pull her blonde hair back off her heated neck and chest.

“I'm sorry.” Lexa started to sweat, still not sure of Clarke's reaction. “I should have said something, maybe shouldn't have even written it to begin with. It was something special between us and that's where it should have stayed.”

Clarke shakes her head and moves to go sit back down next to the brunette. “No, Lexa I don't mind that you put it in there. I told you, you could write our story. Our crazy amazing sex is part of that story. I'm not mad, at all. It's just, hearing it and remembering it… with you sitting so close to me. Well... I was about two seconds away from ripping your clothes off and taking you on this bench.”

Lexa's eyes go wide and it was her turn to blush. “Oh..” She said in a voice a couple octaves lower.

“Yea.” Clarke says in the same tone, while also nodding her head. “You need to warn a girl beforehand. That was… intense.” A sly smile forms on her former lovers face, which makes Clarke roll her eyes before she playfully pushes Lexa. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Lexa raises an eyebrow before she gives the same smile again. She holds Clarke's gaze, waiting for a response.

Clarke lets her eyes fall to Lexa's lips for only a second. “Don't get cocky. You know what that does to me.” It was said in her seductive voice and it made Lexa swallow hard. She could never win against Clarke in this game, but that never stopped her from playing.

Before Lexa has a chance to reply, her phone rings and she almost throws it into the lake. But the instant worry that was now written on Clarke's face, sobered her up. Lexa looked at who was calling and it was Octavia. She checked her watch and saw that it was almost time to meet up with her.

“Is it time?” Clarke says, before bringing her fingers up to her mouth. Lexa nods. Clarke remains silent for a few seconds, gathering up her courage. “Ok. I'm ready.”

 

Clarke was in fact not ready. Clarke was a nervous wreck, remaining that way the entire trip to the hotel. She was so scared that Octavia was going to be mad at her, give it would be rightfully so, but it still was not something she was looking forward too.

She had been fidgety the entire cab ride and rambled on to Lexa about a few things that had happened since they were apart. She also tried to get the thoughts in her own head straight. Lexa being Lexa, didn't draw attention to the lies laced within her ramblings. But she felt bad for telling them.

The lies continued to spill after they were out of the cab and once they were in the elevator of the hotel, she couldn't take it. “Oh my god Lexa, none of that was true. I don't know why I said that.”

A small comforting smile graces Lexa's lips as she puts some fallen hair behind Clarke's ear. She knew why. Lexa knew her in and out. “You don't have to be scared, Love. Octavia understands, she just misses you.”

Her blue eyes start to water once the elevator door opens and she is met with the sight of a pacing Octavia outside the hotel room door. But they absolutely started to pour once her best friend and sister, grabbed her up into her arms.

“Clarke! You beautiful bitch, I've missed you so fucking much!”

“I'm so sorry.” Clarke squeezed Octavia for all she was worth.

“It's ok. Stop it. I don't care, I only care that you’re here now, Clarke. My god, I've missed you so much.” She pulls back, to look Clarke over. “I just can't believe you're here. I love you and I'm just so happy to be seeing you.”

Clarke puts her hands over her face. “I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. God I'm such an awful bitch.”

Octavia pulls Clarke's hands gently away from her face. “Hey.” She says in a soft voice, making Clarke look her in the eyes. “Don't you cover up that flawless face I have been missing. Which by the way, your skin still is amazing and that kind of makes you a bitch, but only because I'm jealous.”

This makes Clarke laugh, which makes both Lexa and Octavia internally sigh out of relief. They both knew that this situation, this reunion could be very hard and emotional for Clarke. Neither want that yet. There would be time to work it all out once Clarke was home. If they could convince her to go home, that is.

“Clarke, stop apologizing. I just want to hang out with my best friend ok? I want to eat some dinner. I want to talk about stuff we have missed, about boys or a certain awkward girl.” Octavia and Clarke both look at Lexa, each with a different type of smile.

“Thanks.” Lexa says sarcastically.

“You know it's true, Woods. I don't have time to drag you on all your awkwardness right now to prove my point, because I want to hang out with Clarke. Remind me tomorrow and I'll put some time aside.” Octavia starts leading Clarke into the hotel room.

Raven was laying on the couch when they walked in, watching tv. “Lexa and Clarke are here! Yay. Take me away from this HGTV hell Octavia has had me in for the last several hours.”

“Oh shut up, Rae. You practically have the entire Wayfair website in your cart.”

“I know. And it's been hell.” She pouts towards Lexa. “My thumb is tired from all the clicking.”

Lexa laughs at her best friend. “Well I'll help you escape from the depths of Home improvement hell. Get up, we're going to leave these two alone for a while and go get some dinner.”

Raven hops up excited. “Ooh and where are we going? Should I dress up?”

“I don't care. Gibsons?”

“Yea go there. And bring me back a steak, will you?” Octavia says to Raven. “Please Big Poppa?” Octavia asks nicely.

“Big Poppa?” Clarke make a face at the weird name.

The other three girls all laugh at the inside joke and it makes Clarke feel extremely left out. Lexa notices immediately and tries to give her a soft smile.

“Raven will buy you anything, if you call her Big Poppa. She even bought me a brand new custom pink Cadillac.”

Clarke's jaw drops as she looks to Lexa to confirm. Lexa rolls her eyes and nods. “Raven is disgustingly rich.”

“You just buy people cars for the hell of it.” Clarke asks Raven, bewildered.

Raven gets a dreamy look on her face. “I love it when they call me Big Poppa.”

“How are you that rich?”

“It's classified.” The three girls say at the same time.

Raven shoots her two echos each a glare. “You know that's my absolute favorite thing to say when new people ask me you guys! It's the only thing that makes it being classified actually worth it!” Lexa and Octavia both put on fake sympathetic faces. “No don’t give me those looks. I'm pissed.” Then she turns to Clarke, giving the cold shoulder to her snickering friends. “I'm pretty much Einstein smart if you couldn't already tell.”

Real shock spreads over Clarke's face, causing Lexa and Octavia to bust out laughing again. “Actually that is surprising.”

“Well I am Clarke.” Raven says flatly. “And being the genius I am, I created something and the details about that something will forever remain between the United States government, a huge team of Lawyers and myself. But it made me richer than shit instead of sending me to prison like I originally had thought!”

Clarke stands there stunned. “Seriously?”

“I think she comes from old money and she's just too embarrassed to say thing.” Octavia fake whispers to Clarke.

Lexa leans in on Clarke's other side to do the same thing. “And I think she was involved in some kind of huge illegal online gambling operation. The Feds are definitely after her.” Clarke turns her head to see of Lexa was telling the truth, but saw the mischievous look. “I swear your house is bugged.” Lexa directed towards Raven.

She shrugs. “Probably.” She then grabs her purse and throws her shoes on. “But let's go, I'm starving and need a few drinks. You two have fun! Order all the food you want through room service. I think the Porn I ordered earlier is still available for another hour or too, but feel free to choose another title.”

Lexa pushed Raven towards the door while rolling her eyes and looking back to Clarke. “I'll see you guys in a bit. Have fun.” She gives Clarke a small wave, as she walks backwards towards the door.

“Yea yea Romeo, we will don't worry. I like my steak medium rare.” Octavia shoos Lexa away, but Clarke's eyes scream don't go. She ends up caving and waves back to Lexa just before the door closes.

“Ok. What should we order from room service?” Octavia grabs Clarke up into another hug, before leading her to sit on the couch. The menu was already laid out in the table, open to a specific page. “I was thinking quesadillas, chips and salsa, maybe even some fried ice cream?”

“How are you going to eat all of that and then eat a steak when they get back.”

Octavia gets a guilty look before a huge smile spreads across her face. “I was going to try and wait to tell you… but…” Octavia holds her left hand out to Clarke so she could see the gorgeous engagement ring on her finger.

“Oh my god! Octavia!” The both reach to hug each other and squeal out in excitement. “Let me see that ring again, holy shit!”

Octavia pulls back and gives her hand back to Clarke. “Lincoln said he picked it out all by himself, but I think Lexa had her hand in, because look at it!”

“It's so beautiful! I can't believe it, when did this happen? When is the wedding?”

“It happened last New Years and I haven't started planning the wedding yet.”

Clarke is shocked. “Really, why not?”

Octavia gets another guilty expression on her face. “For two reasons. I couldn't plan my wedding with out you, Clarke. I need my maid of honors opinion on everything, you know that. And the second reason, which is also why I'll be able to eat all that food… I just found out I'm pregnant.” Octavia quickly covers her mouth.

“What!” Clarke felt like she was going to burst, she was so happy for her best friend.

“I’m ten weeks. You're the first person I told, besides Lincoln of course. It's exactly how I dreamed it to be too, being able to tell you first!” They both let out another excited squeal before hugging again.

“This is so amazing I can't even believe it, O. Congratulations! You're going to be the best mom ever!”

“And you're going to be the best aunt!” More high pitched sounds.

“I'm going to be an aunt!” Clarke is crying from being so happy.

“Well you kind of already are an aunt.” Octavia reaches for her phone.

“You have another baby?”

Octavia laughs, stopping Clarke from spiraling into a world of guilt for having missed her best friends first child. “Not me. Aden.” She gives the blonde her phone.

“What? Oh my god.” She smiles at the picture of a now much older looking Aden who was holding a one year old baby girl. They both had the same carefree smile on their face. His daughter had beautiful dark brown curls and eyes, unlike his lighter attributes. But she definitely had his smile.

“Who is her mom? She kind of looks like Monique.” Octavia just smiles back and nods.

“What? I knew it! He was so in love with her when they were little babies themselves. Oh Octavia.” She says looking back to the picture. “They look so happy! She's so fucking beautiful, what's her name? Is he a good dad?”

“Her name is Desirae, but we call her Dez. And they are so happy. He is a great dad, Clarke. She has him wrapped around her little finger. She actually has everyone wrapped around her little finger. Especially everyone in the Woods family.” Octavia reaches over and goes to another album on the phone so Clarke can see more pictures. “This was at last months family dinner.”

The Woods family made sure that they all got together at least once a month for dinner. No exceptions, everyone must come. It didn't matter who had what going on, Indra and Gustus required all the kids drop what they were doing and spend quality time as a family. Clarke smiles through her tears, as she flips through all the photos. Most of the time Gustus had Dez. There was some of him hunched over, helping Dez walk, while she held on to his giant fingers. In others he was just holding her in his lap, or tickling her. In each one though, the little girl looked perfectly content being in such a big mans arms.

“She loves her Pop Pop.” Octavia laughs.

“I can tell.” Clarke continues to take in every picture and freezes when she gets to a certain one. Lexa was asleep on her parents couch and she had an also sleeping Dez on her chest. Clarke inhaled sharply.

“She still loves you.” Octavia says softly.

“I still love her.” Clarke whispers back, not taking her eyes off the picture.

Octavia knows not to push the subject, but decided to say what she wanted to anyways. “No one has filled your seat next to Lexa at dinner, since you left.”

Clarke's eyes perk up getting the real meaning and not needing to hide her feelings about it from Octavia. She is saying that Lexa hadn't been with anyone. “Really?”

“Not a single one.” Octavia says, seriously. “No matter how hard some of the girls tried, she wouldn't extend the invitation.”

“There is no way.” Clarke hands the phone back.

“It's true. I don't know how, it's been three years. I probably would have combusted from sex withdrawal. Sometimes I wonder if she's human.”

Clarke falls back on the couch and throws her arms over her eyes. “Of course it's true. It's Lexa!”

Octavia crawls over and lays down on top of Clarke. “Did you read her book?”

“She's in the middle of reading it to me.”

Octavia groans. “I swear, you guys are sickening.” She can feel Clarke laugh under her, before the laughter turned back to tears.

“I don't know what to do.” Clarke confesses. “I can't change who I am and I still don't want to hurt her.”

Sitting up, Octavia pulls the blonde with her. “Clarke. You don't have to decide right now what you and Lexa are going to be. She would never in a million years…”

“No, I know.” Clarke puts her head on the other girl's shoulder and takes a deep breath. “Do you know why I left?”

The room grows silent for a few moments. “You thought we would all be better off without you.”

“It looks like I wasn't too far off.”

“Clarke, you listen to me right now.” Octavia kisses her sisters head. “None of us are better off without you.”

Clarke lifts her head from Octavia's shoulder, anger and pain showing in her eyes. “You told me last night that my mom has been sober since I left. You and Lincoln are getting married and are starting a family. Aden has a beautiful baby girl. Lexa has a book on the New York Times bestsellers list. You have a new rich best friend who buys you cars… shall I continue?”  
“That is unfair, because all of that means shit without you, Clarke. Everyone misses you. We all have been looking for you and want you to come home. No one is better off without you. Our lives are incomplete without you.”

Both girls are crying and clutching onto the other's hand. “I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm sick of hurting everyone I love.”

“Then come home, because that's the only thing hurting us. So much has changed. See it for yourself and then if you still want to leave then I won't stop you. You can move wherever you want, as long as you leave a forwarding address for me this time.” Octavia lifts Clarke's chin that had fallen. “Please Clarke. Please come home.”

It only takes a few seconds for her to make up her mind. She nods frantically. “I wanna go home.”

  
After only a few more tear filled embraces, the girls finally ordered some food and switched to lighter topics. They talked and laughed for hours, before falling asleep cuddled on the couch.

That's where Lexa and Raven found them once they got back. Lexa helped a drunk Raven to bed, before turning her attention to the sleeping girls on the couch. Octavia wakes up when Lexa touches her arm. “Hey, there is a second bedroom. You guys can sleep there, I'll take the couch.”

Sitting up, Octavia rubs her eyes. “Where's my steak?”

Laughing, Lexa grabs the carry out container from the coffee table and hands it to her. Octavia leans in and kisses Lexa's cheek. “Thank you.” She didn't just mean for getting her the steak.

Lexa nods in acknowledgment and then watches as Octavia stumbles to the other room to eat her steak before she goes back to sleep. Lexa turns to go and try and wake Clarke, but sees that her baby blues are already open. She gets down on one knee so she is level with her. “Hey.” She says in a soft voice. “There is another bed you and Octavia can take for the night.”

“Where are you going to sleep?” Clarke asks, after clearing her throat.

“I'm going to take the couch. Raven gets too friendly in her sleep.” Lexa jokes, then reaches out to smooth Clarke's hair, once she sees a nervous look flash across the girls face.

While she internally debates on what she should do, either go sleep next to Octavia or stay with Lexa, Clarke just stares back at the person she loves with all her heart. She can see Lexa's flower tattoo peaking out under her long sleeves and reaches out to run her fingers along it. “This is coming up soon, if it's in there.” Clarke remembers, talking about the book.

Lexa continues to stroke the pretty blonde hair in front of her with her other hand and doesn’t break eye contact with her Love. “It is.” She confirmed, with a sweet smile at the memory.

A tear falls from each of Clarke's eyes, causing Lexa to wipe them. “A lot is coming up in the book… and a lot has happened at home since I left.”

Lexa was expecting this once Clarke found out about everything that's going on back home. Her mom, Aden and Dez, the wedding, the group home. She wondered how much Octavia had told her. “Do you want to talk about it, Love?” Lexa wants to do so much more than just brush her fingers through Clarke's hair while they discuss all the hard things. She wants to hold her in her arms. Protect her from any pain she might feel during it. And knowing she really couldn't protect her from it, she instead wishes she could hold her to soothe the pain after the fact.

Always, the two of them seemed to be connected on such a higher level than anyone else. They used to be able to tell what the other wanted, without having to say a word. And it looks like their time apart, didn't destroy that, because right after Lexa had thought about holding her, Clarke pulled Lexa onto the couch with her. Then Clarke curled up onto Lexa's chest, before locking their hands together. “No. I just want to lay here with you.”

So that's what they did. Lexa laid there and held on tight, while Clarke quietly cried on her chest. She kissed her hair, rubbed her back and whispered words she could only hope would relieve some of the awful pain. She said everything but the one thing she wanted to say, because she didn't know if it would cause more damage than good. So she repeated it silently to herself. _I love you. I love you, Clarke._

Clarke's cries had long quieted and Lexa had thought she had fallen asleep, so she was shocked when Clarke's soft voice broke through the silence. “Do you hate me?”

Lexa let her embrace tighten around Clarke as she answered this familiar question. “I could never. Never in a million years, Love.”

“What about in a million and one?” Clarke gripped Lexa's hand harder.

“No, Love. Not even then.” She felt Clarke nod against her chest, believing her for the time being.

Everything remained quiet for the next little while. The only sound coming from Lexa's nails as they lightly drifted up and down Clarke's clothed back. “I'm coming home.” Clarke was able to get out, just before she fell asleep.

Those three words were all it took to finally let Lexa take in a full breath, the first in a long long time. She had remained as strong as possible over the last three years. She had only broken down twice. Once during the drunken night with Octavia, when they planned the group home and then when she was writing the night Clarke left, for her book. Now though, hearing those words and knowing they are true this time, she lets go.

Her tears fall silently, as she continues to kiss Clarke's head and breathe in her sweet smell. She cries until she has no more tears left and then falls asleep, knowing the next day would be so much brighter, because at least Clarke was going home.

 

 

 

 

 


	10. This feels like home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. So You keep saying you really like Lexa's narration and I wanted to let you know that I will have plenty more of her story in here. Just not this chapter, Sorry! This one take place in the present time. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Much love  
> Sam

When Clarke opens her eyes the next morning, she finds herself face to face with Lexa, as she is held in her strong arms on the couch. She takes a few seconds to go over everything that had happened over the last couple days, while studying Lexa's perfect face. Before she knew it though, sleepy green eyes opened slowly, meeting her blue ones.

 

“Hi.” Lexa whispers with a smile, as she reaches up and puts some hair behind Clarke's ear.

 

“Hi.” Clarke returns, with a soft grin of her own.

 

“Heeeey.” Two different voices call out from behind them. They both turn to find Raven and Octavia sipping coffee and cuddle together on the love seat across the room.

 

“Is this not the cutest fucking thing you have ever seen?” Raven asks Octavia.

 

“It really fucking is.” Octavia says, winking at her two cuddling friends. Lexa groans, while Clarke hides her face in Lexa's shirt. “But if we want to be sure we don't miss our flight, you two need to get up and moving. There are coffees for you both and the shower is free. We're going to get some breakfast but be ready by the time we get back.”

 

“Ok, thank you.” Lexa says sitting up, before reaching across the table for the coffees. She expected to see Clarke looking nervous since they were about to be going home, but when Clarke sits up to grab the offered cup, she is nothing but smiles.

 

“No fooling around while we're gone.” Raven states in a commanding tone. “We don't have time… then again, Lexa hasn't had sex in centuries so maybe you do!”

 

Lexa stares at her best friend wide eyed. “Raven, what the fuck?”

 

Raven laughs as she walks to the door. Octavia has a little smile as she makes her way over to the couch. She pats Lexa's head before bending down to give Clarke a hug. “Is this ok?” She whispers, meaning leaving her alone with Lexa. When she pulls back, the blonde nods reassuringly. “Ok, then we will see you guys in about an hour.”

 

“We'll be ready.” Clarke says.

 

“Alright. Be good, kids.” Octavia tells them before turning around to follow Raven out.

 

When Clarke turns her attention back on Lexa beside her, she can see the blush still on her cheeks. She loved when Lexa blushed, so on instinct, she brings her fingers up to trace it. Lexa looks down at her coffee, and Clarke knows she is trying to find something to say. It always amused her that she could make her Lexa, the writer who was in love with words, speechless. Sometimes she would help her out by furthering the conversation.  Then there were the other times, because she loved it so fucking much, she would say something to make it worse. At the last second, she decides to help Lexa. “I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be.”

 

“No?” Lexa asks, relaxing a bit.

 

“I mean I am, don't get me wrong.” She lets out a small laugh. “But not as nervous as I would have been a few days ago.”

 

Lexa sends Clarke a proud smile. “That's great to hear Clarke.” She puts her hand over Clarke's, giving it a comforting squeeze.

 

“I'm going to stay at my mom and Aurora’s new place. Octavia said she would stay there with me as long as I need her too.” Clarke says this, while staring at Lexa's hand over her own.

 

“How do you feel about seeing them?”

 

Clarke shrugs. “I miss them and I know my mom is sober, which is surreal to even think… but I don't know. It's just time I went home.”

 

“I’m only a phone call away if it gets to be too much. Or if you just want to talk. I still have the same number.” Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand again, letting her know.

 

Tears well in Clarke's eyes but don't fall. She smiles at the brunette. “Thank you.” Leaning in, she gives Lexa a soft kiss to her cheek. When she pulls back, Lexa gives her a shy nod. “Well would you mind if I hopped in the shower first?” She gets up and grabs her bag. “You can come in there with me if you want to.” Knowing Lexa, she probably should have waited until she was done taking a sip of her coffee, due to the inevitable choking hazard. Clarke rushes over to Lexa, as she chokes and pats her on the back. “Breathe, I just meant in the bathroom with me.”

 

After a few more coughs, Lexa was able to regain her breath. “Oh yea, I know. It just went down the wrong way, is all.”

 

With a knowing smile, Clarke just simply nods before getting up again and heads to go shower. “Well, you can come in the _bathroom_ with me if you want, but no pressure.” Clarke leaves the door open, while Lexa stares towards it debating.

 

Lexa paces in the living area of the suite, as she hears the shower turn on. The two of them always showered together, or at least Clarke would always ask Lexa to be in the bathroom with her. It wasn't always a sexual thing, although there were plenty of times when it was. But Clarke just enjoyed Lexa being near her. So that's why she found herself walking into the bathroom.

 

As soon as she walked in, she froze. The glass door of the shower was completely clear, except for two strategically placed thick clouded bars. So, she couldn't see all of Clarke's naked and wet body, but she didn't need too, her own memory filled in the blanks perfectly.

 

Clarke hadn't seen her yet. Her head was tipped back, allowing the waterfall shower head to soak her hair. The smallest of smiles, told Lexa that she knew though. Lexa cleared her throat anyways. “Is there enough shampoo in there, Love? I can check Raven’s luggage, if not.”

 

“No, there is enough.” She starts to lather up her hair. “Lexa? Do you still live in the barn?”

 

Lexa was expecting a lot of questions from Clarke in this moment, but that was not one of them. “Uhhh no. Aden kicked me out actually, the little shit.” She thought this would get a little smile from Clarke, but there was only a look of worry and concern. “I'll be staying there for a while though.” Lexa adds, while she watches Clarke bite her fingers. Lexa is nervous that Clarke will ask her where she lives and then she would have to tell her. Because Lexa cannot lie to Clarke, but she really doesn't want her to know about her loft in the city just yet. She had bigger plans for that reveal.

 

“Tell me about Dez.”

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, Lexa answers one of the questions she was actually prepared for. “Dez is an absolute angel… when she is around her grandma and Pop Pop.” Lexa adds laughing. “She is incredibly smart, caring and because she is Aden’s… very devious.” Clarke laughs while turning of the water. “She can't even say a sentence, but he has already taught her how to get my car keys and sneak them to him.” Lexa grabs the towel as Clarke opens the shower door. She wraps it around Clarke without even thinking, as it was always what she did in the past. “The fucker has been able to steal my car five times now because of her.” Lexa starts to run her hands up and down Clarke's arms over the towel to help dry her off. She does this for a few seconds before realizing it. Awkwardly, she drops her hands and takes a few steps back. “I'm sorry.”

 

“It's ok.” Clarke adjusts the towel and reaches her hand towards Lexa grabbing her shirt, pulling her back. “It's ok.” Clarke reassured her again while looking up into Lexa's eyes. “I don't know how to act either.” She confesses, while moving herself to be wrapped in Lexa's arms.

 

Lexa doesn't respond and just holds onto Clarke as tight as she can. It's confusing for them both. It's obvious to anyone, but especially to each other, that there is still so much love between the two of them. So it's hard to hold back the caring and comforting touches. Both their bodies, their hearts, and souls scream for the others. It's almost impossible for them each to ignore. But the fact remains, that they are not together. And that's what trips them both up.

 

They stay like that for a long while, just holding on. When they hear the hotel door open and close, they pull slowly apart. Clarke still has Lexa's shirt gripped up in her fist. Lexa puts her own hand over hers. “I'll let you get dressed.” Clarke nods back before taking a deep breath. “You don't have to be afraid, Clarke.” Clarke tries to smile but Lexa knows. “Everyone loves you and just wants to see you.”

 

“I know.” Clarke tells her, before breaking fully away and goes to her bag. “I’ll just be out in a sec.”

 

After squeezing the girls arm, Lexa walks back out to greet Octavia and Raven. The girls had picked up a shit ton of food and had it all spread at the table. “You better hurry up.” Raven say with her mouth full. “Octavia is already on her second container.”

 

Octavia laughs. “That's because I'm eating for two.” She says with a smile, before taking another bite.

 

“What?” Lexa and Raven both say at the same time.

 

“I'm ten weeks.” Octavia says with a big smile before putting her fork down.

 

“What!” The other two say again, excited. Then they both rush the girl at the same time.

 

“I'm gonna be the rich aunt!” Raven calls out jumping up and down. “I'm gonna be the kids favorite!”

 

“Congratulations Octavia!” Lexa tells her soon to be cousin. “Oh wow. Lincoln's gonna be a Pops!”

 

Clarke walks out just as Raven went in for another hug. “I'm going to spoil the shit of of her! It's gonna be a girl, I know it!” Raven exclaimed.

 

Clarke puts her bag down and goes to sit on the couch. She doesn't want to interrupt the celebration between the obviously close knit trio. Lexa notices and calls her over. Clarke shakes her head and that's all it takes for Lexa to understand what's going on. Clarke feels left out. Maybe even replaced? Lexa was going to go talk to her, when Octavia noticed too.

 

“Auntie Clarke, you better come get some of this food before I eat it all. You're lookin too fuckin skinny girl. Seriously, I'm about to be a whale. I need you to gain some sympathy pounds with me.” This earns a smile from the blonde as she gets up off the couch. Octavia pulls the chair sitting next to her out and Clarke hugs her before sitting down.

 

“Oh Lex, your mom's bitch of a campaign manager called me. Said she couldn't get ahold of you, but it was important.” Raven says.

 

Lexa pats her pockets looking for her phone. “Is that any way to talk about someone you're sleeping with.”

 

Raven lets out a fake laugh. “I am not sleeping with Anya.”

 

“Yea and Lexa isn’t as awkward as…” Octavia looks at Lexa. “I actually can't think of anything that comes close to your level of awkward.”

 

“Shake weights.” Raven chimes in and Octavia busts out laughing. “Those shoes with the individual spots for your toes. Waking up in the same bed as your hot ex gym teacher and his equally attractive wife…”

 

“I hate you both.” Lexa says before getting up. “I'm going to go call your lover, Raven. Want me to tell her anything?”

 

“I don't know… choke perhaps?”

 

Lexa laughs as she walks over to the door wall and balcony. She can feel Clarke's eyes on her, so she is sure to give a look that let her know she would be back.

 

“Lexa? Is it true?” Anya says, once she picks up the other end.

 

“Gotta give me more than that Any.” Lexa replies but knows it's about Clarke.

 

“You found her? She's coming back?”

 

“Raven found her, actually. But yea she's going home. I don't really know what's going to happen when she gets home though.” Lexa turns to look in through the door wall and sees Clarke's eye are on her, as Clarke picks at her food.

 

“You're parents are going to freak. I mean, don't get me wrong I'm so fucking happy you found her! But they are going to want to cut this trip short and go see her.”

 

“Well maybe just don't tell them yet. We will be separated after we land. I don't know how much we will be seeing of each other.” Lexa hears Anya laugh thinking it was a joke. “I'm serious.”

 

“I don't get it.”

 

“Get what?” Lexa really didn't feel like having this conversation with her cousin. They had to leave soon and she wanted to spend every second she could with Clarke before she couldn't.

 

“You're Lexa and she's Clarke. What do you mean you don't know how much you will be seeing if each other?”

 

“I don't really have time to explain. Can I call you later tonight?” Lexa bites her lip, hoping her cousin won't push.

 

“Yea of course Lex. Are you ok?”

 

“Yea I'm good. Just don't tell mom and pops ok?”

 

“I won't. I'll talk to you later. I love you kid.”

 

“Love you too.” Lexa replies before hanging up.

 

When she gets back inside, they're all cleaning up from breakfast. Clarke made sure to save Lexa some food. She slides the carry out container across the table when Lexa sits back down. “I saved you my eggs and bacon.”

 

“Thank you Clarke.” She says with a huge smile, making the other girl smile big too.

 

“I know it's your favorite.” Lexa nods before shoveling the rest of the food in her mouth. Clarke continues to smile as she watches Lexa savagely demolish the remaining food.

 

“Alright babes. I have a car on the way to pick us up and take us to the airport. I'm gonna go check out and will meet you guys downstairs, ok?” Raven says as she grabs her suitcase.

 

“I'll get that for you Rae.” Lexa says when she sees her struggling.

 

“It's all good.” She says waving her hand.  “The bellboy is supposed to meet me at the elevator so I can get some more weed off him for the drive to the airport. I'll make his ass take it.” She says before the door closes.

 

Octavia shakes her head back and forth before looking to Clarke. She takes her best friend up into her arms. “God Clarke. I can't believe you're coming home. This isn't a dream right?”

 

Clarke squeezes Octavia back. “No. It's not a dream. I'm so sorry.”

 

“Stop it. It's ok.” She pulls back. “Now. I gotta pee then we can go.” She looks at Lexa with an innocent smile. “You can get my bag for me if you want.” Lexa laughs and nods. “Thank you.” She says, before heading to the bathroom.

 

The room grows quiet, with it just being the two of them. Lexa rubs the back of her neck, at a loss for words. This could be the last time she talks to Clarke alone and she didn't know what to say. She clears her throat, thinking that would help conversation to appear but it doesn't. Clarke moves to start collecting her things, so Lexa helps her while also getting Octavia's bag.

 

“I'm um… I'm also glad you're going home.” Lexa admits.

 

Clarke lets out a nervous laugh, going over to stand closer to Lexa. “I think I am too.” She says while looking into her absolute favorite set of eyes.

 

Lexa wants to ask a selfish question and bites her lip to stop herself. She wants to know if she could see Clarke once they were back home. “You're mom’s new house is in Macomb. It's only about ten minutes away from the lake. So if you need anything, anything at all, Clarke please don't hesitate to call me. I'll be there… if you want me to be.”

 

Clarke nods. “Thank you, but we both know I have disrupted your life enough. Don't you think?”

 

“No. No I do not think that, Love.”

 

The blonde brings her hand up to Lexa's now healing bottom lip, running a finger lightly across it. “I can still see the pain written on your face when I close my eyes. All those times I hurt you. I can't keep doing that.”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “I'm fine Clarke. I understand better. I've learned so much...”

 

“That won't stop you from being hurt again.” She places a soft kiss to the side of Lexa's mouth, before pulling away.

 

“Clarke…”

 

They don't get a chance to continue their conversation because Octavia walks out of the bathroom. “Lets get this show on the road! Clarke fucking Griffin is going home!” She walks straight up to her best friend locking their arms before leading towards the door. Clarke looks back at a still unsure Lexa but doesn't let her eyes linger.

 

 

Clarke does better on the plane than Lexa expected. She wouldn't leave Octavia's side and barley even looked at Lexa. It stung, even though she has been trying to prepare herself for this. Clarke was pulling away and she didn't know what she could do to stop it.

 

By the time they landed, Lexa still hadn't figured out a solid plan, so she decided to try and let it go. Clarke was home. She was safe. Octavia knew how to help Clarke get on the right track with her treatment and will make sure she does it. Almost everything Lexa has wished for daily over the last three years, has come true. What hadn't come true, she knew to be her own selfish desires.

 

Lexa tried to remain strong while they walked through the airport. She joked around with Raven, doing a good job hiding the pain from the first of the little cracks as they spread across her heart. Clarke stole little glances at her, to which she would always respond with a small smile. Because even though she was hurting, she was still happy Clarke was home.

 

Before she knew it, they were packing Octavia and Clarke's things in the back of the Lincoln's Ford Explorer. Lexa hadn't even realized Lincoln was there until he was picking Clarke up into a bear hug. Her throat felt like it was one tight knot and she tried to swallow it away but it wouldn't budge. She tried to keep up with the conversation between everyone but was unable to. So, she just nodded along when she thought it was appropriate. It wasn't until Raven nudges her, that she realizes they were getting in the car to go.

 

“Can I ride with you?” Raven asks her.

 

“Yes. Yes of course.”

 

“Cool. I'll give you two a minute.” She says going over to the passenger side to talk to Octavia.

 

The two former lovers stood there, just looking at each other. Neither wanted to be the first to speak, which was funny because they both knew what was going to be said. Lexa decides to be the one to do it.

 

“I know, Clarke.” Lexa says in a stronger voice then she thought she was able to produce. “And it's not so bad. I'm truly just so glad that you are safe and home. If you change your mind and ever need me…” Clarke didn't let her finish. She took the few steps and pulled Lexa into a kiss. Lexa knew this to be their goodbye, so she doesn't hold back. She strongly grips the back of Clarke's head, holding her close and let's every bit of emotion pour from her lips. She tastes tears and honestly doesn't know to which of the two they belong. The emotional and heated kiss lasts several moments longer than Lexa intended and when their lips break apart their foreheads touch. This is where the words goodbye would normally be said but that kiss was meant to take the place of those words. “Finish the book.” Lexa tells Clarke, who is crying but still nods. It was a long shot but Lexa couldn't stop the little bit of hope, that finishing the book would change Clarke's mind. And in case it didn't… if this truly was the end, she needed to say one last thing, one last time. Lexa has to swallow twice, in order for her voice to come out. “Clarke. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” Clarke sobs before kissing Lexa again. This kiss wasn't a _goodbye_. This kiss was an _I'm_ _sorry._ It didn't last nearly as long but was just as emotional. When their lips broke apart this time, Clarke took a step back. Then another. Her eyes wouldn't leave Lexa's as she continued her backward march towards the car door. Her eyes beg Lexa to forgive her.

 

So she does. Of course she does. “It's ok.” Lexa sends Clarke her trademark comforting smile. “It's ok, Love.” Clarke nods before breaking their stare and climbs into the SUV.

 

Raven walks over to Lexa, throwing her arm around the taller girls shoulders as Clarke drives away. “You all right?” Lexa shakes her head no. “You wanna go home?” Another head shake. “It's almost noon. You wanna just go get drunk?” This time, Lexa nods her head yes.

 

 

 

 

Octavia hopped in the back seat the second they took off, in order to comfort a crying Clarke. Lincoln watched on in the rear view mirror with concerned eyes for both the blonde and his cousin who he had to leave at the airport.

 

“I had to do it.” Clarke says in between sobs. “I have already put her through so much. So fucking much.”

 

“I know, Clarke.” Octavia has Clarke in a hug on the bench seat. She rubs her hand soothingly up and down her friends back.

 

“She doesn't deserve it, O. She's so fucking good to me and what have I given her in return.” She pulls back and starts to list the things on her fingers. “Heartbreak. Anger. Sleepless nights…”

 

“True love.” Lincoln adds from the drivers seat. “Pure happiness. The feeling of belonging. Purpose...”

 

“Lincoln.” Octavia warns him before turning back to Clarke. “There will be time to figure it all out, Clarke. All she has wanted was for you to be happy, home and safe. Just focus on getting back in to the swing of things here, then you can decide what's going on with you and Lexa. You haven't even finished the book yet.”

 

Remembering she had promised herself she would read the end of the book before deciding on what to do, Clarke nervously brings her finger to her mouth. Her head was swimming, she was so confused and she was finding it hard to breath. Her heart started to race at a pace to rival that of a hummingbirds. She looks to her best friend for help.

 

Octavia starts to rub Clarke's back again in a big, slow circle. She takes in a deep breath and urges Clarke to do that same. She has learned how to help others with anxiety over the last couple years from the support groups and in the group home. “That's it Clarke. Just breathe in and out when I do.” Octavia says in a soft voice.

 

Clarke reaches for Octavia's spare hand and holds it tight while she tries to calm her breathing, her heart and her mind. She already misses Lexa. Always did when they were apart but she couldn't focus on that. Instead she focused on breathing in and out with Octavia, until her heart steadied out as well as her breath.

 

“You just gotta take it one day at a time. That's all you have to do.” Octavia says, while brushing Clarke's cheek. “And today, were just going to see your mom. Which when did that become the lesser of any two stressors? What a weird world this has become.”

 

Clarke busts out laughing before wiping her eyes. “It's madness I say!” She says shyly shaking her fist in the air.

 

Octavia just stares back at her while it's Lincoln's turn to laugh. “Lincoln it's not funny. I seriously think your cousins awkwardness has rubbed off on her. This is a serious concern for me.” Clarke just laughs and lays her head on her friends shoulder.

 

_One day at a time, Clarke._ She tells herself.

 

 

When they pull up to her new and very nice two story house, Clarke is more than ready to see Abby and Aurora. They were both waiting outside with a welcome home sign and Clarke was out the car door before it was even stopped. She ran straight into her mom's arms.

 

“My girl, my baby! Clarke honey, you're home.” Abby says while gripping her daughter tight. She smells Clarke's hair and is shaking from being so happy.

 

“I'm so sorry mom.”

 

“I know Clarke. I know, me too.” Abby admits while kissing her daughters head. “We can talk about all that later, just let me hold you. My god, I can't even believe it.”

 

Aurora can't take it anymore and gets in on the hug, before they take the homecoming inside the house. Walking through the attached garage Clarke notices how nice the house is. “Wow you guys, this place is beautiful.” Their kitchen was new, open and updated. It was the nicest and biggest house she had seen, that didn't belong to a member of the Woods clan.

 

“Hello Clarke.” The strangers voice catches her off guard and takes her away from admiring the home. “My name is Marcus Kane. I'm a good friend of your mothers.” He walks in from the living room that is open to the kitchen. He holds his hand out for her to shake, which she does.

 

“Hello. It's nice to meet you.” Clarke looks immediately to Octavia who gives her an apologetic look, having forgot to inform Clarke of this new person.

 

“I've heard so much about you. I'm so happy to finally meet Abby’s daughter. Welcome home.”

 

“Thank you.” Clarke says before looking to Octavia. “Can you show me where the bathroom is?”

 

“Sure can!” Octavia says quickly before locking her arms with Clarke and leads her through the house and up the stairs. “Clarke I am so sorry!” Octavia says as soon as they close the bathroom door. “It's the baby I swear, it's making me a little scatterbrained.”

 

Clarke had her arms crossed as she paced. She was fuming! But it instantly went away when she looked at how sorry Octavia was. Plus, Clarke was the one who left without telling anyone where she was going. If she would have been around, she wouldn't have needed someone to tell her that her mom had a boyfriend. Clarke drops her arms. “You're really so quick to throw my unborn niece or nephew under the bus already?”

 

A smile graces Octavia's face. “Well duh. You would never hurt them.”

 

Clarke smiles back. “I can't be mad and I'm sorry that I started to be. I left to begin with, it's all on me.”

 

“I still can't believe it slipped my mind. He's a really good guy though and I hope you can give him a chance. But if you don't want too I completely understand and will hate him right along side you or whatever you want.”

 

Clarke is silent for a few seconds while she thinks it all out. “Are they serious? Is he good for her?”

 

“They have been getting pretty serious. He is heavily involved in the program, having fifteen years clean, I think. He is super fucking nice and really cares for your mom. Also, he rich as fuck and has a sweet ass fucking cottage up north that he lets us use whenever we want.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

Octavia nods. “I mean we gotta make sure he's not using the cottage…”

 

“No.” Clarke laughs. “I meant seriously he is nice and really cares about her?”

 

“Oooh, that. For sure.”

 

Thinking it over for only a few seconds, Clarke nods. “Ok. Then, I'm happy for her.”

 

“Yea? That's great.” Octavia makes her way over and wraps her arms around Clarke hugging her quickly before pulling back. “Ok. Now I gotta pee. Get out so I can use your bathroom.”

 

Clarke raises an eyebrow. “My bathroom?”

 

A huge smile makes it's way across Octavia's face. She walks around Clarke and opens up the other door in the bathroom, which leads into a bedroom. “Yes, it's true! There are houses out there that have more than once bathroom. It's crazy!” Octavia laughs at her own joke before turning the light on in the room.

 

Once she does, Clarke takes in a sharp breath. Her drawings from her old room are scattered around the walls, much like they had been in their Detroit house. There was a very expensive drafting table set up, with all sorts of new art supplies surrounding it. The bed in the room was not her old twin bed but a huge queen sized one instead. Clarke goes over to one of the beautiful wooden dressers and opens it up.

 

“There are some new clothes scattered in there but I made sure to keep anything I thought you couldn't part with.” Octavia tells her. “We tried to keep it as much the same as we could.”

 

After closing the drawers of the dresser, Clarke moves over to the drafting table. “This had to have been super fucking expensive. Where did all of this come from?” Clarke looks over at Octavia but already knows the answer. “Lexa.”

 

Octavia nods. “You will find more presents in the closet. Every missed birthday and Christmas. Some of them are wrapped and I have been waiting a really long time to see what they are... so maybe later we could…?” She stops when she sees the sad look on Clarke's face. “Hey?”

 

“No. I'm fine. I just…” Clarke shakes her head back and forth before taking a deep breath. “I'm fine. This is all great, I can't believe you did this.” Clarke turns herself around the room. “Thank you.”

 

“It was a joint effort. It's been this way since they bought the house. We wanted it to be ready for when you came home.”

 

“I love it.” Clarke means it and hoped it showed in her smile.

 

“Girls!” Aurora calls out from downstairs. “Dinner is ready!” 

 

“You wanna go eat downstairs? We can eat and hang out for a bit. Then we can come back up here and I can help you arrange the room the way you want it.”

 

Clarke laughs. “It's actually perfect. I don't want to change a thing.”

 

“Good. But I'll meet you downstairs. I still gotta pee.” Octavia turns and runs back to the bathroom.

 

 

Dinner had been a little awkward at first, with everyone trying to tip toe around everything. It didn't last too long though.

 

“So you work on the line at Ford?” Clarke asks Aurora before taking a bite of the pot roast her mother had made. She hadn't ever remembered her mother making it before as it wasn't cheap, but she found it to be very delicious.

 

“Yep. Gus got me in and trained me personally before he retired.” Aurora sat proudly in her seat. “I run circles around all those boys.”

 

“I wouldn't expect any less.” Clarke says. “What about you mom? Are you working?”

 

Abby looks to Marcus with a smile before looking back to her daughter. “I am. Marcus funds a rehabilitation center. I work there as an aid while I finish the schooling needed to become a counselor there.”

 

“Mom? Wow. I don't even know what to say.” Clarke stares with her eyes wide at her mother.

 

“Clarke I promise you, I haven't had a drop of alcohol since you left. Indra helped me out by sending me to the rehab Marcus funds. It really helped and opened my eyes. The people there were amazing and I knew that's what I wanted to do. So I enrolled in classes as soon as I was out.”

 

“Is that how you two met then?” Clarke asks her mom.

 

“No actually. Marcus is a good friend of Indra’s. I never met him while I was in rehab. We met at the Woods Christmas party last year.”

 

“That's great mom.” She was happy for her mother but as Clarke looked around the table, she realized how much everything and everyone had changed. Marcus wasn't the only stranger she was looking at. They all felt a little like strangers to Clarke. Well besides one person. One person who wasn’t there. The thought made her chest ache and it took everything in her not to clutch at it. Feeling her heart start to race, she tries to excuse herself. “I don't want to be rude because you went through all this trouble for me, but I'm feeling a little tired.”

 

Abby shakes her head. “Clarke go lay down. Get some rest. We have all the time in the world now. I love you honey.” She gets up and kisses her before grabbing her plate to take into the kitchen. Aurora gets up and does the same before helping to clear the table.

 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

 

“No that’s ok. I'm probably just go to fall asleep.” Clarke get up and looks to Marcus. “I hope to see you again soon.” She meant it. He seemed like a good guy and made her mother happy. She walked around the table giving both Lincoln and Octavia a hug and kiss goodnight before going to get her bag and charcoal case. Octavia meets her at the staircase and holds out her phone for Clarke.

 

“Just in case you wanna call or text anyone. Aden has been texting me nonstop, wanting to talk to you. We can go get you a phone tomorrow if you want.”

 

“Thank you, O.” She hugs and kisses her best friend one more time. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight.” Octavia smiles as she watches Clarke walk upstairs.

 

When Clarke closes her bedroom door, she is able to take in a deep breath. She puts her bag on her bed and takes the case to the beautiful drafting table. The more she looked at it the more she thought the table looked hand made. The wood was dark, looking old and distressed. It reminded her of the wood from Lexa's barn. She runs her fingers along it, amazed that it was as smooth and as flat as it needed to be. There was a drawer on the left side, another indication of it being home made. Not a lot of left handed people out there.

 

She opens the top drawer and closes her eyes when she sees an envelope with her name on it. She knows the handwriting well. When she opens them again, she reaches out for the letter Lexa had left. Before she can change her mind she opens it.

 

 

_Clarke,_

_Today is your twenty first birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! So I wanted to give you something special, to go along with this milestone._

_I know you can draw any where, as long as you have your sketch pad but I thought you deserved your own little space too. I used some left over wood from when pops and I renovated the barn because I know how much you liked it. (Plus pops has been hounding me to clear it all out from the shed so, two birds)_

_I've never made anything from wood before, so forgive the little imperfections throughout. But I can't wait to see all the beautiful and breathtaking art you create while sitting here. Which reminds me, I also tried to make you a matching stool… yea. That didn't come out so good so I'll buy one that will actually hold you up and not send you tumbling to the floor like the one I made. Although it was priceless when it happened to Aden when he sat on it._

_Just want you to know I miss you and hope wherever you are, that you are enjoying your day. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well Clarke. I hope to be seeing you soon._

_All my love,_

_Lexa_

Clarke reads the letter over and over while tears fall. Why did she have to be the way that she was? Why couldn't she be normal, so she could be with Lexa and not have to worry about hurting her. Clarke couldn't help but think these things as she sat on her bed, wishing things were different.

 

When Octavia's cell phone vibrates next to her, it draws her out of her head. She picks it up and sees a message from Aden. She doesn't hesitate to open it and smiles immediately when she does. It was a picture of a pouting Dez. Her hair was all wet from a bath and she was in pajamas with the old English Detroit D on them. Another message quickly followed.

 

 

**Aden:** Dez says pleeeease

 

 

Clarke scrolls up through the messages to see what he is talking about.

**Aden:** come on just send me one pic of her

 

**Octavia:** no sorry you know she doesn't like her picture taken

 

**Aden:** sneak one

 

**Octavia:** no I'll try and get her to come over tomorrow or you and Dez can come here

 

**Aden:** please

 

**Octavia:** no

 

**Aden:** please

 

**Octavia:** no

 

**Aden:** pleeeEEASE!

 

**Octavia:** no

 

Then Aden had sent a picture of himself pouting.

 

**Octavia:** haha nice try that only worked when you were little

 

 

And that's when he had sent the picture of Dez pouting. Clarke laughs at Aden’s antics and wishes he was there so she could hug and see him. But he wasn't. So she pulled up the camera on Octavia's phone and decided to try and take a picture for him. Octavia may not be affected by his pout anymore but Clarke sure was.

 

 

 

“Holy fuckin shit!” Aden yells as he opens up his phone. He is sitting on the couch feeding Dez while Lexa and Raven are playing a heated match in Call of Duty.

 

“What! Did you find the sniper? Ah shit! There he is. Fuck!” Raven sighs as she waits to respawn.

Lexa laughs at her friend's misfortune. “What's up Aden?” She asks, not taking her eyes off the screen. She was in first place and was trying to take out the sniper from the other team. “There you are…” She had seen him fire and was lining up her scope to take him out.

 

“Clarke just sent me a picture.” Aden says.

 

“What? Really?” Lexa drops the controller, forgetting all about the sniper and the game. “Let me see!”

She goes to grab his phone but he pulls his hand back before getting up off the couch.

 

He had Dez in one arm and walks over to her Pack and Play, placing her in it. “I can't do that Lex. This was a private picture meant only for me. She is my daughters Godmother which makes her my Godwife. That is a sacred thing.”

 

Lexa hops up off the couch. “For the last time, her being the Godmother of Dez does not make her your wife!”

 

Aden starts backing up slowly, as he smiles reading the text message that went along with the picture. “Aden you're so grown up and handsome! Dez is so fucking beautiful! I can't wait to meet her and see you! I miss and…” He looks up at Lexa before reading the next part. “Looove you.” He shakes his phone at Lexa. “It’s all right there in text. She thinks I'm sexy as fuck and loves me.” He takes off his shirt and holds his phone out.

 

“What are you doing?” Lexa say, stalking closer to Aden.

 

“Just given wifey what she wants.” He starts flexing his muscles but finds it hard to do that and take a picture at the same time. “Hey you mind takin the pic for me? I want to make sure she sees my eight pack.” Lexa and Raven both laugh. “What?”

 

“You’re such a cute little guy.” Raven calls from the chair, still playing the game Lexa had abandoned.

 

Lexa reaches her hand out for the phone and Aden hands it to her before flexing again. She exits out of the camera and goes back to the message to see the picture of Clarke. Her heart stops once she sees her. It's a close up selfie and Clarke was smiling shyly, with her blue eyes shining bright.

 

“Lex.” Aden says in a strained voice.

 

It draws her away from the picture. “Ok. Hold up.” She sends the picture to herself before pulling the camera back up. Lexa was going to take the picture because she knew Clarke would get a kick out of it. “There you go.” She hands the phone back to him.

 

“Oh yep. That's a good one. Thanks Lex. My body is like a work of art, don't you think?” He says before sending the picture.

 

“Yea.” Raven calls out. “Like a macaroni necklace. Or when they first let kids use the scissors and glue. Just amazing… shit! Lexa get the fuck back over here I can't take this fucking sniper out!”

 

 

The three of them stay up until after midnight playing video games and Aden talked a little bit more with Clarke. Lexa fell asleep on the smaller couch, giving Raven the bigger one so she could stretch. Aden got the upstairs loft since it was technically his house since Lexa no longer lived there.

 

At about three am, Lexa's phone started ringing, waking her from a deep sleep. “Hello?” Lexa says with a scratchy voice.

 

“She left. I can't find her!” Octavia says over the other end.

 

“What?” Lexa shoots up off the couch. She is only wearing her sports bra and shorts so she grabs a hoodie hanging on a stool in the kitchen. She throws it on before looking for her keys.

 

“I don't know where she is. All of her things are still here but not her. I'm so scared.”

 

After throwing her shoes on, Lexa heads for the door. “Don't worry, I'm going to find her.” Lexa says just before she opens the front door. “I found her.” Lexa says two seconds later as she sees Clarke fast asleep on the outdoor chair a few feet.

 

“What? Seriously.”

 

“Yea. She's here.” Lexa walks over to Clarke and notices her book is clutched in her arms. “I'll call or text you back in a few.”

 

“Ugh. I'm going to kill her when she gets home! But also give her a kiss for me and tell her I love her.”

 

Lexa laughs. “Will do.” She says before hanging up. She bends down in front of the blonde and strokes her hair and face lightly. “Clarke.” She says softly trying to wake the blonde up. Blue eyes open and Lexa can't help but smile. “Hey there, Love.”

 

Clarke shoots up in the chair and rubs her eyes before shivering. “I didn't mean to fall asleep out here.” Lexa takes off her hoodie and drapes it over Clarke, who shakes her head. “No Lexa, you… you have nothing on.” Clarke fumbles over her words, after getting a good looks Lexa's exposed body. She swallows and has to drag her eyes back up to the concerned green ones staring back at her.

 

“I'm fine. Or we can go inside if you’d like? Aden, Dez and Raven are all asleep in the barn but my parents house is empty if you wanted to talk. I could make us some coffee.”

 

Clarke looks towards the house before returning her gaze to Lexa. “I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…” She covers her face while she takes a deep breath before dropping her hands. “Coffee sounds amazing.”

 

Lexa smiles before standing up and holds out her hand to help Clarke up. Then they both start walking to the main house. Lexa remains quiet during the walk, knowing Clarke might need the silence to gather her own thoughts.

 

Once they walk through the kitchen door, Clarke freezes. She closes her eyes and breathes in the smell of the house. Thousands of happy memories flood her because of it. This felt more like coming home to her.

 

Watching her, Lexa stays still, letting Clarke soak it all in without distraction. When Clarke opened her eyes, they found Lexa's instantly. “My new house doesn't feel like home. Even though almost all my old stuff is there, it still felt like a strange place.” Clarke goes to the huge granite island and pulls out a stool. It was the same one she always sat in when she was helping Indra with dinner, or just wanted to talk with her while she was cooking. “This feels like home.” She takes in another breath. “Smells like home, too.”

 

Lexa walks to coffee maker hitting the automatic brew before walking over to the island and takes her own seat next to Clarke. But she doesn't say anything. She didn't want to interrupt Clarke’s train of thought.

 

“Everyone is different too. I almost feel like they are strangers not family.” Clarke taps the island, having a hard time getting out what she wanted to say next. “Except you, Lexa. You don't feel like a stranger to me.”

 

“I don't?”

 

Clarke shakes her head. “I know you are probably getting whiplash from me and I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to do and I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. I'm just so confused. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to try and read your book… oh and my table.” Before she knows what she is doing, Clarke leans in and kisses Lexa. “Lexa it's so beautiful! I can't believe you made that. Thank you so much.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “I have been trying a bunch of different hobbies. Pops helped me with it though. I'm glad you like it.”

 

“No I love it. It's so thoughtful and truly beautiful. I definitely don't deserve it.”

 

“Yes you do.” Lexa tells her seriously.

 

Clarke decides to ignore her urge to fight Lexa on the subject and instead just continues on. “But I’m sorry for just coming here like this. I couldn't sleep, so I tried to read your book. I could hear your voice saying the words in my head as I read them. But it wasn't good enough. I wanted to actually hear your voice saying the beautiful words you wrote, out loud. I want to be next to you as I hear our story unfold.”

 

Lexa reaches out and grabs Clarke's hand. “I can do that. I would really like to finish the story with you.”

 

“I'm sorry for being so crazy…”

 

“Clarke.” Lexa says in a firmer voice than normal.

 

“What you can't say I'm not being crazy.” Clarke challenged back.

 

“You're not.” Lexa replies in finality.

 

“Ok fine. Difficult than. Undecided. I'm just sorry for doing this to you.” Clarke's eyes showed true remorse.

 

Getting up off the stool Lexa grabs Clarke's face in her hands. “You do not need to apologize Clarke. Not to me. I want you here, even if it's just to finish the book.” Clarke nods and Lexa fights the urge to bend down and kiss her. She pulls away though and goes to grab two coffee cups. She makes them each their own before turning back around giving Clarke hers. “Now come on. I know just the spot where we can read.” She grabs the book and shoves it under her arm. Then she reaches her free hand out for Clarke to grab, to which she does without hesitation.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. The Flower and the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Ney Years friends! Sorry this update took longer than normal to get out. It was partly due to the holiday and partly because I had a 10,000 word update for my other story... sorry! But I also wrote a pretty lengthy chapter for this update :) 
> 
> Thank you for all your continued kind and amazing words, you have no idea what it means to me! I hope you enjoy
> 
> Much love in 2017 my friends!

After Lexa grabbed Aden’s hoodie he had left inside and the blanket off her mother’s couch, she lead Clarke through the dining room, to the glass French doors that led into the back yard. She was excited to show Clarke the newest addition to her parents house.

“Look right over there Clarke, just before the dock.” Lexa tells her before she flips the switch on the wall near the doors.

“Oh wow!” Clarke tells her, before hurrying up out the doors.

Lexa smiled before following Clarke to the wooden gazebo that sat in the backyard. There were fairy lights strung throughout, so you had light while in there but it wasn't so over powering that you couldn't see the view of the lake in front of it.

“Pops wanted to do something special for mom for their thirtieth anniversary this last year. So, after we did your table, he assumed we could build mom this.” Lexa says reaching for Clarke's hand to help her up the steps before following behind her.

Clarke's eye were wide with excitement as she walked around the gazebo. “You guys built this?”

Lexa smiles proud while she nods. “Aden, Pops and I. We worked on it at my uncles house so it would be a surprise. She cried when she saw it.”

“He’s so sweet. No wonder you turned out the way you did.” Clarke added the last part quietly as she looked out to the lake. After putting her coffee on the banister, she closes her eye again. Doing the same thing as when she was inside the house, Clarke takes in a deep breath through her nose. “I forgot how quiet it is here.”

“Give it time. Aden’s still asleep.” Lexa jokes.

Turning her head, Clarke gives the brunette a soft smile. “I've missed this place.” She turns back to the lake. “I miss the bonfires and swimming in the lake. I miss papa’s booming laughs and mom's hugs. I miss family dinners.” Clarke takes a deep breath. “I miss being here with you.” She puts her hands up to her face, covering her eyes.

Lexa cautiously takes the couple steps that separated her and Clarke. “We're here now, Clarke. I'm right here with you. I can light a fire. We can go swimming but it's dark. You won't be able to see the fish.”

Clarke laughs softly. “They always nibble on me.” She defends.

Lexa laughs too and wants to take the other girl into arms while doing it. “I know. They like you. But seriously, we can do whatever you want.”

Clarke looks at Lexa before looking back to the lake. “I want you to keep reading to me. Then maybe once it's light out and I can see the fish, we can go swimming.”

Lexa smiles as Clarke brings her coffee and sits on the built in bench, facing the lake. “Sounds like a plan.” She takes a seat next to the blonde and covers them both with the blanket. “So you said you were reading, where did you leave off?”

“Start of chapter six.” She tells Lexa before taking a sip of coffee. “I didn't get very far.”

“Good.” Lexa whispered. She wanted to read all of her written words to Clarke. Lexa opens to the page, before chugging a little bit of her own coffee. She clears her throat before starting. “Chapter six…”

 

_Chapter 6- Forever_

_“I'm with you. No matter what else you have in your head I'm with you and I love you.”_

_Ernest Hemingway- The Garden of Eden_

_It was Saturday morning, the day of the big family dinner and I was at the gym. I was meeting with a former client of Lincoln's about possibly taking over her training. Her name was Ontari and she was starting to make a name for herself and for some reason, had asked for the meeting with me specifically._

_The meeting was set to take place at noon. It had been quarter to noon and I was watching Clarke pace back in forth in my office._

_“But what if they don't?” She asked for the fifth time. She was talking about my parents not liking her._

_“They will, Clarke. They are very excited to meet you.” I was sitting in my office chair and grabbed her wrist when she paced by me again. Pulling her into my lap I kiss her before she could say anything else. “Stop worrying, Clarke. Everything is going to be fine. They are going to love you.” She stroked my face while looking in my eyes, trying to find a lie._

_Not finding one, she kissed me softly. “I don't have anything nice to wear. What if they mistake me for the help?”_

_“Clarke…” I laughed. “We don't have help.”_

_“Yea right. In that big house?” She groans. “What kind of impression do you think it would make if I accidentally flashed your father while reaching for the crab cake or whatever rich people eat.”_

_I tried so hard to keep the amusement from my face. "Well I think I would need a little bit more information before I could determine the impression it would leave. Now, why would you be flashing my father?”_

_“Because I don't have anything to wear.”_

_I nodded up and down. “Right. So you will be attending the dinner naked then? I can't say that I hate the idea entirely.”_

_She reaches her hand under her leg and on to my thigh, giving it a squeeze. I am very ticklish there, which she happened to find out fairly early on and used it to her advantage shamelessly. “No I’m not going naked.” She says after I was able to get her hand away from me and my laughter under control. “I could borrow something from Octavia but we're not exactly the same size in certain areas.” She looks down at her perfect breasts causing my attention to go there as well. A goofy smile spread on my face that she saw and decided to kiss off me. “If I could even get them squeezed in to one of her shirts there's no telling that they will actually stay put.”_

_“As amazing as that sounds, there is another option. You could let me buy you a new outfit.”_

_Clarke turns her head slowly and squints her eyes at me. “We haven't had our first fight yet, so I'm going to let you off just this once and forget you just said that.”_

_“What did I say?” I asked her as she climbed out of my lap._

_She walks over to the futon and grabs her bag, throwing it over her shoulder. “I’m not a charity case, Lexa.”_

_“That's not at all what I meant Clarke. Am I not allowed to spend money on my girlfriend?” I checked my watch and saw I had five minutes until my meeting._

_She shakes her head no and comes over to where I'm standing. “I’m going home to tear apart mine and Octavia's closets.” She grabs my chin and kisses me goodbye. “Good luck with your meeting. Come by after? I'll be the one crying in the corner of my room.” She gives me another kiss before turning around to leave and waves goodbye._

_She made it half way down the stairs when the garage man door opened and my new possible client walked in. The girl had her long dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, big hoop earrings, was wearing designer jeans to match her designer bag and sunglasses. Before Clarke, this would have been the type of girl I would have tried to take out for a night of fun. But after Clarke, well… nothing. Clarke was all I wanted. Other girls didn't even register on my interest scale, unless it was for business._

_I walked down the stairs to meet her, escorting a glaring Clarke along the way. I turned my head a little in confusion as Clarke stared daggers at me once we reached the landing. Before I could find out what was wrong she grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in for a hard kiss. I was a little dizzy when she pulled back but watched her silently walk the rest of the way out as the recipient of her heated gaze switched to Ontari._

_Once the door was shut, Ontari took off her sunglasses to which I found a knowing smile on her face. “I… sorry? I'm actually not sure what that was.” I reach my hand out to her. “Lexa Woods.”_

_She nods and shakes my hand. “That's quite alright. I'm rather used to that look. It's nice to meet you finally. I'm actually a big fan.”_

_I didn't think it was possible for me to more confused. “I'm sorry? Did you say fan? Of whom?”_

_She laughs. “Yes, I said a fan. And of you, of course.”_

_“How? I mean thank you but also… how?”_

_“I have seen you at some of the Breast Cancer charity events and others. You're very good. Very quick and deadly… even if you don't follow through with it.” She starts to walk further into the gym looking around. “You built this place yourself?”_

_“I did.”_

_“Very impressive. Is it just the one ring?”_

_“Thank you. And no, I have a smaller room for private sessions.” I let her follow me so I could show her._

_Lincoln had been using the room everyday for his own training, which was part of the deal for his help, so she actually was able to see the room being used. He was sparring with Nyko, who was padded pretty heavily. We sat and watched them finish the round before wanting to interrupt. I caught sight of Octavia glaring at me in the corner watching Ontari and I. She was texting away with out even looking down at her phone. I felt a little like a dog as I cocked my head to the side in question… again. I had no idea what was going on._

_“Way to go baby!” Octavia called out once the two fighters had broken apart. Lincoln turns to his girl and points to her._

_“Thanks babe.” He says once he spits out his mouth guard._

_Octavia jumps up on the side of the ring to give him some water. He kisses her once he is done drinking and turns to finally catch sight of us._

_“Ontari! Hey, glad you followed through and called Lexa.” He tells her as he gets help with getting his gloves off._

_“Oh you guys know each other?” Octavia asks Lincoln._

_“Yea babe. I got her started in the sport. She took one of my self defense classes and I knew she had what it took. Hooked her up with a coach that didn't work out.” He turns back to Ontari. “Sorry that Dave didn’t work out.”_

_She shrugs. “No one knew he would just up and disappear. Not your fault Linc. I learned what I needed and what I didn't, I hope to learn here.” She turns her attention to me. “I would really like to train here with you, if you'd have me. I know your dad was an amazing fighter and taught both you and Lincoln. I want to be able to fight like you and I won't take no for an answer.”_

_I heard Octavia snort to the side of me which made me finally realize what had been going on. “Yes. I think that could be arranged. Why don't we go up to my office so we can discuss the specifics.” Octavia wouldn't take her eyes off me as I led Ontari out of the room and to my office. “Forgive me if this comes out as unappreciative or even rude because that is the last thing I want… but can I ask why me?” I close the door and offer her a seat._

_“Well like I said, I know you were taught by a real fighter. I have seen you in your fights and want to be able to move as fast as you and hit as hard. You seem to predict every punch coming at you and have never lost. I love that you keep up with and train with the men. And… I can keep fangirling if you want?”_

_I laughed while shaking my head because honestly, it was a little surreal. “No, please. You have been too kind. I need to be honest with you Ontari, I have never trained someone with your skill level before. I would only feel comfortable with this if we do it on a trail basis. Give me a few weeks and if you or I feel like you are way out of my league talent wise, we find you someone else. My dad has a lot of connections so it wouldn't be a problem.”_

_Ontari had smiled back before nodding. “I said I wouldn't take no for an answer and that was not a no. I think this went well. When do you want to start?”_

_“How does Monday sound?” I said standing up and holding my hand out for her to shake again._

_"See you Monday.” She smiled and shook my hand back._

_I escorted her back downstairs and to the door and when I turned around I had Octavia standing behind we with her arms crossed._

_“Woods.” She eyed me up and down._

_“Blake.” I returned in the same fashion._

_“I'm watching you.” She said as I walk past her to go back up into my office. I just laughed because there was no need. I was completely and utterly enamored with Clarke. I was falling hard… fuck. Who was I trying to kid? I had already fallen. I fell fast and hard and instantly._

_When I got up to my office I tried to do a little paperwork so I wouldn't fall farther behind with it. I was spending all of my free time and some that wasn't so free, with Clarke. I didn't regret it at all honestly. I was able to work at night when she slept and got up early to work as well. I was completely happy with the situation. Then thinking about working around Clarke made me miss her. So, I laughed at myself before packing up my laptop so I could head over to her house._

_While I was walking to her house, I saw Aden’s step father Pike was outside. He already had two empty forties sitting next to him and was using his third to chase a pint of vodka. He flipped me off, so I waved politely back before he was out of sight. I made sure to keep tabs on the fuck. He hadn't caused any additional problems at that point._

_When I knocked on Clarke's door, Aden was the one who answered it. He had a half smoked blunt in his mouth and was digging his good hand in a box of cereal, eating it._

_He nods at me. “What up?” He asked with his mouth full._

_I reached for the blunt and took it from him, checking to make sure there wasn't chewed up cereal on it before I hit it. “Nothing much. How's your wrist today. I could see what I assumed to be part of a metal hanger sticking out of his cast._

_“It itches like a mother fucker.” He takes the blunt back from me. “Clarke is in her room, going a little crazy. She's throwing clothes all around an cursin your name. Just a heads up. Good luck.” He steps aside so I can walk past him._

_"Thank you.” I said as I made my way to Clarke and Octavia's room._

_Clarke wasn't kidding when she said I would find her crying in the corner of her room. I threw my laptop on one of the piles of clothes sitting on Octavia's bed. “Clarke?” I asked._

_"This is so stupid!" She yelled before throwing a random stuffed animal at me. I caught it and set it down before going to sit next to her._

_“What is, Love?” I went to put my hand on her leg and she slapped it away. “What's wrong? Is this about the outfit?”_

_Her head had been on her knees and it snapped up so quickly, I was scared she may have hurt something. “It's not just about the fucking outfit! It's about me!” She said before putting her head back down. I could tell her tears were real, so any initial amusement I was having was immediately snuffed out._

_“What about you, Clarke? What's going on? Talk to me, Love.” I reached to touch her again and that time she had let me._

_Her head slowly popped up and I wiped her tears. “You really think we should be together?” She asked and it caught me completely off guard, which caused a delay in my answering. She had taken my silence as agreement. “See I knew it.”_

_Clarke tries to get up but I grab her wrist keeping her down. “Clarke? I'm not sure I'm following but I do believe we should be together.”_

_She laughs sarcastically and rolls her eyes. “You belong with someone like her.”_

_“Like who?” I was really slow to catch up and she gave me a look to let me know how irritated she was because of it. It clicked seconds later, that she meant Ontari. “Clarke. I want to be with you. I belong with you, not Ontari or anyone else.”_

_She laughs again. “Yea. Look at me Lexa. Pike was right. I'm just trash. A whore who…”_

_“Clarke.” The tone in my voice caused her eyes to widen a bit. “He was not right. That is not at all what you are and I don't want you to think that way.”_

_Fire was building behind her eyes. “What? Truthfully? You don't want me to think the truth Lexa?” She goes to get up again and I let her. “Look at my clothes.” She points to the small pile she was sitting on. “They are rags. You see them? Huh?” She points to them again. “You wouldn't even give these to your dogs to lay on.”_

_“Well I don't have any dogs…” I'm pretty sure she was trying to make me spontaneously combust with the look she gave. “Clarke, there is nothing wrong with your clothes.”_

_“I shop at goodwill.” She challenged._

_“So do a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with that.”_

_“There is everything wrong with that Lexa!” She covers her face with her hands. “I'm not good enough for you. For your family. I don't have money or fancy clothes. I take the fucking bus. I don't get to eat if my mom gets ahold of the EBT card and uses it on booze instead of our food…” She falls down on Octavia's bed. “I don't have designer bags or sunglasses like that girl today. I don't even own sunglasses! Which means I'll have crows feet by the age of twenty one!” I get up and go sit next to her, throwing my arm around her as she buries her face in the crook of my neck. “I'm not even really sure what crows feet are, I just heard someone say that this one time.”_

_I let out a little laugh and squeeze Clarke as tight as I can. “None of that matters Clarke. Not to me, not to my family. You need to stop worrying, Love. It is needless. My family is going to love you for all that you are, as I do. They don't care about clothes or where you shop. Heck, my dad has this one white Tshirt he has had for years and still wears it every Saturday.” She had pulled back to look at me, a small beautiful smile lingered on her lips. “It has yellow pit stains and everything. Oh and his boots! Clarke I swear to you…” She brings her hand up to my cheek and turns my head so she could kiss me. It must have caught me by surprise which showed on my face. It didn't take long to find out why she did it._

_“You just said you loved me.”_

_I froze and my eyes went wide. I couldn't remember if I had said that or not. In my head, I went over everything I had said, wanting to roll my eyes when I remembered I had said the word heck, as well. Awesome. But anyways, I realized quickly that I had actually said that I loved her… technically. “No?”_

_“You didn't say it?”_

_“No. Well, yes technically but no.” I could feel my heart race and face redden which made her smile grow. “Yes and no…” The devilish grin should have given her away, that she was just fucking with me. She was giving me an out and yet, I let the stupid words fly out of my mouth regardless. “I do though. I have since the night we met, I'm pretty sure. Which I know sounds crazy because well, it is… probably. No, it is. But it's true and that definitely was not how I wanted to say it for the first time.” She wasn't smiling anymore which made me swallow hard. “So, in conclusion, I said it but didn't say it. Ok? Can we go with that?” If possible, my heart started to beat even faster. All I could think was that I just fucked all of it up by coming on too strong, too fast and freaking her the fuck out because of it. I wiped the sweat from my brow, letting out a nervous laugh before I went to go say something to try and backtrack. She stopped me by putting two fingers to my lips._

_“Lexa.” She grips the back of my head and gives me the softest kiss before pulling back only an inch. I took every one of her breaths for my own, while I waited for her to continue. While I waited to see if I ruined everything. “I love you too.” She spoke so softly I wasn't sure if she had actually said something or if I imagined it._

_I kissed her anyway and then showed her how much I loved her… on Octavia's bed. (Sorry Octavia, when you read this)_

_  
After our verbal confessions and physical declarations, Clarke seemed a lot happier. We were laying together in a tangle of limbs and scattered clothes and I was honestly close to falling asleep._

_“Lexa?” Clarke said quietly, while laying on my chest. “You know that's not my ass right?”_

_“Hmmm?” I lifted my head and saw there was some kind of faux fur coat laying across Clarke's back and ass, that I had been absentmindedly stroking. Her whole body bounces up and down from the loud laughs I couldn't help but let out. I reach for it and hold it up trying to hide how ugly I thought it was._

_“It's Octavia's.” She confirms and I sighed. “This is all the stuff in the never pile.”_

_“Thank god.” I said looking around all the clothes. “Clarke, can I tell you something?” I felt her nod. “Money doesn't mean anything to me, and before you tell me that it's because I have it, let me explain. You not having money, doesn't influence my feelings for you in the slightest. I would feel the same about you, if you had all the money in the world.” I could feel her tense up, readying herself to argue. “And to prove the fact, I want to ask you a question. Would you feel the same way about me if say tomorrow, I had lost it all?”_

_She sits up so she could look at me. “Yes. I don't care that you have money.”_

_“Well, I don't care that you don't. And you know what? Even if you did have money, I would still want to buy you outfits to go to dinner with my family or just gifts in general.”_

_“You would?”_

_“Yes. I like giving gifts and not all of them will be things I purchased either. I promise. Just let me take you to go get something, it will be fun.”_

_She thinks about it for a minute and then finally nods. She leans down giving me a kiss before hopping out of the bed. “Ok fine. But only if we can mess around in the fitting rooms.”_

_  
We did end up messing around in a few of the dressing rooms but also found the perfect outfit for Clarke. I promised to stay with her until it was time to go, luckily having a spare change of clothes at the gym._

_Octavia was going to the dinner straight from Lincoln's, so we were in charge of bringing Aden with us. “Ok Clarke, I appreciate that you got me the cereal. I am. But I'm just saying Neaties I don't think are the same as Wheaties.”_

_“Yes they are. It's just the generic version.” She defended._

_“Clarke. The kid on the box, is holding a participation medal, not a gold one.” He tells her and I couldn't help but laugh._

_Clarke eyed me so I shut up instantly. “Well I'm sorry Aden. But the Wheaties were an extra two dollars.”_

_He slumps back into the back seat. “I don't feel like I'm putting on any muscle.”_

_“The cereal isn't what would help you do that.” I told him. “I have some protein powder you can have that will help you once we start training.”_

_“Yea?” He says perking up._

_“Yes. Once we start I will go over a ton of stuff with you. I can get you the food for the right diet.” Clarke looked at me and I tried not to look back. I had been planning to fill her fridge up with Aden as the excuse. I knew she would kill me if she found out it was to help keep them all fed._

_“Really? Like what are we talking?” He asked._

_“Well you want lots of meat for protein, healthy fats, greens. Don't worry kid, you will be eating good.” I looked in the rear view mirror and saw his eyes widen before he licked his lips._

_"Alright, cool. Thanks Lex.”_

_When I finally looked at Clarke, I couldn't tell what she was thinking or if she was upset. I put my hand on her thigh which made her look at me. Seeing her eyes, I could see she was a little angry but wasn't going to stop me. Aden would be fed and I could tell that's all she wanted._

_When we pulled up to my house I heard the gasp Aden had let out. “Holy fucking shit Lex. Is that a mansion? You rich as fuck dude! I fucking knew it. Where's the yacht parked on the lake? I just wanna see it. I won't steal it I swear.”_

_Clarke looked at the house and took a big deep breath. “You ok?” I asked her once Aden got out of the car. She nods and gives me a forced smile. “Don't worry, Love.” I reassured her before we got out. I gave her a quick kiss and took her hand before we made our way to the front door._

_My mother met us as soon as we walked in. “Hi mama.” I told her giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I want you to meet Aden and Clarke.”_

_“Hello Aden.” She gives him a small nod. “Clarke.” She says with a smile. “I have heard so much about you both. Thank you for coming and welcome to our home. I hope you are both hungry.”_

_“I'm fuckin starvin…”_

_“Aden!” Clarke scolds._

_He looked confused on what he had said. “What?”_

_“Watch your language.” She tells him._

_“Sorry.” He says with a shrug._

_My mom just lets out an amused laugh. “It's quite alright Aden. Gus will probably say much worse things throughout the night, I assure you. Aden, would you go with Lexa to put your jackets in the guest room.” She turns to Clarke. “Would you like to help me in the kitchen?”_

_Clarke looks to me first before back to my mother. “Uh, yes Mrs Woods. I would love to.”_

_“Right this way.” My mom winks at me as Clarke hands me her bag and jacket. She looked absolutely terrified._

_“It's ok.” I whispered before I leaned in and kissed her cheek also giving her a comforting smile. I watched her walk away and when I lost sight of her, I turned around bumping straight into Aden._

_“Lex. Real talk… how the fuck did you get these rich people to adopt you? I need me a rich family. Hook me up dude. The fuck?” He scolds me about being selfish and hoarding all the rich folks for myself while we take the stuff to the guest room. To be honest, if he didn't have a broken wrist, I probably would have tripped him when we went back down the stairs._

_So, mom wouldn't allow Lincoln or I in the kitchen, said she wanted to get to know the girls. I was happy that at least Clarke had Octavia with her. But let's eat honest, I couldn't stop from staring any time I caught a glimpse of pink and purple hair from the couch Aden and I were sharing._

_“Yea, I agree with you. Nothin beats Detroit Muscle.” Aden told my dad as they got into a discussion about cars._

_I gave him a look. “You told me you have a soft spot for imports. You ask me to give you my car at least once a day.”_

_He looks nervously to my dad. “So I can take it down to have it stripped, so you will buy a domestic car. This is the Motor City Lex. Show some pride, would ya.”_

_I decided to be nice and just nod at his obvious lie before taking a sip of my whiskey. He wants to impress my dad, so I could help the little fucker out a bit._

_My dad started telling Aden about his 49’ Ford truck he had been trying to restore and took him to the garage to see it. Lincoln was watching an old UFC fight that I really wasn't too interested in, so with nothing else to hold my interest, I tried to sneak into the kitchen._

_I could hear Clarke laughing my favorite full fledged laugh and stopped just at the corner so I couldn't be seen. I wanted to just enjoy the sound…_

_“Lexa. Don't you sit and hide over there. If you're not going to listen to what I said and stay out, then get your ass in here and help.” I don't even know how she knew. Mom powers or something._

_I tried not to blush when I turned the corner and into the kitchen. Clarke hid her smile as she sat on one of the stools at the island and watched me. I waved like a dumbass… but did you really expect anything else?_

_She was peeling potatoes and I could tell she was having a hard time with the peeler. So I walked over to stand behind her and put my hands over hers to show her the correct way. “You want to use your forefinger and your thumb to stabilize…” I position them for her. “And then bring the peeler back towards you.” I pulled my hands back after we did a much bigger chunk then what she was doing before._

_“Oh yea, that's much easier.” She gives me a sweet smile and kiss before peeling the potato the way I had showed her. “Thank you.”_

_"Your welcome.” I kiss the side of her head and turn around to see both my mom and Octavia staring at us with almost the exact same look on their faces._

_“I told you.” Octavia whispered to my mom._

_“Told her what?” I reached for a few chunks of cheese my mom was cutting for the salads._

_She slaps my hand with hers, away from the cheese. “Don't worry about it. Would you please set the table?”_

_“Of course.” I tell her before heading to the cupboard. I stacked all the plates, salad bowls and silverware in a huge stack._

_“Lexa.” My mother warned, as I picked up the tower of dishes._

_"Mom, don't worry. I got this.”_

_“The famous words you spoke on Christmas 2008, right before you destroyed half of my grandmothers china.” I know she has her arms crossed without even looking._

_“Hey.” I defended, as I started my slow and steady walk to the dining room. “That wasn't my fault. Lincoln and Pops shouldn't have been playing with the air soft guns in the house. They got me right in the eye but I stood my ground to save what dishes I could.”_

_My mom laughs. “That's true.”_

_“And, also why were not allowed to use the good china unless Pops is gone.”_

_My mom laughs again. “Also true. Giant rambunctious men who act like children, should not be around priceless family heirlooms. Just be careful.”_

_“I got this.”_

_"I still don't trust you. Clarke, maybe you should go with her just in case. I'll take over with the potatoes.”_

_When Clarke caught up with me she reached for the bowls and took them off the stack. "I'm having a great time.” She whispers to me before kissing my cheek._

_“Yea?” I set the plates down on the table and started placing them in their spots._

_Clarke followed behind me with the bowls. “Yea. Your house is so beautiful and your mom is so funny and nice.” She was putting the bowls on the plates. “Am I even doing this right?”_

_“Yes, that is the correct way, Clarke.” I was finished with the plates and reached for all the silverware. “The salad or soup bowl goes on top of the plate. If you have a bread plate it would go to the left up here.” I show her the spot. “And our drinks will go on the right.” She is nodding along and looks pretty interested, so I give her the salad forks. “The forks go on the left, knifes and spoons on the right.” We walk around the table together and I can't help but let my graze hers during our task, as much as possible. And not just because of the little smile that Clarke made every time I did._

_When we were done, she went to go head back into the kitchen but I reached for her hand and spun her around into my arms. “I'm so happy you came tonight. Thank you.” She doesn't say anything, just stares back at my lips. Then she kisses me softly before I let her go back to join my mother and Octavia. I decided to pass the rest of the time before dinner on going to check on Aden, since I hadn't heard him in a while._

_“Seriously, you're both such pretty girls. Seem nice enough. What are you doing with these two fools?” My dad points to Lincoln and I, who are on either side of him as he sits at the head of the table “Is this some kind of charity?”_

_The girls laugh. “Yes, that's exactly it.” Octavia agreed._

_“What about you, Rainbow Bright? Did you lose a bet or something?”_

_She laughs again. “Or something.”_

_“I’m pretty sure she just got sick of Lexa and her endless pining.” Aden says in between huge bites of his second full serving of dinner._

_“Yep. Definitely.” Octavia agreed._

_“I heard her confess it too. Sorry kid.” Lincoln chimes in._

_When I look to Clarke she has a playful look in her eye. She shrugs. “You caught me.”_

_“Did she pine hard?” My mom asked._

_Aden, Lincoln and Octavia all three tipped their heads back and groaned dramatically, causing my parents and Clarke to bust out laughing. Me however… yea. I wasn't as tickled. Even if it was true._

_“Well Clarke, you must be someone very special. I don't recall there ever being a time Lexa had pined for anyone.” My mom tells her._

_It had been my turn to groan after that._

_  
Dinner had gone pretty smoothly after that. Lincoln and Octavia offered to take Aden home and hang around their house to watch Clarke's mom for the night. Clarke and I had stayed there almost that whole week and I still hadn't officially met Abby. Clarke wouldn't let me near her mother's room while she took care of the woman, which I understood._

_Since we didn't have to go to Clarke's that meant we could stay in the barn, which I was more than a little excited about. I didn't mind staying at Clarke's, I just missed my big bed._

_We were sitting with my parents after everyone had left, having a nightcap with them. Except for Clarke, she never really drank that much. Understandably._

_“Dinner was amazing. Thank you so much for having me, Mr and Mrs Woods.” Clarke was saying as we cuddled on the love seat, across from my parents who were doing the same thing on the couch._

_“Oh please, Clarke. Call me Papa. Like this one used to, before she got too cool for it and started calling me Pops, breaking my fragile heart.”_

_She slaps my leg. “Lexa.”_

_I laugh. “What?”_

_“You're breaking Papa's heart.” She teased._

_“Ah, it's ok though. She lets it slip out occasionally. When it counts.” He smiles at me before getting up. He reached his hand out to help my mom. “But I believe it is time for this old man to get to bed. Come my dear heart. You know I cannot sleep without you.” He kisses my mom, who had an eyebrow raised at my dad. He bellowed out a laugh before turning to Clarke. “Yea, ok so that's a lie. I sleep anywhere and everywhere at anytime. Sometimes even while standing up.”_

_“Clarke, it was very nice to meet you. I hope to see you again very soon.” My mom hugs us both and so does my dad._

_“Goodnight kids.” He says before they head upstairs._

_“Goodnight.” We both reply._

_I finish my drink and put it on the table, giving Clarke a kiss on the head. “Well, I'm wiped. Do you wanna head to the barn and get some sleep?”_

_I woke up at about three in the morning to an empty bed. I could hear the water running in the kitchen, so I got up to see what was going on, watching the scene play out from the top of the loft._

_Clarke was in nothing but my old boxing T-shirt that she always wore to bed and was scrubbing my cabinets with a washcloth. I looked around and saw that wasn't the only thing she had done. My dishes had all been pulled out of the cabinets and looked to be re washed. She had the broom and the hardwood floor steam cleaner out and my floors were shining bright._

_She turned when she heard me coming down the stairs and looked surprised. “Oh Lexa, I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?” She asked before turning back to her work._

_I walked up behind her and put my arms around her. I kissed the back of her neck, causing her to hum out in pleasure. “No, Love. You didn't wake me. But can I ask why you are not in my big comfy bed right now?”_

_“I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep. And I remembered that you have been staying at my house these last couple days and I didn't want your house to be neglected. So, I thought I would clean a little bit for you.”_

_I nod against her shoulder, where I laid my sleepy head. “I see. Well, thank you. But you didn't have to do all this?” I looked around and saw that practically everything had been deep cleaned. “Did you sleep at all?” It looked like she had been at it for hours._

_“No, but that's ok. Sometimes I just get in a cleaning type of mood. Oh yea! Do you have a washer and dryer in here? I can do your laundry.” She's finished with the cabinets and moved away from me to ring out the washcloth._

_“No. It's in the main house. But don't worry about that Love. Come back to sleep.” I went to grab her again but she side stepped away._

_“No it's ok. I was about to dust all your books. Which, you have so many of them! It's like a library in here._

_I laughed and nodded. “Yes, a lot of them belonged to my Grandpops. But you do not need to dust them, Love. Why don't you come back to bed with me? If you're still not tired I can give you a massage or…” I raised my eyebrows at her. “Something else to tire you out.”_

_She walks over and put her arms around my neck and hums again. “That sounds nice.”_

_I nod and start walking backwards with her still hooked on to me. “Mhmm. Very nice.”_

_We had to break apart once we reached the stairs. But it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened… considering Clarke reached to take her shirt off once…_

 

Lexa clears her throat, looking away from the pages of the book. “Sorry Clarke. There is…this part has uh…” Lexa starts flipping pages. “We can just skip the sex part.”

Clarke turns away from her to look out at the lake before letting out a small laugh. “I remember it well anyways.” She turns back to me with a sad smile. “And that this was the start of my first manic episode.”

Lexa looks up from the book hearing the words. She marks the book and gives Clarke her full attention. “Would you like to stop for a bit? We could go for a walk.”

The blonde debates for a second before shaking her head. “No, it's ok. It's not even the bad one.”

“We could still take a break. I could use a warm up.” She holds her empty coffee cup upside down and pouts at Clarke. “If you want, we can go inside so I can get a second cup of coffee and then we can go hang out in the theater room downstairs.”

“Theater room? When did you get one of those?”

"The weekend after Aden and Pops went to Raven’s house for the first time and saw hers.” Lexa holds her hand out for Clarke. “You wanna see it?”

Clarke takes a look out at the lake one last time before reaching for the offered hand. And doesn't let go of it on the walk back inside the house.

The theater room was in the basement of Lexa's parents house. It used to be a bedroom that no one used after Lexa moved into the barn at eighteen.

“Wow. It's huge!” Clarke laughed when she sunk into one of the huge leather recliner chairs.

Without thinking, after she put her coffee on the table, Lexa sat down in the same chair as Clarke. “I like to sneak down here and nap sometimes.” She flips the foot rest out so they recline all the way back. “This thing is insanely comfortable.”

Laughing, Clarke turns on her side, throws a leg over Lexa's and puts her head on her chest. They are both quiet for a few seconds before Clarke speaks, breaking the comfortable silence. “How did you meet Raven? You guys seem really close.”

Lexa nods. “We are pretty close. She's been a really good friend to me. I met her a few months after you left, actually. Not in the greatest of ways.”

“What happened?” Clarke can't stop herself from reaching for Lexa's hand. She always needs to keep her own hands busy and loved playing with the brunette’s long fingers.

“Well, Raven loves bikes. Motorcycles I mean. But I was driving on I-75 one night and I saw a bike fly past me. Well, you know me… someone goes fast I need to keep up. So I dropped gears and hurried up after her. Before I could reach her though, an SUV side swiped her.” Clarke gasps and sits up so she could face Lexa. “I thought for sure she would have been dead when I pulled over. The fucker just kept driving like nothing happened, even though I know he had to have felt it. But, when I got to her, I saw that she was still alive just hurt very bad. I called 911 and waited with her. She was going in and out of consciousness, just cracking jokes trying to keep _me_ calm.”

“Oh my god. What happened? I mean, obviously she is alive but…”

“I followed them to the hospital after giving my statement to the cops. I wanted to make sure she was ok, or if she had family I could tell them what happened, but it turned out she didn't have any family. So I stayed with her. She had some debris from the accident pierce her spine and a ton of broken bones, internal bleeding but she made it out. It took her a few days to wake up but I waited there with her until then.” Clarke was close to tears, so Lexa squeezed her hand. “When she woke up, she started cracking more jokes and we just hit it off. I know she's a little… different.” Lexa laughs. “But she really is a great person. I moved her into my parents house during her recovery, so she wouldn't be alone. And well, we have been best friends since.”

“So is that why she wears the brace?” Clarke asks.

“Yea. When the doctor told her she would never walk again she laughed in his face, and said watch me. She worked really fucking hard, pushed herself to the max for almost a year and did it.”

“So that's what she meant when she said my life wasn't the only one you had saved.”

“She said that? I didn't save her life. I called 911 and just became her friend.” Lexa says, shocked.

"You have no idea what you mean to everyone.” Clarke says shaking her head back and forth. “How good you are. What having you in their life does.”

“I could say the same for you.” Lexa says, truthfully.

Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa expects this to be the start of a very familiar argument but the blonde remains quiet. She looks down at Lexa's hand still in her lap. “Can we read some more?”

“You sure?” Clarke nods before cuddling back in the chair with Lexa. “Ok, Love.” She flips through the book and finds where she left off. “I skipped past the sexy stuff.” Lexa teased before continuing.

 

 

 

 

_I'm not sure how much sleep Clarke actually got, even though I tried my hardest to wear her out the night before. I was woken up to breakfast in bed, which hey I'll never complain about that! But, she seemed to be in one of the best moods I had seen her in since the night we had met._

_“I wanna go into the city today. Do you have any plans? Maybe we can go to the Riverwalk and walk around. Oh!” She slaps my leg while I took a bite out of my toast. “Or! We can go to heidelberg project! Have you ever been?”_

_“No, I cant say that I have been to either. I don't spend much time in the D.” I had just enough time to grab the coffee cup off the tray before it was ripped from my lap and replaced with the amazingly delicious body of my girlfriend. She was straddling me so that I had to give her my full attention._

_“You've never been to the Riverwalk?” I shook my head. “Hart plaza?” I shook my head again and she threw her head back. “Techfest?”_

_I laughed. “Nope. Didn't need too. I hit up the after parties and…”_

_“What? There is no and. You've never been to techfest?” She closes her eyes and starts swaying her hips from side to side before bringing her arms up. “You've never felt the music with hundreds of other people, dancing in a sea of glow sticks?” She stops her dancing and opens her eyes getting a mischievous look. “It's also my busiest weekend.” I'm pretty sure she meant for selling weed because I know first hand for a lot of people, techfest is about three things; music, drugs, love._

_"I'm sorry to disappoint you Clarke.” I joked._

_She shook her head and leaned in to kiss me. “No, you could never disappoint me Lexa. Never ever.” She kisses me again. “You're so amazing and I honestly love you so much.” Another kiss that I welcomed. “We're going to be together forever, did you know that?”_

_I smiled at her enthusiasm. I had never seen this side of Clarke before. The optimistic side that also had so much energy. “With any luck, you won't get sick of me.”_

_“Never.” She promised before she got up and off me. “So, are you busy today? Do you want to go with me?”_

_I put my coffee down and stood up next to her. “Nope. We're gonna go to the city.” I’ll never forget the smile she gave me after I agreed, as long as I live._

_Even after I had had my third coffee, I still couldn't keep up with Clarke in the city. We walked all around and she would stop every so often to draw something she had seen. I didn't mind though. I loved watching her draw and I loved that she seemed so happy. I was seeing a whole new side of her and Detroit. It had been truly an unforgettable day._

_When it was time for dinner, I tried to talk her into letting me take her to Fishbones for seafood or La Dolce Vita for some Italian but she wouldn't let me. Instead she took me to Lafayette Coney Island for some chili dogs._

_Clarke had only taken two bites of her food, as she was too hyped up to eat. She was telling me the entire story of the heidelberg project, that she already told me while we were there but she was so excited, I didn't mind listening to it a second time._

_"A lot of people see it as junk just plastered to a bunch of abandoned houses but it's not. It's art and beautiful. Don't you think?”_

_“I thought it was remarkable, Love. Thank you for showing me and sharing it with me.”_

_She smiles big. “You're welcome.” She looks to the side out the windows and turns back, getting an idea. “You know what we should do?”_

_“What should we do?” I asked, laughing. Her good mood was definitely contagious._

_“We should go get tattoos. I know you have a couple, but I don't have any. And I love looking at yours and maybe I should get one!”_

_How could I refuse, when she looked at me the way she had? I couldn't. I wouldn't. And I loved tattoos anyway._

_  
I was able to convince Clarke to go to my tattoo guy and not some random place. He did amazing work and I had gotten every piece I had from him. We searched through endless books of tattoos at the shop but neither of us could decide on anything._

_“Maybe you should get something that you drew.” I suggest, while patting her bag that held her sketchbook._

_“Oh that's a good idea!” She flips through her book and lands on my favorite photo. The one of the beautiful wilted flower._

_“What about the flower?” Clarke shakes her head vigorously at the idea. “Why not? I love that picture.”_

_“No, I can't get that one. Maybe I should just draw something new.” While I flipped through another book, stared at the blank page in front of her for a few minutes, something I had never seen happen before. Then she turns to me. “You really love that flower?”_

_I tried to hold back my smile. “I really do. It's actually my favorite flower I have ever seen and I think you should get it. If not, can I?”_

_Her eyes went wide. “What? No. No no no. You can't get it.”_

_“But it's my favorite.” I was just trying to mess around a bit, but she looked down and away shyly. “Hey.” I said, gaining her attention back. “I was only playing. It's your art and although it is my favorite, it's still yours.”_

_“It's me, Lexa.”_

_“I'm sorry, I don't understand.”_

_She looked down at her hands again and started coloring her thumb with the black chunk of charcoal she held. “It's me. That flower, it's me. So you probably shouldn't get it, because you won't want me on your body for all time. That would be crazy.”_

_When she looks back up, I raise an eyebrow. “Really? I want you on me, in me...”_

_She rolls her eyes and pushes me. “Stop it, you know what I mean.”_

_"I’m sorry. Yes, I know what you mean. But it also doesn't change my mind. I would still get it, if you let me.”_

_She hadn't been looking at me, instead had been putting her thumbprints on the paper. Looking up suddenly, she grabs my hand and starts coloring my own thumb. Then she places it to the paper, connecting our two thumbprints to make a heart. “See, I told you.” She kissed me before ripping out the page._

_“Told me what, Love?” I brush my fingers through her hair while I wait for her to answer._

_Clarke taps the paper. “I told you we would be together forever.” I got another kiss before she went to go give it to Kendall so he could make the stencil of our thumbprint heart._

_When she got back, Clarke caught me staring at the flower picture. “Lexa?”_

_“Hmmm?” I run my hand over it lightly, seeing it in a whole new light. It was Clarke._

_“If I have you on me, you can have me on you. If you really want it.”_

_I raise my eyebrows again and stand up, moving in front of her. Pulling her close, I couldn't help myself from leaning in her ear. “I want you on me, in me…”_

_“Lexa!” She throws her head back so I peppered her neck and throat with kisses, before making my way up to her lips._

_“I’m getting the flower.” I told her, as I rubbed the tip of my nose to her temple. “And you're getting the heart.”_

_Throwing her arms around my neck, Clarke kissed me breathless. “I told you.” She tells me again. “Forever.”_

 

 

 

 


	12. Have a Little Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Smaller chapter to make up for my long hiatus before the last update. These next couple chapters are going to be very hard for me to write so I'm sorry if the updates don't come so quickly. But I promise they will come, just need to take it slow for my own sake. 
> 
> Thank you a million times for sticking with me and this story and ALL of your kind words.
> 
> Much love  
> Sam

_Chapter 7 – Bow out_

  
_“She’s not the kind of girl you choose your battles for. She’s the kind of girl you fight to the death for.”_

_Colleen Hoover, November 9_

_After we got our tattoos, Clarke was not ready to go back home yet and I was in no position to tell her we had to. We were both having so much fun, I didn't want it to end. She asked if we could go back to the city, that she wanted to show me something. Of course, I said yes and headed back that way._

_Clarke had me park on a side street in Corktown and I was only mildly nervous that my car would be stolen. When I locked it three times she just laughed at me before taking my hand and leading me to her surprise location._

_Turns out Clarke was taking me to the abandoned train station. It had been vacant for years and well, just between you and I my friends, I was a little worried. It was huge, dark and I heard it was a favorite hangout place of vagrants throughout the city. Also, don't give me shit about being a little scared ok? I grew up in the safe little suburbs and I was more concerned about something happening to Clarke, rather than myself. I could protect her if I needed to, but what could I do against multiple people that probably had guns. I'm not even going to mention about how growing up, I always heard it was haunted. Or I guess I did mention it. Forget I wrote that._

_Anyways, when Clarke saw the concern on my face when we arrived she pulled me in for a kiss while she walked backwards. “Don't be scared.”_

_“I'm not.” Would have been more believable if I hadn't said it in such a high pitched voice… whatever. Like I said, I was only worried about something happening to her._

_I'd never been to the old train station before and I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but when we snuck through one of the broken windows, my jaw dropped. “Holy shit.” The place was huge! I couldn't see all the detail from far away, but the moonlight did shine through enough that it helped me see the details if I was up close. The old vaulted ceilings were really something to look at and the pillars next to where we snuck in, seemed to go on for miles. I didn't know what was more beautiful, the original designs in the marble walls or some of the graffiti that had been spread throughout out._

_I felt Clarke's eyes were on me and when I turned to her, she had a huge smile on her face. “What do you think?”_

_“I'm speechless, Love.”_

_“I like to picture what it would have been like when it was first open.” She grabs my hand and takes me all around showing me part of the ground floor. “Can you picture it? Everyone dressed up in their old time clothes, waiting for a train that was going to take them on an adventure to someplace new and exciting.” I tried to keep my focus on what she had been showing me and to imagine what she was seeing but it was hard. And if you knew my Clarke, you would know why. It's next to impossible to see anything besides her, especially when she was so bright and happy._

_She went to go lead us to explore some more but I pulled her back. “Wait.” I wanted to kiss her but I couldn't stop staring at her. The way she looked in the soft light of the moon, it had me frozen where I was._

_“You're staring Lexa.” She whispers to me while I pull her closer still._

_“I can't help it, Love.” I couldn't. Clarke was the most enchanting person I have ever met. I could never and would never tire of her. Every single second I spent with her, was special. I cherished them all._

_“We snuck into a hundred year old abandoned building, in the middle of the night, so we could explore and see all this forgotten beauty. Why are you wasting your time here, with staring at me?”_

_I shook my head slightly. “None of this compares in the slightest to you, Clarke.”_

_I don't let my eyes leave hers because I knew she was searching them for a lie. But she wouldn't find one. She smiled before placing a soft, lingering kiss to the side of my mouth. “Can I show you something?”_

_I nodded and let her lead me to wherever she wanted. We walked up a ton of stairs in pitch black stairway to about the sixth floor. Luckily I had my phone for some light. Clarke held on tight to my arm the entire way up and I couldn't stop smiling. Once on the floor she wanted, we broke off and went down a not as dark hallway. There were windows on this floor that shone in the light from the moon. She led us further down until I could see a huge pile of thin flat pieces of concrete tiles all piled up high almost to the ceiling. “It's called the egg.” And that's exactly what it looked like. But also, low key like the most challenging and dangerous version of Jenga I could ever hope to play._

_When I got closer to it, I could see that it wasn't concrete that was stacked but marble. “Oh wow.”_

_“Pretty cool huh?” Clarke watches me as I look the egg over. “It's made off all the old marble that broke off and was just scattered around.” She runs her hand over it. “It gives me hope, that even if something's been broken and shattered into a million pieces, it can still be beautiful if seen by the right eye.”_

_I knew she was talking about herself and I couldn't stop from looking down at my wrist, to my new tattoo. “Clarke…”_

_Footsteps suddenly broke through the silence from the stairwell as someone joined us on the floor. Two someones actually, because a few seconds later we could see beams from a pair of flashlights and I started to sweat. Not for me but for Clarke. I could handle the trespassing charges with one call to my mom she would have us both out in an hour but I still didn't want to put Clarke through all the trouble._

_“Scatter!” I said before thinking, keeping my eyes on the lights coming closer towards us._

_Clarke just stared at me with the most amused smile on her face. “Lexa.” She whispered. “They are blocking the only way you know how to get out, we should not scatter. You would get lost or hurt.”_

_“I don't want you to get in trouble.”_

_This made her smile widen before she grabbed me for a quick kiss. “You're sweet but have a little faith in me, would ya?” She took my hand and started leading us through the darkness._

_“We know you're up here!” The cops or security called out._

_“Then come and get us!” Clarke yelled out before she pulled me into another stairway I didn't know was there. When we heard the men start running, so did we. Clarke's laugh was infectious as we made our way down to the first floor._

_We didn't stop running until we were far enough away that the officers gave up on chasing us. Clarke was laughing so hard, she couldn't catch her breath. “See. Just needed to have a little faith in your girlfriend.” She said before I kissed her fiercely._

  
_After our little adventure, Clarke's good mood had carried over into the next few days. We had stayed at her house those nights, which worked out because I had to be to the gym early to meet Ontari._

_Clarke wasn't sleeping and I had never seen her house so spotless. Every morning I was greeted with my favorite smile, a sweet kiss and a huge cup of coffee, before I had to leave._

_Things were going really well that week, Clarke was as happy I had ever seen her. Which I arrogantly attributed to our new romance. I foolishly thought my original assumption was right, she just needed all the love I had to give her, in order to be happy. But we will get to that soon enough._

_Another thing that had been going well, was training with Ontari. She was easier to teach than I had thought and really liked my ideas on where we could take her training._

_It was our fourth session and by the end I had her lying on the mats, completely spent from a cardio heavy routine. When I teach, I do everything I expect that person to do with them, so I was pretty out of breath myself, but I was still standing. I pushed her extra hard that day and had decided I wanted to keep going with it, if she was up for it._

_“So, I have decided…” I handed her a water bottle. “If you're still on bored, I think we should make this thing official.”_

_She sat up fast, excited. “Yea?”_

_“Yes. The original agreement can still stand. If at any point one of us feels like I am not giving you what you need, I can find you a suitable replacement.”_

_Ontari stands up and reaches her hand out for mine. “That's fair. Thank you, Lexa.”_

_“Not a problem.” I went to put some of the equipment we had used away, when she cleared her throat._

_“Well now that it's official… there is something I have to tell you. Before Dave left, he had entered me into a pretty serious fight. If I do well, it could really boost my standings and sponsors.”_

_“Hey! That's great! How long do we have?”_

_She looked guilty. “Three months.”_

_“Three months?”_

_“Yes. Do you think that's too soon for me?”_

_I shook my head. “No not at all. You're a very skilled fighter for the short amount of time you have been training for. We can bump up our training time after a couple weeks. That will give me time to find some other girls you can spar with…”_

_“Well I can be like you and just spar with the boys.” She seemed confident and I wasn't lying, she was very skilled._

_“Ok. I'll talk to Lincoln and see if any of them are brave enough.”_

  
_By the time I was done with training it was almost dinner time. I was starving and wanted to see Clarke, so I wasted no time jogging over to her house. She usually texted me all throughout the day, but that day she hadn't. So I was eager to see how her day went. And hold her… kiss her… hear her laugh… Plus I couldn't wait to tell her about Ontari. This could really put my gym on the map if I had two good standing fighters using it as their home gym._

_When I got there Aden was on the porch smoking. He looked tense and his head was down. “What's up, Aden.”_

_He looks up and I could tell he seemed worried. “I gotta talk to you about something. It's about Clarke…”_

_My heart sped up and I looked to the front door. “Is she ok? Is she here?” He stands up and on instinct, I balled my fists and planted my feet. That's how I defended myself and for some reason it had felt like he was going to attack me, just in the form of saying that something had happened to Clarke._

_“She's here… kind of. I don't know what's going on with her. The last time she was like this… I don't really know if I should be the one to tell you this because it's her business or maybe she already told you.” He scratched his head while he thought some more._

_“Her scars?” His eyes perk up and he nods. I fly past him and into the house. Some how, I was able to remain calm as I walked in. Abby was on the couch, drunk and was asking me who I was. I didn't stop to talk to her though, just kept walking straight to Clarke's bedroom._

_When I got to her door I opened it immediately, not sure what I was about to find. My eyes zeroed in on her as soon as I did. She was on the floor drawing and was so into her work she hadn't even realized I had barged in. I took a second to look around, noticing there were dozens of new drawings sprawled out on the beds and floor. Looking back to Clarke, I can hear her talking to herself as her hand flew across the paper._

_“Clarke?” I tried, to no avail. She didn't turn around, I don't even think she had heard me. “Love?” I said a little louder and that time it caused her to look around in confusion. Her eyes went wide with excitement when she realized who I was and jumped up and into my arms._

_“Lexa.” She said in her seductive voice, before she attacked my lips. I let her kiss me but had to stop it when she tried to take it further. When I pushed her away, I was able to take in her full appearance. Her hands, hair and face were all smudged with charcoal, like she had been at it for days. If I hadn't been so concerned, it would have been one of the sexiest images I had ever seen. But I was concerned and needed to make sure she was ok._

_“Is everything all right, Love?” She just nodded while staring at my lips, before she lunged for them once more._

_“I need you Lexa.” She purred in my ear before biting my neck, hard. Normally, if this sort of thing would have happened, I would have wasted no time in giving Clarke all that she needed in that moment. But something was definitely off._

_“Clarke wait. Let's just talk for a second.” I was able to maneuver out of her grasp and take a few steps away. Aden had been concerned with Clarke and her behavior, so I had to see what was going on with her._

_“I don't want to talk Lexa.” She eyes me before licking her lips. “I want to fuck. Don't you want to fuck me?” Taking off her shirt, she then closes the gap between us and rips off mine._

_Because it's Clarke, I get lost in the feeling of her lips and skin for a few moments, until my body and mind are on the same page again. “Wait, Love. Hold on for just a minuet.” I told her softly, once our lips part._

_She looked offended and jumped back, trying to cover herself up with her arms. “What? You don't want me?”_

_“That's not it at all, Clarke. I just haven't seen you all day.” I tried keeping my voice light. “We haven't talked since this morning and I wanted to know how your day went. Just missed you, is all.”_

_Clarke's features soften as she takes in the information. “You did?”_

_“Of course, Love.” I sent her the smile I reserved only for her. “Then I saw all this beautiful art laying around and can see why we hadn't talked much today. I see you have been busy. Can I look at them?”_

_It was like a switch flipped, Clarke was excited while she picked up a few of the drawings to show me. “I have been working all day. I don't have much time.” Her speech almost sounded a bit slurred and I wondered if maybe she had drank something. But I couldn't taste any alcohol on her lips or breath._

_“Much time for what, Love?” The pictures I was looking at, looked as if they were done by a completely different artist. They were still fucking amazing, but not like anything I had seen Clarke draw before. They were darker and more abstract. The ones with people as the subject, had their faces missing or shadowed out._

_“The show. I don't have much time before my showing.” She sits back down on the ground, reaching for her pad and charcoal._

_I hadn't remembered Clarke mentioning anything of the sort before. “You have a show, Clarke?”_

_She laughs like I had just told a joke. “You're so funny. Remember, at the little studio I showed you across from the lofts.”_

_We had walked by them when we were in Detroit. The lofts were the same ones we had seen from the rooftop of the club, that first night we met. And when we walked by to see the progress, we saw a little studio for rent. I didn't know if she was talking about that. “Did you call the studio and set something up, Love?”_

_She stops drawing and looks at the wall thinking before turning to me. “I… I don't…” Her blue eyes look scared and confused. “I forget how it happened but I do have a show. Lexa I do.” Her voice raises a few octaves as she questions herself. “Right?”_

_Her vulnerability in that moment broke my heart. My throat tightened up as I wondered what to say. “Things are just a little fuzzy. I uh, was hit pretty hard in the head today, during training.” I was, so it wasn't a lie. Ontari packed a mean fucking hit._

_“Oh no.” She stood up and looked me over with worried eyes. “Lexa?”_

_I kissed her softly and shook my head. “I'm ok. Just need to get something to eat. Are you hungry? Would you like to come to dinner with me?”_

_“No. I should stay here. I need to focus on this.” She fell back to the ground, getting back to work and was talking to herself again. I watched for a few seconds, my heart breaking a little bit more as I did._

_“Then I'll pick you up something.” She just nodded but continued drawing. I kissed her head when I bent down to get my shirt, before I walked out of her room._

_Aden was back inside and was helping Abby to her room. I quickly moved to help him get her to bed and then asked him to go back outside._

_I had no idea what was going on with Clarke and hoped he could shed some light on it for me. “Did she take anything today?”_

_“No. Smoked a little weed but that's it.”_

_I had my phone out and dialed Octavia. She was in class but I had to take the chance she would answer. “Was the weed laced with anything?” I asked as I listened to the other end of the call continue to ring._

_“No. It's the same shit we been smokin.”_

_Octavia didn't answer so I sent her a quick text, telling her it was urgent. “Do you know what's happening with her?” He shook his head and then my phone rang. “Hello?”_

_“What's going on.” Octavia said on the other end._

_“I'm not really sure. It's Clarke… she uh. She is acting differently.” I didn't know what to say, because I hadn't really grasped what was happening._

_“Is Aden there?” She asked._

_I handed him the phone. “Hey.” He is silent for a few seconds while Octavia speaks. “Yea an talking to herself, but I hid all the knifes in the shed an called your mom before Lexa got here. I didn't want to take you from school an she said she would come home.” He nods while she responds. “I'll protect her O, don't worry.” Then he throws the phone back to me and sits on the steps._

_“What's going on?” It was my turn to ask the question._

_“I see the way you look at her, so I'm pretty sure I already know the answer but I have to ask anyways. Are you in love with Clarke?”_

_Wasn't really expecting the question but answered it truthfully. “I am, yes.”_

_“Well Lexa, you are about to see another side of her. And I really fucking hope you are the person I think you are and that it won't fucking matter when you see this side. And that it won't make you go running with your tail between your legs.”_

_“Do I seem like the running type to you Octavia? Please just tell me what's going on so I can help her.” Aden throws me a cigarette after hearing my voice raised, knowing how rarely that happened._

_“Ok. Well you know everything that has happened and what Clarke has gone through since our dads died. She has had a lot of responsibility put on her and she is strong and can take a hell of a lot more than any other person I know. But sometimes, even as strong as she is, she cracks.” I light the cigarette and listen to Octavia intently. “She kind of checks out mentally for a little bit. It's been going on for a couple years, never really getting that bad until… well I know she told you.”_

_“What can I do?” I looked back towards the house, wanting to be near her._

_“It's only going to get worse before it gets better. We just have to watch her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself. My mom is on her way home, and I only have one more class before I can go home. So you can leave it up to us. I know it's not something you signed up for…”_

_“I'm not leaving her. Not unless she tells me to go.” Aden pounds his fist over his heart in approval and I can practically hear the the smile on Octavia's face._

_“Aw. You do love her. But ok, my mom will be there soon. Just hang tight and keep an eye on her. My mom will know what to do if things get out of control. Text me if you need me to come home sooner.”_

_When we hung up, I had taken the time to smoke another cigarette before I was going to go back in but a woman had walked up the driveway before I could finish. She looked me up and down and gave me a polite smile before turning to Aden. She kisses him on the head before turning back to me._

_“Who is your friend, Aden?” She asked ._

_“This is Lexa.” He told her._

_Her eyes widen before she comes up and hugs me. “It's about damn time. I am Aurora. The girls have told me so much about you. We always seem to miss each other when you are here.”_

_“Forgive me, although I am pleased to finally meet you, I wish it be under different circumstances.”_

_She nods in agreement. “Baby boy, why don't you go check on Clarke. I want to talk to Lexa for a minute.” Aden got up without question and walked inside._

_I was terrified she was going to make me leave. I didn't want to leave Clarke and I was starting to curse myself for staying outside for the extra cigarette. “Are you going to ask that I leave?” I couldn't help it. In the three seconds of her silence I couldn't take it anymore._

_“Do you want me to ask you that? Do you want to leave?” She lights up her own cigarette and sits down on the porch. She is still in her waitress uniform and takes off her shoes._

_“No.”_

_She nods. “You have been good to her, for her. But I need to know what your intentions are here. Clarke is like a daughter to me and you don't want to mess with this mama bear. She has had a lot of bad shit thrown her way and needs a strong and special kind of person to be with her. Are you going to be more of that bad shit? Or what?”_

_“I care about her...”_

_She shrugs her shoulders. “So? I care for Berta, the old lady that comes into the diner everyday for breakfast. Doesn't mean I'd go to hell and back for her. Clarke is special. She is strong but has been hurt too many times from life. She holds it all in and then this happens and she takes everything out on herself. She does not see who or what she truly is.”_

_“I agree, on all accounts and see her for who she is. I want her to see what I do. Also, I would go to hell and back for her, without a second thought. It would be worth it.”_

_She nods approvingly. “Good answer. She is worth it.” She throws her cigarette butt and her head back sighing. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go check on her.”_

_“Yes ma’am.”_

  
_When I got back to Clarke's room, Aden had been helping her set up her pictures like they were at a showing. They were taping them to the dressers, to the walls. Aden seen me and nodded but Clarke hadn't noticed. She had one of my hoodies draped over her, which I imagine Aden had done because her arms were not through it and she was still in her bra._

_“Maybe these four should be grouped together to make one big picture? Aden what do you think?” She was still slurring her words as she positioned the drawings the way she imagined._

_“I think you’re the best artist in the whole wide world Clarke. Way better than all those old dudes the ninja turtles are named after.”_

_Her laugh was so pure that it choked me up. “Aden your so sweet. Thank you for helping me.” Once she was finished taping up the new picture, she took a step back so she could look at everything._

_I couldn't take it, not being near her for any longer, so I walked up behind her. “It looks amazing, Love.” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her._

_She jumped a little bit before laughing. “Lexa! You scared me.” She turns herself around in my arms and kisses me. “I missed you.” She whispered before putting her lips back to mine._

_“Not as much as I missed you, Love.” I help her put the hoodie on and zip it up for her._

_“Do you wanna see what Aden and I have been working on for my show?” She asked, before looking back to her work._

_“I wanna see it all, Love.”_

  
_After a few hours had gone by, I was able to convince Clarke to lay in bed for a little bit. But it didn't last very long, she couldn't sit still. Drawing seemed to be the thing that held her attention for the longest, so she always seemed to go back to that. Sometimes she would talk to herself, or just sit in silence but I was able to get her to converse with me quite a bit throughout the night._

_Just as the sun was coming up the next morning, Clarke was finally calming down. We cuddled in her bed for a bit, until I could tell she was asleep. I didn't dare move. Clarke hadn't been sleeping, so I wanted her to get as much rest as she was able. Thought it would even help her feel better. I was hoping that maybe after she got some rest, whatever had been going on would be over. But unfortunately, it was only the beginning._

  
_I ended up falling asleep a few hours after her, well if you could call it sleep. It was more like I just shut down my body to rest but my mind just wouldn't stop. I stayed in that state for awhile just thinking until I heard footsteps approaching the bed room. I opened my eyes just in time to see Octavia appear from behind the door. She looked the two of us over before nodding for me to follow her out. After looking at a peacefully sleeping Clarke, I shook my head no. She rolled her eyes and waved her hand at me. “Come on.” She whispered. I replied in the same exact way I had before and I'm pretty sure I saw her nostrils flare in annoyance with me. “She is drooling, which means she will be out for awhile, ok?”_

_“Fine.” I said with a clenched jaw, because really? What the fuck? Why would she make me get up when the two of us were lying so peacefully? Didn't she understand Clarke needed her rest! As angry as I was, deep down I knew there had to be a reason she would need to talk to me._

_Once I carefully slid out from underneath my sleeping beauty, I walked out and into the kitchen. Aurora and Octavia were both sitting at the small table, drinking coffee and there was a big cup waiting for me in one of the empty seats._

_My mood was heightened immensely after my first sip of the miracle brew. They watched me as I drank and once I had downed half of it, they smiled._

_“Thank you for staying.” Aurora told me. “But this isn't over, unfortunately. It could get much worse.”_

_“How so?” I wanted to know what was going to happen to my Love._

_Aurora looks at Octavia before back to me. “Well, every few months or so, she goes through this. She loses touch with reality for a little bit and then gets very depressed. That usually lasts a week or two. She will become very irritable, mean even. This next part is where she internalizes all her pain into self hatred. It's very hard to watch because nothing we say or do can make her feel better or change her mind. I know you love her, but loving someone who hates themselves, is a special kind of violence…”_

_“A fight inside the bones. A war within the blood.” I finished the quote for her, which she was surprised by. “Yrsa Daley-Ward.”_

_“You read poetry?” Aurora asks._

_“I read everything.”_

_“Lexa is also a writer. Hopeless romantic, this one.” Octavia tells her mom, smiling at me while I shrug my shoulders._

_“Well that explains it.” She laughs a little laugh. “I've decided to give you one more chance at an out. Whatever is going on with Clarke, it won't be easy for you. You will get hurt, even though she doesn't mean it.”_

_I shook my head. “She keeps saying that too and with all due respect Mrs Blake, we don't know that. So please, stop. I'm not going anywhere and whatever happens hypothetically or literally, I can take it.” They both just stare at me. “I love her. How can you expect me to leave?”_

_“It won't be easy.” Aurora repeats._

_“Life isn't easy. I don't expect love to be either.”_

_“She's different…”_

_“She's Clarke!” I was starting to get angry again as I sat across from them. It felt like everyone was all for us getting together, hell Octavia even went behind Clarke's back to help me, and for what? For them to turn around and tell me to go? Fuck that. “If Clarke was like everyone else, I wouldn't be sitting here with you right now. We wouldn't be having this conversation because I wouldn't be here. All that she is, even whatever is going on right now, I love her for it. I don't care if it's hard. I don't care that there is a chance I could possibly be hurt.” I looked Aurora in the eye. “I told you last night she was worth it. My mind hasn't changed.”_

_I watch a smile play on Aurora’s lips, before she turns to her daughter. “You were right.”_

_Octavia shrugs. “Told you.”_

_“What?” I squeezed my hands into fists and took a deep breath to calm myself._

_“I needed to make sure you weren't going to bow out when things got tough. Octavia told me you wouldn't, but I needed to make sure.”_

_I looked back between the two of them, my anger slowly dissipating. They care for care like I did. Even though it was getting a little frustrating, I knew they just wanted to do what was right by her. And really, how could I be mad at that? “I'm not going anywhere. I won't bow out. I won't give up on her, no matter what happens. I swear it.”_

_Aurora reaches her hand across the table, putting it over one of my still balled fists. “Thank you.” She said with complete sincerity. “Now go back and get some rest. We're about to have a long few days ahead of us. She's going to need us. She's going to need you.”_

_And she was right..._

 


	13. This love is pain, but can't be cut out from these veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off again as alway thank you for all your comments. They keep me going I swear! 
> 
> Secondly, I wanted to remind everyone of my trigger warnings in the beginning of self harm and violence. This chapter was pretty emotional to write and the next chapter even more so, but I hope I was able to balance it out nicely. This has been the largest chapter I have ever written and I hope you guys keep with me. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves, friends.
> 
> Much love

  
_Chapter 8 – Worn to the Bones_

_Those are the two things you want to do most when you love somebody: to save them (sometimes from themselves) and to be near them always.”_

_Francois Lelord, Hector & The Search for Happiness_

_After my talk with Aurora and Octavia, I texted Lincoln and asked if he wouldn't mind letting Ontari train with him that day. I wasn't about to leave Clarke. He said it was fine so I texted Ontari to apologize and let her know. She seemed fine with it, so I didn't let it bother me too much. Then, I snuck back into bed with Clarke as carefully as I could. She stirred only a little when I pulled her against my chest. I wanted to try and get some sleep but it was impossible. My mind wouldn't stop. I was worried and wondering what was about to happen to Clarke. I wanted to make sure I was prepared to help her however I was able, but it was hard because I still had no idea what was going on, really._

_Aurora had told me that Clarke would be internalizing everything into self hatred, but I couldn't imagine what that would look like. Couldn't imagine how she could._

_I stayed awake trying to prepare myself for the unknown, while she slept and she didn't end up waking until well after dinner time._

_“Good evening, Love.” I whispered as I kissed her head and face over and over again. Clarke was all smiles and for a second I thought maybe nothing would happen. Maybe the rest she got helped her. Or that by me being there, holding her and loving her, it had driven whatever was about to take place, away. Unfortunately, I was wrong._

_“Wait. Evening? How long did I sleep?” Clarke pushed herself up and away from me, trying to climb out of the bed. “Why did you let me sleep so long? Did anyone come over to get any weed?” She looks around frantically for her pants. “It's almost the first, Lexa! I can't miss out on any sales. We have the mortgage due and our house tax is this month.” Clarke starts throwing clothes around looking for a specific pair of pants._

_“Clarke…”_

_“I can't believe you let me sleep this long! Is today Friday?” It was Friday and that was her busiest day of the week since it was payday._

_“Clarke.” I tried one more time._

_“What!” She spun around quickly on her heels and faced me with burning eyes._

_I found the pair of pants she was looking for and handed them to her . “Octavia stayed home today and has been handling everything for you. It's ok. You needed some rest and…”_

_“What's that supposed to mean?” She was angry and offended and it took me a second to think about what I had said to make her feel that way. While I was off thinking in my own head replaying everything, Clarke took the opportunity to look around the room. She walked up to the pictures she had taped up and looked at them in confusion._

_At that point, I wasn't sure how to proceed. Did I mention the art show she was talking about? Clarke had seemed more herself in every way and not like the previous night. Her speech wasn't slurred or fast and other then being a little on the grumpy side, she seemed fine. But, I didn't get to decide to bring it up or not. She had beat me to it.._

_“Oh my god.” She puts her hand over her mouth with a look I will never forget. She was terrified. Tears filled her eyes quickly as she looked at me._

_“Hey it's ok, Love.” I reached my arm out to touch her but she jumped back and shook her head no._

_"No it's not.” She said before the sobs came and she backed up even further from me._

_“Clarke…”_

_“Please leave, Lexa.” She was scared and ashamed but I needed her to know there was no reason to be. That everything was ok, I wasn't going to look at or treat her any differently._

_“Clarke. Let me be here for you.” I took another step towards her, which made her angry._

_“I don't fucking need you! Get out!” She was shaking with rage at this point and I didn't know what to do. Everything changed so fast that I admit, it caught me a little off guard, even though I had tried to prepare for it. “Go!” She came up and pushed me but I didn't budge. Not on purpose, it's just when I plant my feet, I'm hard to move. This made her even more livid and her hands came at me. I dodged the hits easily and took a step back._

_When she went to try and push me or hit me again, I grabbed her wrists and spun her against me. “Clarke. Calm down, Love. Please.” Turns out, that was not at all the right thing to do. Clarke started thrashing in my arms to escape my hold and the back of her head connected with my nose. I missed the crunch if there was one, due to her yelling but could feel the blood as it rushed down my face. I didn't care. I didn't feel it, I was only concerned with Clarke._

_Her bedroom door flew open, probably from all the commotion and Octavia stood there for a second taking in the scene. “Lexa, let her go.” Octavia said quietly as she tried to maneuver herself closer to us with her hands up. I let Clarke go and she spun around on me, fire was still burning in her eyes. She was breathing heavy in between yelling at me to leave. “Lexa, give us a minute.” Octavia says and stepped in between us._

_I backed out of the room, worried I had just made the situation worse. I felt terrible. Tears were streaming down my face because of my nose and Aden helped me get to the bathroom because I couldn't see very well. He grabbed me a towel to help soak up the blood. “What happened?” He asked but I wasn't able to talk yet. I had been trying to still process what had all gone down._

_I pride myself on being strong but I was actually shaken up a bit. Aden must have known I wasn't going to be able to say anything and he started rubbing my shoulders the best he could one handed. It's something my dad always did to help me calm down. Aden had seen my dad do it before and it actually worked, calming me down enough to talk._

_"I... shit. She wanted me to leave but I…” My head fell to my chest. “I should have just left. I shouldn't have grabbed her what was I thinking? That was so stupid!”_

_“It's ok Lex. Shit happens, she gonna be ok. Are you ok? Is your nose broke, that's a shit ton of blood.”_

_“I don't think so.” I removed the towel and looked into the mirror. It wasn't crooked from what I could tell, so that was a good sign because I really didn't feel it. “No, I don't think it is. Will you go check on Clarke?” I asked him and he nodded before walking back to her room._

_Clarke's yelling had quieted and Aden was back a few minutes later. “She's fine. Octavia has calmed her down and they are talking. It's ok Lex.” He reached his arms out taking me up into a hug, trying to comfort me some more. All I could do was shake my head._

_“I didn't mean for all of this to happen, it just… it all went down so fast.” My nose was still bleeding and it was getting all over his shirt, so I pulled back. “I'm sorry Aden.”_

_“Nah, you're good. This your shirt anyway, I swiped it.” He laughs. “But we don't really got anything to help clean that up, it looks like there is a cut…” He points to the bridge of his nose._

_I turned looking back to the mirror again, getting closer and wiping the blood from the it. There was a cut. “Fuck. It's ok. I can run to the gym…” I looked out towards the direction of Clarke's room._

_“I'll head there with you. Octavia's got her, don't worry.” He pats me on the back and I nod, following him out._

  
_My nose wasn't broken thankfully, but It would be sore and swollen for a few days. And after the shock of what had happened had passed, I realized I probably could have handled that situation a lot better. Probably should have left the room first and foremost. But at the very least, I shouldn't have tried to restrain Clarke and instead should have tried to talk her down some more or asked for Octavia's help. If there was a next time, I promised myself to be better._

_While I cleaned up, Aden told me some more stories of Clarke when she was like the way she had been acting. “I think she hears and sees stuff. She never told me but I seen her hiding from something this one time. I thought she had taken some shrooms or I don't know. But she didn't and when I tried to talk to her about it afterwards she threw me out of her room. I know she don't mean it though. I just wish I could help her, especially when she's sad. I don't like seeing her sad, ya know? Because it gets really bad.”_

_“How bad?” I needed to know. I needed to be more prepared so I could help._

_“Clarke has been the best thing to ever happen to me. She took care of me after my mama died and I had to fend for myself because Pike is a worthless piece of shit. She takes care of her mama… actually Clarke takes care of all of us. And you know why? Just because she loves us. There's so many good things about my future wife, that I could go on forever. But when she's sad...” He has to stop for a second to think. “It's like every good thing that we see, she thinks there about a million bad things about her. She doesn't like herself when she sad. Not at all.”_

_I could tell this was rough on the kid too, so it was my turn to comfort him. “That's why we have to be there to counter it. You have been doing a good job so far and I know she appreciates it.”_

_He shrugs. "Maybe you can get through to her better. We have all tried. But we gotta watch her. Sometimes she hurts herself.” He points to his wrists._

_My heart sped up thinking about it. I've seen, touched and kissed all of her scars. But I didn't want her to add anymore. “We’ll protect her.”_

  
_Once we got back to Clarke's house, Octavia was still with her in her room. I waited in the living room and asked Aden to go check on them. Octavia followed him back out after a few minutes._

_“She fell asleep a few minutes ago. Are you all right?” She asks me, coming up to look at my nose._

_“Yes. I'm good. I just feel bad, I shouldn't have tried to restrain her.”_

_Octavia came up and hugged me. “Lexa, this is not your fault. She was trying to hit you.” She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Clarke was in the wrong for trying to put her hands on you. You were just trying to stop her. Please don't think this is your fault, because it's not.”_

_“She didn't mean it…”_

_Octavia shook her head no. “That still doesn't make it right.”_

_“Has she ever done anything like this before?” I needed to know if it was me that was bringing this on._

_Octavia nods. “Her and my mom have gotten into it a few times. My mom has had to get her into a few holds on the ground to calm her down.”_

_“Oh.” I didn't know what to say._

_“I know she doesn't mean it and trust me, she will feel like shit for doing it. But we can't blame ourselves.” I nodded and she hugged me again. “She's asleep if you wanna go in there, or go home and get some rest. It's up to you.”_

_"I want to stay.” She smiles at me and nods before she let's me walk past her to their bedroom._

_When I walked into the room, I saw Clarke clutching at her pillow in her arms. I snuck behind her as carefully as I could and wrapped my arms around her like she had done to her pillow. She immediately dropped her hold on it and turned around, letting my body take its place in her strong grasp. I kissed her face more times than I could count, whispering how much I loved her, before I actually fell asleep myself._

  
_Aden woke me up in the middle of the night and I noticed immediately that Clarke was gone. I shot out of bed in a panic. “Where is she.”_

_He looked nervous. “I could hear her crying in the bathroom. She locked herself in there and won't let me in.”_

_I gripped his arm in thanks and made my way quickly to the bathroom. My throat tightened when I heard her heartbroken cries. Not sure what to do, I knocked on the door. “Clarke?” I tried and her sobs just got louder. “Love, please open the door.”_

_“No. Lexa, please just go away.” She begged me. I checked out the lock and could tell it could be opened with enough force, so that's what I did. I grabbed it with both hands and twisted as hard as I could, breaking it._

_When I opened the door, I couldn't help the sharp intake of breath from what I saw. Clarke was sitting in the bathtub holding a box cutter, cutting into her forearms. I had scared her when I opened the door and it caused her to cut a long slash. “Clarke!” I rushed over to her and she looked terrified. She was trying to get away but there was no where for her to go._

_“No!” She screamed at me when I got close to her but I was too fast and was able to rip the razor away from her, cutting my own palm in the process. Aden rushed in the bathroom to see what was going on. “Go get my keys and run to the gym for a first aid kit.” He nodded and rushed out of the bathroom. I turned back to Clarke who fell back down into the bathtub. She was crying so hard I couldn't make out what she was saying while I dabbed her arm with a towel._

_“Ple… please…” Clarke was trying to talk but she couldn't get anything out but the word please. So she just kept saying it over and over again._

_“It's going to be all right, Love. You're ok now.” I kept repeating as I held onto her arm and checked out her cuts. There were at least ten of them. Most of them were small and would close up quickly, but the big slash she made when I went through the door might have needed stitches. It was only flesh from what I could tell, so she didn't get too deep. I wrapped the towel around her arm waiting for Aden before I could address it._

_Octavia came rushing in seconds later. “Oh my god, Clarke!” This had caused Clarke to get even more upset. Tears where streaming down her face and I could tell she was having a hard time breathing. “Clarke no. Why would you do this?” Octavia asked her._

_Clarke's head snapped to Octavia and her whole body went tense. “Why?” Clarke screamed out, before trying to push me away. “Why?” She screamed again, even louder. “Because I deserve it!”_

_“Clarke no…” Octavia tried, before being interrupted._

_“Yes!” Clarke's eyes were wild with her rage. “Look what I did!” She points to me and lets her eyes fall to my nose. “I hurt her…” Without warning, she throws the back of her head into the ceramic tiled wall behind her, hard. She does it again and went to do it a third but I grabbed the back of her head stopping her._

_“Clarke stop.” When she heard my voice, she did. Her eyes locked with mine and they weren't angry anymore, but full of remorse and shame. Her sobs started up again and without thinking I lifted her out of the tub. “Octavia, can you go and boil some water?” I held Clarke in my arms and walked her back to her bedroom. She didn't fight against me and even wrapped both arms around my neck, pulling herself closer to me._

_“I'm so sorry.” She kept saying in between sobs._

_“Shhh, Love. It's all right.” I lowered her so she could sit on the bed but she wouldn't let go of me. So, I dropped down on my knees facing her, while also making sure her arm stayed tightly wrapped. I tried wiping her tears but they were never ending. There were words meant to comfort that had gotten stuck in my throat, so I had to clear it in order to speak them. “Clarke, I want you to listen to me.” Her loud sobs turned into silent ones as she gave me her attention. “You didn't hurt me. It's not broken, it was merely bumped. I'm ok. You don't need to apologize any more.”_

_“What about your hand?” She choked out and reached for it, so she could see._

_There was a small cut on my palm that was still bleeding but it wasn't serious by any means. “A scratch.” I wiped the blood on my shorts and showed her._

_“I'm so sorry, Lexa.” She kissed my palm before bringing it down to her lap, where her towel wrapped arm rested. She started to unwrap her arm and I was about to protest against it, but she was just trying to make room in the towel for my hand._

_When she brought her eyes back up to mine, I could tell how drained she was. “Are you tired, Love?” Her forehead crinkled and her lip quivered while she nodded. “Can I look at your arm again?” I asked when I heard the front door of the house open._

_Clarke had given another nod just before Aden came into the room with the first aid kit and Octavia with the water. Clarke covered her eyes, shielding herself from having to look at us, while I unwrapped the towel. All of the cuts seemed to have stopped bleeding, even the big one. I looked at it more closely and decided I could throw a few butterfly stitches on it if she didn't want me to take her to the hospital. It was a long cut, but really only the middle inch and a half was the worst. “Clarke. Love, do you want me to to take you to the…”_

_“No!” She dropped her hand from her eyes so she could look at me. “No, please! Please don't take me to the hospital!” She started shaking as she begged me._

_“Ok. Ok, shhhh. It's all right. I won't take you. I can clean this up.” And that's what I did. I asked Aden and Octavia to leave, so I could focus and so Clarke could stay calm while I worked on her._

_I took my time, making sure I cleaned every cut enough so it wouldn't get infected. Clarke stared off with vacant eyes the whole time, as her tears slowed._

_Once I was done, I wrapped her arm to keep it protected for the night and helped Clarke climb back into bed. “I'm going to go get you some water, Love. I'll be right back.”_

_Her arm shot out stopping me. “No! Please don't leave me.”_

_Her words and tone stopped me right in my tracks and I knelt down so I was eye level with her. “I won't leave you, Clarke. I’m staying right here ok? Im just going to go ask Aden to get you some water.” She nods at me but won't let go of my arm. “It's ok.” I told her while I wiped a few more of her tears and she let my arm go, so I could call out to Aden._

_Once I got Clarke to drink some water I put the glass on her night stand before crawling into bed with her. I got behind her and pulled her as close to my body as I could and held her while she cried some more. We were quiet for a long time, until her voice broke through the silence._

_“I was embarrassed.” She was talking about earlier, when she realized about the art show she had thought she had. Her voice sounded even more raspy than normal. I knew her throat had to hurt from the screaming she had done. “I'm so crazy.” Her sobs were back, but weren't violent._

_“You're not crazy, Love. You were confused.” I kissed the back of her neck softly. “You don't need to be embarrassed.”_

_“I'm so sorry I hurt you.”_

_“Clarke, please stop apologizing. Everything is all right. Just rest now, Love. Close your eyes and sleep. It will be better tomorrow.” I hoped it would. I wasn't religious, but I prayed. I prayed to the god my mother had so much faith in and asked all the others to help. To help Clarke stop hurting and to stop thinking all the bad untrue things. Unfortunately, they didn't listen. They wouldn't grant her that reprieve yet._

_We spent the next three days in her bed. I had to call my cousin Anya, who was a business major to help take care of the gym and all the responsibilities that went along with it. There was a lot that still needed to be done since we were brand new, just opened. But she took care of it all for me. Lincoln helped me by taking over my classes that I had to teach and with Ontari’s private training._

_Clarke didn't get violent again in those three days. She barely moved or even talked. When she would talk, she broke my fucking heart._

_“I want it to go away.” She would cry. “Make it go away. Please, Lexa. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please just make it go away.”_

_And I tried. I tried my fucking hardest to make it all go away. Aside from praying, I held her as tight as I could. I would counter every negative thought she had with a truthful positive one, that she refused to believe. I tried to read to her and told her my ideas of what our future would look like together. Told her about how we would travel wherever she wanted. Said I would buy us one of those lofts in Detroit that she loved so much and we could rent her the studio for her beautiful, amazing art._

_But nothing worked. I didn't give up though and I didn't leave. I held onto her and eventually, Clarke came back to me. Slowly, her eyes started to shine again and small smiles would grace her beautiful lips. She was able to get out of bed and stopped crying. It was hard on us both but we eventually made it through the storm._

_And well, I sort of wish this was the end of my story. I wish this was where I told you that because of our epic love for each other, she overcame her sadness and it never returned. The End. We lived happily ever after…_

_But this is not the end of my story and remember that this real life, folks. Not a fairytale. And although I think that our love for one another could rival that of a fairytale true love… real life isn't that easy. Or fair._

 

 

Before Lexa can turn the page, to start the next chapter in the book, Clarke stops her by putting her hand hers. They were still cuddled up on the big recliner.

Clarke stares off as she traces Lexa's tattoo. “Looking back, it would have saved you so much trouble and heartbreak, if you would have just walked away. Don't you sometimes wish you would have just left?”

“Never.” Lexa says immediately, not having to think about the answer.

Clarke raises her head to search Lexa's green eyes. “After all the pain and everything that went down? After me running for three years, worrying you and everyone else?”

“No, Clarke. I will never regret staying. I will never regret my time spent with you.”

Clarke was ready with a retort, but before they can finish their conversation, the door at the top of the stairs opens. Clarke shoots up from the chair in a panic.

“Hold on Dez, daddy doesn't want to drop his snacks.” Then he laughs. “Or you.”

Clarke stands up and waits for Aden to make his way down the stairs. Lexa does the same by her side.

Once he makes his way down, he freezes. “Oh shit. Sorry Lex, I didn't know you had anyone over.” He says before laughing. “How out of character…” He finally looks at Clarke, seeing that it was her. Lexa moves in quickly to take Dez from him when she saw the snacks fall from his arms. She didn't want the baby to be next. “Clarke?”

The blonde nods up and down as a few tears fall. Then she takes the few steps and jumps into his arms. “Aden.” She says while squeezing her arms around him. He buries his face into her shoulder while holding her just as tightly. “You're so tall! God, I missed you so much.”

“Me too.” Aden chokes up a little bit and has to pull back. He wipes his eyes on his shirt before reaching for Dez from Lexa. “You gotta meet your goddaughter, Clarke.”

“My who?” She says while taking Dez from him. Clarke has a pure smile on her face as she hugs her.

“You're goddaughter. Her name is Desirea.”

“Hi baby.” Clarke tells Dez, while kissing all over her face, making her giggle. “God Aden, she's so beautiful.”

“Thanks. Shit. We didn't interrupt anything did we? Dez got up extra early and Raven was still sleeping on the couch…”

“No you're not interrupting at all!” Clarke tells him before going to sit on one of the recliners with Dez.

“Ok cool. Do you want to feed her? We came down here to watch some cartoons on the big screen.” He hands Clarke a bag of Cheerios before going behind the bar to grab the high chair. He brings it over to where they were sitting and went to grab her to put her in it.

“I got her.” Clarke says, shooing Aden’s hands away. She kisses the girl's chubby cheeks before putting her in the chair. “Right Dez? Auntie’s got you.”

Aden and Lexa both watch on in adoration at the two. “Do you want a refill Clarke?” Lexa asks, while grabbing her empty coffee cup, wanting to give Clarke some time with Aden and Dez.

“No, I'm good. Thank you though.” She sends Lexa a sweet smile before returning her attention back to the toddler.

“Hey, I'll go with you. I wanna talk to you about somethin.” Aden goes to follow, then spins on his heals turning to Clarke. He was going to ask if she was cool with watching Dez but she was already waving her hand telling him to go.

“So, I know because of everything that's going on, you probably forgot, but my birthday is Wednesday.” Aden informs once they were upstairs.

“I haven’t forgotten.” She playfully punches him in the arm. “The big one-nine! Are you planning to go to Windsor to drink and gamble?”

“Well yea. But, and hear me out for a sec before you just say no. But! Mom and pops will be back in a couple days and I don't know when they will be leaving again… do you see where I'm goin with this?” He throws his arm around Lexa's shoulder, hoping she had caught on.

“You wanna throw a party.”

“A party? Lex! What a great idea.” He grins his famous up to no good grin.

Lexa laughs at him before moving to go get her refill of coffee. “Hey kid, you live here, I don't anymore. You wanna throw a party, that's all on you. I just highly suggest you lock up the main house and the garage full of toys.”

“Did someone say party?” Raven stumbles in from the side door. Her hair was falling out of its bun, she was wearing her sunglasses even inside and was clutching a bottle of water like it was her lifeline.

“Don't you think you should recover from last night before you going looking for round two?” Lexa laughs before going to the cupboard to get Raven a coffee cup.

“Yep. Why do you think I'm here? Caffeine and aspirin.” Lexa hands her both. Raven takes the pills and sips the coffee slow. “Much better. Now, what's this I hear about a party?”

“Aden wants to throw a party here for his birthday.”

Raven pushes up her sunglasses before squinting having to put them right back down, not being able to stand the light like she had originally thought. “It's your birthday? What are you turning thirteen this year?”

“Nineteen.” Aden defends by trying to stand taller.

“Nineteen. Oh, nineteen Lexa!” Raven says sarcastically. “He must have a party!”

“Shhh. Rae, jesus. Quiet down would you?” Lexa says before looking at the door to the theater room.

“What? Why? It's just us. You're parents are still gone.” She looks around. “Hey wait, where's my little princess at?”

“Right here.” Everyone turns to see Clarke walking upstairs with Dez.

“Clarke! Holy shit! Lexa, did you know Clarke was here?” Raven asks as she hits her best friend in the arm.

“Where?” Lexa jokes.

“Good morning Raven.” Clarke laughs before walking over to Aden. “Where do you keep the diapers she needs to be changed.” Clarke kisses Dez’s cheek and the little girl laughs with her and goes to give her a kiss back.

Aden smiles as he watches the interaction. “I think I used the last ones in here, I can take her back to the barn to change her.” He goes to take her but Clarke shakes her head.

“No way. I have a lot of catching up to do with her. I got it. Don't worry.” She kisses him on the cheek before walking to the side door and out.

“So…?” Raven asks before slamming back the rest of her coffee.

“So, what?” Lexa downs the rest of her own cup and goes to put it in the dishwasher.

“Clarke's here.”

“She is.” Lexa says, making eye contact with Raven.

“Are you guys…?”

“I don't know Rae.” Lexa tried to keep the frustration out of her voice, but couldn't catch it all. Raven holds her hands up in mock surrender, making Lexa feel like an asshole. It wasn't Raven’s fault. Everyone was wondering what was going on with them, herself included. “I'm sorry, just a little tired. But, well… she's here, were reading and working on things… maybe? I don't know. But she's here.”

“That's a good sign though Lex.” Aden tells her.

“I know. I do, but I… I'm just trying not to think about it.”

Aden and Raven both laugh. “How's that working for you? I'm not even part of the relationship and it's all I can think about. It's all will they or won't they? And, will Lexa ever get laid ever again? God! It's torture!”

“I'm hoping to finally cash in big on the Lexa getting laid bet. I mean jackpots been just getting higher and higher now for what…?” He looks to Raven who is holding up two fingers while nodding. “Yea, two years or some shit. Those winnings are gonna be what puts Dez through college.”

“Seriously?” Lexa just shakes her head.

“Well yea. Raven has been consistently losing and we don't let her back in unless she doubles up.”

“Yea _Lexa_. Do you know how much money you have lost us all? Geeze.” Raven goes to get another cup of coffee. “Fuckers even made me put it in escrow.”

“Serves you all right.” Lexa's phone starts ringing in her pocket and she flips it out to see who it was. It was Octavia.

“Do you think Clarke would come to my party? You guys could sneak upstairs if you wanted...” Lexa starts walking out of the kitchen so she can take the phone call and smacks Aden in the back of the head on the way out. “What? I'm just lookin out for you!”

“Hello?” Lexa answers once she is far enough away that the other two couldn't be heard laughing.

“Hey. Is she still there?”

“Yes. She's bonding with Desirea as we speak.” Lexa walks over to the door wall and looks out at the lake.

“Aw. Good, I'm so glad. But listen, so I talked to Dr Jackson this morning, got her scripts filled for a weeks worth of meds from that list you gave me and now I'm about to be to your house. I wanna see her, It's not fair you have been hogging her.”

It was meant as playful and lighthearted, but it caused Lexa to pause. She had been trying not to think about things with her and Clarke but obviously it was impossible. Clarke wasn't home for half a day before she found her way to Lexa again. That had to mean something. Right?

“Hey.” Octavia says, drawing Lexa from her head. “I know we're all worried about Clarke, but what about you? Are you doing ok? This has gotta be fucking with you a bit.”

Lexa lets her head fall against the glass of the door wall. “I'm good.”

“Liar.”

“Seriously, I'm good Octavia. How can I not be? Clarke's home.”

“Exactly. You're missing ex comes back into town…”

“Octavia, please. I said I'm fine, ok? Everything's fine. I'll see you when you get here.” She ends the call and throws her phone back in her pocket. She lightly pounds her head against the glass a few times, trying to get her emotions and thoughts under control. Once she does, she turns around to go back to everyone else.

Clarke was back inside with Dez and she looked relieved once she saw Lexa again. “Hey.” She says, smiling. “Where did you run off to?”

“Octavia called and is on her way over to hang out for a bit.” As if on cue, Octavia walked through the side door. “That was fast.”

“What's up guys.” She goes straight to Clarke and Dez, hugging them both before kissing Dez on the cheek. “Hi baby.” She tickles Dez making the girl laugh and squirm around in Clarke's arms. When she was done she reached her arms out for Octavia. “Do you mind?” She asks the blonde who shakes her head no.

“Well now that I'm up… who wants breakfast?” Raven pulls out a menu from one of the drawers. “I would kill for an omelette right about now. Gotta soak up all that liquor from last night. Which how the hell are you not feeling the same as me Lex?”

“Well, I stopped drinking once we got home.” Lexa goes over to Raven to check to see what menu she pulled out. “If you call it in, I'll go pick it up.”

“Fuck yes. Ok, you want your usual?”

“Uhhh. No, I think I'm going to make a stop somewhere else.” Lexa looks to Clarke, who was watching their interaction closely. “Anyone want to come with?”

“I do.” Clarke says quickly.

Lexa tries to hide her relieved smile. “Wanna drive?”

“What? How the fuck… you just let her drive your car? Just like that? Why do you hate me so much?” Aden whines.

Clarke laughs and nods her head. “Yes please.”

“What do you want Clarke?” Raven asks, her eyes still on the menu.

“No that's ok. I'm good. Thank you though.” She says after watching the smile play on Lexa's lips. The brunette was up to something and Clarke thinks she knew what it was.

“I'll take hers.” Aden and Octavia say at the same time. They stare each other down for a few moments.

“I'm a growing boy, I need the extra food.” Aden says making Octavia scoff.

“Yesterday you told me not to bug you about paying that ticket you got last month because you were a man. Now you say you’re a boy. Which is it?”

“Uh…”

“That's what I thought. I'll take Clarke's breakfast.” Octavia turns to Raven smirking.

“You guys do realize I could buy the entire restaurant a thousand times over, right? But on the other hand, it would be more fun to watch you guys fight over who gets a second breakfast.” She taps her finger to her chin. “Ok, so here are the rules…”

Lexa watches the three go on for about half a second longer before she nods to Clarke to see if she wanted to skip out on the show that was surely about to take place. She nods and follows Lexa outside.

“So why didn't you get breakfast?” Clarke asks after Lexa throws her the keys.

“Was in the mood for something they didn't have on the menu.” Lexa freezes before getting in the car realizing how that sentence had actually sounded. She looked nervously to Clarke who had an eyebrow raised. “No! Clarke, I didn't mean it like that.” She slaps her hand over her eyes and shakes her head. “I meant food wise.” Clarke just laughs and gets in the car.

Once she enters the car, she closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath of it. Lexa wasn't the only one who loved the vehicle so much. She had so many memories associated with it and was so happy when she saw it parked in the driveway when she arrived.

Clarke hadn't driven a stick since she left and it felt good to finally do so again. She didn't need to ask where they were going and could feel Lexa's eyes on her the whole time they were driving. They always were when she drove her car. And when they pulled up to Donut Castle, Lexa's smile told her she had guessed right.

The Donut Castle was their little secret. It was a small donut shop that was only open until noon and held the world's biggest best kept breakfast secret. Which were the most mouthwatering homemade bagel sandwiches on the planet.

 

“I've dreamed about these sandwiches.” Clarke tells Lexa, after they settle into the last booth, which was always their booth.

“Me too.” Lexa says, licking her lips as she unwraps her bacon, egg and cheese one.

Clarke was just about to take a bite when Lexa confessed. “What do you mean?”

“I haven't had once since… well the last time we were here.” She takes a bite and moans. “So good.”

Clarke moans after she takes her own bite. “No way. You can't tell me you haven't taken Raven here, or… anyone else…”

Her mouth was full, so Lexa shakes her head. Putting the sandwich down, Lexa takes a sip of her coffee before speaking. “This place is ours.” Is all she said but the full truth was that she didn't think it would be the same without the blonde. Although they were delicious, for her it wasn't just the sandwich that made the place so special. It was Clarke that made it so.

The statement caused Clarke's heart to both swell and ache all at once. Not sure how to respond, Clarke takes another bite, stares back at Lexa and nods.

After they are done eating, Lexa excuses herself to use the restroom leaving Clarke alone at the booth. When Lexa's phone buzzed from a text, she couldn't help herself from looking to see who it was from.

  
**Ontari** : _Hey Lexi :) Aden texted and said there was a party tonight at the barn. Are you going to be there?_

  
Clarke rolled her eyes at the stupid nickname Ontari always used for Lexa and slid the phone back into its spot. She couldn't help the sting of jealousy that hit her thinking about it.

“Ready?” Lexa says making Clarke jump. “Oh, sorry.”

“No, it's fine.” Clarke replies, while shaking her head. “And yes, I'm ready.” Clarke hands Lexa the keys to the car, suddenly not up for driving.

“You don't want to drive?”

Clarke shakes her head no. “I'm feeling a little tired after all those carbs.” She tries to smile but knows it didn't come out as genuine.

  
Clarke was quiet the rest of the trip and was stuck in her own head as they drove. She couldn't get Ontari out of her head. Clarke had always felt like Ontari had a little thing for Lexa and it caused more than it's fair share of trouble for the couple. She couldn't stop herself from wondering if something happened between them while she was away. Octavia said Lexa hadn't been with anyone since Clarke left, but what if something did and Lexa just didn't tell anyone. Not that it was any of Clarke's business, she left Lexa so she could find someone to be with. So why did it eat at her to think maybe she had? Was it because of it possibly being Ontari? She didn't know, but that didn't stop her brain from torturing her about it.

  
Once they got back to the house, Clarke went straight up to Octavia and whispered to her. Octavia nodded before grabbing her hand and took her out of the room.

  
“You ok?” Octavia asks, while taking Clarke in for a hug.

“I don't know.” Clarke clings on tight to her best friend. She wants to tell her about the text message but realizes quickly how stupid she would sound. “I think I'm just tired.”

“Do you want to take a nap. There are plenty of rooms here…”

“Can you just take me home?” Clarke felt bad for wanting to leave but she could feel her heart start racing with her thoughts. The last thing she wanted was to have a panic attack in front of everyone.

“Of course I can.”

“I'm sorry…” Clarke starts.

Octavia doesn't let her finish. “Stop. You have no reason to be sorry. Let me just get my breakfast and we can go.”

“Wait!” Clarke puts her hand on Octavia's shoulder stopping her. “Can you grab my book too? It's in the theater room.”

Laughing, Octavia nods. “Did you ever think you would say that sentence in your life?” A sad smile spreads over Clarke's features. “I'll grab it, don't worry. Do you want to go outside and wait or say goodbye?”

“I'll wait outside.” She says, biting her fingers nervously. Octavia hands Clarke her car keys before turning around to go get their stuff.

  
While waiting in the car, Clarke watches as Aden comes running outside. The closer he got, the more guilty she felt. She should have at least said bye to everyone.

“Hey Clarke.” He takes her into a big hug once she was out of the car. “Just wanted to say I love you and I'll see you soon ok?”

“I should have… I'm sorry…”

“Don't be! Go get some rest. I was gonna bring Dez over tonight ‘cuz your mom and Aurora were gonna watch her for me. I'm throwing my birthday party tonight. Which if you wanna come… I would love for you to be here.”

Her eyes go wide after she checks the date on her watch. “You're birthday is in a few days!”

“It is!” He laughs and takes her in for another hug. “Don't feel like you gotta but I would love to celebrate with you. So just think about it. And I'll see you later tonight at your mama’s at least?” She nods against his shoulder and gives him a kiss on his cheek.

“I will definitely think about it Aden. I love you.”

“I love you too.” He says before backing up and going inside.

  
On their way home, Clarke started feeling worse and worse about just leaving without saying goodbye to Lexa. Octavia had been trying to distract her but it wasn't working.

“I should have said goodbye. Why didn't I say goodbye to her?”

“Do you plan on seeing her again?” Octavia asked her, while reaching in her purse for something.

“Yes.” Clarke answered immediately, shocking herself a little bit.

Octavia was all smiles at the answer and then pulled out a box from her purse, handing it to Clarke. “Then call her and tell her bye and you will see her soon. Or text her.”

Clarke looks over the box and sees that's it's a brand new iPhone. “Octavia no. This was probably so expensive, I can't take this.”

“Don't worry about it Clarke, Raven practically has a whole bedroom full of these things. It's already activated and everyone's numbers are programmed in. Just call or text Lexa and let her know you had to leave but will see her soon. She won't be mad, I promise.”

They pulled up to the house a few moments later but no one was home. Octavia gave Clarke her prescriptions she picked up, to which Clarke was grateful she did in private. She also told Clarke to get some rest and that she would be there if she needed anything.

The second Clarke closed her bedroom door, she put her meds on the dresser and then she sat on her bed and just stared at Lexa's contact in the phone. She wished there was a picture to go with her favorite name belonging to her favorite person. But there wasn't.

Clarke wanted to call Lexa and hear her voice, she missed it already. She loved Lexa's voice and listening to her talk. Lexa's voice could calm her and excite her, like no one else's ever could. Clarke clicked the call button without thinking it through any longer.

“Hello, this is Lexa Woods.” The voice said after two rings.

Clarke closed her eyes hearing the voice and smiled. “Hello Miss Woods, this is Clarke Griffin.”

When Lexa laughed on the other end, Clarke fell back on her bed, suddenly feeling much lighter. “Hi Clarke.”

“Hi.” Clarke pulled one of her pillows over to her so she could hug it, wishing is was the brunette on the other line.

“Is everything all right, Love?”

Clarke closed her eyes again at the nickname. “I guess. I just… I'm sorry I left you without saying goodbye. Again. Looks to be turning in to my trademark exit.”

Lexa laughs on the other end again. “Well that's ok, Octavia said you were tired. There is no need to apologize, Clarke.”

Clarke sighs. “Yes there is. It was rude...”

“Not at all, Love.”

“Ok, as always, let's just agree to disagree.” This earned her a whole hearted laugh. “So, Octavia got me this phone and I wanted to call to apologize and so you can have my new number.”

“Well thank you, Clarke. I'll save it as soon as we are done. Are you at home?”

Clarke sighs again as she looks around her new room. “I'm at my new house.”

“Give it time, Love. It will start feeling more like home.”

Another sigh. “I hope so, Lexa.”

“It will. It's just new. Your mom and Aurora are there and if there's anything I can do to help you make it feel like home…”

“Like come live with me.” Clarke smacks herself on the forehead. “Lexa… oh my god. Don't listen to me. I don't know what I'm saying. I should probably go.”

“Clarke…”

“I'm really tired, I'm sorry. That was so stupid.” Clarke is shaking her head back and forth, internally scolding herself.

"Clarke wait..."

“I gotta go. Loveyoubye.” Clarke hung up before she realized what she said and slapped herself again. “So stupid.” She looked at her phone and debated texting Lexa, telling her she mistakenly said that but eventually decided against it. Clarke wasn't sure if she should be with Lexa but they both knew she loved her. So really, what was the point?

  
Tired of thinking about _everything_ Clarke spent the next couple hours losing herself in her art. She sat at the table Lexa had made for her and was blown away at how comfortable it was. And with all the different supplies she had to choose from, the possibilities of what she could create were endless.

Clarke started off with drawing a picture of Dez, wanting to give it to Aden for his birthday, since she didn't have any money. Then she decided she needed a picture of Dez for herself and smiled drawing from the memory of their short but amazing time together that morning.

Before starting her third picture, she knew what her hands wanted to draw next. Lexa. They wanted to draw Lexa with her crazy morning curls and sleepy smile. Clarke puts her charcoal down and stares at Lexa's book sitting next to her. She picks it up, running her hand over the cover before opening the book.

They had left off right after that first episode with Lexa. Which, reminded her about something. She turns to her dresser and looks at the meds Octavia had picked up. She hadn’t taken her pills since Raven had found her. Actually, she hadn't been taking the correct dosage in over a year and a half. Clarke didn't have health insurance and the pills were expensive. So, she would have to cut them in half and even skip every other day if she couldn't afford them or make it to the doctor before she would need another refill. Eyeing them carefully, she sighs before getting up. Clarke hates her pills, wishes she never had to take another one in her life but unfortunately, that will never be the case.

After taking them, she shoved them in one of the drawers, not wanting to see them until later that night, when she would have to take her second dose. Then because she missed Lexa but didn't want to call her and make things worse, Clarke went back to the bed and grabbed Lexa's book, opening it.

Instead of picking up where they had left off, Clarke goes to the beginning again. She wanted to reread the quotes. Every love letter Lexa had ever given her contained one of Lexa's favorite quotes written at the top. When Lexa would send Clarke flowers, there would always be one on the card. Lexa was so sweet and truly a romantic.

When Clarke's eyes skimmed over one of the sections, she realizes it was one they had skipped. Because it was all sex. She debates for all of about two seconds before reading it.

Clarke quickly gets lost in Lexa's written words that describe the passion the two of them shared. Sex was never an issue for them. It probably helped that the sex was always mind blowing.

When Octavia knocked on the door just as book Clarke was about finish, real Clarke almost growls.

"Hey Clarke?” Octavia says peeking her head in.

Clarke snaps the book closed and throws it away from her on the bed. “Hey!”

“Sorry were you reading?” Octavia comes into the room to sit on Clarke's bed.

“Uh yes…” Clarke knows she will be caught the second Octavia takes a good look at her. Clarke's flushed skin was a dead give away when she was turned on. And reading Lexa's retelling of their time together most definitely had her turned the fuck on.

Clarke sighs when the lightbulb clicks for Octavia. “Were you reading the _good_ parts? That shit was hot! My god!” Octavia fans herself while Clarke covers her eyes with both hands.

“I know! Fuck…”

“Like you always told me it was good but holy shit!” Octavia laughs. “Lincoln didn't know it was in there and threw the book when he read it the first time. That big baby.” She shakes her head. “Lexa had to send him a PG rated version so he would finish it.”

Clarke drops her hands and laughs with Octavia. “It shocked me too. She has been skipping the scenes while she reads to me, so I couldn't help but take a little peek.”

“I don't blame you.” Octavia crawls back on the bed so she can lay down and Clarke joins her.

“So, I made Aden a picture for his birthday.” Clarke points to her table. “It's a picture of Dez.”

“Aw. He will love it, Clarke.”

Clarke shrugs. “Wish I could do more.”

“Aden loves your art. He has at least two of your Detroit skyline drawings hanging up in the barn. Trust me, he will love it.”

“I hope so. But hey, how did he end up living in the barn?” Clarke turns on her side so she can face her best friend.

Octavia has to think about it for a second. “I wanna say a little after you left. Pike had gotten ahold of him and Aden kind of just lost it. They got into it pretty bad. Gus found out about it and I’m pretty sure was on his way to kill Pike, when Indra had a different plan. She filed something with the court and so they were awarded immediate guardianship of Aden. He's been living with them ever since.”

“He finally got his rich family to adopt him.” Clarke jokes.

“The best rich family at that.”

Clarke nods. “That’s the truth. Who would have thought our two families would become so entwined…” Clarke pauses after what she had just said. “It's going to be impossible to stay away from Lexa with everyone so close and connected.” Octavia bites back what she wanted to say and Clarke notices. “Just spit it out.”

“Then don't stay away from her.”

“It's not that simple…”

Octavia sits up. “I wanna show you something. Get your bag and shoes, were going to take a drive.” She pulls out her phone and sends a quick text before they leave.

  
Clarke is confused when they pull up to a a big house just inside the northeast boarder of Detroit. She thought maybe they were going to their old house but this was a different neighborhood. She was even more confused when she heard Lexa's car pull up behind them.

“Where are we?” Clarke asks before they get out.

“This is where Lexa and I work. I'll let her help explain, come on.” Octavia gets out of the car and Clarke follows.

“Hey.” Lexa greets them both with a smile but lets her eyes linger on Clarke. “Follow me. I wanna show you something that wouldn't have been possible with out you.” She reaches for Clarke's hand, which the blonde takes without thought.

They walked into the huge old house and Clarke's mouth dropped once inside. There were four teens hanging out in the living watching TV. When they saw everyone walk in they greeted Lexa and Octavia enthusiastically. Clarke also noticed there was a woman in scrubs, as she walked out of the kitchen.

“Hey, I thought you guys were taking a few days off?” The woman says before coming up to hug both Octavia and Lexa.

“We are, just wanted to show this place to someone. Callie, I would like to introduce you to Clarke Griffin.” Lexa tells her.

They woman was shocked but in a good way. “Clarke!” She turns to her and reaches her hand out to shake. “Oh it's so nice to meet you honey.”

“It's nice to meet you too.” Clarke was a little hesitant, still not knowing what was going on.

“Wow. I can't believe you're here. You are the reason all of this was possible. Bless you, Clarke. Bless your sweet soul.” A phone rings and Callie excuses herself so she can go answer it.

Clarke turns to Lexa with a look of question on her face. “Ok. What's going on? What is all of this?”

Callie comes back before Lexa can explain. “I'm sorry Lexa, but we have someone on the phone about that new grant…”

“I'll take it. You show her around.” Octavia tells them and follows Callie.

“What is this place?” Clarke asks after taking Lexa's hand again without thinking.

“This is our group home Clarke. Octavia and I started going to mental illness support groups after you left and started volunteering where ever we could. Eventually, we wanted to do more than just volunteer after we met some of the kids in the groups. A lot of them were staying in shelters and didn't have the means to get out and overcome what they were going through. And we thought we could help change that.” Lexa starts leading them around the big house to show Clarke. “Over a quarter of all homeless youth have some type of untreated mental illness. And to us, that was just unacceptable, so we wanted to do something about it. We take them in and have doctors on staff that help with their therapy and medication. We also have a program that helps them finish their schooling or get their GED. And then, we have connections to set them up with jobs or get them into college to finish their education, so they can move on and start their life.”

Clarke's eyes start to water as they walk around the home. She tries to talk but is too choked up. Lexa squeezes her hand letting her know she was there for her.

"Right now we have ten beds, all filled and eventually our goal is to get another few houses up and running over the next few years. We have group twice a day and don't require anyone to join in but everyone participates anyway.” Lexa looks at her watch. “Group is actually going to start in a few minutes if you want to sit in?”

Clarke looks nervous so Lexa doesn't push. “I… I don't know.”

“We don't have to, just thought I would offer. But if you don't mind, I want to peek my head in to see how a couple of the new kids are doing.” Clarke nods and they walk back into the living room, which was now filled with everyone.

“Lexa!” A few of the new kids call out.

“Hey. You guys all right?” She asks going around bumping fists with everyone. Clarke hangs back to just watch the interaction.

"I passed my practice math test.” One of the girls tells her.

“I knew you would, Tris.” Lexa tells her and pats her shoulder.

“Callie said you would be off for a few days, are you back?” Another girl asks.

“No, just wanted to show my friend around.” Lexa tells her.

Clarke wasn't expecting that word to hurt her, but it did. Before she knew it, she started walking towards Lexa and whispers in her ear that she wants to sit in on group, while also taking her hand again. Lexa smiles and nods.

"Do you guys mind if we sit in?” Lexa looks toward a man with a clipboard and he waves his hand for them to have a seat.

“Does anyone want to go first. Should we introduce ourselves for the newcomer?” The man asks.

They each take a turn introducing themselves to Clarke and when it's her turn, it takes her a minute to find her voice. “My… my name is Clarke.” Everyone seemed to know her name and looked to Lexa, shocked. “I take it from your expressions that you may have heard about me?” She lets out a nervous laugh.

“Lexa and O. talk about you. You inspired all this.” One of the boys tells her.

Lexa could tell Clarke was starting to get a little uncomfortable from the way she was squeezing her hand so hard. “She definitely inspired us, but so did you Atom.” She tells him. “And you too, Tris.” She looks at a few more of the kids. “All of you guys did. Every single one of you in this room inspires me every single day. You all inspire me with your stories and strength. You don't let your illness define you. Do we not try to remind you of that everyday.”

“Yea. That and to take our pills.” Tris says and everyone either laughs or groans.

Lexa laughs with them. “Yes, we also do that. I know you guys are not a big fan of the medication.”

“It just sucks Lexa. Like, I had to get new meds this month and the adjustment... it's hard. I either couldn't sleep or slept too much.” Atom tells her.

“Are you still having trouble sleeping?” She asks him.

“No it stopped after a week or so.”

“Well that's good. I know you think we harp on you all the time about your meds, but it's only because they are an important part of your treatment. I can't imagine how it feels to have to take them because I don't. But, I want you to remember to talk to Dr Jackson if something is bothering you when it comes to your meds. Or me. You guys know I'm always here to help you. Sometimes the meds just don't work and we have to try until we get it right.”

“Are you guys talking about meds?” Octavia says walking in the room. She immediately looks to Tris and points a finger. “Did you take yours?”

Everyone laughs while the girl playfully rolls her eyes. “Yes! I took them.”

“Ok good. How did your practice test go?”

A sly smile spreads over the girls face. "Passed."

“I knew it.” Octavia runs over and high fives the girl before turning to Lexa. “I'm going to need to steal you for a second.”

Lexa looks over to Clarke who nods that she will be ok. Once they leave, Clarke turns back to the group and finds all the kids eyes were on her.

“I'm bipolar too.” Tris says.

"I'm sorry.” Clarke tells her honestly.

The girl shrugs. “I'm also a singer, an Aries, left handed, a pansexual and many more things.”

Clarke is confused for a second until she remembers what Lexa had said. “You don't let your illness define you.”

The girl shakes her head no. “It's just another one of the pieces that make me who I am.” Clarke can't help but look in the direction that Lexa went after hearing what Tris had said. “Yeaaa, Lexa's the one who told me that. And she was right. Do you let your illness define you?”

The question takes Clarke back and her honest answer even more so. “Yes.”

“How so?” The counselor asks, stepping into the conversation. “Can you give us some examples?”

Clarke gathers her courage and talks about her illness openly for the first time in a long time. “I ran away from everyone because I hurt them. I ran away from my entire life, so I could protect the people I love, from me. The things that can happen, have happened during my episodes… I didn’t want to keep doing that to them.”

“With treatment…” The counselor starts before Clarke interrupts.

“Treatment does not mean cure. I can take the medicine and talk to the doctors, that doesn't mean I won't have episodes.”

“You forgot one thing that helps, especially during an episode. Something that you actually have.” Tris tells her. “A support system. An understanding, loving support system. Not a lot of people have that. We didn't have that before we came here. I got kicked out of my house at fourteen years old because my mom caught me kissing another girl. I experienced mania for the first time in a shelter, alone. Now I'm here. I got these fools now to help me out and get through the harder days.” The two girls sitting next to her grab each one of her hands. “Dr Jackson helps me, as well as Callie, Lexa and Octavia. You can have that too.”

Clarke's eyes start to water as she thinks about what the girl said. She does have the best support system anyone could ask for, and she turned her back on them. But it was only to protect them. “I… I don't want to hurt them again.” She couldn't hold back her tears any longer when Tris got up and walked over to give her a hug.

“Mental illness or not, everyone sometimes hurts the people they love. The good thing about what you have, is that they know all about what you are going through. They understand and know the warning signs to look out for. So yea, the meds, psychiatrists and therapists won't stop the episodes completely, but that's where your support comes in. They can keep an eye on your behavior during your episodes so that you don't do the destructive things that hurt them, or you.”

“I've done so much damage.” Clarke says through her tears. “Unforgivable damage.”

“And yet… they are still here.” Tris catches sight of Lexa and Octavia standing just within ear shot holding on to each other with tears in there own eyes. “They still fight for you, when you can't fight for yourself. But you know what? Even though it might not seem like it, you are fighting. You're still here. You're still breathing. You are not your illness, Clarke. Don't let it define you. Don't let it control your life.”

Clarke nods and tries to wipe her eyes the best she can. Then tris reaches over and gives her another hug.

“Don't give up. I'm here for you.” Tris tells her.

Then all the other kids take turns getting up and hug Clarke, telling her the same thing, or something similar. Octavia and Lexa made their way in to the room too, to take theirs.

“I love you Clarke.” Octavia tells her while hugging her tight. “Don't give up. I'm here for you.”

When it was Lexa's turn, she bent down on her heels so she could look her in the eyes. Clarke gripped her shoulders and started sobbing violently. Lexa cupped her face so she would look at her and whispered her words because they were only for her. “You are so strong, Clarke. The strongest person I have ever met. Don't give up, Love. I am here for you. I will always be here for you, no matter what.” Lexa hoped Clarke knew what she meant. That Lexa would be there for her no matter what happened as a friend, if that's what she wanted. Or more. It didn't matter. She would always be there for her.

Lexa went to get up after Clarke nodded but she wrapped her arms around Lexa bringing her in for a hug. They both held on as tight as they could to the other, while Clarke's cries quieted.

The counselor dismissed the group quietly but Tris stayed back. Once Clarke and Lexa broke apart she walked up to them. “It was very nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you and read Lexa's book even. It might sound strange, but I feel connected to you in a way because we're so similar. And I hope you know that I meant what I said. I know I could really use another friend that gets me. We could help each other if you want.”

Clarke reaches for the girl and takes her into another embrace. “I would really like that.”

“Me too. We have group everyday.” She pulls back. “Maybe I'll see you here tomorrow?”

Clarke looks to both Lexa and Octavia before answering. “Yes. I think you will.”

"Awesome. But I gotta go study for my reading part of the GED. I'll see you tomorrow Clarke.” She gives both Lexa and Octavia a fist bump before walking back towards the bedrooms.

Without thinking, Clarke goes back up to Lexa and puts her arms around her waist, needing comfort from the one person who could actually give it to her. “Can you take me home?”

“Of course I can.” Lexa said and kissed Clarke's head.

“Will you stay with me for a bit?” Clarke's voice was vulnerable when she asked this.

Lexa squeezed Clarke harder. “I'll stay with you for as long as you’ll let me, Love.”

 

 

 

 

________

 


	14. Love is eternal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man. So first of all, so sorry this is late. This chapter gave me problem from the first written word I believe haha. And I also want to apologize for not including Lexa's narrative. I chickened out and going to try and post it next chapter. It just wasnt right and I NEED it to be right. 
> 
> I hope you all like the chapter regardless! 
> 
> Thank you for all your love and support through this story it truly means the world to me. I hope to have another update asap as long as I can get it right. 
> 
> Much love to you all

The car ride to Clarke's house was quieter than Lexa had expected. She was prepared to answer Clarke's questions on the home and anything else the blonde might have been wondering about but none of them came. Lexa stole little glances at the love of her life while they drove. Just like when Lexa bites her lips, Clarke bites her fingers when she is nervous and that's what she had been doing.

 

When they pulled up to Clarke's house, Lexa shut off the car but didn't try to get out. Instead she turned to Clarke and reaches for her hand.

 

“You wanna go in?” She asked, once those baby blues were on her.

 

Clarke gives her a smile that doesn't seem so forced before she nods. They join there hands again once they are outside the car and walk up to the closed garage door. “Oh wait… I don't have keys.”

 

Lexa walks up the the keypad and typed in a code, which made the garage door start to open. She laughs when Clarke raises an eyebrow.

 

“So then I guess you don't need a tour… which is good because I don't really know where everything is at yet.” Clarke tells her once they make it through into the house. “Except for my room. I know where that is.”

 

Lexa laughs. “Well you can show me your room. I haven't been in there since they put it together.”

 

“No?” Clarke says, leading them upstairs. “Well, did you know that I have my very own bathroom?” She opens the door and flips on the light showing her.

 

Lexa fakes surprise. “Whaaaat?”

 

Clarke laughs and playfully slaps Lexa in the stomach. “It's very exciting news, Lexa. I've never had my own bathroom before.”

 

Once they get into the room Clarke throws her bag on her bed while Lexa looks around. The brunette walks straight up to the pictures Clarke had drawn of Dez. “You're so talented, Clarke.” She tells her, picking up one of the pictures.

 

Clarke just shrugs, never one to take a compliment well. “I want to give that one to Aden for his birthday.”

 

“Clarke, he's going to love it.” Lexa tells her before putting it back down and moving to all the old pictures on the wall.

 

“I hope so.” Clarke watches as Lexa takes in every drawing like it's the first time she had seen it. The smile in her face was genuine, making Clarke's heart flutter in her chest. Lexa always believed in Clarke and her art. Always told her to follow through with it but Clarke knew better.

 

“He will Clarke. I know he will. God, I've missed seeing these everyday.” Lexa tells her sincerely as she runs her hands over all the art.

 

“Lexa…” Clarke says before bringing her fingers to her mouth.

 

Lexa turns around giving her full attention to the beautiful girl on the bed. “Hmmm?”

 

“I'm tired. Are you tired?”

 

Lexa nods because she was feeling more than a little tired. She hadn't been sleeping as much due to everything.

 

“Do you…” Clarke stops, unable to get her question out and Lexa walks up to stand in front of her. When Clarke looks up into those green eyes, she finds the strength to finish. “Do you want to stay here and nap with me?”

 

“I do.” Lexa says with the special smile only Clarke receives.

 

While Clarke takes off her shoes and stands up to get out of her jeans, Lexa swallows hard before turning around, to give her some privacy. This does not go unnoticed by Clarke who can't help but smile. Lexa was also so polite and respectful, even when there was no need to be.

 

“At least this bed is bigger than my old one.” Clarke tells her while pulling the covers back.

 

“I didn't mind your old one.” Lexa says with a sly smile.

 

Clarke laughs. “Yea because if we were laying in it, we were forced to cuddle.”

 

Lexa scoffs. “Forced? Like you didn't love it.”

 

“I did love it.” Clarke admits, once Lexa joins her in the bed. “Still do…” Clarke says softly but Lexa had heard her and scoots herself until her side is just touching Clarke's.

 

“Then get over here.” Lexa whispers and holds her arms out.

 

Clarke smiles and positions herself in Lexa's strong embrace, laying her head on Lexa's chest. She listens to Lexa's heart beat, noticing it was a little faster than normal. But, it always was in the beginning of when they cuddled. She can't stop herself from reaching her hand up Lexa's shirt to ghost her fingers over Lexa's bare stomach. She bites her lip when she feels Lexa's abs harden at the contact and start trembling.

 

“Is this ok?” Clarke asks looking up at Lexa who had her eyes closed. Lexa swallows hard again but nods her approval. They remain quiet for a few minutes, until Clarke can't take it anymore and needs to confess. “I looked at your phone when we went to breakfast…”

 

“Yea?” Lexa said with absolutely no anger in her voice.

 

“Lexi…” Clarke said while peeking up again. Lexa nods, understanding, but before she can say anything Clarke continues. “That's why I left this morning. I saw her text and then my mind just kind of went crazy… which I know I have absolutely no right to think all of the things I was because I left you so you could find someone…”

 

Lexa is quiet as Clarke rambles on all of her thoughts, letting her finish. Once she is done, Lexa lifts Clarke's chin up to look at her. “Nothing has happened between Ontari and I. Nothing will _ever_ happen between Ontari and I. You don't need to worry yourself over it Clarke, we are friends.”

 

“But I shouldn't have the right to worry and question. I left you…”

 

“But you still love me.” I was more a statement than a question and it caused Clarke to move her fingers to her mouth before she nods. “So, it makes since that you would think that and it's not wrong that you do.”

 

Clarke gets quiet again and moves her hand back under Lexa's shirt. She couldn't help it. It made her feel safe and comfortable. After a few minutes, Clarke couldn't hold back her question anymore. “Did you tell her you were going?”

 

“I did not. I forgot to text her back, actually.”

 

“Are you going to?” Lexa shrugs under her. “You don't know if your going or you don't know if you will tell her?”

 

“I don't know if I'm going.”

 

Clarke scoots up and off Lexa's chest and lays her head next to hers on the pillow. “Because of me?”

 

“Yes.” It was the truth.

 

Clarke starts shaking her head. “I don't want you to not celebrate with Aden because of me.”

 

“Well, I don’t want to miss a single second of time that could be spent with you. Plus, when mom and pops get back, we will have a family dinner to celebrate his birthday.”

 

“What if… what if I go with you?”

 

Lexa tried not to get her hopes up but couldn't stop the smile. “To the dinner or the party?”

 

“Both…”

 

“I would love that but only if your ok with it.” Lexa doesn't think before she brings her hand up to push some hair away from Clarke's face.

 

Again, the room grows quiet while Clarke thinks things over. “Lexa…”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Did I tell you how much I love my table?”

 

Lexa smiles and pulls Clarke closer. “You did.”

 

“You said you were trying out a bunch of different hobbies? What other ones did you try?” Clarke can feel Lexa start to shake with laughter. She raises up on her arm a little so she can look at her. “What?”

 

“Well let's see… I started back up on my piano classes from when I was a kid. Mom was super happy about that. Then there was the cooking class. I did pretty well with that one actually. My culinary expertise has now surpassed breakfast foods, I'll have you know.” Lexa doesn't hold back on her pride about the fact.

 

“Oh really?” Clarke draws out, with a smile.

 

“Mhmm. But that and the wood work are the extent of my successful trials.”

 

Clarke lays her head back down on the pillow above Lexa's shoulder, still smiling. “So what did you try that wasn't so successful?”

 

“Well, you know I was never really into art.”

 

Clarke traces Lexa's jawline with one finger. “Not until _I_ opened your eyes to the wonderful new world.”

 

“Exactly. Well, I never took an art class in school, so I signed up for a couple at Macomb Community College.”

 

“You did!” Clarke sits up again excited. “Which ones?”

 

Lexa brings a hand up to cover her eyes. “Painting and pottery.”

 

“Really?” Clarke pulls Lexa's hand away so she could see her eyes. “You didn't do well?”

 

Lexa lets out a big laugh. “Clarke, I was terrible. Who knew mixing colors would be so hard! And the pottery… what the fuck is all of that? I made my mom what I guess you could call a vase, that really shouldn't hold any liquid… but anyway, so I made it for her and I could tell she thought it was the ugliest thing she had ever seen.” Lexa laughs again shaking her head. “It was though to be fair. But when I went to hand it to her it…” Lexa throws up some air quotes. “… _slipped_.”

 

Clarke has to quickly cover her mouth to hide the laughter. “No she didn't.” Lexa slowly nods up and down with a fake scowl. “Oh Lexa.” Clarke pouts at her. “I would have loved it.”

 

“No, it really was ugly, Love. I do not have an artistic bone in my body. So… yep those were basically all the hobbies I tried.”

 

The smallest of blushes quickly makes its way across Lexa's cheeks and Clarke notices. “You sure there's nothing else?”

 

“Um…”

 

“Lexa! Tell me.” It had to be good if Lexa was embarrassed. Clarke needed to know but Lexa was staying tight lipped. So that meant if she wanted the info, she would need to play dirty. Clarke lets her hand slide down to just above Lexa's knee, where she is most ticklish and starts squeezing.

 

Lexa tries to hold her composure the best she can but she can't stop her squirming, causing Clarke to climb on top of her so she wouldn't try to get away. “Ok fine! I'll tell you! Stop, please!” Lexa takes in a few deep breaths. “You always go straight for my secret weakness. Have you no shame?”

 

“Nope. So spill it.” Clarke commands, keeping her hand right where it was, just in case.

 

“I… they convinced me to…” Lexa bites her lip in a shy manner.

 

The action draws Clarke's focus, which Lexa uses to her advantage. She flips them around, while also taking both of Clarke's wrists into one of her hands. Then she uses the other girl's own attack against her. Clarke was also very ticklish above the knee.

 

"Lexa!” Clarke calls out in between her laughter. She tries to wiggle free from beneath the brunette but Lexa is too strong. Which actually always worked out for Clarke in the end. “Ouch! Wait… Lexa.” Clarke puts on her best pained expression.

 

Her plan works as Lexa releases her hold immediately and lifts her weight off of Clarke's body so she could look down to see where Clarke was hurt. Not wanting Lexa's worry to go on any longer, Clarke raises a hand, using her finger to draw Lexa's chin back up. She has a playful smile on her face once their eyes meet. Lexa's mouth drops in recognition of Clarke's familiar ruse.

 

“What? I can't help that you fall for it every single time!” Clarke admits.

 

Lexa laughs softly as she stares down at the beauty laying below her. She takes in Clarke's face, committing the proud smile spread across her lips to memory. And when the smile disappears, Lexa almost pouts but the hard bob of Clarke's throat draws her attention. Then she notices the hot flush spreading across Clarke's chest.

 

When her eyes finally find Clarke's again, she notices that they are much darker. But what makes Lexa's heart start to race, was when Clarke started to tremble slightly and bite her lip while staring at Lexa's. It was always what she did when she wanted and was waiting for Lexa to kiss her.

 

Swallowing hard herself, Lexa then licks her lips as she debates. When she hears Clarke take in a sharp breath, Lexa realizes she was bending down to kiss her.

 

The second their lips connect there was a knock on the bedroom door. “Clarke honey, are you home?” Abby’s voice says from behind the door.

 

Clarke had jumped being startled from the knock. Lexa however, rolled off the bed at the sound of Clarke's mother's voice coming from behind the door. Which was then followed by a loud thud when Lexa's head connected with the night stand.

 

It always made Clarke laugh before when they were interrupted, because Lexa's expressions were and reactions were priceless. This time though, she didn't find it funny.

 

“Oh my god!” Clarke hops off the bed and bends down in front of Lexa.

 

“Clarke, is everything all right?” Abby tries the door handle but Clarke had locked it when she closed it. “Is Lexa here? I noticed her car in the driveway.” Clarke could hear the anxious tone in her mother's voice.

 

“Yea mom. Lexa's here.” Clarke reaches out to touch the already raised spot on Lexa's head.

 

“Oh good. Aden is on his way to drop off Desirea. Do you two want to join us for dinner? Or are you guys going to his party?”

 

“Um… I don't know yet. We’ll be out in a few.”

 

“Ok honey.” Abby tells her before her retreating footsteps can be heard.

 

“Lexa oh god, are you ok.” Clarke's face showed concern while Lexa's was nothing but amused.

 

“I cannot believe that just happened.” Lexa lets out a loud laugh. “Wait. No, yes I can.” She laughs again and shakes her head.

 

“Are you ok?” Clarke asks her again, reaching for her free hand.

 

“I am fine, Love. Aside from my bruised ego, I assure you.” She notices Clarke's worry and shakes her head. “Really, I'm fine. Just super embarrassed.”

 

Clarke gets up almost offended. “It's me, you don't need to be embarrassed.”

 

Lexa rises up as well and goes to stand in front of Clarke. She rubs the back of her neck and clears her throat. This causes Clarke to sigh, knowing that there was an apology right on the tip of Lexa's tongue. She didn't want an apology from her. Clarke grabs Lexa by the front of her shirt and pulls her closer. “You did nothing wrong, Lexa. Please don't apologize for making me feel human again.”

 

Lexa is taken back by the comment and brings her hand up. “I'm not sorry.” She whispers, while she strokes Clarke's cheek. Clarke nods and does everything in her power not to start crying again. She's been crying non stop it felt like and she didn't want to ruin this moment any more than it already was. “Just know, I wasn't trying to rush you. I'm not trying to make you…”

 

“Ugh. Lexa, that's  basically an apology, without actually saying _I'm sorry_.” Clarke rolls her eyes and goes to sit on the bed.

 

Lexa goes to sit next to her, putting her hand on Clarke's thigh. “I'm not sorry.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes again. “I know there is a _but_ in there somewhere.”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “No _but_ , I swear.” And to prove her point, she takes a chance and kisses Clarke again. This kiss wasn't heated, but was no less meaningful. When she pulls back, Clarke's eyes are still closed and when they slowly open again, a smile spreads across her beautiful face.

 

Before Clarke can say what she wants, a car can be heard pulling up outside the house.

 

“I think Aden is here.” Clarke says instead.

 

The car outside honks three times. "I think you're right.” Lexa agrees and laughs.

 

“Is he not going to come inside?” Clarke gets up to go look out the window.

 

Lexa laughs again. “He is, that's just him making sure his car is locked.”

 

Clarke gasps and then busts out laughing. “He drives a minivan?”

 

“Yea. He had to sell his Supra to buy it when Dez was born. He hates it.” She gets up and goes to stand behind Clarke. “Can you keep a secret?”

 

Clarke turns around nodding. Lexa leans in close to Clarke's ear, so she can whisper her secret but the action causes Clarke to close her eyes shudder in the best of ways. “I got him a Skyline-GTR for his birthday.”

 

“What?” Clarke pulls back and hits Lexa in the arm. “No you didn't!”

 

"Well...” Lexa smiles an innocent grin. “I got him the body of one and the engine and trans from another. He will have to build it himself but…” Lexa shrugs. “I've been storing it at the group home, so I figure he can come and work on it with some of the kids. They have all been interested in it since it's been sitting and Pops probably won't let him work on it in the garage anyways since it's an import so, it's a win win.”

 

Bewildered, Clarke just stares at Lexa until the sound of a crying one year old carries up from the first floor. Her eyes move to the closed door for a moment and then back to Lexa's green ones.

 

"Do you wanna head down?” Lexa asks and Clarke nods and throws her pants back on before grabbing Lexa's hand, leading the way.

 

 

Abby was holding a screaming Dez when they walked downstairs but when she saw Clarke the baby stopped crying instantly.

 

“Hi baby.” Clarke coos at her while getting closer. Dez reaches for Clarke, almost falling out of Abby's arms. “Oh, careful.” She kisses Dez’s cheeks once she takes her in her arms.

 

Aden sighs and falls into one of the lazy boys in Abby's living room. “Oh thank god. She has been screaming for the last hour.”

 

“She must have just wanted her Auntie, ain't that right?” Clarke says as she bounces a smiling Dez in her arms.

 

“You've met Dez?” Abby asks the blonde.

 

Clarke nods. “Yes. We had some quality time this morning at Lexa's.”

 

"Oh." Abby says softly. “So that's where you snuck off to last night? Well I was going to see if you were going to stay for dinner and hangout with us. Marcus is going to be stopping by in a little bit.”

 

“Or you can come to my party!” Aden hops up out of the chair going to hug and kiss his daughter before doing the same to Clarke. “It's up to you. But I have to be heading back home. I left Raven alone and I'm scared she will drink the entire keg we got.” He moves to Abby and kisses her too. “Thank you for watching her.”

 

“Anytime baby boy. She loves spending time with her nonna. Be safe and don't drink too much.” Clarke watches their interaction carefully, which Lexa notices.

 

“I won't.” Aden lies, which makes Abby roll her eyes. He laughs and goes to give Dez another kiss. “Hope to see you guys there.”

 

“I think we're going to come.” Clarke says shocking everyone. She kisses the baby one more time and gives her back to Abby. “Here you go, nonna.”

 

Lexa notices how the word is said in almost a bitter tone and she reminds herself to ask Clarke about it when they were alone.

 

"I'm going to go get ready. Do you wanna come with me?” She asks Lexa. Lexa of course nods and follows her back up the stairs.

 

 

The room was quiet as Clarke pulled out all of the clothes in her dresser, looking for something to wear. There were too many options and too many new things. Before she could get too overwhelmed, Lexa was there to distract her.

 

“Do you remember that night we got stuck on Harsens island?”

 

The memory floods Clarke's mind, calming every bit of anxiety that was building. “Yes.” She forgets all about the clothes and moves to stand in front of Lexa. “We missed the last ferry out. Lincoln offered to pick us up with his boat, but you wouldn't leave your car behind.”

 

“On a mysterious island all by itself?” Lexa jokes.

 

Clarke takes a step closer to Lexa and raises her eyebrow. “Mysterious island. You know every inch of that place.”

 

“True.” Lexa laughs and nods.

 

“I've actually thought about that night a lot. The surprise meteor shower. There is no way you didn't know about it. You read the news every morning.” Lexa's smile turns to a knowing one. “You also just so happened to have a blanket and pillows in your car so we could lay on the hood and watch.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “Coincidence?”

 

Clarke shakes her head. “No. No, I don't think that it was.” She wraps her arms around Lexa's waist and puts her head on her shoulder. “Can we go back to the night? Go back to before everything happened?”

 

Bringing her arms up and around the girl who held her heart, Lexa wished that was possible. She doesn't say that though. She stays quiet and lets her embrace do all the talking for her.

 

After a few minutes, Clarke starts to pull back. “I should probably start getting ready.”

 

“Are you sure you wanna go?”

 

Moving to her dresser again, Clarke nods. “I don't want to stay here. I want to be someplace familiar and with you.” She whispers the last part.

 

“If it gets to be…”

 

“I will let you know if it's too much.” Turning to look over her shoulder Clarke finishes Lexa's sentence and then pulls out one of Lexa's old Tshirts that was stuffed in the bottom of a drawer. She smiles before putting it on. Then pulls her hair up into a ponytail. “All right, I'm ready. Get me out of here.”

 

 

 

Before heading to the party, Lexa made sure to make a pit stop for carry out from one of Clarke's favorite restaurants, to be sure Clarke ate something before the party. Then she drove them to Brandenburg park that was located down the street from her parents house, so they could stop and eat.

 

“Oh my god. Yum, Lexa. Thank you so much.” Clarke says after taking a bite of her slice of pizza from Buddy's. “All I need is a black cherry Faygo and I will be in heaven.”

 

Lexa smiles before pointing towards the insulated six pack cooler that was built in the dashboard of the 240.

 

“No way…” Clarke puts her slice of pizza back in the open box between them and wipes her hands on a napkin before clicking open the lid. Inside staring back at her was her favorite childhood drink. Even though they didn't have any money, her dad would always be able to scrounge up the change to buy her one when she had asked.

 

“I picked it up on my way to meet you guys earlier. Should still be pretty cold.”

 

“Lexa… thank you.” What some might consider a small gesture, the act spoke volumes to Clarke. She twists off the cap and takes a slow pull, letting  pleasant memories flood her at the taste. Closing her eyes, Clarke smiles after taking the sip. “I'm home.”

 

 

 

 

The bright lights and loud music could be heard the second they turned down the long driveway to Lexa's parents house. The Woods family were capable of throwing huge parties, but add in a certain Raven Reyes to the mix and the parties become something unheard of.

 

There were three different types of bounce houses, full of drunken partygoers, a DJ and dance floor just in the front yard.

 

“Raven.” Lexa confirms Clarke's suspicion as she tries to find a place to park.

 

When they get out of the car, their hands find one another's as soon as they start walking up from where they parked. “I think this has all your house parties beat by a hundred.” Clarke tells her as she pulls Lexa to a stop in front of a snow cone cart.

 

“What can I get for you two?” The vendor asks them.

 

Clarke saw the bottles he was using for flavoring were all alcohol and was going to decline. She truly didn't like to drink and only did so when her nerves were beyond shot.

 

“Do you have any nonalcoholic flavors?” Lexa asks, knowing Clarke as much as she does.

 

The vendor nods, giving them each a blue raspberry and Lexa tips the guy before they keep heading to the party itself. They hadn't made it up the driveway yet, at that point.

 

The entire perimeter was roped off and when they made it to the front, Clarke recognized the acting “bouncers” immediately.

 

“Lexa!” Two of Clarke's oldest friends, Jasper and  Monte call out, at the same time. They were both holding handfuls of cash from collecting the cover charge and were also covered in an  assortment of glow sticks and blinking LED rave gear.

 

“And friend…? You brought a date?” Jasper asks as he pulls down his glow in the dark pair of sunglasses. When he gets a good look at Clarke he squints at Lexa. “Are you crazy? She looks just like Clarke. What kinda weird shit…”

 

“Jasper…” Clarke laughs making his eyes go wide.

 

"Clarke?” Monte pushes Jasper aside and rushes the blonde. “Is it really you? Are you really home?” He asks while squeezing her tightly.

 

“Yes, I am.” Clarke tells him before Jasper inserts himself in to the hug.

 

“Clarke's home!” Jasper yells to everyone in earshot and they all cheer and raise their solo cups and bottles. Most of them didn't even know her but were excited nonetheless. And drunk, so.

 

“Throw your keys in the fish tank and we’ll take you to go see the birthday boy!” Monte points to the fifty gallon fish tank that was overflowing with sets of car keys. It was the number one rule at the Woods house. You drink, you stay till dawn breaks.

 

“I'm not drinking.” Clarke tells them and they know it to be true.

 

“Then right this way, my lady.” Jasper holds his hand out and leads her towards a huge open tent set up outside the barn, overlooking the party. "Coming through with a VIP! Move your asses!" Jasper calls out while pushing through the giant sea of people.

 

“Aren't you supposed to be collecting cover?” Lexa asks them after they walked a little ways. The two boys and Clarke share a look and then a laugh.

 

“There probably isn't a cover.” Clarke tells Lexa, still smiling. “This is one of their scams. Post up outside a raging party and charge randoms a cover.”

 

“And with a party this size.” They both wave the cash still clutched in the hands before kissing the wads.

 

“Did you ever do this to any of my parties?”

 

The three childhood friends share another laugh. “Every single one! But don't worry, we cut your girl in on the profits.”

 

Clarke's mouth drops from being sold out and she punches both her friends in the arm before she turns to a grinning Lexa. “They just cut me in for the first one, and I used the money to buy that leather bound journal I got you for Christmas.”

 

“Well, how could I be mad when the end result was the best present I had ever been given.” Clarke grabs Lexa's hand again after that statement and they walked like that the rest of the way.

 

 

“Clarke you came!” Aden says as soon as they enter the tent. He was laying on one of his couches that they brought out from the barn and sits up. He had a drink in his hand and was wearing a life vest, making Clarke laugh when she sees it.

 

“They still make you wear that?” She throws her head back laughing before she walks over to hug Lincoln and Octavia, who were sitting on one of the other couches. “Hi guys.”

 

Aden throws side eyes at an also chuckling Lexa before answering. "Yep. It's still the rule. If I'm drinking around the lake I gotta wear it.” He looks down at the orange flotation device that has _Aden's Drinkin Vest_ written on it in black sharpie and Lexa's script. “Rae even hired lifeguards for the night and they still won't let me slide!”

 

Clarke falls down next to him on the couch and gives him a hug and kiss. “Well you did almost drown and Lexa had to give you cpr.”

 

Aden makes a disgusted face before chugging the rest of his cup of beer. “Gross. Don't remind me.”

 

Laughing Clarke grabs his face and kisses his cheek again. “Happy birthday.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out the picture of Dez she drew for him.

 

“Oh shit. Fuck this is so good Clarke!” His face shows pure joy as he takes in the picture. “This is amazing, I can't wait to put this up, Monique is going to flip when she sees it. Thank you, for real.” He takes off the bulky vest so he could give her a real hug without it getting in the way.

 

“Has anyone seen Reyes?” A voice calls into the tent. It was a voice Clarke was very familiar with and hadn't heard since she was home. Anya’s eyes go wide when she notices Clarke. “As I live and breath… Clarke Griffin. Wow! Good to see you, kid.”

 

“Hi Anya.” Clarke gets up to go give the older girl a hug.

 

“Oh look! Clarke's here!” Raven makes her way over with two cups of beer handing one to Lexa. “Oh and Lexa I need your help running another hose to the giant slip n slide we made.”

 

“Raven I told you to tone down the party.” Anya says before turning to Lexa. “Your parents are coming home tomorrow evening. Look at all of this! There is no way…”

 

“Oh my god…” Raven tips her head back and groans. “I'll have a clean up crew here by noon tomorrow. Chill out for once with your tight ass.”

 

“My tight ass?” Anya crosses her arms, glaring at Raven.

 

“Yea. And not tight as in hot either.” She makes sure to look at everyone who was laughing or smiling while watching the interaction. “Trust me and just unclench for just a sec.”

 

“Is that what you whisper to her in bed?” Octavia asks before tipping back her bottle of water, while everyone laughs.

 

“No.” Raven forces out a scoff. “That's ridiculous. Who would want to take her to bed? I can see how that permanent scowl of disappointment she always wears could be a turn on to some, but…” Raven shrugs.  “It does nothing for me.”

 

When everyone looks to Anya to see how she was going to respond, the very look Raven had described was set on her face. Aden and Jasper each fell out of the couches they were sitting in as they were laughing so hard.

 

"Fuck you all!” Anya says before pushing Lexa who was the closest one that was laughing. “Anyways I just came to warn you about you parents. It's not my funeral if they come home and see this.”

 

“It's not mine either. It would all be on money bags and the birthday boy. I don't live here anymore.” Lexa ruffles Aden's hair before helping him off the ground.

 

Clarke's ears perk up. She's been tip toeing around asking Lexa where she moved to. At first when Lexa said she didn't live at the barn, she was scared it was far away or out of state even. But after going to the group home, that possibility seemed far fetched. She decided she was going to ask her later on and find out.

 

 

Even though there was a crazy party going on outside around them, the group of friends stayed in Aden's VIP tent for a few hours. They drank,  laughed, and smoked some of Monte and Jasper's home grown medical grade bud. They all were just having the best time catching up. At one point though Raven and Anya disappeared and that's when the birthday boy was also called out by the DJ.

 

“Clarke…” Octavia says when she hears one of their old songs they used to love to dance to. Clarke was already getting up before her name was called.

 

Grabbing her best friends hand, she leads them out to the crowd and dance floor. Even given all the circumstances, Clarke still loved to dance. Especially with those she loved.

 

The second her and Octavia's song was through, Clarke knew she could turn around and Lexa would be there waiting. So she backs up a few paces until Lexa's familiar scent engulfs her followed by a strong arm around her waist. And then they dance.

 

Clarke loved dancing with Lexa. She loved the closeness of their bodies and how Lexa's warmth enveloped her own. They were always so in sync when they danced. Clarke had a way to feel every note throughout her entire body and Lexa was able to always match it perfectly. Although she didn't know if Lexa was feeling the music or just was really good as reading Clarke's own body. Probably the latter. Definitely the latter.

 

It drove her wild the way Lexa's long fingers would grip her hips almost possessively, when Lexa would dance behind her. But when they would dance face to face, is what really did Clarke in. Lexa's intense gaze while watching Clarke move always made her knees weak. It wasn't like the gazes she got from the men and women at the clubs. Those were all pure lust. Lexa's gaze contained lust sure, but also love, respect and devotion. So, Clarke made sure to prepare herself before turning around in the brunette’s arms… but she never even stood a chance.

 

The second their eyes met, Clarke pulled Lexa in for a heated kiss. She felt those strong fingers still, before squeezing her hips even harder. Clarke pulls her lips back only enough to speak a few words. “Take me somewhere.” Lexa goes to pull back to look at her but Clarke shakes her head and takes Lexa's lips again. When she pulls back, farther this time, she couldn't see any green left in Lexa's eyes. “I'm going to go say goodbye, can you go get my bag and then can we leave?” A hard swallow and head nod was all Lexa was able to respond with. Clarke smiled and kissed her one last time before making her rounds of goodbyes.

 

The only person she wasn't able to find was Aden, so Clarke went to go check inside the barn to see if he was in there. “Aden?” She calls and gets no response. While inside though, she decides to take the opportunity to freshen up and heads to the bathroom.

 

Looking at herself in the mirror Clarke hardly recognized herself. She looked good. Happy even. Which was funny because she hadn't cried like she had been doing those last few days, in years. She also hadn't slept that much in the last few days but the permanent bags that had resided under her eyes for the last three years, were gone. Clarke didn't just look happy, she was happy. And she knew that there was a lot she needed to deal with especially with her mom and Lexa. But she was ready. Ready to take her life back.

 

After taking her hair down, Clarke feels ready to go. Until she hears a voice that almost makes her want to throw it back up.

 

“Clarke.” It was Ontari.

 

“Hey Ontari. How are you?” Clarke says after coming out of the bathroom.

 

“I'm doing wonderful. My life is amazing right now. I've switched over to UFC and have had a few fights that made me a lot of money.” Ontari wore an arrogant smile. “I just came here to see Lexa and then I heard you were back. So I had to see for myself and here you are. I like the blonde, probably better for your… profession.”

 

Clarke laughs not caring about Ontari attempting to insult her. “I knew it.”

 

“Knew what?” Ontari asks, putting her designer bag on Aden’s table and crossing her arms.

 

“That you had a thing for Lexa and were jealous of me.”

 

Ontari scoffs. “Of course I had a thing for Lexa. She's Lexa fucking Woods. But don't ever think I was jealous of you. You practically ruined her life. She sold her gym…”

 

“Hold up Tanya.” Ravens voice surprises them both before her footsteps could be heard coming down from the top level that held the bed. She was putting on her shirt as she walked.

 

“My name is Ontari. We've met a dozen times.”

 

Raven fakes ignorance. “Really? That's so weird, I don't remember you at all. But hey, how about you shut the fuck up about my best friend. Especially when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.”

 

“Oh please.” Ontari rolls her eyes. “Lexa's life started crashing the second this weak bitch tried to kill herself.”

 

Aden's door slammed shut suddenly and everyone turned to see Lexa standing there. She looked cool and calm but the protruding vein in her neck told Clarke she had heard and was beyond livid.

 

“Oh shit Becky. You better run.” Raven says while leaning against the counter.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke hurried to try and block Lexa from entering further and just leave the situation alone. When she got real close she put her hands on Lexa's stomach, hoping that would take her burning gaze from Ontari. “Lexa.” She tries again before moving her hands to Lexa's trembling shoulders and giving them a squeeze. This works and Lexa's attention moves solely to Clarke. “Let's just go. Come on.” Clarke moves her hands to cup Lexa's face and kisses her trying to calm her even further. As much as she would love to watch Ontari get what's due to her after those remarks, she just didn't want all the conflict. She was starting to feel good and happy and wasn't about to let Ontari ruin it.

 

When she pulls back she can tell Lexa was thinking clearly. “Get her out of here.” She says to Raven before turning to leave.

 

And if Ontari would have just shut up, Clarke would have had her way. “Lexi…”

 

“Enough!” Lexa commands, pushing past Clarke. “How dare you think you have the right to speak to me after what I just heard come out of your mouth. You obviously don't know anything about me and we will keep it that way.” Lexa stalked all the way until she was almost touching noses with the other girl. “Do not try and contact me or a member of my family ever again. And yes…” Lexa's teeth turn to a snarl. “That includes Clarke. Now leave.”

 

"Boom! Byeee!” Raven waves and blows a kiss to Ontari.

 

Ontari looks between Clarke and Lexa and rolls her eyes again. “Fine. Good luck.” She grabs her bag and walks out of the house.

 

Lexa turns and heads back towards Clarke, going to stand in front of her. “God Clarke, I'm so sorry. Do you still wanna take off?” Clarke nods softly. “Ok. Let's go.” She takes the other girls hand. “See you later.” She tells Raven.

 

“Wait. Watch this.” Clarke whispers in Lexa's ear. “Bye Any.” She calls up to the second floor and Raven throws her head back.

 

“Bye Clarke! Welcome home!” Anya calls down.

 

“I thought we were going to be good friends you and I.” Raven shakes her head. “And yet you do me just like the rest of them.” She says before walking back towards the stairs.

 

“Which is why we're going to be great friends.” Clarke says, laughing.

 

“You got that right!” She calls down from the top step and then disappears behind the half wall.

 

“Where do you wanna go?” Lexa asks once they are outside.

 

Clarke thinks for a second and then shrugs. “I just want it to be us.”

 

“I know just the place.”

 

 

When they started heading downtown, Clarke thought maybe Lexa was taking them to the Riverwalk. She did not expect to be pulling in the private parking garage for the lofts that they always talked about buying one day.

 

“Lexa? You live here?” Clarke asks once they are out of the car.

 

“Well, when I was looking for a place I hadn't planned on coming here.” Lexa leads Clarke to the elevator and once inside presses the button for the eighth floor. “I knew the odds were slim on any of them being for sale anyway. But in the same night I found out my book was getting the green light to be published, my realtor sent me a listing in this very building.” The elevator slides open and Lexa leads them to her door. “I don't know, it just felt like a sign.”

 

“You and your signs…” Clarke starts but trails off once she was inside. It looked exactly how she imagined it would. Huge black rimmed windows and high ceilings. The brick walls were new but had the old city feel to them. The wooden floors were exactly the shade she wanted them to be.

 

"It's a three bedroom, two bath.” Lexa says as she follows Clarke around the open area. She was heading right for Lexa's bookshelves.

 

When Clarke makes it to the shelves she runs her hand over a few of them until she lands on one of the  old leather ones. It held work from some of Lexa's favorite poets and Clarke pulls it off the shelf and opens the book. Then lets the pages fall softly from her fingers while she takes in the scent. “When it got really hard, me missing you…” Clarke lets the pages fall again. “I would go into a book store or library because of the smell.”

 

Lexa laughs. “I smell like old books?”

 

“No. Well...” Clarke smiles. “I guess maybe a little. But I like that.” Clarke puts the book back on the shelf before turning back to Lexa.

 

“Would you like some coffee?” Lexa walks towards the kitchen after Clarke nods.

 

“I'm going to go out on the balcony.” Clarke tells her after catching sight of it.

 

“Of course. I'll bring it out when it's done.”

 

 

Pulling out her sketch pad, Clarke sits on one of the two chairs and starts drawing the skyline of the city she loves so much. She can't help when a few tears slip out as she does so. Clarke had spent her whole life here before she left. It felt amazing to be home again.

 

Making quick work of the sketch, she places the pad on the little table and goes to stand at the railing and is joined by Lexa a few moments later.

 

"Could you imagine, drinking coffee on this balcony and looking at this view every morning?” Lexa whispers from behind Clarke, while handing her the coffee.

 

Clarke laughs and lets her head fall back into Lexa's shoulder. She had said that very thing to Lexa the night they met. “You do drink coffee on this balcony while looking at this view every morning.”

 

Two arms snake around Clarke's waist before she feels Lexa's lips ghost the back of her neck, making her shiver. “No I don’t. Not this view, Love.” Lexa squeezes Clarke just a little harder.

 

“Lexa? Why didn't you give up? Why didn't you move on?”

 

Lexa pauses and Clarke knows she is searching for the perfect quote. Clarke turns around in her arms and waits for Lexa to find the right words.

 

Lexa takes Clarke's face in her hands, having found them. “It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.” Lexa leans in and kisses Clarke softly. “I could never give up on you, Love.” She shakes her head at the next thought. “There is no moving on. I knew you would come back home. I knew that you just needed time and even though we were apart, we still were in each other's hearts.”

 

“I'm sorry.” Clarke says while Lexa wipes away the few tears falling from Clarke's eyes.

 

“Stop it.” Lexa kisses the tear tracks. “Stop apologizing. You're here, now. You came back to me. You're home.”

 

Clarke wraps her around Lexa's neck and kisses her hard enough to almost make her lose her balance. Lexa catches herself and starts backing them up so she could lean against the glass door.

 

"I am home. I'm staying and I'm taking my life back.” Clarke admits once she pulls away from Lexa's now kiss swollen lips. “And I want you back. I want _us_ again and I know we have a lot to work through…” Lexa doesn't even let Clarke finish. She lets her lips give her answer instead. There was no need for her to even think about it.

 

Lexa reaches behind her back and slides open the door, lifting and turning Clarke over the threshold slightly. She doesn't break their kiss and kicks the door closed behind them before leading Clarke to the couch.

 

“Oh, no.” Clarke says, shaking her head when the back of her knees his the couch.

 

“What? Are we rushing this? Do you want to stop?” Lexa asks, breathless and absently chasing Clarke lips.

 

“No I don't want to stop, I just don't want it to be on the couch.” She kisses Lexa again to prove her point and then moves to nip at Lexa's ear before whispering to her. “Do you really wanna stop when it's been so long.”

 

Lexa bites her fist to regain as much of her composure as possible and to keep from moaning out loud. “Oh well this is embarrassing.” Lexa kisses Clarke's neck. “It hasn't actually been that long, I'm pretty sure I finished a few times while we were dancing earlier and then again just now when you whispered in my ear.”

 

Clarke laughs and pulls completely away from Lexa and starts walking slowly and seductively towards the rooms. “Then I guess it’s my turn.” Lexa can't take her eyes of Clarke as she lifts her shirt over her head. “Are you really going to make me do this myself?” Clarke asks when she makes it into the hallway.

 

With only two steps, Lexa hops over the couch, taking Clarke up in a feverish kiss the rest of the way to the bedroom. Once they enter, Lexa doesn't even bother turning on the lights, the curtains were still drawn and the city glow provided the perfect setting.

 

When Lexa's shirt came off Clarke couldn't help but kiss the strong shoulders that seemed to hold her entire world up. She snuck her hands around to unclasp her own bra wanting to feel Lexa's naked chest against her own. Their lips find each other's again once they are undressed and Lexa goes to lay Clarke down on the bed. Once all of Lexa's weight is on her, Clarke wraps her legs desperately around Lexa, not wanting her to ever leave. They both can't help but shake from all the built up love and emotion that has been begging to spring free since they locked eyes again for the first time.

 

When they loved, they loved hard, and it was Clarke's favorite thing. Whether it was emotionally or physically, it didn't matter, they gave each other everything they had. Clarke didn't need words to tell her what Lexa needs and vice versa. And that's why Clarke had a feeling Lexa might have been holding back. So Clarke needed to do something to let her know it was ok to let go.

 

Breaking apart from their kiss, Clarke tips her head back exposing her neck and throat and thrusts her hips up harshly, allowing them both a taste of the much needed friction. It causes them both to moan out and Lexa to move her lips to Clarke's neck, just as she'd planned. And just like that, Lexa's hands and lips were everywhere.

 

Clarke's hips jerk again and her moans fill the bedroom when Lexa reaches her hand between her Love’s legs, grazing the swollen bud with her middle finger before pressing down more firmly. She can't take her eyes off Clarke's mouth, loving how she was biting her bottom lip as Lexa circled her finger around at a pace that could be considered just within teasing limits. Another moan comes out just as Clarke grabs her wrist to steady it and starts rocking her hips, helping to speed up the pace. The motion feels good enough for Lexa to let out a moan of her own and before she knows what's happening, Clarke is pushing up on her chest. “Wait.”

 

“What's wrong?” Lexa asks while rolling off Clarke. It doesn't take her long to figure out why she had been stopped when her tiny girlfriend switches their positions and straddles her.

 

Lexa loved the view from below Clarke and couldn't help the surge of excitement when the blonde leaned down to kiss her. “Nothing's wrong, everything is right, I just want to take care of you first.” Clarke whispers before kissing her way down Lexa's toned body. Seeing stars, Lexa grips both hands into Clarke's hair when her warm tongue starts to massage her soon to be pulsing clit.

 

Clarke knows Lexa needs pressure over speed and so she takes her time, making sure to pay attention to the grip Lexa has on her hair. When it tightens, she speeds up, giving Lexa exactly what she needs. It doesn't take long before she hears her name being called and Lexa's legs begin to stiffen and shake around her head.

 

Not wanting to give Lexa any time to recover from her first orgasm before working her towards her second, Clarke kisses her way back up Lexa's body. She straddles her again and closes her eyes in pleasure when Lexa's mouth finds one of her almost aching nipples. Clarke can also feel Lexa's wet heat on her own and can't help but grind herself hard against Lexa, who matches her thrust for thrust.

 

She knows Lexa is close to finishing again when her hands move to Clarke's hips and she takes control of their movements. “Oh god… Lexa.”It was feeling amazing, just to have Lexa under her again, but she needed just a little bit more to push herself over the edge. Grabbing one of Lexa's hands, she brings two of her fingers to her lips and sucks before raising herself up so Lexa could ease them in slowly.

 

Inch by inch, Lexa watches as her fingers disappeared and then reappeared as Clarke rode her. Still having one hand gripping Clarke's hip, Lexa resumes their previous pace until Clarke falls forward against the head board, repeatedly calling out her name. Knowing they were both about to come, Lexa curls her fingers against Clarke's front wall at exactly the right time, when their eyes meet, and they both watch as the other comes completely and utterly undone.

 

“Wow.” Clarke barely is able to get out and with not being able to move right away, her head was still leaning against the headboard.

 

Once Lexa catches her breath, she lifts Clarke's hips up slightly, letting the other girl ease her way back down against her chest. Then she wraps her arms around the love of her life, and can't hold back the tears any longer.

 

"Lexa?" Clarke asks in concern. She tries to push herself up but Lexa's arms were holding her too tight.

 

"I'm ok.” Lexa lets out a little laugh through her light sobs. “I just love you so much, Clarke.”

 

“I love you too.” Lexa's arms ease up there hold so Clarke is able to raise up and kiss Lexa. She wipes away her tears and kisses her over and over again before looking her in the eyes. “I love you so much. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I know it's going to be hard at times and we have a lot to work on, but I want that. I want to get better and love you while I'm doing it.”

 

"I'm here and willing to do anything to help you.”

 

Clarke nods before bending down for another kiss. “I know you are. And I'm going to take you up on that offer. What Ontari said earlier, about when I tried…”

 

“She had no right.” Lexa's commanding tone echoed through the loft.

 

“I know.” Clarke agrees while wiping more of Lexa's tears. “But it's a topic we need to talk about… I know it's coming up in the book. I know we have to relive that all over again but I also think it might help. I'm scared to relive it. I'm even more scared to see it from your point of view.” Now tears start to fall from her own eyes. “But I'm ready to talk about it. Just not tonight.” She gives Lexa her lips again. “I want the rest of tonight to be this. I want to show you how much I love you and how thankful I am, to actually have you love me back.”

 

Lexa smile before giving Clarke a kiss that no one could deny wasn't one of pure love. “I'll never stop loving you, Clarke.”

 

Clarke smiles as the last of her tears fall. “I know.” And she did. Obviously, look at all Lexa had done. “We're going to be together, forever.”

 

 

 

 


	15. Please don't go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, but this chapter just wasn't working for me so I said fuck it and just posted it. 
> 
> Major Trigger warnings for this chapter. Self harm/suicide attempts. Please take care of yourself and skip this chapter... 
> 
> Everyone should probably just skip this chapter actually.

Usually being one to wake at dawn, Lexa was confused to find the sun high in the sky and blinding her through her wide open windows. Shielding her eyes, she turns over in her bed, waiting for the hangover she assumed was coming. And then her eyes snapped open when she realized she wouldn't be getting a hangover. She only had one beer the night before because she was with Clarke!

Her heart starts to race and her throat tightens as she feels around the empty bed. “No. No, no please don't be...” A dream. It was always a dream, no matter how real it had felt. She knew in the next few waking moments the details of the dream would fade away and she would stop wondering if Clarke had really been there or not. So she decides to pull the pillow next to her over her head to help block out the sun, while she tried to remember as many of the details as possible before they disappeared for good.

The second Clarke's scent from the pillow hits her and she realizes it wasn’t a dream, she also hears glass breaking from the kitchen.

“Clarke!” Lexa bounds off her bed, still naked and runs to the kitchen.

Once she makes it out of the hallway, she sees Clarke standing on the counter, barefoot and only wearing one of Lexa's tshirts. “Oh god Lexa. I'm so sorry.” Clarke says while looking down at the floor.

When Lexa makes her way past the island she could see the ceramic baking dish that shattered. It had been on the top shelf in her unusually high cabinets.

“I was going to make us a breakfast casserole, it wasn't expensive was it? Or oh no! Was it mom's? If it was, I'm sorry but you know I'll have to tell her you did it, right?”

Lexa can't do anything but stare back at Clarke. The last few days weren't just some fantasy her mind had created. They were real. The previous night was real and she couldn’t believe it.

“What?” Clarke says in response to Lexa's silent staring. “It was mom's wasn't it?” Clarke bites her finger in worry.

“No.” Lexa can't stop the smile that spreads across her lips. “No it wasn't hers, Love.” Clarke physically relaxes and Lexa walks over to the couch, slipping her shoes on that were sitting in front of it. Then she walks into the kitchen, over all the glass, helping Clarke to sit on the counter. Then moves in between Clarke's legs so she can kiss her very real girlfriend.

“Mmmm. So I take it you're not mad.” Clarke says, wrapping her legs around Lexa's waist. Her answer, comes in the form of another kiss. This one, more heated as Lexa can't hold back. “Lexa…” Clarke whispers when the brunette moves to her neck.

“Hmmm?” Lexa responds, but doesn't let up.

“If you continue with what you're doing, you're not going to want to serve food from this counter ever again.”

Confused, Lexa pulls back and looks down. Then smirks when she realizes what Clarke meant. The blonde was completely naked besides a shirt and surely was getting wetter by the second, as Lexa definitely was. So, since she didn't want to stop, instead she picks Clarke off of the counter to avoid the glass and takes her back to the bedroom, where it didn't matter what kind of mess they made.

As soon as she laid Clarke on her bed, Lexa's cellphone started ringing from wherever it was left within the loft. They both ignored it the first two times, being too caught up in each other. As she was letting her lips make their way down Clarke's stomach, it started ringing a third time.

“Lexa?” Clarke says before arching her back when she felt a firm bite to her hipbone.

“Ignore it.” Lexa rushed out before switching so she could nibble on Clarke's other delicious hip.

“What if… it's important?” Clarke asks, while running a hand through Lexa's messy morning curls.

“More important than _this_?” Lexa whines in an embarrassingly high voice, while also looking up at Clarke. Then the phone stops ringing causing Lexa to grin, thinking she'd won. But it was a short lived victory…

“Just go see if it's an emergency.” Lexa lets her head fall to rest on Clarke's stomach, making her smile. “If it's not, get that tight ass back here. And yes, I mean tight in the hot way.”

Lexa laughs at the reference and then forces herself up out of bed to run and find her phone. “What?” Is all she says once she answers it.

“Lexa?” It was Aden.

“What's up Aden?” She asks impatiently while walking back to her bedroom.

“Hey. So, ok listen. We got a huge problem. Someone cracked one of the gazebo posts last night.”

“So, have Raven pay someone to fix it.” Lexa turns back into her bedroom and sees Clarke gripping the bedsheets in anticipation for them to continue what they were doing. “I gotta go.”

“Wait! Come on, Lex. We don't have enough time for that. Mom and Pops are about to be home. You know we made extra posts and they're in the garage which I can't get to.”

“Why not?”

She can hear Aden let out a big sigh on the other end. “Because I don't have garage privileges when they're not home anymore. Please you have the only key. Think of mom, she's gonna be so upset.”

Lexa takes a look at Clarke who was now sitting up and looked like she was about to get worried. “What's wrong?”

Lexa shakes her head, letting her know it was nothing serious before she checks her watch. “How long until they are home?”

“Anya just got off the phone with them, they were boarding the flight from D.C.”

“Ugh. I can't stand you right now. Give me a half hour.”

“Thank y…” Lexa hangs up the call, wanting to throw her phone when she sees Clarke reach to put her shirt back on.

“I'm sorry Clarke.”

Clarke pouts her lips slightly and makes her way to stand in front of Lexa. She reaches her hands up and runs her fingers through those fucking crazy curls she missed waking up too every morning. “Don't be. We got all the time in the world. I'm not going any where.” She leans up and kisses her favorite pair of lips.

Nodding, Lexa takes the girl up into a hug, burying her face in blonde hair. After a few deep breaths of her, Lexa pulls herself away so they can get dressed and ready to leave.

While Clarke was in the bathroom, Lexa went to go clean up the broken glass and grab them some granola bars to eat on the way. She also prepared two coffees to go and a glass of water for Clarke, so she could take her pills.

“Ok, I'm ready to help you go save the day.” Clarke was all smiles as she made her way in to the kitchen. “By the way, I cannot wait to take a shower in there. It's huge!”

Lexa laughs and then kisses Clarke's cheek. “Well you should really see the tub in the other bathroom.”

“Oh really? Well you will definitely be showing me later.” Clarke reaches for one of the coffees.

“Anything you want love.” Lexa hands her the granola bar and slides the water over, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “I wasn't sure if you wanted water or coffee for your meds.”

“Oh.” Clarke looks down at her hands, not expecting the gesture. “I actually just took them when I was in there.” She was used to taking them in bathrooms, away from everyone anyway.

Lexa wants to believe that Clarke was telling the truth. Just because medication was an issue for her in the past doesn't mean it still was. So she was gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. “Well, then for future reference?” She grabs the water and tosses it back herself before putting the cup in the sink, trying not to make a big deal out of the situation.

Clarke just shrugs. “I still really like apple juice.”

Lexa smiles and grabs her keys before leaning over to kiss Clarke again. “We'll pick some up on our way home.”

 

Once they got to Lexa's parents, Clarke snuck off with Octavia as soon as they arrived, but the two giggling best friends made their way back just as Lexa and Lincoln finished with the gazebo. They brought pizza for everyone, so the family of misfits as Aden called the group, all hung out in the gazebo to eat.

Clarke and Lexa sat especially close to one another and would steal small touches and looks. Everyone noticed but didn't make a big deal out of it, although Octavia did give her a knowing smile.

“Did they come pick up the snow cone cart?” Anya asks Raven while she cuts up her pizza with a knife and fork. They were sharing a bench seat in the gazebo.

Raven doesn't hear the question though, she was too busy staring at what Anya was doing to her food, opened mouth. “You pick it up with your hands! What's wrong with you?”

Anya doesn't break eye contact while she takes an overly enthusiastic bite of the pizza from her fork. “It was your one job, I took care of everything else.”

“Yes, I took care of it. Get off my ass.”

Anya raises her chin up and let's the smallest of smiles grace her lips. “Hmmm. That’s quite the change of tune your singing from last night. Last night you begged me to stick two...”

“Ok!” Raven shoots up and covers Anya’s mouth before she could finish her sentence.

“Oh my god!” Octavia shouts before busting out laughing with everyone else.

Raven tries to deny it. “She's lying!”

“Oh come on, Rae. We all know you and Anya are together and you know damn well, no one here has any right to kink shame you. So just admit it.” Octavia taunts.

“Admit what?” A deep voice booms out from behind the gazebo, making Clarke jump and grab for Lexa's hand.

Lexa's parents strolled hand in hand, towards their giant horde of collected children. Gus had a snow cone in his free hand, which made Anya glare at Raven.

Clarke doesn't let go of her grip on Lexa, once she sees Gus and Indra Woods. She was instantly nervous. They were like her own parents and always treated her as if it were true. She was worried they would be mad at her and that they would not want her around. Clarke left, hurting not only them but their daughter as well. Lexa was their absolute pride and joy and they both would do anything to protect her, at all costs. Clarke's heart started racing the more she thought about it. She didn't really think or prepare herself for this moment, like she should have.

“It's ok.” Lexa senses her anxiety and whispers in her ear before kissing her temple. “They won't be mad. It's all right.”

“What's going on. Why are you all so quiet?” Gus asks once they get to the opening of the gazebo. Then he takes a bite of his frozen treat. “What’d you little shits do?”

“Gustus.” Indra says softly, when her eyes meet Clarke's.

“I know my kids, they are only quiet when they have been caught doing something wrong. Now…” He starts looking each one of them in the eyes, going down the line of them. “Which one of you is gonna crack first?”

“Me. I… It's gonna be me, Papa.” Clarke stands up, still clutching Lexa's hand.

Gustus looks at Clarke for a few seconds not fully believing who he was seeing before he takes a step back, like someone had pushed him. Both he and his wife were too shocked to say or do anything. Lexa stands up next to Clarke, positioning herself slightly in front of her, protectively.

“All right then. Front and center.” Gustus says after clearing his throat that was tight with emotion. This was part of his usual interrogation routine, get whoever was the easiest to crack in front of him.

Clarke steps around Lexa, dropping her hand and walks the few steps so she is standing in front of him. When the first of her tears drop, Gustus forgoes the fake interrogation and opens his arms wide. Without hesitation, Clarke jumps into his giant arms.

“I'm so sorry.” Clarke cries into his shoulder. Everyone else decides to give the couple and Lexa's parents some time alone and files out of the gazebo and into the barn.

“It's ok, Honey.” He tells her, as he holds her tight. Gustus was one of the toughest men you could ever meet. He had a hard intimidating exterior and let it show often, except for when it came to his wife and extended brood of children. “It is _so_ good to see you.” He squeezes her once more before putting her down.

When Clarke turns to meet Indra’s eyes again, she can't help but let her head fall to her chest, feeling ashamed. Indra had been a mother to her, a friend, everything.

“No.” Indra tells her. “You look at me, Clarke.” She does and so Indra holds out her hand, asking for the girl's. “You're ok?” Clarke nods quickly while her tears fall. “You're _home_?” Indra wants to know if it's temporary without broadcasting it. Clarke nods again. “Thank you, Lord. Thank you.” Indra looks up to the heavens, thanking her god for blessing her and Gus by making their family whole again before pulling Clarke into her arms.

Lexa stands tall, even under the weight of her fathers arm around her shoulder, as they watch the reunion.

“Lexa?” He say her name softly, wanting to know how she was holding up with everything.

“I'm good Pops.” She turns to him with a reassuring smile. “How could I not be?”

He brings her in for a real hug, knowing his daughter feels more than what she lets on, but doesn't push her to talk yet.

It takes a few minutes for Clarke and Indra to break apart, but once they do the four of them go inside the main house for some coffee.

They ended up spending the next couple hours talking and catching up, with the rest of the group eventually joining them. Clarke and Lexa had to leave early from the mini family reunion because the last group session was going to be starting at the home soon. Clarke had surprised Lexa when she leaned over to ask what time it was and if they could go to it.

  
“Hey, Clarke! You made it.” Tris was the first to see them when they walked in. She was carrying a big GED test book and had a pencil behind her ear.

“Hi Tris.” Clarke smiles big at her new friend. “Yea, I like this group. Think I might stick around for awhile.”

Tris looks to Lexa, relief flooding through her for her mentor. “That's awesome. And this is definitely my favorite group I've been apart of. No one judges you here for anything.” She starts leading the two into the open living room where everyone was piling in. All the kids greeted Lexa enthusiastically and gave Clarke the same treatment.

“Do you guys care if I sit in with you?” Lexa asks. She always did. Lexa didn't have a mental illness herself and never wanted to impose. As usual, no one minded that she sat in and so she took a seat next to Clarke on one of the couches. Tris was on Clarke's other side.

“It's good to see you back, Clarke.” The counselor tells her. “Groups can be an excellent form of therapy.”

“Thank you.” Clarke was a little nervous and anxious to be there, but ready nonetheless.

“Would you mind sharing a little bit with us. You stated last time that you were bipolar. When were you diagnosed?”

“I… um at nineteen. I was diagnosed at nineteen.” Clarke nervously pulls all her hair to one side and over the front of her shoulder so she could play with it. She needed to keep her hands busy, knowing the next question that was going to be asked. But then she feels a feather light touch to her thigh and she sees Lexa's opened and waiting hand. So she takes it without second thought.

“What led you to being diagnosed?”

There it was. The question Clarke always wished she had another answer for. Squeezing Lexa's hand, Clarke swallowed before looking back to the man. “I… I…” It was so hard for Clarke to get out. She felt another hand, on her other side, reach for hers and found Tris giving her an encouraging look. So she tries again. “I tried to commit suicide during an episode. I felt like a burden to the world, my family… the person I loved.” She looks down at the hands in her lap. “I was also tired of the pain. It would always come back, almost like clockwork. I was tired of lashing out at everyone for no reason and hurting them over and over. All of it felt as if it was beyond my control, so I just wanted it to be over.”

“Were you hospitalized?”

Clarke nods. “The um… the attempt was pretty bad. I was in ICU for a week and a half and then was sent to psychiatric for about six weeks.”

“This is where you learned about your disorder?”

Clarke nods again. “Yes. They basically told me my brain was wired wrong and that I would have to be on medications for maybe my whole life.”

“Did it help to learn what was going on with you? Why you were experiencing things the way that you were.”

Clarke shrugs. “I know it helped my family. They didn't know what was going on, so for them it was better.”

“But for you?”

Clarke was quiet for a few seconds before looking at Lexa, needing a little push to continue. “It was almost like a judge had handed me a lifetime prison sentence, that I would never be able to escape. I'd never lose the pain, it would always, always come back. I would continue to hurt myself and everyone around me.”

“I felt that way too.” Tris agrees. “It was like, ok great, now I know why but how do I get it to stop?”

“Like we discussed yesterday, treatment plays a vital role but I want to reiterate to you all that this should not stop you from living whatever kind of life you want. You guys might have to work a little harder than some, which is not fair but it’s completely possible. You shouldn't give up on living a normal life because of your illness.”

  
Group continues on for the next hour and Clarke participated as much as she could. She had meant what she said about taking her life back. For her family, Lexa, and most importantly, herself. So she was going to give it her all.

After group, they stick around for a little bit so Clarke could get to know everyone a bit more before taking off. Clarke had asked to go back to Lexa's loft instead of to her mom’s and Lexa happily obliged. And after stopping at the store for some Michigan made snacks, they headed home.

  
“Oh yea baby, don't stop.” Clarke watches with eager eyes as Lexa pours the Sanders hot fudge over her sundae. “Two cherries, please.”

“I remember.” Lexa laughs, finishing up with the two cherries on top and the slides the bowl over to Clarke.

“Oh thank you. But can I lick the…” Lexa hands her the knife she used for the fudge. “Oh god.” She tosses her head back and moans at the taste. “Mmmm thank you for letting me pick snacks.” She puts the knife in the sink, kisses Lexa's cheek and the grabs her bowl on the way to one of the couches. Lexa was quick to follow.

“So what would you like to do for the rest of the evening, Love?” They were finished with their ice cream and Lexa had her head in Clarke's lap, so she could play with her hair.

Clarke moves on from Lexa's hair, wanting to touch her face and traces a finger lightly over one of her eyebrows. “I want you to read to me.”

Lexa swallows hard. “Do you want me to read something else? It's been a pretty big couple of days and the next chapter is kind of heavy.”

“No, I want to finish the book.” She lets her finger drop to Lexa's jaw, so she could trace the sharp line. “Your letter, to me.” She bends down and puts her nose to Lexa's hair before kissing it. “But first, lets take a shower.” So that's what they did.

They both shook at first, their adrenaline pumping from the intimacy of it all. For the first five minutes they just stood there with their arms around each other and their foreheads pressed together. They let the water relax them and passed many of the same breaths between them. Soon after though, came the deep passionate kisses and aside from Lexa's hand lingering a few times with the body wash, that's as far as it had went. And once they were done, they helped each other dry off and dress before heading to the bedroom.

Neither bothered with getting dressed, they both just climbed into Lexa's bed. Clarke curled herself against Lexa, letting her head rest on her chest as she sat up against the head board and pillows. This way Clarke could follow along as Lexa read, if she wanted to.

“Clarke…” Lexa whispers as she holds the book in her lap. Innocent blue eyes look up at her and she reaches behind Clarke's head to pull their owner into a soft kiss. “No matter what, I love you. I love you so fucking much and if you need us to stop and take a break, just say the word, ok?”

“Same goes for you, Lexa.” Clarke puts her head back down and kisses her chest, where her strong heart rests. “On all accounts.”

 

_Chapter 9 – You can't live with only half of your heart._

  
_“You fell in love with a storm. Did you really think you were going to get out unscathed?”  
Nikita Gill_

_Over the next nine months of our relationship, Clarke and I were fucking disgustingly happy. We were perfect and everyone hated us for it. But me? I loved it. Every single fucking second. I wouldn't trade even one memory of it, even if it were to save the world. And that's including the occasional harder times when she would get sad, because those didn't go away over that time period. There were a few times, but they were nothing like the first. But you know what? Even if they were… I still wouldn't have traded them._

_But yea, my life was everything I could have ever dreamed it could be. Things at the gym were going really well. I was bringing in so much money from my cuts of Ontari winning her local fights alone that I was able to set up four more free classes. Of course, I couldn't teach them all because most of my work hours were spent with Ontari. We worked hard, though. Then because of her success, she started getting noticed more and soon enough was invited to her first international contest._

_At the last minute another fighter had to drop out of the contest, so Ontari was the first one they called. The match was in Toronto. It was only a four hour drive and I wanted Clarke to come with me. It was going to be two nights away in a hotel and I wanted her to be there. But she couldn't come. Clarke didn't have an enhanced ID or a copy of her birth certificate, so she couldn't get across the border and into Canada._

_She was devastated but tried not to let it show. Clarke was trying to be happy for me and Ontari but she was hurt. The day I was supposed to leave, Clarke wouldn't get out of bed. She had spent the whole night crying and I didn't know what to do, so I called Octavia._

_“Maybe I shouldn't go?” There was silence on the other end of the phone after my comment._

_“That's the stupidest shit I have ever heard come out of your mouth, Lexa. Of course you should go! Clarke will be fine. Aden and I am packed up and ready to spend the weekend with her. Don't worry.”_

_“I know but…”_

_“Stop it! We will get her perked up and happy. It probably is mainly because you're going to be alone with the rich skank. But hey we're about to pull up.”_

_I was outside smoking a cigarette when they pulled up and nervous as shit. I know the difference between Clarke's jealousy and her sadness. It wasn't just about Ontari._

_“Seriously, stop!” Octavia tells me after getting one look at my worried face. “I'll have her call you tonight when she's feeling better. We're going to order pizza and watch some of her favorite movies. It will be fine. Go kiss her goodbye and then go have fun.”_

_  
Clarke didn't end up feeling better like Octavia had promised. She spiraled further into herself and wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. I wanted to go home. It was only the first night and I couldn't focus, which wasn't fair to Ontari but I was able to eventually push everything with Clarke aside so I could give Ontari my all. It was my job and soon enough on the second day the fight was quickly over, Ontari wound up knocking the girl out in the third round. I felt bad that I couldn't stay to celebrate but I really needed to get home and left within an hour after the match. I didn't tell anyone I was coming home, thinking maybe the surprise of it would help boost Clarke's spirits._

_  
The trip was a little less than four hours and I had left around midnight. As soon as I had crossed the border, my phone started ringing. It was Octavia which made my heart skip a beat, seeing how early in the morning it was._

_“Hey…”_

_“Lex?” It was Aden and he sounded like he was scared. “She gone, Lexa. We can't find her.”_

_“What?” His words didn't really make sense to me, as simple as they were._

_“We're lookin all around for her now. We got everyone out.”_

_“Clarke's gone?”_

_“We fell asleep and she took off. Couldn't have more than a couple hours. Just get to her ma’s, Octavia is there.” I could hear him take a shakey breath. “I'm sorry.” And then he hung up and I pushed my car to speeds I'd never taken it to._

_  
When I pulled up to Clarke's house, I could see that all of the lights were on, so I rushed inside. The only person there was Aurora. She was smoking a cigarette on the couch and was tipping back a glass of bourbon._

_She had stood up once I entered and I could see she was on edge. “Lexa.”_

_“What happened?” I lit up my own cigarette and she handed me her glass to finish._

_“She just took off without a word. We have checked every single one of her places and old hideouts and can't find her.”_

_“Has she done this before? Do you think she is in serious danger?”_

_“The last time…” She looks at me like I should know what happened. And I did. She was talking about the time Clarke hallucinated that thing going into her arm and tried to cut it out._

_“Where was she when she did that?” I took one last huge hit off my cigarette before slamming it down in the ash tray._

_“Her old house, but we already checked there.” I turned around and walked out of the house, intent on checking it again._

_Clarke's old house was right next to the one she shared with the Blakes. When her mother couldn't afford it after Jake died, someone had bought the place. A year in, the new owners had let the front of the house catch on fire, causing it to be boarded and condemned by the city shortly after. Clarke didn't care though, she would still sneak in there sometimes. And if she didn't want to be found, there were plenty of places she could hide in there._

_So I had to check again. Something screamed at me to check again. I wonder if I'm some level, it had been her…_

_It took me less than a minute to rip off the boarding on the front door and kick it in. The fire damaged wood frames were weak and gave way instantly. When I reached the hallway, I could see an open pale palm laying on the floor in her old bedroom and I believe my heart had stopped. My throat closed and my knees threatened to give way but I over powered them, sprinting into the bedroom instead._

_That's when I saw all of her. It looked almost like she was sleeping, there on the floor. She was surrounded by her own drawings. Drawings of me and her family. I saw the notes she had left just before I heard how hard her lungs had been working to take in oxygen._

_“Clarke?” I dropped down to my knees and lifted her chin, trying to help open her airways. Aurora was making her way into the house behind me and I went on autopilot. “Call 911!” I told her right before I bent down, putting my mouth to Clarke's so I could breathe for her struggling lungs. I felt for a pulse, which she had a faint one and then gave her two more breaths. I could see her chest rise and fall but only with my help. She couldn't breathe on her own._

_“Oh my god, no!” I completely tuned Aurora out once I heard her on the phone with help and focused on my counting. I needed to give my Love air every five seconds. Her lungs were shutting down and I couldn't let her brain be without oxygen. It's all I focused on. As long as she had a pulse, I could breathe for her until help arrived. Which you never know how long that could be in Detroit._

_“Come on, Clarke.” Another breath and count. “Come on, Love.”_

_I don't remember how long I kept it up, but it was long enough for Octavia to arrive before the ambulance. She fell to the floor on Clarke's other side and cried, while stroking her hair. My tears held off until I saw the red and white strobe lights outside and was pulled harshly away from Clarke. I guess they had asked me to move but I didn't hear it._

_All I could do was watch as they put an oxygen mask over her face and shot her with some type of drug, slowly. “Is she going to be ok?” I asked it over and over as they loaded her up on a stretcher but I wasn't sure if I was speaking it out loud._

_When they started to take her I followed them. I wanted to go with her but was stopped by a policeman right outside the ambulance._

_“You found her?” He asked me and I nodded, then tried to move past him and into the vehicle. His hand caught my shoulder again and I looked down at it. “I'm sorry, but we have to ask you some questions.”_

_“I need to go with her.” They were shutting the ambulance doors so I tried to force myself past the officer, which was not very smart. He grabbed me by my arms and threw me to the ground. “Ma'am, you need to answer our questions and then you can go. You can't do anything else for her, you did all you could before we arrived. You need to let them do what they need to do so they can save her, alright?”_

_I looked to a crying Octavia and Aurora and some how was able to relax long enough for him to lift me back up. I told him everything that had happened and they collected the drawings, notes and even a pill bottle as evidence. While I was being questioned, my parents arrived. I tried not to look at them, as I felt I was barely able to hold it together as it was._

_And I'm sorry, but I don't really remember what happened next. I blocked out everything and the next thing I remembered was being at the hospital._

_I remember a nurse was walking Octavia and I down a long dark hallway, that had a stop sign at the end of it. It was the entrance to the intensive care unit and you had to be allowed access to it. All I kept thinking was to listen to the warning. Stop Lexa! Don't go any further! I kept thinking that if they let me past the stop sign, that it would all be over. My whole life would end with one spoken sentence. “I'm sorry, but we couldn't save her.”_

_To my surprise, they didn't lead us through the door, but to the waiting room next to it. “They just brought her up from trauma. We need to get her settled before you can go in and see her. One of us will be out soon to get you.”_

_“Is she ok? Is she going to live?” I wanted to ask those same words, but I couldn't get them out. Octavia was able to for me though._

_“It's really too soon to say. Her body was shutting down when she arrived. We're pumping out whatever drugs she took now, but the damage could be too severe. It was quick thinking whoever administered the rescue breathing. That increases chance of survival tremendously. We should know more soon. Just hold tight.” And then she left us to wait. Hand in hand we waited for over an hour. Aden and Lincoln had shown up while we waited but none of us could speak. My dad and Aurora showed up a little after them, my mom staying with Abby at the house. We all just waited silently, grouped together in the small room._

_You know, I tried to stay strong, I really did. I tried to hold back the sobs and the tears, but I couldn't stop seeing her lying limp on the floor. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and screamed out in pain. I didn't mean to but I couldn't take the waiting any longer. I needed to know. I needed to know if I was ever going to see the love of my life again. Was I ever going to see her smile or hear her voice? She promised we'd be together forever… was forever only a year?_

_After my outburst, my dad was up and leading me out of the waiting room. Everyone was staring at me with their swollen eyes and I had sent Octavia into a violent round of sobs._

_“Lexa, Honey.” He takes me up into his arms. “You gotta calm it down kid. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you have to try to stay calm.”_

_“I can't lose her, Papa.”_

_“I know, Honey.” He squeezes me harder, trying to protect me in his own way, but he couldn't. “We don't know that you will.”_

_We heard the doors to ICU open and I scrambled out of his arms as fast as I could. A nurse was walking out to talk to everyone and I sprinted down the hall so I could hear what she had to say._

_“… her lungs are not strong enough to work on their own, so we have her on a machine that breathes for her. The amount of drugs she took caused significant damage to her liver, so we are watching those numbers closely as well. We're unsure of any brain activity but will be running tests through the night.”_

_“Will she live?” Aden asks._

_I don't like the look the nurse gives. “It's still too soon to tell. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but we are giving her all the tools we can for recovery and the rest is up to her.”_

_“Can we see her?” Octavia asks this time._

_“You're all family?”_

_“Yes.” Everyone replies at the same time._

_The nurse knew. “Two at a time for now, ok? She is not awake and probably won't be for a while. Like I said this is going to be a waiting game.”_

_We nod and thank her before deciding on who should be the first to see her. Aurora looks at me like she wants to beg that I let her go first, with Octavia who was of course a given. I nod at her that she could and Lincoln had to catch her from falling out of relief._

_It felt like days as I waited for Aurora to get back, but in reality, it was only minutes. And when I finally saw her walk back into the waiting room, I couldn't get my legs to move. My dad had to lift me out of the chair and whisper that it was going to be all right._

_Again I stared at the stop sign on the door. All I had to do was press the call button and they would open the door for me but I couldn't get my hand to move, I wanted to listen to the big red sign. My dad saw how I was struggling and kissed my head before he pressed the button for me. He started rubbing my shoulders as I watched the stop sign split in half when the doors opened and then I was led to Clarke's room._

_I couldn't help but close my eyes the second they landed on Clarke. There was a giant tube taped to her mouth, that led down her throat to help her breathe. She was hooked up to so many machines and I couldn't help but try to read all the numbers that flashed across the screens on them, even though I had no idea what they all meant. Her wrists were tied to the bed with leather restraints and her poor little hands looked so swollen, I knew it had to hurt her._

_Octavia was leaning over the hospital bed, running her hands through my favorite candy colored hair, whispering to her sister. I didn't want to intrude and I debated turning around and leaving to give them some privacy._

_“Lexa's here.” I heard Octavia say a little louder. “She's right here and wants to talk to you. Ok?” She turns to me the streams of mascara still running down her face. “Talk to her. Tell her she's going to be fine.”_

_I walked slowly to the bed, watching the air being pushed into her lungs from the ventilator on her left. I never thought I would need to force myself to look at the most beautiful, angelic face I had ever seen… but I did. Once I looked at her though, I wanted to punch myself for waiting as long as I had._

_Grabbing her left hand, I bent down to put my forehead gently to hers. I wanted to speak to her, tell her how much I loved her and that everything was going to be all right. I just couldn't talk. There was a lump in my throat that I couldn't get rid of._

_“Lexa?” Octavia says my name, like I held all the answers. I didn't though. Not a single one. “She can't leave us…”_

_“I know.” The voice didn't sound like mine, but is was._

_  
After another hour, Octavia and I took turns leaving the room so everyone could have a chance to be with Clarke. And twelve hours later, we still had no answers. Everything we kept hearing was that we needed to wait. Wait to see if her liver improves. Wait to see if there is brain activity. Wait, wait, fucking wait! It's all we could do and it was torture._

_After an entire twenty four hours with no news, the doctors told everyone to go home and get some rest. But I couldn't leave. There was no way I could leave her alone. So the nurses took pity on me and gave me a chair that was semi comfortable enough to try and sleep in and sat it next to her bed. And I tried to sleep. I tell you, I fucking did. I tried so hard to rest my eyes, but every time they closed I saw her laying in the old house and I wondered if I had been too late._

_“You gotta wake up, Love.” I whispered the command to her, hoping she would get so pissed at me for telling her what to do, that she would wake up just to hit me. “I love you, Clarke.” I reached for her hand. I wanted to hold it against my face and kiss it, but I couldn't because she was still strapped down. “I love you. You can't do this to me. Ok? You can't leave me.” I flipped her wrist around on the bed. It held our thumbprint heart and I ran a finger across the tattoo lightly. “You can't leave me, you have my heart. And I won't survive it because you can't live with only half of your heart. So don't go. Please don't go.” I reached up to stroke her hair, letting more of my tears fall. “You said forever, remember? We were just starting out. There is so much left we have to do. We're supposed to travel the world and see all the art that you want. We're supposed to buy our loft and live in the city.” The next words choke me up and I almost couldn't get them out. “You're supposed to marry me. I know we haven't talked about it much, but it's true. Trust me.”_

_Up until that point, Clarke hadn't responded to anything. She didn't respond to any of the reflex tests and hadn't moved a muscle on her own. But after I said those words, I swear to fucking god she squeezed my hand. She squeezed it twice and held the second one for a couple seconds. Keeping my grip on her hand I reached over and pressed the nurses button._

_“She squeezed my hand. She just did it twice.”_

_The nurse walks over to check Clarke's vitals off the many screens. “She's helping the ventilator push the air into her lungs.”_

_“She is?” I wanted to make sure I had heard her right._

_The nurse reaches for my hand. She had been there with us for over twelve hours and just knows how much I loved Clarke. “Lexa, this is a step in the right direction. I'm going to page the doctor and we might be able to see if we could try to take her off.”_

_“Then she can wake up?” I wiped my tears so I could see the nurse as she answered._

_“We have been easing back her sedatives and will do so more but that doesn't mean she will wake up right away. Her body went through a tremendous trauma and is trying to heal itself.”_

_“But she's going to be ok? She's going to wake up?” I just wanted her to tell me the truth one way or another. I was sick of the tiptoeing answers._

_While I waited for the nurse to respond, Clarke squeezed my hand again. And honestly, as naive as it might have been, that was the answer I was going with. Clarke was telling me she was going to wake up, that everything was going to be fine. I wasn't going to be forced to try and live without the person who made me whole. I took Clarke's sign as the truth and never believed anything different._

_  
I texted Octavia with the news as soon as the nurse left and continued to talk to Clarke until she and Aden arrived. I let them spend some time with her and went to go smoke my first cigarette since I had been there. They picked me up a few coffees and I had practically chugged them all while I sucked down three cigarettes in a row. Then I ran back into the hospital and up to the forth flour. When I made it back to the hallway and saw the stop sign at the end of it again, I flicked it off. Fuck that stop sign. Clarke was going to wake up soon._

_About five hours after Clarke squeezed my hand, they took her off all the sedatives and attempted to take her off the ventilator. And it worked. It fucking worked because my girl was so fucking strong and stubborn she didn't want that machine to breathe for her any longer, she wanted to breathe on her own._

_So I watched her chest rise and fall on it's own accord for the next few hours, while I waited for her eyes to flutter open. It's all I wanted. I started to think I forgot how blue they really were. I was hoping she would sense that I was having trouble remembering and show me, but she wasn't ready. “It's ok, Love. I know you're tired.” I kissed her forehead. “I'll be right here for when you're ready. Just rest a little while longer.” And because Clarke Griffin hates to be told what to do, her hand gripped mine and I saw her head start to move back and forth._

_“Clarke?” Octavia hits the nurses button for me and moves to her other side. I noticed that tears were leaking from her closed eyes and she looked to be in pain._

_“Love, I'm here.” Her head turned in my direction and I could see the whites of her eyes as she tried to pull them open._

_The nurse rushes in to the room and tries to push me aside. “You gotta let me in.” She tells me and I let her. I reach for Octavia's hand and we walk into the back of the room, out of the way._

_“Clarke?” The nurse calls her and she shakes her head no and starts to thrash slightly against her restraints._

_“Clarke you're ok.” I called out making her stop at the sound of my voice. “She's a nurse and is going to help you, Love.” Clarke tries harder to open her eyes and I can see as more tears fall out of them. “Take your time, Love.” She shakes her head again and then her eyes open. They close immediately after and I could tell she was frustrated, so I try to get closer. “Clarke?” A few more seconds of her trying and then they open, landing right on mine. It took everything in me not to fall to the ground right then and there, but I was able to stay strong._

_“Clarke? My name is Echo, do you know where you are?” Clarke nods lightly while still looking at me. “Do you know why you're hear.” Her eyes close tight, letting more tears fall before she nods a second time. Her lips start moving as she tries to talk but no words come out, just painful sounds. “Your throat is a little raw from the tubes. I'm going to go get you some water. Try not to talk for a bit, ok?”_

_Clarke doesn't nod or respond to her at all. She just opens her eyes, trying to find me. So I rush to her side while Octavia talks to the nurse. I can't stop myself from bending down to kiss her. When I pull back I could see the shame she felt at what she had done. She was trying to say something. “Shhh, Love.” I smiled at her because I was just so fucking happy that she was awake. “We're going to get you some water, just sit tight for a minute.” I held her hand, which she had an ironclad grip on mine and all I could do was just stare down into her eyes while smoothing her hair._

_Clarke had fallen back asleep before her water had come, so they had to wake her back up to drink. She refused to let go of my hand, even as she slept and honestly… I didn't mind. Because I don't think I could have let go of hers anyway._

_I watched her sleep for a couple more hours, the doctor reassuring me that it was normal for her to still be so tired. He said it would only be a little while longer until she would be fully alert and urged me to go and get some rest. I politely told him I would do no such thing and he left me alone about it._

_Clarke was alive and I just had to wait a little while longer, then everything would be better. Clarke would be completely awake and everything would be prefect again, right?_

_Right…?_

 


	16. Sundays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your comments on the last chapter... it was hard but I'm glad it's finally out. 
> 
> This chapter is strictly flashback so we will get Clarke's reaction and how they cope with having to go through it again next chapter.
> 
> I seriously can't thank you guys enough for reading this and telling me what you think and even those who share a little bit of their own story with me. I'm at a loss for words. You guys are amazing. Thank you.
> 
> Much love friends

__

_Chapter 10 – Cold Beds and Hidden Flowers_

_  
“Goodnight dear. If you were in my bed it might be the back of your head I was touching, where the hair is short, or it might be up in the front where it makes little caves above your head. But wherever it was, it would be the sweetest place, the sweetest place.”_

_Zelda Fitzgerald, Letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald 1931_

_It had been three days since Clarke had been admitted and I was sitting next to her, holding her hand, trying to determine if I had at some point slipped into an alternate universe. Honestly. And before you laugh at the foolish notion, let me ask you something. Have you ever been up for seventy-two hours straight? Like seriously, zero shut eye. If you haven't, let me just tell you that it's a mind fuck. It felt like I was having the worst fucking trip of my life. Especially when you added in the dangerous amounts of caffeine, adrenaline and of course the crippling emotional distress._

_I knew that if I didn't get some sleep soon, I would be pushing my luck health and sanity wise, but I just needed to see Clarke wake up again before I did. So I stayed up. I rubbed my thumb in little circles over hers and tried to hold out for just a little while longer._

_With all the silence, it was very hard to not think of everything that had happened. I tried to push it away, but I was so tired I just didn't have the strength in me to do so. It was also hard not to put the blame on myself, knowing before I left that something was off with Clarke. If only I had followed my instincts and stayed. Or called before I left Toronto. I remember Aden telling me she had only been gone a couple hours. If I had just let them know I was coming home, would this still have happened?_

_Not being able to withstand all the guilt, I let my head fall to rest on the plastic side guard of the bed and just cried as quietly as I could. They had unbound Clarke's wrists after she woke up the first time, since she was no longer on the ventilator and when I felt a hand lay softly on my head, I picked it up quickly._

_Seeing Clarke's eyes open, I wanted to shoot up out off my chair, grab her face and kiss her until I had nothing left. But I didn't. Her chapped and quivering bottom lip stopped me, along with the tears that were pouring down her cheeks._

_“Hi, Love.” I was surprised my voice came out as strong as it did._

_Once she hears my voice though, she breaks down and starts sobbing, trying her hardest to pull me into the bed with her. I looked out the glass walls to the nurses station and saw that they weren't looking. So, I made sure I was as careful as possible not to rip off any of the endless wires, her oxygen hose or pull out her IV and climbed into the bed with her. She curled up into my side and I almost lost it again._

_“I'm so sorry Clarke.” I really felt that I needed to apologize, that it was all my fault. She shook her head before putting her face into the crook of my neck. “I love you so much. I'm so sorry.”_

_“No.” Her voice cracks as she repeats the word to me over and over again, in between sobs._

_Echo, the nurse that had been there with us for most of the time opens up the glass doors, peeking her head in first. She walks up to the machines, writing down what she sees. “Lexa.” She whispers causing me to look up a her. “I'm going to go and get her some water. The doctor will be with me when I come back.” So, basically she was telling me I had to get out of the bed before he came in. She went to go turn around and I grabbed her wrist, silently giving her my thanks. She smiles softly and nods before leaving._

_I took advantage of the few moments I had and kissed Clarke's head multiple times. “Clarke?” She looks up at me and I could feel my heart start to rip apart. Just the amount of torment I could see in her eyes, broke me. But I didn't let it show. No, I couldn't let her see how much I was hurting. I didn't need anything else to weigh on her precious shoulders. “Love, the doctor is going to be coming in soon. I'm going to get out of the bed but I'm not going anywhere ok?” Her lip quivers again before she nods and I have to force myself to move from her side._

_“Hello Miss Griffin.” The doctor stepped in with Echo a few minutes after I climbed out of the bed. “My name is Dr Jaha.”_

_I still had a hold on Clarke's hand and she squeezed it hard when they walked in, before bringing her other up, to cover her eyes. She did this a lot when she was ashamed and didn't want to see the way people looked at her._

_“How are you feeling, Clarke?” He looks at both the screens and her chart while he waits for her to answer. She doesn't though. “Are you in a physical pain?” Again the doctor is met with silence. That's when he looks to me. “Would you mind giving us a minute alone?”_

_"No! I'm f…fine.” Clarke takes her other hand away from her eyes and looks at Jaha with fire beginning to build within her._

_He senses this and looks back down to her chart. “All right. Do you know why you're here Clarke?”_

_Her jaw was clenched tight while she tried to hold her tears back. She refuses to look at me before and while she answers. “Yes.”_

_“Ok. Well you should know, that the amount of narcotics that you ingested, caused some very serious damage to your body. Your lungs, kidneys and liver were affected the most. Now, you're lungs and kidneys are looking great considering the condition they were in when you first arrived. It's just taking your liver a little longer but it's getting there.”_

_“Will there be any long term complications?” Octavia had asked Echo earlier, but I needed reassurance._

_“If her body keeps improving the way that it has been, there shouldn't be.”_

_I took in a deep breath of relief. “Thank you, Sir.”_

_He nods before turning to Clarke. “Just get some rest. I’ll be back to check on you a little later. Someone from psychiatric should also be up soon.”_

_Clarke doesn't respond so I thank him again before he leaves. Echo then hands me the water and goes to switch out Clarke's IV. When she was done she walked back over to her little station that held her computer and started typing away._

_“Are you thirsty, Love?” I sat up to help her drink after she nodded. “Octavia should be up here pretty soon.” Clarke's eyes start to water at the mention of her best friend and she let her head fall back to the pillow before closing her eyes tight. “Hey, it's ok, Love.”_

_Her head snaps to the side so she could look at me. “Are you serious? No it's not!” Those flames that had been building were now out in full force. “I should be… I wanted to…” She shakes her head back and forth. “Why didn't you just let me die?”_

_As a boxer, I have taken some serious fucking hits over the years and gotten right back up. I've been punched in the head and in the stomach, both so hard that it made me puke. Guess what, I just wiped my mouth and kept going. But when the person I loved most in this world, the person I would give my life for in a heartbeat, asked me why I didn't let hers end like she wanted… I really thought I was fucking down for the count, man._

_Luckily Echo was still in the room because all I could do was stand there in shock. My heart was thundering in my ears and I could feel my body start to sway. I knew the stars were coming when the blackness started to creep up into my peripheral. Echo was there though and just before I felt like I was going to fall to the floor, she gripped my arms. “Lexa.” I think she had said my name a few times until I heard her over the pounding of my heart. “I need you to go to the waiting room for a bit, ok? I'll come get you in a few.” She was slowly leading me out and Clarke's whole attitude changed._

_“No! No wait, please.” She said before starting to cry again. The fire had been put out, or at least the flames were being tamed for the moment._

_Planting my feet I stopped moving at Clarke's request, but Echo shook her head. “Lexa. I need you to go.” I was torn, not knowing who to listen too. But, I was too weak to hold out and Echo was able to force me past the glass doors. Echo didn't stop leading me until we were in the waiting room. She sat me down and then took a seat next to me. “You can't listen to her Lexa. She's sick. She might feel like that now, but once they figure out what's going on in there...” She points to her own head. “Things will get better. She won't feel like that anymore.” I was still in shock and so fucking tired, all I could do was nod. “Have you slept at all?” She asked, while I was staring off into space. I shook my head no. “You need to get some rest. I want you to go home and get some rest before I have you admitted for exhaustion.” That actually gave me an idea and I sent her a mischievous grin. She laughs shaking her head. “No. Although pretty serious, exhaustion is not gonna land you a bed next to Clarke in the ICU, I'm sorry.”_

_My shoulders sagged a little at the botched half ass attempted plan that would have kept me next to my Love. “Ok. I'll get some rest as soon as Octavia gets here, but I'm not going home.”_

_“As long as you sleep, I don't care where it is. Seriously though, you need it, Lexa. For you and for Clarke. She has a long emotional recovery and so do all of you guys. But I will say that I've seen a lot of families come and go from here, you guys seem very close and strong. You can help her get through this. She just needs all of you, a little time and some professional help.” She pats my leg before helping me back up. “I can see how much you love her. She's lucky to have you.”_

_But really… Don't you guys think that I was the lucky one? Finding Clarke and getting the privilege to love her, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that one person that makes you whole. People fall in love all the time, and… well, I hate to use something so fucking cliché… but how many of them can say they found The One. That's what she was. I'm serious. If we were all born from the stars, Clarke and I came from the same. And If mankind is not from the stars, but rather our souls were created by some God, than that God made us together before splitting us apart. I’ll never know how many lives I've lived or how many I have yet to experience still, but what I do know, is that in every single one of them, I'm supposed to be with her._

_And fuck, I'm sorry. I don't mean to get so emotional and fucking love sick on you, but it's all true._

_Anyway, back to the story._

_So a little after Octavia got to the hospital, Clarke had fallen back asleep and Echo forced me to go in one of the on call rooms to get some rest myself._

_When I woke up I felt a little better but I was still drained. Emotionally drained, physically drained, all of it. But, I still held my head high and my shoulders back. Knowing I really could stand the weight and wasn't going to let it crush me. That's what you do for the ones you love and you know what? If the roles were reversed, I know Clarke would do the same._

_It was around dinner time when the psychiatrist finally made his way to see Clarke, who was up but wasn't really talking to Aurora, Octavia or I. It was a little awkward and we tried to keep the conversation light. She did still hold my hand, even though she didn't want to talk._

_When he walked in, the doctor asked us all to step out of the room so he could talk to her alone. Clarke was so emotionally numb at that point she didn't even say anything or look at any of us. She just let her hand slip from mine and closed her eyes._

_"I love you." I told her, while getting up to go._

_“You shouldn't.” She whispers before a few tears slip out._

_I wanted to go tell her how wrong she was but Aurora grabbed my arm. “Not now.” She says softly to me before moving to kiss Clarke's head. “We’ll be right outside.”_

_The doctor stops Aurora. “I would like to speak to the family afterwards.”_

_“We will be in the waiting room.” He nods and then lets her pass._

_  
When we got out of ICU, down the hall I could see my mom, dad and Aden walking to meet us. But they weren't alone. Abby was with them. It had been over three days since Clarke arrived and this was the first time Abby had visited. Aurora would not let her leave the house to visit until she was sober and it had taken that long. That pissed me the fuck off. I mean, I was fucking so irate that I instantly started shaking like I had been stuck with a shot full of adrenaline._

_In the ten seconds it took me to get over to her, I had basically written an entire five page speech in my head, on everything I thought of her and how utterly disgusted I was. Her daughter tried to end her own life and almost succeeded and I was going to tell Abby that I put the blame fully on her. She forced Clarke to grow up quicker than she deserved. Clarke had to carry the weight of her family because Abby gave up!_

_Oh was I fucking heated! I wanted to scream it all in her face… and I was going to. I was ready! My fists were balled and even my dad braced for the onslaught. But then, I went from feeling red fucking hot, to ice cold in an instant. All because I looked into her eyes. I had never seen such a pair with the same amount of defeat or suffering in them… except one other. Clarke's. They looked the same as Clarke's did, when she would get in one of her moods. They were tired and hopeless and begged me to take away all the pain they held._

_Abby reached her hand out slowly, grabbing the front of my shirt and balling it into her fist, just like Clarke always did. I wanted to slap her hand away, my anger still lurking somewhere deep within me. But I didn't. I watched as tremors wracked her own body, as she went to hug me. No doubt the shaking was because of the emotional aspect of what was going on, but that wasn't all of it. I looked at the hair that was stuck to her forehead and noticed the heavy layer of sweat. Abby was going through withdrawals, so she could be there. And because she was at least doing that, I let her hug me. I bit my tongue, I let her cry into my shoulder and then filed my speech away for a later date. I had words she needed to and was going to hear, but they could wait._

_When Abby broke away from me to go to her best friend, I found myself walking into the arms of both my parents._

_“She was too sick to come until now.” My mom whispered to me, before kissing my head._

_"That's her own fault.” I used up all the sympathy I had for the woman with the hug and by keeping quiet for the moment._

_Although the comment didn't sit very well with my religious mother. "Do to others, Lexa. She has made her mistakes but you do not get to judge her on them.” She scolds me but also grabs my face and kisses my cheek. “God forbid, you almost found yourself in her shoes.”_

_Not gonna lie, it kinda felt like my mom had just socked me in the stomach. I very well could have been like Abby. She lost the person she loved most, Clarke's father, Jake. She lost him and couldn't carry on once he had been gone. If I had been too late… if I had lost Clarke… would I have been able to carry on? Who can answer that question if asked? Not me._

_“We're getting her help. She just wanted to see her daughter first.” My dad rubs my shoulders. “How is she doin, kid?” My dad asks, to change the subject up a bit._

_“She's doing good, Pops. Doctor expects a full recovery. There is a psychiatrist in there with her right now.”_

_He grabs me roughly for another hug. “Glad to hear she's doing well.”_

_“Me too, Pops.”_

_  
When we joined everyone else that was in the waiting room, Aurora was telling Abby everything that happened to Clarke. Up until that point, I guess she had only known the bare minimum because she was too sick._

_A little bit after Aurora was done, the psychiatrist had come out into the waiting room to talk to us. He had asked us a few questions about her and her behavior and we told her about her moods._

_“After speaking with Clarke and all of you, I think Clarke has type one bipolar disorder. This is a mental illness that affects her moods and behaviors.”_

_“What's that supposed to mean?” Aden asks._

_“Well, with bipolar one or manic depression as you have probably heard of it called before, the person suffers extreme mood swings. In their manic state, their mood is very elevated and energetic and then can switch to a very low depression. I also believe she sometimes experiences psychosis during her episodes.”_

_“That's the seeing and hearing things?” Aurora asks him._

_He nods. “Clarke will be going up to psych once she is medically released where we can observe her more, but I believe this is what she has. Although incurable, it is very treatable.”_

_“How?” Octavia spoke up that time._

_“She will be in the psychiatric hospital for a few weeks. We need to get her on medication, which will help balance out certain chemicals in her brain. Also she will need regular therapy.”_

_“She always gonna have it?” Aden sounded as sad as I felt._

_The doctor nods. “Unfortunately. But lots of people who have bipolar live healthy lives. We're gonna send you guys home with some information on it once she is upstairs and can schedule a family care session.” He stands up and reaches to shake all of our hands and we thank him before he leaves._

_It hurt when he said that it could be weeks before Clarke would be able to go home, but she needed the help and I just wanted her to be ok. I wanted her to be happy and I wanted all that pain I tried and failed to protect her from, to go away. That's all I really cared about._

_Wasting no time, I started walking back to the ICU entrance. I wanted to be with Clarke but Aurora stops me just before I entered. “Lexa, maybe you could give Abby a few minutes with Clarke alone?”_

_That was actually the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. But, I had to think of what Clarke wanted, not me. Clarke and I had plenty of conversations about her mom and what she was like before Jake had died. Abby used to be a loving mother. She took great care of Clarke, given their situation. Clarke always dreamed her mother would be sober again. Was I gonna stand in the way of her seeing her mom sober, before Abby went to go get help. No… no I wasn’t. So I let Abby pass by me and went back to the waiting room._

_Abby stayed with Clarke for well over an hour and when she came back out, she looked a little better than when she went in. She came right up to me._

_"I know I don't have the right to ask you this… but I'm probably going to be gone for a while.” She barely is able to hold back her sobs. “Please just take care of her until I get back. I have a second chance with my daughter and I can't lose her. I want to make things right. Please.”_

_“Then do what you gotta do because she deserves better.” Even after my mom told me not to judge Abby, I couldn't help the animosity I still felt towards the woman. She hurt the love of my life over and over again. It was going to take a lot for me to get over that fact. “Clarke is in good hands.”_

_Abby nods as tears fall from her eyes. “I know. Thank you, Lexa.”_

_Aurora and Octavia go to walk Abby out with my parents who were taking her to a rehab facility. They were going to pay and made sure it was one of the best. I turned around and went to go back into the ICU._

_When I walked in the door, Clarke was staring out the window from her bed. She looked so tired when she turned to me, it took my breath away. Her eyes were puffy from crying and I hated the broken look in them. I didn't say anything as I made my way to her bedside and neither did she. She just held her arms out wanting me to crawl back into bed with her. So I did. I climbed in the bed and held her for I don't even know how long. I knew she didn't want to talk and honestly we didn't need to. We could say all that we needed to in the way we held on to each other. It was one of the things I cherished most about the two of us. And in that moment, I knew how bad she was hurting and she knew I would gladly take it all on if I could._

_If only I could._

_  
So, it took a full week and a half for Clarke to be medically cleared to be placed in psychiatric. They had started her on antidepressants and an antipsychotic medication after the doctor had talked to us and her mood had started to improve a little bit over that time. She wouldn't always talk when the family was around but I could get her to when it was just the two of us. Except about what had happened. She wasn't ready and truthfully… I don't think that I was either at that time. But, I mostly just read to her while we were there._

_For the first two days she was going to be in psychiatric, the doctors didn't want her to have any visitors. Thinking about it now, it kinda makes me laugh because Clarke was so brave and strong about it, where I was freaking out and wanted to punch the doctor in the fucking face. Which, I didn't… but boy, it was hard not to. Clarke knew though and she tried to calm me when it was time for her to go._

_“It's ok, Lexa.” She whispered the words against my cheek as we waited for the elevator. Echo was with us, needing to escort Clarke up to psych. “They said I can call. We can talk on the phone and you need to get back to work anyway.” I had spent everyday and night at the hospital since she arrived. Lincoln and my other cousin Anya had been taking care of the gym for me during that time. I just couldn't leave her. But then I was forced to and I was having a harder time than she was. “And you need to sleep in a real bed.”_

_I didn't mind sleeping in the chair, I could sleep anywhere she was. “I'll have my phone on me at all times, Love. And I'll be here first thing Friday morning.”_

_“Visiting starts at eleven.” Echo informed us._

_My eyes rolled incredibly hard into the back of my head, making Clarke smile. “Ok fine. Then I'll be here at eleven.”_

_Clarke brushed the tip of her nose against mine before kissing me. “I’m really sorry.”_

_I shook my head no, not wanting her to apologize. “Just stay strong and rest up. Ok, Love?”_

_She forces another smile out and nods. “Ok.”_

_The elevator dinged and part of me wanted to throw her over my shoulder and make a break for it. I didn't though, don't worry. I knew this was the right thing for her. Instead, I just kissed her one last time. “I'll talk to you tonight.”_

_She nods and Echo apologetically holds her hands out for Clarke to continue into the elevator. I held my hand up in goodbye and just before the doors closed, I saw the first of Clarke's tears finally fall._

_When I finally made it home, I didn't know what the fuck to do with myself. I cleaned the house and showered. I tried reading but couldn't focus. I wanted to try and take a nap but knew that probably wouldn't be possible. When things were quiet and my mind was able to roam free, it always wanted to relive what had happened. Frame for fucking frame and in slow motion. Oh and the kicker! Those super awesome fun times when I was so deep into the memory, that the ending started to change. I’m a writer and I can tell you, that our minds don't stop dreaming up scenarios when our pen is not against paper. And mine definitely went wild with all the things that could have happened if I didn't get to Clarke in time. Each time being worse than the last. I was exhausted._

_Eventually I decided I just needed to work out but I didn't want to go to my gym, even though I should have. Wanting to hide from my responsibilities for just a little while longer, I decided to go use my dad's home gym instead._

_Usually, when I went hard on a heavy bag, it helped clear my mind. That day though, with every punch I threw, my mind decided to throw an image right back at me. It started off with me having to give chest compressions to Clarke when I found her. Then it switched to the doctors giving them to her in the ER. Finally, my mind associated every punch with them shocking Clarke's heart with paddles and I finally just lost control. For the first time, in a long time, I let my rage take over. I screamed so hard that my voice gave out and just as I imagined them shocking her for the last time and could hear the monitor flatlining, I was grabbed up into someone's arms. It wasn't my mind playing tricks on me though. No, my dad was actually there, holding me tight._

_“Lexa!” How long had he been there? How many times did he say my name? I had no fucking clue. Stupidly, I tried to push him away. I didn't want comfort. I wanted to fight! I wanted to let everything I was holding in for the last week and a half out._

_My dad, he knows me so well and he knew what I needed in that moment. So, he let his grip on me go and pushed me away from his chest. Then he faced the palms of his hands out toward me so I had some more targets, moving ones and let just let me do my thing._

_After a good twenty minutes of hard and constant punches, I finally wore myself out. My dad put his hands down but held his arms out for me. I hadn't realized how hard I was crying until I tried to take a deep breath and couldn't._

_“It's alright, Honey. Let it out.”_

_And I fucking did. I cried until I had nothing left, while my Dad held me tight in his arms. I think the last time that had happened, I was ten years old and he had just told me my mom was hit by a drunk driver. She was ok but I was so little and when you hear that, you automatically think the worst._

_When I pulled back I could see all the tears that were left on the front of his shirt and I don't know why, but I tried to wipe them away._

_“Leave them, Lexa.” He said before lifting my chin so I could meet his eyes. “I know you have to be strong for her, but that doesn't mean I can't be strong for you.” I nodded and a few more tears slipped out. “This is all going to work out, you hear me?” I nodded again and stopped the rest of the tears. “She's where she needs to be. She needs help and they are going to give her that. Ok?” He grabbed me for another hug. “We're going to do whatever we need to for you guys. But you have to take this time to heal yourself. What she did… it's a huge thing to have to deal with, for everyone involved. I know you, Lexa. I know how you like to take on the weight of the world and that's fine. I'm so fucking proud to have such a strong daughter. But you can't forget to take care of yourself too. You're mother and I are both here for you. For all of you.”_

_“Thank you, Papa.” I let him hug me again, knowing he spoke true. My dad was as big and could be as mean as a grizzly bear if he needed to be. And sometimes he did it just for fun too, but don't let him fool you. Pops was just a big ol’ teddy bear._

_"Anytime kid.” He pulls back and checks out my hands. I forgot to tape them and split them open at the knuckles in some spots. “Let's clean you up, fill your belly and then I want you to go get some rest.”_

_"Yes sir.” He nods, grabs my shoulder and leads me to the bathroom to clean me up. And you know what, I wasn't feeling great, but I was feeling better being reminded that Clarke and I weren't in this alone. We had a whole family of fucking support. So, yea. I did start to think that it was going to all work out._

_After I ate, I went up to my parents room instead of the barn to sleep but I didn't fully sleep. Basically I just teetered on the edge of consciousness for a couple hours until my mom got home. She crawled into bed with me and held me like only a mother could, while I cried tears I didn't know how I was even producing. Eventually, I was able to actually fall into unconsciousness and stayed asleep until Clarke had called later that night._

_Clarke sounded so tired and didn't stay on the phone for long. Just long enough to tell me she was fine and it wasn't so bad there. She had promised to call in the morning and asked that I let everyone know she was ok. I told her that I would and we said our goodbyes. I called Octavia's let her know before I went back to sleep in my parents room for the night._

_  
When I woke up the next morning, I knew I needed to get back to the gym to take care of everything so that's what I did. I stopped in at Clarke's house to check on the rest of the family but they had all been asleep still. I left them a bag of fresh donuts and coffee before heading down the street to open the gym._

_Thankfully, Lincoln offered to keep up with Ontari’s training for another week and so I just had to focus on some paperwork and anyone that was there for the open gym hours. I had my phone by me the entire time, not wanting to miss Clarke's call. It might sound silly, since it was only a day since I had seen her, but I missed her. I knew she was still hurting and it killed me that I couldn't be there to help her through it. But Clarke was so strong. I knew she could handle anything thrown her way, I just loved her and just wanted to be with her._

_When my phone did eventually ring, I closed my office door before answering. “Hello?”_

_“Hi.” Again, she sounded exhausted._

_“Hi, Love. How are you?” Hearing her voice just made me miss her even more. She didn't respond right away but I could hear her quiet sobs on the other end. “I miss you, Clarke.”_

_“I miss you.”_

_“You sound tired? Did you sleep ok?” I noticed I was pacing and sat on my desk to stop._

_“No. I couldn't. Lexa, I hate it here.”_

_“What happened?” I hopped off my desk and needed to pace again._

_“This woman in the room next to me just cries and screams all night long. I don't have my charcoal and I can't sleep without…” She stops abruptly, not wanting to finish her sentence. There was a long pause before she continued. “I just can't sleep. It's so cold at night in the bed and… and...”_

_"You can't sleep without your space heater.” That's what she always called me. I thought I could hear a small laugh but it was probably just wishful thinking. “I'm going to see if I can bring you some charcoal when I come tomorrow and I'll pack a few of my hoodies too.”_

_"The red one?” It was her favorite one of mine._

_“Of course. And the black one that's nice and soft on the inside.” It was another favorite of hers, especially when it was cold out._

_“I really like that one too.”_

_"I know you do, Love. Anything else?” I wrote down the three things even though I knew I would remember._

_“You…”_

_"I'll be there first thing.”_

_“Visiting starts at eleven.” I let out a dramatic sigh and that time I definitely heard a little laugh come from her. “I love you, Lexa.”_

_“And I love you, Clarke.”_

_“I told O I would call her, so I should probably go.”_

_Damnit. I wanted to be selfish and ask that she call Octavia later, so I could stay on the phone with her. “Then I'll see you tomorrow at eleven, Love.”_

_“I can call you later, if you want? We have evening phone time too.”_

_“Yes!” Oh man. That probably came out as desperate as I didn't want to seem. Whatever._

_She did laugh again though. “Ok, I will. I hope you have a good day… are you at work?”_

_“Yes, just getting a few things handled around here. Then I'm going to get a work out in.”_

_“Well I'll let you go.”_

_“Alright Love. Go call O and have a good rest of the day until I talk to you.”_

_“I will.” The tears were back in her voice. “Loveyoubye.”_

_“Loveyoubye.” I let the call end on its own and took a deep breath. We were going to get through this. I told myself that over and over again and I believed it._

_After work, I decided to go shopping for Clarke. I wanted to get her some new art supplies for when she got out and also to bring her while she was there. I picked her up a really nice pair of slippers and some nice warm sweat pants. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as possible while she was away. Then after I went shopping I decided to go bring everyone dinner at Clarke's house._

_It was a little awkward at the house. Aden looked like he had been crying, but the tough little shit wouldn't admit it. I still gave him a hug but told him that I needed it. Octavia was holding up the best she could. Lincoln was really there for her and I appreciated my cousin for that. I knew he was trying the best he could to help me out at the gym and then Octavia the rest of the time. I would never forget it._

_We decided that I would go visit with Clarke in the morning the next day and they would go for the evening session. They wanted us to have some time alone and I was so grateful for that._

_That night I got everything together and picked out Clarke's favorite outfit of mine for me to wear. I wanted to look good for her, as silly as it may have sounded, but it was true. I was going to wear my hair down just the way she liked it and was going to make sure I wore the perfume she loved. And I know… maybe I was slipping into sudden madness… because Clarke wouldn't really care what I looked like or how I smelled when I went to see her but if you refer back to the first chapter, you’ll understand why I was acting as mad as I was._

_Clarke had called me around seven that night, still sounding defeated. She spoke a little bit about what she did that day. Also told me about her roommate and how she seemed nice and normal. I asked her what she meant by that and all she said was that she didn't seem as crazy as Clarke thought herself to be._

_"Don't say that Clarke. You're not crazy, Love.”_

_“I tried to fucking kill myself, Lexa! How is that not a sure sign of how batshit crazy I am!” And then she hung up on me. I was caught so off guard, that I hadn't even registered that she hung up. I held the phone to my ear for at least a good minute before realizing she was no longer on the line._

_Without thinking I tried to call the number back, but it didn't allow incoming calls. I threw my phone on the bed and just hoped she would call me back, knowing she probably wouldn't though._

_I didn't sleep much that night and was up before dawn. So I decided to go for a long run before getting ready to go see Clarke. I was nervous considering the way she ended our call the night before, but tried not to let it show too much._

_Stopping at the flower shop, I hand picked a bouquet of her favorites and arrived at the hospital a half hour early. I took the time to smoke a few cigarettes before making my way inside. I was searched before I was allowed in and was told I couldn't bring in the flowers or the art supplies, for whatever reason. The sketchbook was fine but not the charcoal. That didn't really stop me though because I was able to sneak a few pieces of charcoal and a flower up my sleeve._

_I watched as they took the strings off all my hoodies and the shoes I had brought for Clarke but didn't care about my stuff. As long as she had them and could wear them, my mom knew how to restring hoodies anyway._

_While I waited to be let through all the locked doors, I felt my heart start to race and my palms start to sweat. I was nervous and excited both. I just couldn't wait to see Clarke's beautiful face._

_While they took me towards the common room where visiting usually took place, walking through the white halls I couldn't help but look through all the open rooms. Wondering which one was Clarke's and if she would be in there. I was so distracted by them that I didn't see my Love standing at the end of the hallway. And didn't see her running towards me until the last second when I opened my arms to catch her._

_“Hi, Love.” I held her tight and couldn't help but smell her hair and kissed her shoulder at least twenty times._

_“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hung up on you. That was so awful of me.” She was crying, so I just squeezed her harder._

_“Shhh. You don't need to apologize, Clarke.” I kissed her neck, pulled her back and wiped the tears from each cheek, before finally being rewarded with her lips._

_The older woman who had been taking me back to see Clarke cleared her throat politely, as many of the patients had gathered around to watch our reunion. I was able to force myself to pull back and gave her an apologetic look before grabbing Clarke's hand so we could continue on._

_The common room was pretty big and had plenty of couches, tables and chairs, as well as a TV. Clarke led me to the couch that was furthest away from the other visiting families and curled up into my side, placing her head on my shoulder once we sat down._

_“They wouldn't let me call you back later on, once I realized how horrible I was being. I tried Lexa I did, but they wouldn't let me!”_

_“Hey…” I had one arm around her and kissed the top of her head. “It's ok, I'm not mad. So stop worrying about it, Love. There is no need.”Clarke nods and after a few moments her cries quieted down before disappearing._

_I had brought an entire bag full of things for her but the staff would only let me bring the sketch pad, the red hoodie and my copy of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. We were almost done with the whole Chronicles of Narnia series and Clarke was loving them. We started reading them when she was in ICU. I hadn't been able to go home to get something for us to read, so Echo went and found us the first three once I told her that we liked to read together._

_Reaching for the hoodie next to me I held it out for her to put on. She throws the hood up before bringing up one of the sides to smell. “Thank you.” She says softly before kissing the side of my mouth._

_“They wouldn't let me bring you your charcoal.” I handed her the sketchbook. It had a few of her drawings already in it._

_When she looked up and over to me, I could see how devastated she would have been if I didn't sneak in the couple pieces, that I had. I put my forefinger up to my lips before presenting her with the illicit art supplies. The look on her face when she realized what they were, that relief and joy, fuck guys… I'll never forget it. Her art was more than just a hobby. It was her passion, her outlet, everything. And there was no way I was going to let her go without it._

_“Lexa…” She throws the pieces in the hoodie pocket and brings both hands to my face so she could kiss me. “Thank you.”_

_“I also brought you flowers, but they wouldn't let me bring those in either.” Clarke looks down, trying not to let me see the fact that she was disappointed, because I knew she believed she didn't deserve them. “But…” When she looks back up I have the flower under my nose, spinning it by the little one inch stem that was left. “I was able to smuggle at least one of them in.” I handed her the flower so she could have it._

_Have I told you how much I loved it when Clarke smiled? Fuck. I honestly don't have the words to describe it._

_She smells the flower herself, before leaning over to kiss me again. “It's so beautiful, Lexa. Thank you so much.” I get another kiss before she wipes the few tears that had fallen out. Then she curls up against me again, laying her head on my shoulder and links our hands together. We just sat there for awhile, not saying anything, just taking in the comfort being near brought us._

_“Do you want to talk?” I finally asked, knowing we only had about a half hour left. She brings her free hand up to cover her eyes and shakes her head. I grabbed the book that was next to me and put it in my lap. “Do you want to read?” I feel her nod her head but she doesn't uncover her eyes. “Ok. Where did we leave off? Eustace had just went into the cave, right?” She nods again, so I open the book to find our page. Then we read. I could give her the time to figure things out before we were forced to talk about it. I knew we couldn't go too long, but what was one more day?_

_We read until it was time for me to leave and as we said goodbye I handed her the last of the things I brought her._

_I handed her a letter that I had written her the night before. I took her face in my hands so I could look her in the eyes. “Read this tonight when you're in bed and know that you’re not really alone. You’re not. I’ll be in one of our beds thinking of you.” She closes her eyes letting a few tears fall. “Where I'll be waiting. Waiting to hold you again, ok? I'm not going anywhere, Love.”_

_She nods frantically before bringing my lips to hers. “I love you.”_

_“And I love you, Clarke.”_

_It was hard to leave her again but it had to be done. And I hoped my letter would be enough to get her through the night, when she felt all alone._

_And just in case you're out there somewhere reading this, Clarke… if you're feeling all alone, here is my letter again. I miss you, Love._

_“Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in mine, and I'll be happy for the rest of my life.”  
-Charlotte Eriksson_

_Clarke,_

_I’m laying in our big bed and it's pretty late. I have the shades drawn on the window, which is open just a crack so I can hear the water. When you're having trouble, I know how much the sounds of the small waves help you sleep. It might be hard for you now, so I want you to try and picture it. The wind is blowing a little harder tonight, and I can hear one of the buoys as it keeps being pushed against the dock because of it. Mom’s wind chimes are singing loud right now and if I strain my ear real hard… I can hear Pops sawing logs in his sleep. Honestly, I don't know how Mom hasn't suffocated him yet._

_But I'm laying here Love and all I can think about is you and our Sunday mornings. You know that they are my favorite, as I know they are yours too. You love that I don't have to get up early on Sunday and that we get to spend the first few hours cuddled under the blankets. Talking… loving… just being together._

_Sometimes, I wish that everyday was Sunday. That everyday, once we finally are able to tear ourselves away from the bed, we get to make breakfast together. Your casserole or my French toast. Or crepes. I know how much you love those._

_Sunday is our day. Our day to just be us. I don't have to work and you don't have to be at home taking care of everyone. We get to do whatever we want to. You like it most when we go into the city, on Sunday afternoons and evenings. When you get to show me all the things I've foolishly never seen. Secretly though, I'm glad I never experienced Detroit before you. I love that you are the one to show me all it has to hold. All of it's beauty and also it's dark side. Did you know that I love them both?_

_So yea, I wish everyday could be that way, but I know realistically that it can't be. Not yet anyway. Not until we are older. When we're done giving the world everything we have to and really get to experience it. But we will get there, Love. We will. We’ll both be gray and you’ll hate that. But I promise you, even when you're gray, you will still be the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And every morning we wake up, late because we can… because everyday would be our Sunday, I’ll tell you how beautiful you actually are, before we make breakfast and go explore._

_We have an entire lifetime ahead of us Clarke. A lifetime together. So don't worry about this little time we have to be apart. It won't compare. I love you, so much. I know you are hurting right now, and I wish I could be there with you. But I'm here at home, and I want you to get better so you can come home too. You're going to get through this, ok? You're so strong and I'm here to help back you up when you need it. This pain won't be forever, Love. It's going to get better. You’ll see._

_But I want you to get some rest now, Love. It won't be long until you are home. I'll see you soon._

_Goodnight Clarke._

_All my love,  
Lexa_

 


	17. I see you for exactly who you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... *nervous gay laughter* it's been awhile. I am sorry it took so long to get this update out. 
> 
> There are only a few chapters left of this, and it's kind of surreal to think about but thank you so much for sticking with me.
> 
> Also, there was some sin in this chapter but I accidentally deleted it. I was going to try and rewrite it but I felt like I have kept you guys waiting long enough. I'll just have to make it up to you next chapter!
> 
> Much love friends

After Lexa finishes her old letter to Clarke in the chapter, she puts the book down on the bed before starting the next. Clarke had been silently crying on Lexa's chest through both chapters, but the letter finally broke through her resolve.

“I'm so sorry…” It's all Clarke could say as she sat up so she could stare into Lexa's eyes. “I'm so… I wish... if I could take it back…” Clarke finally lets her chin fall.

“Hey.” Lexa says, bringing Clarke's chin back up. “I know. I know, Love.” Lexa makes sure she says it slow and that Clarke's eyes were on hers. “I have had plenty of time to cope with what happened.” Lexa takes both of Clarke's hands into her lap, before bringing them both up to kiss while she shakes her head. “I had a lot of time…” Lexa's voice gets caught in her throat, the emotion finally getting the best of her. Looking down at Clarke's hands, she brings them back up to her mouth, so she could kiss them again and when she looks back up, she can't hold her tears off for any longer. Lexa swallows hard and tips her head back to try and stop her tears from falling.

Unable to stand the sight, Clarke moves herself into Lexa's lap and wraps her arms around Lexa's shoulders, hugging her tightly. Clarke was silent for a few moments before her own small sobs started to break out. “I wish I could go back. More than anything because I know I messed up Lexa. I know I did and I'm so sorry.”

“We can't go back.” Lexa pulls away slightly and takes Clarke's face in her hands. “But we can move forward.” She looks into her eyes before placing a much needed kiss to Clarke's lips. “We can heal together.”

Nodding, Clarke leans in for another kiss before laying back down onto the bed. She pulls Lexa with her and settles herself perfectly into Lexa's arms, against her chest. “I'm scared.” Clarke finally whispers after a few silent moments had passed. “I'm scared to read what comes next.”

“Me too.” Lexa admits, while holding Clarke tighter. “But we don't need to finish it tonight. We have plenty of time.” She leans down and kisses the top of Clarke's head.

“A whole lifetime…” Clarke says referencing back to Lexa's letter.

Lexa smiles hearing the words and nods. “That's right.” She leans down and kisses Clarke's head before running her nails up and down Clarke's back, knowing how much it soothes her. “I love you.” Lexa whispers, knowing Clarke is close to sleep. “I love you so fucking much, Clarke.”

“I love you.” Clarke responds softly and those were the last words Lexa heard before they both fell peacefully asleep, holding on to each other for dear life.

 

The next morning, the sun had woken Lexa up, much the same way it had the day prior. It was already high in the sky, meaning she had slept late. But this time, she didn't have to wonder if she had been dreaming of being with the love of her life. Because when she woke up, Clarke was still in her arms and hadn't moved an inch.

Lexa doesn't hold back the smile as she leans down to smell the beautiful and bright head of blonde hair that still rested on her chest. She brings her hand up and starts to run her fingertips ever so lightly up and down Clarke's bare back.

Clarke makes a small sound of approval before stirring a little in Lexa's arms. Lexa doesn't want to wake her, so she doesn't say anything but continues the soothing motion and just thinks about everything that's happening.

Having Clarke home was an amazing feeling. Clarke wanting to work on things, even more so. But knowing that Clarke was going to stop letting her illness define who she is and what her life should be, that took the cake for Lexa.

All Lexa has ever wanted, was for Clarke to see herself in the way everyone else did. Everyone who has ever loved Clarke as a friend or family, knows just how special she really was. She gave everything that she could, to those special few she cared for and that's not an exaggeration. Clarke was strong and selfless, having given up a lot of her life when her father died. And that's why Lexa's not angry with the fact that Clarke left her. Lexa knows deep down, Clarke truly believed leaving would be what was best for everyone, even though she was wrong.

That fact that Clarke was starting to see the truth, Lexa couldn't ask for anything more. She wasn't as naïve to believe that the next few months will be easy and painless, but she knew it would be worth it. It was going to take some time and work on everyone's part, but Lexa didn't believe for one second that they wouldn't survive this.

Lexa involuntarily squeezes Clarke a little harder, making Clarke start, before trying to push herself away from Lexa.

“You're safe.” Lexa says while releasing her hold on Clarke immediately. Lexa's instincts have improved tenfold in all manners, from her time spent at the group home and support groups alike.

Clarke was able to push herself to the other side of the bed before she looked at Lexa, who had her hands up and those soft eyes staring back at her.

“It's ok.” Lexa whispers. “It's just me, you're with me, Love.”

Clarke's heart was racing so fast, that it was also making her pant. For the last few years, Clarke was used to sleeping alone, except for those few instances when she was manic. She didn't mean to react the way she had, just her subconscious didn't think she was actually in the place she had been in. Clarke quickly covers her eyes and starts apologizing.

“It's ok, Clarke.” Lexa repeats, while still keeping her distance.

It doesn't take Clarke long to calm herself down and move back into her position in Lexa's arms. “I'm not used to waking up like this.”

Lexa laughs softly from underneath her. “Yesterday I believed you to be a dream, wasted a whole few minutes sulking before I realized you weren't.”

“Really?” Clarke asks, while looking up before placing a shy kiss to Lexa's jaw. “I'm not a dream.”

“But you are.” Lexa can't stop the truthful words from coming out and Clarke understands her meaning.

Tears build in Clarke's eyes from Lexa's sweet words, but they don’t fall. She just pulls herself up and kisses Lexa deeply. “You're my dream too.” Clarke whispers against Lexa's lips before claiming them once more.

The early morning make out session goes on for longer than the two had intended, but when Clarke hears her own stomach growl, she knows Lexa wasn't too far in to ignore it.

Lexa rolls them quickly and tries to raise herself up and off of Clarke, who was having none of that. She locks her legs around Lexa and shakes her head. “Excuse you.”

Lexa has to bite her lip to keep the smile back. “What exactly am I excusing? You're hungry so I was going to get us some food.”

“I don't want food.” Clarke says, wrapping her legs tighter, while also canting her hips up.

Lexa closes her eyes when she feels how wet Clarke was. “Well, you need to eat.”

“And I plan on doing just that…” Clarke says before grabbing the back of Lexa's neck, bringing her in for a searing kiss. She was hell bent on getting what she wanted in the moment. Lexa. Always Lexa.

 

“Oh my god…” Clarke says once they finish going a few rounds.

“Agreed.” Lexa responds while trying to catch her breath.

Clarke brings her hand up, intent on rubbing Lexa's stomach, but it just falls in her exhaustion. Lexa laughs before grabbing the hand and brings it up to her mouth to kiss.

“Well now that you eaten me…” She gives Clarke her cocky grin. “What do you want food wise?”

“You gotta give me a minute, Lexa. I can't think when I'm still pulsing.”

Laughing, Lexa rolls over onto Clarke and kisses her softly. “How about crepes? We can make them together.”

Clarke smiles before kissing Lexa. “That sounds amazing. Can you carry me to the kitchen though? You gave me sex legs.” Clarke was just joking but Lexa wasted no time picking her small girlfriend up off the bed, making her laugh. As she holds Clarke bridal style, she is peppered with sweet kisses to her cheek and neck. “I was only kidding.”

“I know, but I'll never turn down a chance to have you in my arms.”

Clarke lets out a little laugh before kissing Lexa's lips. “I forgot how smooth you can be.”

“When I'm not being awkward?” Lexa sits Clarke on the counter near the stove but stays in between her legs.

“Stop it.” Clarke says leaning in for another kiss. “You're not awkward.”

“Ehhh? That might be up for debate.” With one more kiss, Lexa then moves to the fridge to take out the ingredients.

They joke and talk about little things while they make breakfast, with Clarke almost falling down laughing when Lexa went to flip the first crepe by only using the pan. It landed directly on the floor. The next couple she was able to flip perfectly and after they ate, somehow had found themselves back in the bed, cuddling.

“I am so full.” Clarke tells Lexa, while playing with her crazy brown curls. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Love. So what do you want to do today? Did you want to go to group?”

Clarke nods and then remembers something. She gets up off the bed and grabs her bag, getting her pills out. She takes them with a bottle of water that she stashed in there the previous day before jumping back into the bed.

“Well, would you like to go to the morning group and then we can maybe go spend the day in the city?” When Lexa watched Clarke's eyes light up, she knew she had suggested the right thing.

  
After they both showered and dressed for the day, Lexa refilled her coffee before they headed out. She let Clarke drive and they were at the home a half hour before group started. Making sure it was ok with her first, Lexa left Clarke to hang with the kids while she handled some of the things she needed to, since she hadn't been at the home working the last few days.

She had finished with what she had to do mere minutes before group was about to start, and when she walked into the open area where group was held, her steps faltered. The sight she was seeing, was incredible. Her heart swelled along with her smile, as she took in Clarke sitting at the coffee table with the kids. A few including Tris were on the couch all posing in a funny manner, while Clarke drew them.

All the kids were amazed, as they watched Clarke's hand move quickly, creating the image set before them.

“Yo, that's amazing.” One of the boys say.

“Can you teach me to to that?” Another asks.

“Thank you, and I can try… I've never taught anyone before.” Clarke puts her charcoal pencil down and holds up the picture before turning it so the subjects of the drawing could see.

Tris doubles over in laughter at the funny poses that her and the other girls were making and reached for the paper. “This is awesome! Can we hang it up in our room?” Tris asks.

“Yes, of course.” Clarke laughs before getting up to put her supplies away, stopping next to Lexa and giving her a quick kiss before picking her seat on the couch. She pats the cushion for Lexa to sit down next to her.

“Do you guys mind if I sit in?” Lexa asks before sitting down, when no one objects.

“How is everyone feeing today?” The counselor asks.

“I got a call from my little brother today.” Tris announces to the group.

“Really? How did that go?”

Tris shrugs. “It was quick, my mom grabbed the phone once she found out and started yelling at me about not corrupting him or some shit. I hung up on her. I didn't want to hear that.”

“That must have been hard.” He tells her.

Again, she shrugs. “Yea, I guess. I miss my brother. Maybe even her a little. Before she found out about my sexuality and kicked me out, things weren't all terrible all the time.”

“What she did was an inexcusable act. A choice she made and it's not your fault. And just because she is your mother, does not give her the right to treat you that way.”

“I know. It's gotten easier. I'm doing me and working towards the life that I want. And if down the line, she decides to get her head out of her ass, I'll be the one to decide if she can be in my life or not.”

“Good for you.” Clarke tells her while patting her leg.

“What about you Clarke? You had mentioned before that the relationship between you and your mother had been rocky for awhile, after your dad died.”

Clarke involuntarily squeezes Lexa's hand, with the attention being brought to her. “Um, yes. She is… was, an alcoholic. It got worse after my father had passed. I had to basically run the household at fourteen. It's like I was the parent and she was my drunk child.”

“That sounds unfair.”

“I guess it was. But I did it… up until the day I left.” She looks to Lexa with tears in her eyes, but Lexa just squeezes her hand and nods that it's ok to continue. “There was a big fight with my mom, the things she said… it kind of pushed me…” Clarke takes in a deep breath. “After my… my attempt, she had went to rehab. She got home around the same time that I did, from the hospital. It didn't take her very long to fall back into the bottle.” Clarke looks down to Lexa's hand in hers and brings it to her mouth to kiss.

“I'm here, Love.” Lexa leans over and whispers. “It's ok.”

Clarke nods before continuing. “She was worse. She would scream at me for what I had done… would call me selfish… among other things. But uh, the last time, it just got to be too much. The things she said hit me too hard and it led me into making the decision to leave… because I didn't want her to be right.”

“Have you guys talked about it, since you have been home?”

Clarke shakes her head. “No. I haven't spent much time with her.”

“Do you want to talk to her about what had happened?”

Clarke shrugs. “She was drunk. I don't think she would have said those things if she was sober. And now she has been sober for three years, so, I don’t know.”

The counselor is quiet for a few seconds, which gives Tris an opportunity to chime in. “Do you take responsibility for the things you do and say while in an episode?” She asks Clarke, who nods. “Then don't you think she should do the same?”

She doesn't respond right away, but thinks on that question for a minute. “Yes.” Clarke finally says, in a small voice, as a few tears start to fall.

“Just because she is sober now, doesn't make everything she did in the past excusable. You guys should try and talk about it.” The counselor tells her. “When you're ready.” He adds quickly.

Clarke nods in agreement before scooting herself closer to Lexa, who puts her arm around Clarke's shoulder. Then she kissed the top of her head while the counselor continues to talk to the group about family.

  
Once group was over, Lexa could tell that Clarke was feeling emotionally drained, so she doesn't try to stick around long after. Knowing Clarke wouldn't be up for it, Lexa drives the car instead.

“Are you still up for seeing the city?” Lexa asks. Clarke shakes her head no, and Lexa wishes they would have went to the evening group instead.

“Can we just go home? I'm feeling a little tired.”

“Of course, Love. Do you mind if we stop and grab some takeout for lunch?” Clarke doesn't protest, so Lexa heads to Mexican Village to pick up some lunch for them.

  
Once they get back to the loft, they lay all the food out on the bed and eat in silence. In the middle of eating, Clarke reaches down to pick up a book that had fallen on the floor. It was the copy of Romeo and Juliet Clarke had gotten Lexa for her birthday.

“Are all the pages even still in tact?” Clarke jokes at the rough and used condition of the book.

“They are. I just have to turn them very carefully.” Then Lexa imitates herself turning one of the pages at a dramatically slow pace. Clarke laughs making Lexa smile. “But I know it word for word, so I don't even need to open the book.”

“Oh really?” Clarke challenges. “Romeo when he sees Juliet at the window.

Lexa rolls her eyes playfully. “Easy.”

Clarke lets a soft smile grace her lips. “I know, but it's my favorite.”

Lexa clears her throat, before holding a hand out. “But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?”

Hearing Lexa use her fake Shakespearean accent caused Clarke to bring her hand up to her mouth, to stifle her laughter. It only works for a second, because Lexa hops to her knees on the bed to continue her performance.

“It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green and none but fools do wear it, cast it off. It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were…”

Clarke stares up at Lexa, while she recites the lines word for word, and falls in love with her all over again. Although that was nothing new. Lexa just had that way about her and Clarke didn't plan on letting her go, again. While Lexa continues, Clarke brings her hand up and slips it under the front of Lexa's shirt, placing it on her stomach and smiles when Lexa does.

“…birds would sing and think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Ay me!” Clarke laughs out, speaking Juliet’s part.

Lexa feigns excitement, keeping up her act for the scene. But really it wasn't too far fetched, she was excited to be able to be silly with Clarke again. “She speaks! O, speak again bright angel! For thou art as glorious to this night, being o’er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven, unto the white upturned wondering eye of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy pacing clouds and sails upon the bosom of air.”

Clarke laughs as Lexa waits for her to join. She gets up on her knees in the bed so she is face to face with Lexa. “O, Romeo, Romeo.” She throws her arms around Lexa's shoulders. “Wherefore art thou, Romeo.” Clarke doesn't finish, instead just leans in to kiss Lexa, soft and slow.

When Lexa pulls back, she smiles at Clarke. “I love you.” She says bringing a hand up to caress Clarke's cheek.

“I love you, Lexa.” Clarke leans in for another kiss.

After they cleaned up from their lunch, Clarke had used the bathroom and saw the big bathtub Lexa was telling her about the previous day. She calls out to Lexa before running the water and undressing. Lexa froze when she walked into the bathroom and saw her naked girlfriend standing there.

“Join me?” Clarke asked while stepping into the warm water.

Lexa had never undressed quicker in her life.

  
The first twenty minutes of their bath, the lovers were quiet. Clarke's back was pressed up against Lexa's front, and they just held on to each other. They would steal little kisses, and traced each other's tattoos.

“Lexa?” Clarke finally says breaking the silence.

“Hmmm?”

“What's the last line in Romeo and Juliet?” Clarke holds on harder to Lexa's arm that was wrapped around her waist.

Lexa kisses Clarke's shoulder before repeating the line. “For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”

“I used to think that would be the ending of our story too.” Clarke brings up Lexa's hand and kisses it.

Lexa swallows hard before asking her question. “And now?”

Clarke turns around slowly so she can look Lexa in the eye. “And now… now I don't think our story will have an ending. I think it will go on for many lifetimes.”

Smiling, a few tears build in Lexa's eyes but don't fall. “You're right, Love.”

Clarke smiles and kisses Lexa. “I know I am.”

  
After their bath, Clarke was feeling much better and asked if they could go out into the city. Lexa could in no way deny her, so once they were dressed the that's what they did. Clarke brought her sketch pad of course, and they spent the next couple hours, hand in hand, walking through the city that they both loved so dearly.

When they got to the Riverwalk, they looked at each other, knowing the exact spot they wanted to go and sit at. The section of the Riverwalk in front of the Renaissance Center had a huge set of cement stairs that acted more as benches for the public. At the end, there was a ground fountain that all the kids would play in. Clarke loved the spot because it had it all. Tall city skyscrapers to her back, the river with a view of Windsor, Canada in front of her, the sound of pure happiness coming from the kids playing in the foundation on one side of her, and Lexa always sitting on the other.

Once they sat down, Clarke took in the familiar view. She closed her eyes as the wind from the river blew across her face, and ruffled her hair. Clarke felt so peaceful in the moment, especially when she felt a featherlight kiss to her temple. She turns her head slowly and opens her eyes to see Lexa's own staring back at her. The one smile that only Clarke ever gets to see is on her lips and she can't help but bring her hand up to Lexa's face.

“Welcome home, Love.” Lexa says, with her eyes soft but still so very, very happy.

  
They stayed at the Riverwalk until night had fallen. Clarke had a few more pictures that filled up her sketchbook and Lexa had sore cheeks from not being able to keep the smile off her face, watching her draw them.

“Are you hungry?” Lexa asks Clarke, as they took the long way back to the loft. Their hands were entwined and they were taking their time as they walked.

Clarke shakes her head no. “I've eaten so much these last few days, I can probably last another few weeks with out feeling hungry again.”

She was joking but Lexa still let her chin fall, knowing Clarke had probably spent way more days in the last three years with an empty stomach than a full one. Lexa is able to pick her chin up before Clarke notices, not wanting to ruin their perfect night. They would no doubt have many conversations on what it was like while they were apart.

“Lexa…” Clarke says, drawing her from her thoughts.

“Hmmm?”

“They finally sold that studio?” Clarke said leading them to the little studio across from the loft. Lexa didn't realize they were already back.

Lexa has to clear her threat before speaking, suddenly a little anxious. “Oh… yea. It was purchased last year.”

Clarke drops Lexa's hand and goes up to the big glass windows, cupping her hands so she could see inside. The small studio was empty besides a few tarps thrown on some furniture in the back, a few big, blank canvases and an empty mop bucket, right in the front.

“They haven't done anything with it? They just let it sit empty? Why would they do that?” Clarke turns to Lexa with a questioning look.

“Well according to some of the drunk hipsters that stand around looking inside, they think it's some form of protest piece against commercial art or something.” Lexa lets out a small laugh, reaching her hand out for Clarke to take as they made their way to the cross walk. “I wouldn't worry, Love. I'm sure there will be something beautiful displayed in there soon.”

Octavia had called Clarke the second they got back into the loft. Wanting to give her some privacy, Lexa grabbed herself a cup of coffee and made her way out to the balcony. She looks down at the studio across the street, which she can see and smiles. Wholeheartedly, Lexa believed her earlier statement to Clarke about it. She was sure there would soon be breathtaking art, lining all of the walls within.

Clarke joins her shortly afterwards, and sits in her lap, instead of the in the chair beside her. She snakes her arms around Clarke's waist and kisses the back of her neck before Clarke leans all the way back.

“Is everything all right?” Lexa asks, when she hears a sigh escape through Clarke's lips.

“Yea. Octavia wants to know if we want to have dinner with her, Lincoln, Aurora and my mom tomorrow night.”

Her heart skips a beat at the use of the word we. “Is that something you want to do?”

Clarke sighs again. “Yes and no.” Lexa stays quiet, waiting for Clarke to elaborate, but she doesn't.

“Are you tired, Love.” Lexa asks after a few minutes.

“No.” Clarke replies softly, before changing subjects. “In the next chapter… does it have the part with my mom?”

“No, it's the one after.”

Things where silent again for a moment. “How many chapters are left?”

“Three.”

“Do you want to finish it?” Clarke asks, turning her head to see Lexa's reaction.

Lexa smiles softly while nodding her head. The last three chapters are going to be tough. But being together while reading, they would be able to make it through. No question.

They leave the balcony and go back to the bedroom, settling in the bed. Clarke takes her spot, laying on Lexa's chest, as the book is opened.

“I love you, Lexa.”

“And I love you.” She places a kiss to Clarke's hair, before starting.

  
_Chapter 11 – You are the Best Thing, that Ever Happened to Me_

_“If he truly loves you, he will love you when you are an ocean breeze, but also when you are a summer storm. You were not made to be loved in parts, you were meant to be loved as a whole.”_

_Nikita Gill_

_  
Things had been going as good as they could have gone, the first two weeks Clarke had been in psychiatric. I was able to visit her every other day and we talked on the phone every single night. I missed being able to be with her and talk to her whenever I wanted but, things were working out._

_  
It wasn't until the third week that things started to take a wrong turn. Clarke had told me from the beginning that she hated the meds she was taking. She didn't like the way they made her feel. They gave her dry mouth, and made her zone out, more than usual. And the worst thing, was that it gave her hand tremors. She's an artist and needs a steady hand, so that was a huge blow to her. I had asked the doctors about it and they said that was something that happened a lot. That she needed to give them a chance to get into her system and the side effects would hopefully wear off over time._

_  
Well, after that third week, Clarke had had enough. She started refusing to take the medication. One of the days that I didn't get to see her, I also didn't receive a call from her that night. And when I went to go visit her the next day, they wouldn't let me in. They told me how she was refusing the meds and had to sedate her because she started to get violent when they told her that she needed to take them._

_  
Now, I don't know if you picked up on this, but I'm a little protective of my Love. And when they told me that, I pictured the worst, and couldn't stop my fist from coming down on the reception desk. I calmed pretty quickly when the nurse raised her eyebrows though, and was able to take a deep breath._

_  
“Can I please see her? I can try to talk to her about taking the medication. You don't need to sedate her, I can help...”_

_  
She shook her head. “I told you, she is sedated. If tomorrow she takes her medicine, then you can come back the day after to see her.”_

_  
There were many names I wanted to call that lady, as I was heated as fuck. I also wanted to put up a fight, but I didn't. Instead, I thanked her, a bit sarcastically and walked back out to my car._

_  
Once I got down to the parking lot, I lit up a cigarette and leaned up against the side of my car to smoke it, before I saw a familiar face walking towards me._

_“Hi, Lexa. How's Clarke?” Echo asked me._

_  
I sighed before telling her. “Well they wouldn't let me see her today. She has been refusing her meds, and I guess that is cause to fucking sedate her?”_

_  
“Well, they usually only do that if there is a threat to the patient or others. Was she violent?” I nodded. “Why was she refusing her meds? Side effects?” I nodded again. “Is the doctor aware?”_

_  
“Yes, we've talked about it. He said we just have to give it time. I think the major thing is that her hands shake now.”_

_“Oh, so she can't draw.” Echo says, understanding and I nodded one last time. “Well, I have a little bit of time before my shift starts, why don't I go check in on her and maybe can even talk to the doctor.”_

_“Really?” I said, pushing off from my car._

_  
“Yea, of course.” She reaches for her phone and unlocks it before handing it to me. “Just put your number in and I'll call you later on to let you know.”_

_  
I put my number in, checking to make sure it was right, three different times. Hey, I had to be sure, ok? “Thank you so much. I would really appreciate that.”_

_  
“No, problem at all. I'd be happy to see and check on her. I have been meaning to anyway, have just been swamped. Is there anything you want me to tell her?”_

_“Oh, only about a million things. Also there are a few short poems… you should probably get a pen.” I jokingly patted my pockets and she laughs. “But no, can you just tell her that I love her. That I'll be waiting to hear from her and will be trying to figure out a way to help.”_

_Echo smiles. “I can definitely do that.”_

_“Thank you.” I reached my hand out for her to shake, but she gives me a hug instead._

_“It will all work out. Medication can be tricky at times, especially in the beginning. Just keep sticking by her side.” She pulls back and smiles again. “I'll call you later.” She waves goodbye and I finish my cigarette before heading back to my gym, for work._

_  
Over those couple weeks, I had been very distracted. I put a lot of my focus on Clarke and in return, was not living up to my potential as a trainer or business owner. Not that I regret it in the least. But I had really been thinking, and had decided that it wasn't fair to Ontari. So, I talked with my dad and he gave me a few big names that would jump at the chance to take over and have her be their client. I just had to tell her. And that's what I did when I got back to the gym after attempting to see Clarke._

_“Lexa, I completely understand and I'm not mad.” Ontari told me, as she sat across from me in my office._

_“You're not?” Even though I knew it was the right thing for all parties, I still felt bad._

_“No.” She looks down at the list of contacts I had given her. “Although none of these names are Lexa Woods, I'll still be happy training with any of them. Just promise me that we can remain friends and still hang out.” She stands up and I do too._

_“Of course.” She reaches to give me a hug but my phone starts ringing with an unknown number, so I dodged it, but wasn't trying to be rude. “I'm sorry, I've been expecting a call about Clarke.” I answered it without thinking twice. “This is Lexa Woods.”_

_“Hey, it's Echo. I got someone who wants to talk to you real quick.”_

_“Clarke!” I don't have to tell you how desperate I sounded, do I? Didn't think so. Anyway…_

_Echo laughs on the other end and I forgot that Ontari had still been in my office. I mouth the words I'm sorry and try to walk to the door to get her to follow, which she does. I wave at her in farewell before shutting it._

_“You only have a minute or two.” Echo advises me. Didn't fucking care if I only had a second or two, as long as I got to hear her voice!_

_“That's fine. Thank you, Echo.”_

_“No problem. Here she is.”_

_Butterflies started to flutter in my stomach as I heard the phone being passed. “Lexa?” I heard Clarke say my name and even given the whole situation, I couldn't help but smile._

_“Hi, Love. Are you all right?” The smile was instantly wiped away with her response._

_“No.” I could hear her voice cracking and it broke me._

_“What happened?”_

_“I wouldn't take my meds and then they said they would be forced to give them to me and… I got angry because I don't want to take them anymore. They held me down and gave me a shot.” That was exactly the worst case scenario I had pictured earlier and wanted to slam my fist down again. But I didn't. Clarke's voice calmed me. “Echo talked to the doctors and we are going to try different medication.”_

_“That's great, Love. I'm sure the next ones will work much better, you’ll see. But I miss you, I'll be by the day after tomorrow.”_

_“Ok.” She said in a small voice. “I'm sorry.”_

_“It's ok, Love. Don’t worry. I love you.” I was biting my lip anxiously. God I just wanted to be with her._

_“I love you, Lexa. I think Echo has to go.”_

_Fuck! I just wanted five more minutes. “Ok. Rest up and call me as soon as you're able to. Alright? We're going to figure this out.”_

_“Ok.”_

_“In case I don't get to talk to you later tonight, I love you. And I hope you have good dreams. I'll be seeing you soon, Love.”_

_“I love you too. Goodnight.”_

_“Goodnight, Clarke.”_

_Once Clarke was off the phone, Echo gave me the rundown of what had happened and told me the doctor was going to switch up her meds to see if they would be better. The only downfall being she might have to stay a while longer to make sure they are working. That bit of information had stung, but above wanting Clarke back, I wanted her to feel better. So if it took a little while longer, than so be it. I would still show up every other day, and speak with her every night until she was able to come home._

_  
The next time I had went to see Clarke, the nurse warned me that she hadn't been getting out of bed since she had to be sedated, but they still allowed me to visit with her in her room. Basically, I just held her in her bed while she cried that day. She didn't want to talk, or read, or anything besides having me hold her. That was fine. I held on and kissed her countless times until it was time to go._

_Than two days later when I went to visit again, the nurses said she would get up to eat, and go to therapy but wouldn't participate in anything else. Again they let me visit with her in her room._

_She was laying down when I walked in, but wasn't asleep. Just was staring at the wall with a blank expression._

_“Hi, Love.” She didn't say anything back, and wouldn't really look at me. I thought I might know what had been coming._

_“One day, you're not going to look at me the same way anymore.” She says and I froze for only a second, before continuing on to her bedside._

_Kneeling down in front of her, I let my arms rest on the bed by her head, and laid my chin on them. “That's not true.”_

_“Yes it is. One of these times I'm going to break your heart for the last time. Then you're going to see me for what I really am. And you will hate me.” She brings one of her hands up to cover her eyes as small sobs escape her._

_“I could never, ever hate you, Clarke. Impossible.”_

_“I tried to… I tried to kill myself. I gave up, I'm weak, disgusting and heartless…”_

_I lift my head and reach to bring her hand away from her eyes. “You are none of those things, do you hear me Clarke?” I made sure she was looking me in the eyes. I needed her to know the truth. “You have an illness that wasn't being treated, and because of that, you were in an unbearable amount of pain.”_

_“You should just forget about me. I'm going to ruin your life and you're going to hate me and wish you never met me. I know it.”_

_Reaching my hand out, I wiped her tears and shook my head. “Lies. All lies. You are the absolute love of my life. You are my best friend.. the very best, that I have ever had.” She smiles at that, so I lean in to kiss her forehead before looking her in the eyes again. “My whole world is better having you in it. Why would I ever wish to forget you or have never met you in the first place. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Clarke.”_

_Clarke's eyes grew a little bit at my last statement, and I couldn't help but let a big smile spread over my face as I reached for her hand. She shakes her head no, but I'm able to pull us both up slowly, until I'm standing there with her in my arms._

_Let me just give you guys a little backstory real quick. So, sometimes when Clarke was sad, she did this. She believed I was better off without her, or that she was the worst thing to ever happen to me._

_Well, one morning I was getting a work out in before I opened. I had my music going over the sound system, when she had showed up. She tried telling me those things and as I was walking over to turn the music off, a certain song started playing. “You are the Best Thing” by Ray Lamontange._

_Well, I didn't stop the song. What I had done instead, was held my hand out for her to take, to which she did after a little persuading, and then we were slow dancing while I sang her the words. It had worked though and she felt better afterwards._

_And so at the hospital, I decided to try it again._

_“Baby…” I started off quiet as I began to sway with her in my embrace. “It's been a long day, baby. Things ain't been going my way, and now I need you here to clear my mind, all the time.”_

_I felt Clarke's arms tighten their hold on me and she put her head on my shoulder._

_“And baby, the way you move me. It's like you see right through me and make it easier. Believe me, you don't even have to try. Oh because, you are the best thing, you are the best thing that ever happened to me.”_

_Now I don't know if you've ever heard the song, but the dude has a raspy, folk sound to his voice. And I tried to make sure I sang it the same way. It made Clarke laugh and bring her head up so she could watch me sing the next part to her._

_“Baby. We've come along way. And baby, you know I hope and I pray that you believe me. When I say this love will never fade away, oh because, you are the best thing. You are the best thing, baby. Ever happened to me.” Her lips were on mine before I could continue._

_Our foreheads touch when she pulls back. We just stand there for a few moments, still swaying and sharing breaths._

_“I love you, Lexa.” Clarke finally says. “You're the best thing that ever happened to me too.” She kisses me again before putting her head back on my shoulder. We stayed like that until I had to leave, but Clarke did seem a little lighter and promised to call me that night._

_  
The new meds Clarke was put on, ended up being a lot better for her. There was still an adjustment period and a few side effects, but nothing like the other ones. And a couple weeks after starting them, she was able to finally go home._

_I had been the one to pick her up and after a lot of kissing and maybe a little bit of groping in the car, we were able to get ourselves under control enough to head to Clarke's house, where everyone waited._

_Aurora, Aden and Octavia were waiting for us with a few boxes of Clarke's favorite pizza. Clarke wedged herself on the couch between Octavia and I, wanting to be next to us both, which I couldn't deny her of course._

_After we ate, she went with Octavia into the bathroom so they could fix Clarke's hair. While she was at the hospital, she couldn't keep the color up, so it had grown out and faded almost back to her natural blonde._

_While they were in there, Aurora wanted to know what the plan was for Clarke's treatment and if she planned on following it. Clarke was supposed to take her pills daily, go talk to a therapist once a week and see a psychiatrist once a month. Clarke had promised me that she was going to go through with it and I believed her. I could tell she was being honest when we had talked about it._

_  
And you know what? Clarke did follow through with the treatment plan and the next couple months were amazing. Abby had come home and as far as I knew, she was sober… but we will get to more on that soon enough._

_But Clarke was happy, I was happy and there was only one thing left that I wanted._

_About a month before our one year anniversary, I asked Octavia to lunch. I told her about how I knew Clarke was the one for me and even though it wasn't legal in Michigan at that time, I was still thinking of proposing. Needless to say she was excited and approved, considering she basically screamed so loud I'm surprised they didn't ask us to leave the restaurant._

_I took her with me to the jewelry store and hand picked all the stones and setting for the engagement ring, to which Octavia said Clarke was going to fucking love it._

_I had it all planned out. I was going to throw an anniversary party, for our one year, out by the lake at my house and ask her privately at the party. And if she said yes, we were going to celebrate with all our friends. And if she said no, well I didn't know what I would do. Probably just tell her I was kidding!_

_  
About two weeks before the party, Clarke wanted to stay at my house every night and most of the days asked if she could stay there while I was at work, or come to work with me. She also would give me short answers whenever I had asked about things at the house and her mom, then would quickly change the subject._

_It's a strange feeling, reliving over and over again some of the most important times of your life. You see all the many signs you were so blind to, while it was happening in the moment. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it. I wish I had asked her about why she didn't want to be at home, but stupidly I just didn't think anything of it. I was so happy with life at the time. Clarke was always in a good mood while we were together. She was going to therapy and taking her meds. She appeared to be as happy as I was. If only I had dug a little deeper._

_While I write this part of the story, all I have wanted to do, was go back in time, punch myself in the face and say PAY ATTENTION DUMBASS! The signs were everywhere… I just couldn't see them._

_But let's fast forward a little bit, then you will eventually see what I mean._

_So, the day of the party I was anxious as fuck, obviously. I had the ring in my pocket the entire day and would pull it out whenever Clarke wasn't around to look at it. I could have afforded a bigger ring, but knowing my Love the way I did, I knew she wouldn't want that. I chose a square halo setting that had little diamonds going up the band and surrounded the bigger center diamond. To me, it was the perfect ring for Clarke. I was still fucking nervous as shit, though. Until I had actually seen her the first time that night, that is._

_One of her anniversary presents, was a new dress she had picked out for the night. When I saw that it was a white summer dress, I almost choked up. It painted the perfect picture of her being in another white dress and gave me all the confidence in the world._

_The only people that knew what I had planned on doing, were my parents and Octavia. I didn't want it getting out to Clarke, and ruin the surprise. I knew this would be the only thing Octavia would ever keep from her life long best friend and sister._

_We mingled with everyone for the first hour or so, and I tried to be social, but I couldn't take my eyes off Clarke. As you know, her laugh almost makes me feel high, and she was doing plenty of that as we walked around and talked with all of our friends. I knew I was making the right decision and that there was no one else on this earth, that I would rather spend my life with. She was it. Clarke Griffin will be the only love of my life, hands down._

_When finally I couldn't take it anymore, I apologized to Anya for having to steal Clarke. The two had grown especially close over the span of our relationship and Anya had been away for the last month. So once she arrived, instantly she was hogging Clarke, while they laughed and whispered to each other about me, most likely. No doubt each sharing stories that would make me burn beat red with embarrassment._

_  
“And where are we going?” Clarke asked, as she took my hand into both of hers as we walked._

_“I thought we could go out on the dock for a few minutes, it's where we were this time last year.” Octavia had been on dock patrol the whole night, chasing everyone who got close away. She knew that's where I was going to do it and made sure it remained open for us._

_Clarke brings our hands up so she can see my watch. “No, that's not right. I think at this time last year, we were already in the room, that holds your bed, with the window.” She has her teasing smile, bringing me right back to that moment one year ago._

_“Hey now. Cut me some slack. It was intimidating being around you. I mean, you did threaten me with a gun, the second time we met.” I tell her once we make it to the end of the dock._

_Clarke drops my hands and puts her own to her hips. “Excuse you. I did not threaten, I informed you of my guns because you were acting like a serial killer.” I couldn't stop the loud laugh from coming out, and Clarke smiles big before kissing me._

_“You know, I've never actually seen your gun.” I raised my eyebrow. “Was that a lie?”_

_She shakes her head no, before leaning in like she was going to kiss me, but stops just shy of my lips. “I actually have it on me right now.” She whispers._

_I know she's kidding, but it still makes me swallow hard, before pulling her flush against me by the small of her back. “Oh really?”_

_She gives me an innocent look before nodding. “Don't believe me?” She gives me the smallest kiss before pulling back again. “Check for yourself.”_

_In that instant, I almost forgot about the big group of people partying behind us. I almost forgot about the ring, waiting patiently to find it's home on her finger. I wanted to rip that little white dress off of her and worship her gorgeous body, under the light of the bright moon. But I couldn't. And not just because of all the guests. There was something else I wanted first._

_Clarke kisses me again after she saw the war brewing in my eyes. “I'm just kidding Lexa.” She raises her eyebrows up and down. “You can look for it later.”_

_She goes to pull back, probably to sit down, but I hold her close. “Wait…” I bring my hand up, running two of my finger tips over her eyebrow and along her jaw. “Clarke, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met.” Her eyes water but the smile she gave was real. “This past year has been more than I could ever hope for.” Clarke looks down and I know what she is thinking about. “I know that it hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't take any of it back.”_

_“Are you sure about that?”_

_“I'm positive. I've never been happier, and that's because of you. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have you by my side, for the rest of my life. When I think about the future, it's not the gym I'm thinking about, or my writing. It's you. Once we buy that loft will we stay there forever? Will we move to another city? I wonder if we will have kids and how many? I think about how many new countries we can knock off our travel wish list, over the next ten years. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not sure what will happen in the future, besides knowing that it won't be right, unless it's spent with you…” I let my hold on her go before I reached in my pocket._

_She brings both hands up to cover her mouth and makes a sound of surprise, when I started to get down on one knee, holding up the little black box._

_“I don’t want you to ever question the love and devotion I have for you. I know exactly who you are and I wouldn't dream of changing even the slightest thing about you. I don't care if it's tomorrow, next month or five years from now…” She closes her eyes, crying tears of happiness. “Clarke?” She opens them looking me right in the eye, and I open the box. “Will you marry me?”_

 

 

 

 


	18. I wish... I wish... I wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait I got caught up a bit. I hope you guys like the chapter and as always, thank you for sticking with me.
> 
> Much love

_Chapter 12 – I’m Sorry_

_  
“How long is forever? Sometimes, just one second.”_

_Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland_

_As I was kneeling in front of Clarke, I watched as a flood of different emotions passed through her eyes. I remember thinking… say yes, Clarke. But she remains quiet and kneels down in front of me, so we were eye level._

_I let my hands fall into my lap, still holding the open box, as my heart sped up to what this meant. Clarke doesn't look at the ring though, she keeps her eyes on mine, after she wipes her tears. “Are you sure?” She whispers, after drawing my forehead to hers._

_Never once, in our entire relationship, had I ever questioned the love Clarke had for me. I knew, that as much as I loved her, she loved me just the same. So, any objection she was going to have, was going to be for my benefit. “You and me, Clarke… we belong together. There's nothing I have ever been more sure of.” I reach for her left hand, and put it over my heart. “This is and always will be yours, I promise you.” I pull back and watched the smile spread over Clarke's face. It told me her answer, but I still wanted to hear the words. “Say yes, Clarke.”_

_A spark of defiance ignites in her eyes at the command, and I wondered how she was going to play it. “Yes.” She says softly, after only a second of deliberation. “Yes!” Clarke repeats louder and then attacks my lips, throwing her entire weight into the kiss. It knocks us both back and I just have enough time to close the ring box, not wanting it to fly out. “Yes…” She repeats multiple times, in between small pecks to my lips._

_I reach up and grab the back of her head, keeping her lips on mine, once I felt that tongue of hers slip into my mouth. Clarke's kiss, will forever be my favorite flavor._

_“Does that mean she said yes!” I hear Octavia call out, now on the dock and running towards us._

_Clarke was laying on top of me, but pulls her head up, taking her lips and tongue with her, when she hears her best friend. Clarke pushes herself off me and stands up, smoothing her dress and hair in the cutest fashion. I'm still laying on my back when Octavia reaches us and collides with Clarke._

_“Let me see! Let me see!” Octavia grabs Clarke's hand and snaps her head in my direction, when she doesn't see the ring. “How? We went over this how many times?” She starts counting on her fingers. “Get her alone. Try to tone down the awkwardness long enough to ask her the question. Then, put the ring on her finger!”_

_“Octavia…” I say while getting to my feet, but couldn't continue because Clarke rushed me again and jumped into my arms for another kiss. When I put Clarke back down, my breath was stolen from the look that was on her face. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her. And trust me when I tell you, there isn't a word in any of the languages that I know, that come close to describing how happy that made me. “I love you, Clarke.” I whispered this to her before kissing the side of her smiling mouth and opened up the box again._

_Her hands went to her mouth and her teary eyes got wide, as she finally took a good look at the ring. “Lexa…” And that's when I knew I had gotten it exactly right. I reached for her left hand and slid the ring on her finger, before kissing the spot I was hoping it would reside forever._

_Clarke wanted to stare at the ring, but she also wanted to kiss me again. I couldn't keep the grin back, as I watched her look between the ring and my lips. Eventually, my lips won out over the sparkling stones, but Octavia snatched her hand up, to stare while we kissed._

_“It's so perfect. Look at the way it shines.” Octavia makes a high pitched squeal that Clarke returns, against my mouth. It's then that I decide to let Clarke have this moment with Octavia, and with a small laugh, I pull back._

 

_As they hug and jump around, I sense a few people behind me and turn to see my two cousins and Aden, who was scowling at me._

_“Did you just…?” Anya asks._

_“Yes she did!” Lincoln says, coming up and throwing an arm around my shoulder, shaking me like a rag doll. “Congratulations kid! We thought you were gonna chicken out.” He laughs and pushes me over to Anya so she could hug me._

_“Wait chicken out? You knew?” I turned quickly to my accomplice. Octavia had sworn herself to secrecy._

_Anya and Lincoln both laugh. “Everyone but Aden and Clarke knew.”_

_I look back to a still scowling Aden. “I'm not worried. This changes shit.” He says, in reference to his declaration that Clarke would be his first wife. I laughed, then went to ruffle his hair. And since Aden had been a student of mine at that point for just under a year, he was able to dodge it, easily. And I would have let him off easy if the little fucker didn't give me the smirk that he had._

_He wasn't so quick the second time, as I snatched him up and with one motion, threw him off the dock and into the lake. Don't worry though, the kid hadn't been drinking, not with my mom around. Plus, even if something still happened, my parents forced Anya, Lincoln and I, to take lifeguard certification classes when we were teenagers. He was safe._

_“Lexa!” I heard my new fiancé call out. Yep. Forgot about her little soft spot for the twerp. “Help him, he's in his good clothes.” Which was true. Everyone was. Octavia said it would make for great pictures, and forced me to make the party have a fancier than normal dress code. Since this was said in front of my mother, who loved the idea and immediately hired a photographer, I had been forced to oblige. So yes, everyone was dressed up. And you know, I should have seen it coming, because Clarke isn't one to be so concerned with things like your good clothes getting wet._

_As I bent down to give Aden a hand up, I felt him try to pull me in and Clarke try to push at the same time. I admit, I was caught off by the sudden betrayal of my bride to be. And so, they were able to over power me, and I went right into the lake. But with the laughter I heard billowing out of Clarke's mouth… I wish I could go back and have them do it again… and again… and again._

_“Congrats Lex!” Aden says and tried to dunk me, but I was too quick and got him underwater instead._

_“Oh hell yea!” Lincoln had screamed before he backflips into the lake, splashing the three girls left on the dock._

_“Lincoln!” Octavia hides behind a doubled over Clarke. “We haven't even taken pictures yet!” I looked over to the shoreline and saw the photographer snapping photos._

_“There will be plenty of good pictures!” I called out, while Clarke smirked mischievously. She had noticed the photographer too before turning to grab her best friend in a hug and then jumps into the lake, without letting go._

_“Clarke!” Octavia screams once they come up for air. She's laughing and so was my Love. Clarke kisses Octavia's cheek before swimming over to me._

_She wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck, before pulling me into a kiss. “You really want to marry me?” She asks, resting her forehead against mine. Her left hand was cupping my cheek and I saw the flash from several cameras come from the shore._

_I nod and kiss her back, while swimming us out a little ways towards the ladder of the dock, for some privacy. “I want you to be my wife, Clarke. And I want to be yours. I want to live exactly like this, for the rest of our lives.”_

_“Really?” It's asked in her small and vulnerable voice._

_“Truly. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.” Clarke checks my eyes, always searching for the lie that she will never find._

_Then she shakes her head slowly, before placing the smallest of kisses to my lips. “It would make me…” she points to her chest. “… the happiest girl in the world.”_

_I smiled and pretended to think on it. “We'll call it a tie.”_

_Clarke nods, her eyes never leaving my lips before kissing me again, a little harder this time. When she pulls back she's all smiles but I notice a little chatter to her jaw and that her lips had an almost blue tint to them._

_“Are you cold, Love?” I reach for the ladder and pull us so she can sit on the lower rungs, but still be submerged. She nods her head. “Do you want to get out.”_

_She nods again and then moves her lips to my ear. “Yes, but I can't. I'm in a thin, white cotton dress and no underwear.”_

_The delicious visual makes me take in a sharp breath, which contained a little bit of lake water with it and well, you guessed it… I choked._

_“Lexa…” Clarke laughs, while pulling me up on the ladder with her. She rubs my back until my breathing returns to normal. “What am I going to do with you?” She says, holding and kissing both my cheeks when she feels it's safe enough._

_My brows furrowed as I looked at her. “I don't know, but I think that I may have swallowed a fish.”_

_Clarke tips her head back and laughs so loud, it carries far out into the lake, and if she wasn't holding me tight, I might have chased after the sound. “No you didn't.” She's finally able to get out before kissing me again. The kiss lasts for a few seconds longer until I feel her shiver._

_“Wait here, Love.” My mom kept a trunk of towels on the dock, so I pulled myself up the ladder to go get two of them for us._

_After I grab them, Clarke climbs up and out of the water and I wrap one around her, running my hands up and down her arms to help her get warm. “Thank you.” She tells me, with another kiss._

_“Wanna go get changed?” I asked, in a low voice to go along with the squeeze I had just given her ass. Clarke bites her lip in response, so we start heading back to the barn._

_Octavia wasn't having it though. “Oh no you don't!” She screams out from the ladder._

_“Uh, were just going to go change our clothes Octavia. We'll only be a minute.” I told her._

_She scoffs. “I know what will happen if you two go to the barn.” She eyes me as she gets next to us. I can see her shiver too and hand her my own towel. “Thank you.” She says before shaking her head. “But you're still not taking her. We won't see you guys for the rest of the night.” She then links her arm with Clarke and starts leading her back._

_Clarke sends me an apologetic smile, but also a look that tells me not to worry. That we would have plenty of fun later on._

 

 

_Once we were both changed and dried, everyone congratulated us and we spent the rest of the night partying and dancing with all our friends. Clarke and I stayed hand in hand almost the whole night, until Anya and Lincoln stole me away for a cousins shot._

_Lincoln pulled out a fifth of Tullamore DEW, my grandpops favorite Irish whiskey. He poured us each a double, and raised his drink to me._

_“I've been rooting for you guys.” He says it like he wants me to remember that before he continues. “I fucking love Clarke…” My entire body tenses up, readying to strike after what I assume will be a verbal assault against Clarke and therefore me._

_“Tread lightly, cousin.” Anya comes to my defense. Then we both clink our shots together before shooting them back and returning our gaze to Lincoln._

_He stood there with his mouth open looking at our empty glasses. “What the fuck?” He shoots his back. “I was just going to say, that I love Clarke but if she helps to fuel ideas of Octavia getting married anytime soon…” Anya scoffs before punching Lincoln in the chest. “Ouch Any! Not with your rings!”_

_“Oh shut up and pour us another shot, so I can do this right.” He does, so Anya can take over. “You guys have been through a lot, but came out if it stronger and even more in love. That wouldn't happen with a lot of couples. I'm really happy for you Lex, Clarke is a great girl. She's going to make a perfect addition to this family.”_

_“Thank you, Any.” We throw our drinks back and I let my eyes search for Clarke's. “I think so too.” I tell them when I realized she was dancing and was waiting for me to join her. “But I gotta go.” I handed my glass to one of them, I'm not sure which because I hadn't taken my eyes of my new fiancé._

_Clarke had been dancing with Octavia and Aden. They both had given me the same glare, knowing I was about to steal her away. And I did, leading her a few feet away so that I could dance with her._

_“Hi.” She says, wrapping her arms around my neck._

_“Hi, back.” I say, giving her a soft kiss as we slowly swayed to the song that was playing._

_“How much whiskey did they give you?” She raises an eyebrow. “I'm going to need you to bring you’re ‘A’ game tonight, Lexa.”_

_It was a hidden challenge and all I could do was swallow hard, so I didn't moan. “Ok, we're going to make a break for the barn at the next song change.” She nods and makes a small squeal in excitement. It takes less than a minute and our eyes never left each others while we waited. “Ready?” She nods. “Go!”_

_Clarke grabs my hand and takes off leading us towards the barn and the second we get the door closed, she's got me thrown against it._

_“Damn Clarke.” We hear Octavia say from the couch._

_“The fu… how did you get in here so fast?” I asked, not letting my grip up on Clarke's hips._

_“I knew you would heading here next. But that's not the point.” She gets up from the couch and is holding a large stack of magazines in her arms. “We got a wedding to plan.”_

_“Now?” Clarke and I both said in the same desperate whine._

_She gives us both a smile, that tells me she's about to get her way. “Yes, because I hardly see you anymore. So, now would be the perfect time. Unless you want to set some time aside tomorrow?”_

_“Tomorrow! You got it!” Clarke pulls me harshly away from the door so she can open it. “I'm all yours. Now I love you, but get the fuck out.”_

_Octavia laughs, salutes me and then leaves. The second the door closes again, Clarke pounces._

 

_Clarke wasn't joking about me bringing my ‘A’ game. After our first round, everyone had to leave, because well, Clarke has just never been one to keep quiet. And after the… you know what, I'm not even sure what round it was because I lost track, but Clarke volunteered to go get us Gatorade from the fridge._

_“Lexa?” She called from the bottom of the stairs._

_“Hmmm?” I asked from the bed, in a state of pure bliss._

_“I don't think my legs will let me climb back up.”_

_I laughed, climbed out of bed, and went to go stand at the top of the stairs. “Ok, can you just throw me the Gatorade then?” Her mouth dropped so fast, I couldn't help laugh as I made my way slowly down to her._

_When I reached for the drink she pulled it away quickly. “You were just going to leave me stranded down here, all alone?”_

_I shook my head no, while I got close enough to kiss her cheek and jaw. “Not at all Love. I would need to come down sooner or later for food and…” She's quick to bring the cold bottle back around and against my bare stomach, making me jump back in the process. I went to go up the stairs, knowing she wouldn't be able to catch me, but my leg trembled at the first step._

_When I turned back around Clarke had a grin spread across her lips. “You can't get back up either, can you?”_

_“No, I can. But I was just thinking… that maybe it would be more fun to stay down here, and watch a movie.”_

_“Oh.” She laughs and hands me the Gatorade. “Is that so?” I just nodded and walked over to the couch, not willing to admit defeat._

_We settled into the couch, picking the first B horror movie we could find on Netflix. And it took Clarke all of five minutes into the movie before I felt her ass grinding up against my center. It's what I got for asking her to be the little spoon. But, we hadn't gotten dressed yet, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before she found out how wet I was getting just from having her rock against me. So, I decided to take control of the situation._

_I laid flat on my back and pulled Clarke with me, so her back was still to my front and her ass was still putting that perfect pressure on my center. My hips gave a small thrust at the exact same time I slipped two of my fingers into Clarke's open mouth. She shut it immediately, sucking, then started swirling her tongue around them, causing another involuntary jerk of my hips. I pulled my fingers out slowly and put them between her legs, teasing her clit first, so I could hear those delicious sounds she made when I did. Her head was laying off my shoulder but she leans up to find my ear, nipping it with her teeth to get my attention. Which she did, and when I turned my head towards hers, I was met with her lips._

_Grinding her ass into me, she moans into my mouth, spurring me on. When my fingers dip further down and in her, one of her hands shoot to my wrist to hold it there, and the other to grab my free hand bringing it to one of her breasts. She loved when I would pinch and tease her perk nipples and fuck, did I love it too._

_Then, with my hand trapped, she thrusted her hips hard, as she rode my fingers and I felt my peak drawing close from the force and rhythm of her ass against me. I knew she wasn't far behind either from the way she started to flutter around me, as she bucked against my hand. It only took the sound of her moaning my name to send me toppling over the edge with her. Clarke's hips slowed, as we both came down from our high and I needed to kiss her again, even though my lips were so numb, I couldn't feel hers against them._

_“Mmm.” She hummed and released her grip. I slowly pulled my fingers out of her and she turned herself back around in my arms, where she settled quickly. “Perfect ending to a perfect night._

_“So, my game was on point then?” She laughed against my chest._

_“Eh?” My jaw dropped, and I could feel shake with with more laughter. “I'm just kidding. I think I'll keep you around.”_

 

_Waking up the next morning, the first thing I saw was Clarke's ring shining bright in the sun, as her hand rested on my chest. I couldn't stop the goofy grin from spreading across my face and heard a small giggle come from Clarke. I look to her face and saw her eyes were already open and on mine. She had caught me._

_“Good morning.” She whispers before crawling up further on me to give me a kiss._

_“Good morning, Love.” I replied, while hugging her body as close to mine as possible._

_“So this is what every morning is going to look like, for the rest of our lives?” She's on her elbow, looking down at me._

_“Every morning?” I groaned and her eyebrows shoot up in question._

_“Excuse you?” She asks before bringing one her hands to the ticklish spot above my knee, lightning fast and squeezed repeatedly._

_I tried to hold out for as long as I could... which only turned out to be about two point four seconds. Hey, don't judge me ok? She'd perfected the attack very early on and I was powerless to it. “Ah! Clarke, no! That's not what I meant!”_

_“No?” She asks but doesn't let up._

_“No!” My abs were burning from the laughter. Tears were also streaming down my face at that point, and it's then, that she finally takes pity on me._

_“What did you mean?” She asks, after letting up her grip._

_“I just meant…” I raised my self up a little bit and reached behind me, pulling out the Xbox controller I had been laying on all night. “… maybe some mornings we could wake up in bed.”_

_“Oh no.” Clarke had said, taking the controller from me and putting in on the coffee table. “You were laying on it all night?”_

_I nodded innocently. “So…then I guess you're sorry for tickling me when I didn't deserve it?”_

_She looks up and taps her chin while she thinks it over. “Nope.” Then she bends down to give me a quick peck before getting up and off me._

_“What? Really?” I ask, before getting up as well._

_“Really. And do you know why?” She turns around with her hands on her still naked hips. I tried to not let that distract me though, because I wanted to know what I had done. I failed, obviously, but I tried. No, no I didn't actually. But! we can pretend._

_Instead, I couldn't help but walk straight up and pull her into a searing kiss. I just couldn't resist. I was so in love with her and so happy with our new engagement. I just had to. “How much time do we have before you have to go with Octavia?” I asked, while leading her to the bathroom. “Enough time for a shower?” Clarke's eyes darkened immediately before she finished leading the way, without another word._

 

_So after our amazing shower, Octavia had called and said she was on her way to come get Clarke and was dropping Lincoln off so him and I could hang out a bit. My parents had stopped us as Clarke was about to leave and asked us if they could take us, Abby and Aurora out for brunch the next morning to celebrate. I noticed a little hesitation and discomfort from Clarke, but I attributed that to my parents offer to pay. Clarke hated when others paid for her but I took the initiative and agreed for us._

_When Octavia got to our house, I kissed Clarke goodbye enough times to make Lincoln and Octavia gag. I told her that I would see her soon and to have fun. Looking back, I wish, I wish, I wish… that I would have just asked her to stay. Or asked Octavia if they wanted to stay at the barn, and that Lincoln and I would just go out. But I didn't. I had no idea of what was to come. And because I wasn't there, this next part of the story, friends, consists of what I was able to piece together from Aden, Aurora and Octavia._

 

_  
“What about a destination wedding!” Octavia asked Clarke, as they sat at their kitchen table. They were looking over a bunch of wedding magazines, cutting out different styles of dresses and themes. “Like Costa Rica! How fun would that be?”_

_“Or Jamaica!” Aden called from their bedroom where he was playing the Xbox I had gotten him for his birthday._

_“Shut up Aden, just because weed is legal there, doesn't mean that's where she wants to get married!” Octavia called out._

_Clarke had shaken her head back and forth. “I don't want to go somewhere. Do you know how expensive…”_

_Octavia scoffed. “Clarke… you're marrying into the Woods family. You're gonna have to get over this money thing. Indra and Gus are gonna want to give you guys the best wedding imaginable.”_

_“Honestly, O, I wouldn't mind if Lexa and I just went to the court house to do it and had a small party afterwards.”_

_“I know, but come on! You're only going to get married once. You know, unless you finally take those goggles off and see how awkward Lexa truly is.”_

_Aden laughed, hearing the dis and agreed. Clarke had also smiled before playfully slapping her best friend in the arm. Before they could continue on with the conversation, Abby stumbled through the front door of the house, with Aurora right behind her._

_The two girls were both quiet as they watched Abby make her way to the couch. “What are you looking at?” She asked Clarke, after she fell onto the piece of furniture._

_Clarke didn't say anything and tried to distract herself by flipping through the magazine in front of her. Aden had heard Abby, and decided to leave the bedroom and went to go sit with the girls. He kissed Clarke's cheek before sitting down next to her. Aurora went to the kitchen and got a glass of water to give to Abby. “Drink this.” She told her, impatiently. Abby wouldn't take the glass, so Aurora slammed it on the coffee table in front of her, before going to the table with the kids._

_“You ok?” She whispered to Clarke, who nodded with a sad smile. She caressed her cheek before moving on to Aden. “Baby boy.” She kissed his head, then moved to Octavia doing the same thing. “You got class tonight baby girl?” Octavia hadn't planned on taking classes that summer, but when everything happened with Clarke, she had to drop a few of them. So she she had to play catch up. I know Clarke felt terrible about it, no matter how many times Octavia told her it was nothing._

_Octavia ignored her mother's question and motioned to the magazines on the table. Aurora’s eyes went wide once she saw what they were. “Let me see it!” She said once her attention went back to Clarke._

_Clarke had a huge smile on her face as she held out her hand, to show off the engagement ring. “Isn't it beautiful?”_

_“What's beautiful?” Abby asked and everyone was silent again, waiting for Clarke to answer if she wanted._

_“It's perfect and just as beautiful as you are, baby.” Aurora said, sensing Clarke's hesitation while also taking Clarke up into a hug. “Congratulations, I'm so happy for you guys.”_

_“Congratulations on what?” Abby asked before attempting to get up and off the couch. It took her three tries and on the third, she fell onto the table knocking the glass of water everywhere._

_Clarke sighed and went to get up to go clean the water but Aurora held her down by her shoulder. “I got it.” She whispered before giving her shoulder a little squeeze._

_“So, you just going to ignore me? Act like I'm not fucking here?” Abby tried to get into the kitchen, but Aurora stopped her._

_“Sleep it off, Abby. Then you can talk.” Aurora reaches for Abby's arm, but she was able to surprisingly pull it away quickly._

_“No.” Everyone could see Abby had fire in her eyes, and was ready for a fight. “I want to talk to my daughter. I haven't seen her in weeks.”_

_“Then maybe sober it up.” Octavia advised, snidely._

_“What are they congratulating you for?” Abby pushed Aurora aside so she could look at Clarke._

_“I'm getting married.” Clarke finally said while getting up. “Lexa proposed to me last night.”_

_Abby was shocked into silence and took a few clumsy steps back. Aurora looked at her best friend, waiting for her to reply, when she didn't, she took her second daughter into her arms again. “I want to hear everything.” She kissed Clarke's cheek. “Every little detail!”_

_Before Clarke could tell the story, Abby started laughing, turning the focus onto her, like she obviously wanted. “Wow.” She laughs again, bewildered. “For someone who says she's miserable with her life, and can't go on…” She laughs again. “If only your father could see his precious baby girl, now. Your dad would love, how against all odds, you're getting up and off the block, just like he wanted.”_

_“Abby, enough!” Aurora warned._

_“No, I want to congratulate my daughter!” Abby was swaying as she talked in her angry and slurred speech. “You did it Clarke! You're leaving all of this behind. You're gonna go live the good life, now. And all it took was you spreading your legs for the right rich person. You're living the real life version of Pretty Woman, aren't you? You know, if Julia Roberts was a selfish, suicidal, little bitch.”_

_The air had been sucked out of the room, due to everyone taking in a sharp breath from the abusive statement and tone. No one could find their words in order to respond. Aurora reached out to grab Clarke, as if she could shield her from her mother's words._

_“That's it Ro, keep tiptoeing around her. You keep playing into the game she wants. The woe is Clarke, the poor martyr.” Abby then turns her glassy eyes on Clarke. “When your officially part of saint Indra’s perfect family, what will be your excuse the next time you slice up your arms or down a bottle of pills? Huh? Because you know it's just a matter of time and you can't use me as an…” Abby was cut off when one of Aurora’s open palms connected with her face. Aden had said the sound of the slap echoed throughout the entire house and the force had knocked Abby on her ass._

_“If you say one more word, so help me god, I'll throw your ass on the street so fucking fast, like I should have done years ago!” Then Aurora bent down and lifted Abby to her feet. “You fucking stupid drunk...” Abby hadn't moved fast enough for Aurora’s liking, so she pushed her. “… she's your fucking daughter.” Aurora pushed Abby into her room, shut the door behind her, where she continued telling Abby what she thought of her and how she had one last chance._

_Clarke brought her hands up to her face, trying to fight off and hide her tears. “Don't listen to her, she's drunk.” Aden had said, while Octavia rushed to take Clarke up into her arms. Clarke let her comfort her for only a second and then pushed her away._

_“Please don't tell Lexa about this.” Clarke asked them, while wiping her tears. “Please?” Aden and Octavia looked at each other before nodding._

_“We won't, but you know she’d want to know so she could help.” Aden told her._

_Clarke shook her head. “She can't help. Plus she is so happy, things are going good with us and after what I already put her through...” Her chin fell to her chest. “Put everyone through. Then mom and pops, they spent all that money for… I just…” Raising her head, she took in a breath that made her lip quiver before she set it. “Please just keep quiet?”_

_Aurora walked back out of the room and went up to the three of them. “I'm so sorry, baby.”_

_Clarke's eyes started to water but she shook the tears away before letting out a tired laugh. “It not like she's wrong.”_

_“Clarke…” Octavia started._

_But Clarke was done. “The Woods invited you and mom to Mac and Rays for brunch to celebrate tomorrow. I don't want to be around her, or her around them, so I'm gonna tell them mom is sick, but will you still come?” She asked Aurora, none of them knowing Abby had heard it all from the bedroom._

_“Of course.” Aurora went to go hug Clarke, but she side stepped her._

_“I'm gonna head back to Lexa's.”_

_“I can take you.” Octavia told her but Clarke shook her head no._

_“I think I'm just gonna take the bus. Can we rain check the planning?” Clarke picked her bag up off the couch before giving a kiss goodbye to everyone._

 

_I don't know where Clarke had went for the rest of that day though, because she hadn't come back until after dark. But hearing what time she had left, when I was told about the events of that day, there was a good four or five hours missing from the time she left them. She had told me that night she had been at her house the whole time. I had no reason to suspect otherwise because at that time, I had no idea what had been happening to her with Abby. And it fucking kills me. It kills me, to know that she had to hear those awful things from her own mother. She was in pain and felt that she had to hide it from me. Why was I so blind, so naïve, so wrapped up in everything I was feeling, to not see it?_

_I should have seen it… but, I didn't._

_So, yea. Anyway, Clarke did end up coming home that night. We did our normal routine and read before bed. It was a copy of Romeo and Juliet she had just gotten me for my birthday a couple weeks prior. I had thought everything was good. The next morning though, I would learn the truth._

 

_“Lexa…” I was woken up by the whispering of my name. I smiled like always before her soft lips found their way to my neck. “Lexa, I know you're awake.”_

_“Hmmm?” I said still not opening my eyes. Thinking back on it now, I wish I would have. I wish I would have gotten up earlier, or stayed up all night. Or really, not even getting up at all. We should have stayed in bed that day. Why couldn't we have stayed there? If I had known, that this would be the last time I would hear Clarke's playful morning voice... the last time I would see her sleepy eyes and messy morning hair... I never would have let her leave that bed. We were safe there. And I would give all that I have, to go back to that morning and change something. Anything. If I had, maybe it would have been different? Or no matter what I changed about that day, would I still just have been prolonging the inevitable?_

_“Wake up sleepyhead.” She told me while planting more of those sweet kisses all across my face._

_“Ok, ok. I'm up.” I told her, this time keeping my eyes closed tight on purpose while also pretending to snore._

_“Lexa!” Her laughs ghosted against my cheek before her lips stole their place. “We have to get ready for brunch.” She whispered, then gave my cheek the sloppiest sounding raspberry I had ever heard. There was no pretending to sleep after that._

_I busted out laughing before flipping us around so I was on top of her. I wiped my cheek with my shoulder as I looked down at her. “Did you just…?” She was laughing and trying to wiggle herself free from underneath me._

_“I had to. You wouldn't get up!”_

_“Mhmm. Excuses.” I said pushing up her tshirt, exposing the sensitive skin of her stomach._

_“Lexa no!” She called out as soon as I lowered my head, to get her back. She tried to push my head away as I took in a deep breath and gave her just as sloppy of a raspberry. Before I could get her again though, she was able to wiggle free of my hold, and rolled off the side of the bed. I went to grab her but she slapped my hands away. “No! We're even.” It was said in her stern voice but her smile gave her away._

_“Ok fine. Truce.” I held out my hand for her to shake to which she eyed wearily, before grabbing it. As soon as she did I pulled her back onto the bed, but didn't torture her more. Instead I pulled her back on top of me and kissed her softly. “I love you, Clarke.”_

_“I love you, too.” She was all smiles as she rolled to my side and reached for my phone, that was on the night stand. She pulled up the camera and kissed my cheek before telling me to smile. I listened but was shocked. Clarke never liked her picture being taken, which I never understood. Clarke was so beautiful, and if I had it my way, I would have had an uncountable amount of photos of her... I mean, the perfect amount to not be creepy. So, when she wanted to take the picture, I was surprised, but happy nonetheless. Especially with what was soon about to transpire._

_“I want to remember this moment forever.” She told me, as if to explain herself._

_“I won't let you forget it, Love.” I told her with another kiss._

_  
We ended up getting out of bed shortly after that to get ready. I was ready first and was waiting at the island for Clarke to finish up, eating a quick bowl of cereal before we had to leave._

_She laughed as soon as she saw me. “We're literally leaving to go to breakfast. Why are you eating?”_

_I shook my head as I put the bowl in the sink. “No we're leaving to go to brunch, not breakfast.”_

_“Same thing.”_

_I shook my head again as we walked out the door. “Nope. Brunch is lunch, but with breakfast food. And you know we don't skip breakfast in the Woods family.” My parents offered to drive us so we just walked hand in hand over to the main house. When we walked into the kitchen, my point had been made._

_My dad was standing at the sink, tipping his own cereal bowl back to drink the remaining milk in it. “Ah.” He said wiping his mouth. “You guys ready for brunch?”_

_My mom rolled her eyes as she walked over to us. She stopped to let me kiss her cheek, before she made her way to Clarke. “You learn to deal with them.” She told Clarke knowingly._

_“Do you, really?” Clarke joked and my mom laughed._

_“Yes. You realize the good far out weighs the bad and annoying.” My mom replied causing my dad and I to scoff, before looking at each other, then eventually nodding in agreement._

 

_  
Clarke ended up telling us that her mom wouldn't be joining us, stating she was sick. I know the real reason now, but at that time, again, I had no reason to doubt her._

_Aurora was waiting at our reserved table when we arrived. The restaurant sat on the other side of Lake Saint Clair and my parents made sure to reserve the room with the best view. There was a fresh fruit and omelette bar and they were cutting prime rib for us as we were being seated. My dad and I were staring at the freshly sliced meat, getting ready to book it over to the chef as soon as the opportunity presented itself._

_Clarke slapped my stomach to get my attention. “Hmm?” I said, dragging my eyes to hers. It's then that I noticed Aurora was speaking. She laughed before repeating herself._

_“I'm sorry Abby couldn't make it, but I pass on her congratulations. We couldn't be happier for you two.”_

_And with those words, the food had been forgotten. I smiled as big as I could and reached for Clarke's hand. “Thank you.” I told Aurora before leaning in to kiss Clarke._

_We ordered our drinks and eventually my mom and Clarke took pity on my dad and I, letting us go get our food. I already had two plates and Clarke helped me carry the third back to the table. We all laughed and talked about the wedding while eating our delicious variety of food. It was going great. It really was. Until an unexpected guest arrived, that is. My mom had spotted her first._

_“Abby!” She said making Clarke's head shoot up. “So glad you could make it!” My mom, dad and I all stood up as she made her way over. She had been stumbling a bit and was carrying what looked like a grocery bag full of mail. “Let me have them set a place for you.” My mom signaled for the manager._

_“Why thank you Indra. I actually wasn't formally invited, so I won't be staying long.” Her speech was a little slurred and I Iooked to Clarke, noticing her eyes were wide with fear. Abby threw the grocery bag onto Clarke's half eaten plate. “Congratulations on the engagement.”_

_“Abby…” Aurora started but was stopped when Abby raised a shaky hand to her._

_“Shut up, Aurora.” Then she turned to me. “Since you will be taking Clarke off my hands, I thought I would bring you all her medical bills, since I will no longer be responsible for them. It looks like you already started paying on the last one, since it went from fifty grand, down to ten.”_

_I could feel the blush start to creep up my neck as Clarke's eyes bore into me. My anger started to turn into shame. I still had some of my inheritance left and used a portion to pay off the hospital bills but hadn't told her yet. I was going to but I didn't find the perfect moment, and I wish I would have._

_Abby's next statement brought my anger right back to the forefront though. “But there is also the rest from the last time she sliced herself up. A little advice, maybe take out a hefty life insurance policy for when she succeeds in killing herself.”_

_My dad’s fist came down hard on the table, causing Clarke to jump and her tears that she was trying to hold back finally started to fall. Aurora was up instantly and started pulling Abby away._

_“What is wrong with you?” Aurora asked through gritted teeth as she pulled her friend away. Abby slipped her arm from her grasp turning back around to us._

_“Get a good look at what she will turn you into, Lexa.” Abby was pointing at herself. She let's out a small sob. “What will happen to you, when she selfishly leaves you to live alone in this fucking world, without her.” Aurora got another good grip and pulled Abby away from the table with the help of the manager._

_Clarke got up and ran towards the bathrooms, without even looking at us. “Clarke…” I called after her and then looked to my parents to see if they could help me understand what happened and what I should do. I wanted to go after Clarke of course, but because of my anger, I also wanted to go after Abby._

_My dad was stiff with tension he desperately needed to release, and my mom just simply nodded towards the direction Clarke went, telling me where I needed to be. I spared one more glance towards where Abby had went, before going after Clarke._

_After checking all the stalls in the bathroom, I couldn't find Clarke anywhere. I remembered seeing a side exit, so I ran through the restaurant, back to where it was and then out it. I ended up running all around the building and to the parking lot before I had found her. She was driving away with Abby and Aurora. I could see her cotton candy colored hair in the front seat of Octavia’s car, as they were turning out. Her face was in her hands, and I started to sprint after them, to no avail. They were speeding away at a speed I would never be able to catch up with._

_Clarke wouldn't answer her phone, so I tried Octavia to tell her what happened, while I smoked a cigarette outside the restaurant, but she ignored my call. Aden was next on my list, but he sent me to voicemail as well. My parents found me waiting by their car, about two seconds away from losing my fucking shit. I felt my dad move behind me and he rubbed my shoulders for a few seconds to bring me back down. “She left with her mom and Aurora.” I told them. “I can't get anyone to answer their phones.”_

_“Give her a little bit, kid.” My dad said. “We’ll head home so you can leave once she's ready.”_

 

_And that was what we did. On our way home, I sent everyone a few texts asking that someone call me. After a few hours with no replies, a text from Aden finally came. He told me to go to Clarke's and I left immediately._

_He was waiting for me in the driveway when I arrived and stopped me before I headed inside. “Lex, shits been going down…” He was trying to explain the situation, but there was only one thing I needed to know in that moment._

_“Where's Clarke?” When his face fell, my heart stopped. “Is she here? Is she ok?” He nodded and it was then that I realized I was gripping on to his shirt collar. I let my hold go, and pushed past him and into the house._

_As soon as I walked in, I knew one hell of a fight had went down. I could smell the liquor before I saw the broken bottles thrown around the kitchen and living room. The glass coffee table was also tipped over and broken, which made me pick up the pace to Clarke's room._

_I was half expecting the door to her room be locked, but it was wide open. “Love?” My voice cracked as it left my mouth._

_Clarke didn't respond and I didn't see her when I entered her room, but I heard her soft cries coming from the closet. She was sitting on the floor of it, hunched over. I could only see the top of her head, though. She wouldn't look up._

_“Clarke?” I tried in a softer voice. I was so scared in the moment, I really was. I was scared there would be blood. Terrified of being too late and she had hurt herself. And when she lifted her head up, I wanted to scream._

_Her face was red and puffy not only from the crying, but also like she had been hit. There were also nail marks going down her neck. I clenched my teeth and fists at the same time, but she shook her head. “It's my fault… it's all my fault.”_

_The pain in Clarke's voice, dulled the anger building in me to a level where I could keep it under control. “No, Love, it's not.” I took the few steps to the closet and sat in front of her._

_She had moved her hand away when I reached for it and that's when I could see the photo album in her lap. “You don't even know what happened. How can you say it's not?” I hated the look that was in her eyes. I knew that look all too well, and the dark things that were to follow._

_“What happened?”_

_Clarke let out a tired laugh. “I happened, Lexa.”_

_“Clarke…”_

_“No, it's true! Everyone's pain, is because of me!” Her tears started up again, so she brought her hands back up to cover her face. “I know how much I hurt you all when I…” She shakes her head and let's out a frustrated, small scream. Clarke had a tough time saying what she had done and very rarely said it. “I just can't keep doing this. I don't want to destroy you.”_

_“Clarke, you're not going to destroy me?” I reached for her wrists, so I could pull her hands away and she let me. “No one is in pain because of you.”_

_“That's a lie.” She looks down at the photo album and runs her hand over one of the pictures. “Did you know that my dad was a hopeless romantic?” She asked._

_“No, you never mentioned it.” She didn't talk about her dad often, so I didn't know too much._

_She had a sad smile when she looked back up to me. “He and my mom were together since high school. She said he would leave a note or a poem he wrote in her locker every morning for her.” She laughed before flipping through more of the album, which once I got a closer look at, I could tell most of the pictures were burned in some spots. Like they had been tossed in a fire and grabbed shortly after. “He served two years in county and was sentenced right before I was born. He wrote my mom and me every single day. They loved each other so much.” She pulls out one of the photos and hands it to me._

_It was a picture of Abby and Jake sitting on a couch, staring at each other like only lovers do. Like they were looking right back at their entire world. It's the same way that Clarke and I would stare at each other, so I knew it for what it was._

_She hands me another photo. This one was of the couple and they had a young, laughing, Clarke in their laps. I had seen very few pictures of Clarke when she was younger, so I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face._

_“My dad never finished school, but he worked any job he could get his hands on, to be able to provide for us. He was a really good father and husband. And my mom, wasn't always like how she is now. She was smart and kind…” I was handed another photo. This one of mother and daughter. Clarke was maybe five years old, Abby was sitting on a bench, with her arms around Clarke's waist. It kind of looked like Clarke was trying to get away from Abby, but they both had their heads tipped back in laughter. “She was always there for me when I needed her, you know? I could tell her anything… hell, I did tell her everything.”_

_Clarke was quiet for a few moments and just as I was about to try and say something to fill the silence, she continued._

_“And then he died. He died, and in a way… so did she. Everything good in her, was drowned away with fucking booze! I lost both my dad and my mom! I mean she was still here, but she was nothing but an empty shell of a person and I was left all alone.” She let me pull her into my lap and I held her while she let the tears out. I was searching for something to say, anything to help ease the situation, but I couldn't find the right words. So, I just held on tighter. “I can't turn you into that, Lexa.” She whispered it so low, I almost didn't catch it, even though her head was on my shoulder._

_“What? No, that's not going to happen.”_

_“You heard the doctor, I'll never be fixed. It could get so much worse down the line, and I'm not just talking about trying… it again.” When Clarke learned about what most people do when they are in their episodes at the hospital, there was one thing that scared her the most. And that was the fact that sometimes, the sex drive while in a manic episode is heightened. Not only that, but also the sexual behavior becomes more risky. Which a lot of the times, would result in the person cheating._

_“Clarke, you're not going to cheat on me. You're not going to spend all our money gambling and shopping…”_

_“No, just on never ending, months long loony bin visits?” I stiffened, bracing for what I knew I had coming. She had every right to yell at me for keeping something like that from her. But, she didn't have it in her. And I should have picked up on it. “She told me that she can't look at me without seeing him. That it makes her miserable to see him in me, and know that's he's gone.”_

_Clarke did resemble her father in a lot of ways, from what I saw in the old photos. “Where is she?”_

_“Aurora kicked her out, after our fight. She and Octavia are dropping her off at a shelter.”_

_The tension was back throughout my entire body as I remembered Clarke's face. “Let me see.”_

_Clarke pulled her head back so I could look her over, but she wasn't looking at me. She was staring off with that far away look. “I'm going to turn you into her.” She said again._

_I think I might have sighed. I think I did, because I just wished she would believe me. “Clarke…”_

_“Can we just go home?” She was up and out of my lap before I could protest. She flipped to a certain page in the album, pulling out a picture. I couldn't see it because she folded it up quickly before putting it in her pocket._

 

_  
The drive back to my house was quiet and not in our usual comfortable way. We were both in our own heads and I figured if she didn't want to talk we could do it when she wanted. But the night went on and she still said nothing._

_When we climbed into bed, she handed me Romeo and Juliet so we could finish since we didn't have much left to read. “A glooming peace this morning with it brings. The sun, for sorrow, will not show its head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned and some punished…”_

_“…for never was there a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.” Clarke finished the line with me and then started crying._

_“Hey, it's ok.” I placed the book on the table before holding her closer from where she was laying on my chest._

_“I'm sorry…”_

_“You have nothing to be sorry about, shhh. Just get some sleep, Love. You’ll see. Tomorrow will be better, I promise. I love you.” She nodded against my chest and I kissed the top of her head. God, I wish it would have been her lips instead, or both. Why didn't I fucking kiss her properly? If I would have known…_

_“I love you, Lexa.”_

 

_That was the last time I heard Clarke say I love you. The last time I heard her whisper my name. Because the next morning, I woke up alone. At first, I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe Clarke had gone into the main house, or was out on the dock, like she did some mornings._

_It wasn't until I went to go make coffee, that I realized my life was never going to be the same. When I saw Clarke's engagement ring, on the island next to a letter, I froze. I was transported back to that night of Clarke's attempt. I pictured her on the floor next to the other letter she wrote me, the one I never read because it was taken by the Detroit police as evidence. Would the new letter be the same? I didn't know but I was finally able to move my feet to go and see._

_And, well friends, here it is._

 

_  
Lexa,_

_I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I have to do this. I hate this, but I can't do it anymore. My mom was right Lexa. She will be your future, if we keep this up. I'm in my right mind now, but you and I both know that won't always be the case. I don't want to kill myself, I don't. And as much as I can promise that I will never try to do that again... we both know it would be a lie. I'm not always in control. God I wish I was though, then I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to leave, I wouldn't have to hurt you. But if I do this now, you will be saved. I have a chance to save you from the same fate as my mom. If my dad were still alive, he would have done the same for her. He would sacrifice his happiness for hers, and that's what I am doing for you. You deserve so much more than what being with me, will give you... or take away from you. I love you. I love you Lexa with all that I have, but it's not enough to save you, if I stayed. But you know what? You will find someone else. Someone else to love, and build a life with. Someone that is whole, unlike me. I'm broken and can never be put back together. I'm going to hurt you over and over again until I eventually break you. And you're too good. Too good to be ripped apart, one little piece at a time by my craziness until there's no more left of you. And I don't want you to come looking for me, Lexa. Just let me go. I want you to look for the person that's right for you. She's out there somewhere, waiting. Waiting for you, and your giant heart and beautiful soul. And she's the luckiest bitch in the entire world, because she gets to have you, without the never ending fear of breaking you. You're going to have an amazing and happy life with her. There won't be monsters or blood... there won't be the constant worry of my death looming over your head. I hate her obviously, whoever the bitch is, and oddly at the same time I don't. Because she's going to be what I couldn't. She's going to give you all the happiness you deserve._

_I can't help but think that we never should have did this. Do you see why I had those rules in the beginning? Do you see why I told you not to love me? I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. But I need to leave, I need to get as far away from you and everyone else as possible, so you guys can have the life you all deserve. I can't hurt you guys anymore, I just can't. You guys all say that you're ok, but I still see the pain and fear in your eyes when you all look at me. Please Lexa, I'm going to ask again that none of you come looking for me. Just forget me. Move on, do better. Live real lives. Will you just do me one favor though and look after Aden. You're his hero and I can't be one more reason someone I love gets hurt. I'm asking, but I know you would never do that to him, or anyone._

_I'm sorry. Lexa please, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me and go be happy. Go find the girl worthy of being your Love. Because she isn't me. Trust me on this, please._

_I love you, goodbye_

 

 

 


	19. All My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... do you guys hate me? I'm really sorry for how long it took to update. But don't worry the last two chapters are already planned out so they won't take as long to get out.
> 
> I want to apologize for the short chapter, considering how long I have made you wait, but I liked the way it turned out.
> 
> This will be the end of Lexa's book and I'm going to miss writing it so much! 
> 
> Thank you as always, for not giving up on this story and sticking with me. Let me know what you think 
> 
> Much love

_Chapter 13- For you, Clarke_

_“I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.”_

_-F. Scott Fitzgerald, Letter to Isabelle Amorous, Feb 1920_

_I’ll admit, when I finished Clarke’s letter the first time, it felt as if I was being choked. It was like her words wrapped around my throat like a fist, squeezing for all they were worth and I was powerless to them. And I don’t know how long I remained like that, gasping for breath alone in my kitchen, but I know I didn’t move until my phone rang._

_Somehow the ringing of the phone was able to break through the ringing of pain my ears. I scrambled around the loft, looking for it and praying that it was Clarke on the other line._

_“Clarke!” I didn’t even take the time to check the caller ID._

_“Um no… it’s Octavia. I was trying to get ahold of Clarke, but I take it she’s not with you? Is everything ok?”_

_I don’t know how long I was silent, but it was long enough for Octavia to repeat my name a few times._

_“Lexa! What the fuck? You’re scaring me!”_

_“She’s gone.” They were simple words, and yet the hardest ones I’ve ever had to speak._

_“What?”_

_“She left me. She left us.” I reached for the letter and before I could stop myself, started reading it out loud for Octavia._

_After I finished, she was silent for a few seconds and I wondered if the call had dropped._

_“I’m on my way, Lexa. I’ll call everyone and we’re going to find her. She couldn’t have gotten too far.”_

_  
We hung up and all I could do while I waited for her, was read the letter over and over again. Everything in it felt like a lie. There wasn’t someone else out there for me, only Clarke and she wasn’t going to rip me apart. Or turn me into Abby. She had always done the opposite for me. Clarke built me up and made me better. She made me whole, and no matter what a life with her entailed, I would willingly take it. I didn’t want a so called “perfect life” with someone else. That’s not my definition of perfect. Perfect for me, was Clarke, in every way. My perfect was in every jagged piece of her that held the monsters and blood, just as much as in the soft and rounded pieces. Why couldn’t she see that?_

_  
I’d lost count on how many times I had read it by the time Octavia arrived. She had been crying and that was when I realized I hadn’t shed a tear yet. Foolishly, I took that as a sign. I wasn’t crying, because she wasn’t really gone._

_I put the letter back on the island, grabbing my shoes and phone. My adrenaline soared as high as my hope did in that moment. “We’re going to find her. Come on.”_

_  
We met up with everyone at the gym and then searched for hours, hitting up all of Clarke’s favorite spots. It was eerie, the overwhelming sense of déjà vu we all felt. We had been in that position before, searching and wondering where she could be._

_I tried very hard to hold on to my hope that we were going to turn the corner on Woodward Ave, and see her waiting at the bus stop. Or, that when we went back to check the Riverwalk for the fifth time, I would see her head of cotton candy hair, sitting at our spot._

_It didn’t happen though. Not that first day, or the second. And when Octavia suggest we file a missing persons report, I begged her not to give up yet. That we had to check all the spots again one more time. She knew we weren’t going to find her, she knew it and deep down I did too, but still she took pity on me._

_The sun was just setting when we finally made it back to Clarke’s house. My parents were on their way over and were going to take us to the police station to file the report._

_We were all quiet as we sat around the living room. The only sounds had been the clinking of glass and exhalation of smoke, as Aurora and I both had a drink and cigarette. But just because our voices weren’t working, didn’t mean I minds weren’t._

_All of us were thinking the same thing. What if Clarke didn’t just leave… what if she tried to commit suicide again? She had made it seem like she just needed to get away, but it was all there in the front of our minds. In Clarke’s letter she said this would happen, that it would always be on our minds, but that’s not true. Yes, in this instance it was. That’s because of it being almost an identical situation as last time._

_If Clarke had stayed, it wouldn’t be like she said it would be in the letter. There wouldn’t be the constant threat of her death surrounding me. If she would have stayed, we would’ve learned more about her illness together, and worked through it._

_  
Things stayed the same in the living room until we heard someone at the door. We all jumped in unison, hoping it would be Clarke. It wasn’t her. And when I saw Abby walk through the threshold, I lost my god damn mind._

_If I’m being honest with you guys, the pure rage that flowed through me from seeing this woman, scared the fucking shit out of me after the fact. But I can’t deny that it wasn’t there. Or that I didn’t act on it._

_The initial surge of the powerful emotion had me frozen to my seat. It was like I wanted to shout so many things at her, that my mind couldn’t decide on which one, so I just sat there and stared. Once my hands started shaking, it wasn’t long before the tremors spread throughout the rest of my body. There was going to be only one way to stop me, and Lincoln picked up on it only seconds too late._

_He was too slow to stop me from shooting out of my chair pushing Abby against the wall, but took me down in a hold before I could do anything else._

_“No!” I remember screaming so fucking loud that Aden had to cover his ears._

_“Lexa, calm down.” Lincoln said, as he had to constantly fight against my attempts at breaking free._

_“No! She needs to leave!” I remember getting a hand free and punching Lincoln square in the jaw. It didn’t phase him at all._

_Aden and Octavia both went to help Lincoln with me, while Aurora went to escort Abby out of the house._

_“Lex, calm down!” Aden told me once Abby was out of sight but I was still seeing red._

_“This is her fault! If she's here, Clarke won't come back! Get the fuck off me, Lincoln!” He had all of his weight on me and had gotten hold of both my arms again. But some how, I was still able to break free._

_I was out the door so fast, the storm door almost flung off the hinges. It also broke the glass in the door. At that time, I didn’t even care. I saw Abby at the end of the driveway with Aurora and took off towards them._

_The fear in both their eyes, sobered me up quite a bit. Especially Abby’s, because sometimes her and Clarke could look so much alike. It stopped me right in my tracks and made me wonder, would Clarke look that terrified from my reaction? How would she react to me losing all control? Sure, I was angry and I was scared that I would never see Clarke again. And even though I fully believed Abby to be responsible for what had happened, it didn’t make my behavior justified._

_So, instead of continuing my forward attack on Abby, I turned to the brick siding of the house. I punched it twice, not feeling the damage done to my fist if there was any, and started to pace._

_“She’s gone because of you!” I was able to calm myself enough to tell Abby what I thought, without losing control again. I just had to keep pacing with my fists clutched._

_“What is she talking about?” Abby asked, with slurred speech. It made my skin crawl._

_“Abby, Clarke left.” Aurora told her and Abby’s expression didn’t change. And when she shrugged, I nearly lost it again._

_“So? This is what she does. She is just being dramatic.”_

_The laugh I let out, was one I had never heard before. I had never been so blown away, by witnessing such selfishness. This was her own daughter she was talking about._

_“Are you fucking kidding me?” I stalked closer to Abby and Aurora decided she didn’t want to be in the way. She knew Abby deserved what was coming to her and was gonna let me be the one to give it to her. “Do you not see what you’ve done? What you’ve been doing all these years? Do you really not give a single fuck about your daughter?”_

_Abby didn’t have a come back, so she just flipped me off. “Fuck you.”_

_I moved closer, got right into her space, where I knew she could feel my breath as I spoke. “Are you so wrapped up in your own self pity, that you don’t even realize what you put Clarke through? Or how much you have hurt her? Do you even care that sometimes she is in so much pain she just wants to end it all? I understand you lost the person you loved, but in what world does that give you the right to forget about your daughter? And these things you keep saying about her wanting attention and being dramatic, just stop. You don’t even fucking know her!”_

_I stepped back and spit at her feet, just as my parents pulled up. My dad kept his eye on me the whole time, wanting to make sure I was in control._

_Abby was shaking, in what, I didn’t know. As wrong as it was, I’ll admit I hoped it was in guilt or better yet, pain. I wished her to get what she had been giving. An eye for an eye. Deep down, I know that’s not what Clarke would have wanted though. It wasn’t what would bring her home, but I still couldn’t help wish it._

_“Want to know what? You might never get to either, not that you deserve it in the first place. Clarke left, Abby.” I threw my arms out, in frustration. “She’s thinks she’s a burden to us all, which is so far from the truth. And I bet you’re just going to walk in that door and suck down a fucking bottle of whatever is handy, because you don’t care. You don’t. But I do. I’m going to find her and I hope to god you finally put what’s best for her first, and are not here when I bring her home.”_

_With that, I didn’t even spare her another glance. I walked right past her to my parents car and waited for everyone heading with us to the police station to follow me._

_  
My mom ended up staying with Abby, and when we got back from the police station they were both gone. Abby wanted to try rehab again and my mom was more than happy to take her. She believed Abby wasn’t beyond saving and I just remembered praying that was true. If only for Clarke’s sake._

_  
The next week, I was on autopilot. I walked around in a daze, handing out fliers asking if people had seen Clarke. I continued to check her spots everyday and most nights. I couldn’t rest, because when I did, my mind would torture me with the worst case scenario. At that point, all I wanted to do, was know that she was ok._

_That news didn’t come that week. Or the week after, or in that next month. We heard nothing, but that didn’t stop me from looking. That’s why I’m writing this book. I’ve tried posters and billboards. Took out some newspaper adds and started a group on Facebook. But this friends, this is my last chance to reach her._

_By the time this book is published, it will be almost three years since Clarke left. More than anything, I hope that there will be a last minute edit, letting you know that she came home. If not, then I hope she’s out there reading this._

_And just in case she is, I would like to end this book with something that is just for her._

_But before I do, I want to thank you guys for letting me share my story with you. The story of my jigsaw girl and all the many reasons I love her. I hope to be back with an update, perhaps a second book on her coming home. But if not, I want to ask a favor. Tonight, I ask that you to tell your loved ones how much you love them. I want you to take the time to appreciate having them close. Because it can all be taken away in an instant. You never really know what the morning will bring, and everyone deserves to know that they are loved._

_Until next time, friends._

_  
For Clarke:_

_I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.”_

_Cynthia Hand, Boundless_

_  
Hi, Love. I hope you are doing well. And I really hope you’re not mad that I told our story, even though it was part of the deal. Don’t worry, I have the charity picked out where I will be donating all of my earnings from it, too. Did you just roll your eyes as you read that? I bet you did._

_I miss you, Clarke. We all do, and I just want you to know that. You’re still a very important part of my life. You’ve really helped me to put it in perspective. I’ve found my calling Clarke. I found the reason I was put here, and that wouldn’t have been possible if I never met you. So, thank you._

_Are you ok, wherever you are? Are you happy? God, I hope so. I really do. It’s all I could ever hope for you, your happiness and safety. If you are though, happy and safe, I want you to stay put. If you’re life is good, please don’t leave it. Just do me a favor and call Octavia. She wants you to know how much she misses her sister and just wants to hear your voice. She said she also has some big news to share with you._

_You’re mom wants me to tell you something too. She’s been sober since that day I confronted her. She wants you to come home. She wants a second chance at knowing her daughter. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you what to do, because it’s you’re choice. But I promised to at least pass on the message._

_Can I be honest for a second? I don’t know why, but I’m having such a hard time writing this right now. I’ve written you hundreds of letters over the years. Heck, this entire book feels like one actually. I guess when you think about it, that’s exactly what it is. And yes, I realize that I just said the word heck again. I know, I don’t know why I’m like this, either._

_But Clarke, if it hasn’t been very clear up until this point, need you to know, that I’m still very much in love with you. I still care, and I don’t know if I should be saying it, but I’ve never lied to you before. There is no reason to start now, so fuck it._

_With this book, I don’t want you to think that this is me asking you to come home and be with me. Although I promise you, I would never turn that option down. But what this really is, is me telling you that there are people who love and miss you. You’re not a burden to us in anyway, shape or form. Having you in our lives was a precious gift, that were not ready to give back yet._

_I hope I have reminded you that you have a big family out here, and we just want to know that you’re ok. If you’re happy where you’re at, we want to share that with you, not take you away from it._

_But if you’re not very happy where you are and you’re ready… yes, we would love for you to come home again._

_This will probably be my last attempt at reaching out you. Part of me feels like I need to stop. It feels like I’m disrespecting you, since you asked me not to look for you in the first place. But I couldn’t help it, Clarke. You mean everything to me._

_My number is the same, in case you see this and want to call. So is Octavia’s. Also, you can always find me in the city on Sundays. I still go, but it’s not the same without you. You can find me eating lunch at the river in our spot or watching the sunset, near the Ambassador bridge. Is it weird that the colors just don’t seem as bright, when I look at them and you are not there? I don’t know, maybe you just made my whole world brighter._

_But I do hope you read this, Clarke. I hope you have been reminded of all the good we shared and that it wasn’t just the harder times. There were plenty more of the good ones, I could have gone on for ever._

_Regretfully, that won’t be possible. I think I was over the publishers max word limit two chapters ago. Before I go, I just need to tell you one last thing. I want you to know, that I don’t regret breaking your rules, Clarke. Not even for a second. Falling in love with you, and getting to feel your love right back, was more amazing then anything I could have ever asked for in my life. And when you told me in your letter to do better… well Love, I can’t. There is no better for Lexa Woods, than Clarke Griffin._

_I'm not going to say goodbye, because that’s not what I feel this is. I’ll end it the exact way all my other letters have ended. With a promise of what you’ll always have…_

_All my love,  
Lexa_

_  
_


	20. The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man. Ok, so here it goes. I decided to make this the last chapter. I was debating on doing an epilogue but wasn't sure. Maybe I will, I don't know. Let me know what you think after you read the ending.
> 
> This is so bittersweet for me, I don't know what to do. The end is here and I wasn't ready! But I do have to say yet again how thankful I am for everyone who reads this. I hope to have shown insight into a world that may be a little different than yours. Or if it's all too familiar, that you know your not alone. 
> 
> To everyone that commented and shared their stories with me, thank you so much. This story was really hard to get through while writing some of the chapters but your kind words and encouragement really helped. You guys are the best.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @sam-bambino if you ever want or need to talk. 
> 
> Much love friends  
> -Sam

Slowly closing the book, Lexa then placed the it on the night stand. The two of them were both crying, as they held on to each other in bed. It’s all they could do, to numb the pain the memory brought with it.

“I don’t regret breaking my rules either.” Clarke said as she reached for Lexa’s hand, bringing it up to her cheek and lips. “I just wish we didn’t lose so much time.”

“Me too.” Lexa kisses the top of Clarke’s head, and holds her tighter, because she could. “But you know what?”

“What?” Clarke asked, her lips not moving from Lexa’s palm.

“We don’t have to lose anymore of it.” Clarke looks up at her and she can’t help but smile. Even though tears still fell from both their eyes at having to remember the pain they both went through. That pain, which was now being eased with the feeling of being close, after so long of being apart.

Clarke climbed her way up so she could rest her head on the pillow next to Lexa. “Thank you.” She says, as she runs her fingers through Lexa’s curly brown locks.

“For what, Love?”

Clarke playfully scoffs. “For what? For everything! You didn’t give up on me, when I gave up on myself. For defending me, with my mom and…” She looks down. “and, for reminding me what I have. I wish it didn’t take all of this for me to see it. I’m sorry I was so wrong and lost.”

Lexa reaches over and kisses Clarke, putting as much feeling and passion in the kiss as she could. After a few moments they pull away, but still keep each other’s gaze. “We’re going to work hard and together to try and put this past us. Because what everything I said in that book is true. You are a precious gift to me, to us all. My heart will always belong to you, and there is no better for me, than you.” Clarke nods against Lexa’s lips, having went back in just as her last words were said.

They spent the next few hours cuddled into each other, talking about lighter topics and making out like they were teenagers again. Both were incredibly exhausted, but neither wanted to go to bed. Clarke laughs when Lexa yawns real big, then can’t stop herself from yawning too.

“We should probably get some rest.” Lexa admitted, after another big yawn. Clarke holds her stare for a few moments, not saying anything. Lexa watches as tears slowly start to build and she reaches to wipe them the second they fall. “No, what’s wrong?”

Clarke turns her head so she is facing Lexa fully on their pillow. “I know that I said this wasn’t a dream… but what if it is. What if I’m dreaming this right now.”

Lexa shakes her head no before leaning in for a quick kiss. “You’re here with me Clarke, I promise. Neither of us are dreaming this.”

“But what if I am? What if I go to sleep here, but wake up alone back in Chicago?”

“Well…” Lexa lifts her hand to move Clarke’s hair behind her ear and then kisses her lips again softly. “If you are, when you wake up I want you to come home and find me.”

“What if you don’t want me?”

Lexa wanted to laugh at the absurd statement, but knew Clarke was serious in her thinking and would never hurt her feelings like that. “Trust me, I’ll want you.”

“What if that version of you doesn’t.”

At that, Lexa couldn’t control the confident grin she let out. “Impossible.”

“How do you know?” Clarke asks, scooting as close as she could get to Lexa.

“Because Clarke, every single version of me, will want every version of you.” She leans in and kisses her once more.

“Yea?” Clarke asks her, to which Lexa replies with another kiss. One that left absolutely no room for debate.

  
For the next little while, they laid there in silence, just sharing breathes and small touches, before finally falling into a peaceful sleep. Both of them knowing that everything was finally going to be alright.

  
Clarke woke up first the next morning. Lexa had been holding her tight from behind and she had to try really hard to move without waking her. She loved the rare moments in the past when she would wake before her. Where she could take the time to focus on the details of her beautiful lovers face and commit them all to memory. She loved they way Lexa looked when she slept, it was one of her absolute favorite moments to draw. And that’s what she wanted to do more than anything that morning. So, that was what she did.

Sitting at the end of the bed, Clarke’s hand worked quickly against the pad of paper she had in front of her. She knew she didn’t have very long before Lexa woke, and she really wanted to have the memory of how Lexa looked on this morning, because this morning felt different to her. It felt like a new beginning. It felt like the first day of her new life. A life where she belonged.

  
“Hey.” Lexa’s sleepy voice drew Clarke’s attention from the paper in front of her. She was almost done, just needed to add a few details to Lexa’s messy morning curls.

“Hey, back.” She said before looking back down.

“Whatcha drawing?” Lexa asked.

“My heart.” Is all she replied with, causing Lexa to grin. Then she put her charcoal down, and held the picture out so she could check it over. Then she flips it around so Lexa could see. “Do you like it?”

“I love it.” Lexa tells her, honestly. Then holds her hand out for it.

“Yea?” Clarke asks, after she gives her the picture.

“Yes.” Lexa confirms. “You’re amazing Clarke. I know I’ve said it before, and I still stand by it. This, is what you need to be doing.”

Clarke laughs. “Like for a job?”

“Yes. As your career.”A louder laugh comes out of Clarke, which makes Lexa frown. “I’m serious.”

“There is no way.”

“Why?” Lexa asks, before turning the picture around for her. “Look at this detail. Look at how good you are, Clarke.”

“Stop.” She groaned out playfully. “You’re partial anyway, always have been.”

Lexa shakes her head. “No I’m not. And even if I was, do you know how many people have said the same thing?” Clarke gets unusually shy and shrugs. “Basically everyone who has ever seen your art has said that. Plus this is what you love, shouldn’t you be doing what you love.

“Yes, I should be...” Rising off the bed, Clarke grabs the sketch from Lexa and went to go put her things away. When she turns around, she made sure she had Lexa’s full attention before slowly lifting the t-shirt up and off. Lexa’s mouth dropped at the sight of Clarke’s now naked body, which was exactly what she was hoping for.

Some how, she was able to keep her strut back to the bed slow, even though the way Lexa was looking at her, made her want to sprint. She needs to fight her urge to moan, when she finally makes it, and straddles Lexa.

“Is this you distracting me from the topic of conversation?” Lexa asks, moving her hands to grip Clarke’s hips.

Shaking her head, Clarke leans down to capture Lexa’s lips in a hard kiss. “Still on topic. You are what I love, Lexa.” Clarke reaches for Lexa’s wrists and pins them above her head. “Now let me do you.” She swallows up Lexa’s laughter from her cheesy line into a kiss, and goes on to prove her point.

  
They fall back asleep after and don’t wake up again until late afternoon. This time, Lexa woke first. They hadn’t set plans for the day, besides possibly going to dinner at Clarke’s mom’s house, and Lexa knew that could get pretty heavy. So she calls Aden up and asks him to do her a favor for afterwards, hoping it will help to boost Clarke’s spirits if she needs it.

  
When Clarke wakes a little later, she noticed Lexa had placed a tray of breakfast and her pills on the night stand for her. She could hear the shower running and decides to forgo the food. She reaches for her meds, taking them and hops up to join her girlfriend instead.

After they were both showered, Clarke goes back to the bed to eat the breakfast Lexa had made for her, while she had to go make some calls for the group home. Clarke listens to Lexa’s side of the conversation, smiling at the professional manner in which she handled everything.

“Sorry about that, Love.” Lexa said, once she was finished.

She walked up to the bed, where Clarke was sitting cross legged, and acted like she was bending down to kiss her. At the last second, she switched her direction and took a bite of the toast Clarke was eating instead.

Lexa tosses her head back laughing at Clarke’s feigned look of betrayal. “You did not just choose bread over me.” She joked.

“Why can’t I have you both?” Lexa leans in to kiss Clarke for real this time. Clarke lets her, not wanting her charade to stop her from a delicious Lexa kiss.

“Was everything ok?” Clarke asks, while handing over the rest of her toast.

“Clarke…” She lets out a sigh of relief. “Everything is great. I can’t even describe how happy I am, right now.” She smiles her goofy one, before popping the rest of the food in her mouth.

“Yea?” Clarke puts the tray back on the night and scoots to the end of the bed Lexa was standing at. “That was a good call?” She wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist, and smiles when she feels a kiss to her head.

“It was. We were just approved for a huge game changing grant.”

“Really?” Clarke pulls back to see a beaming look from Lexa.

“We’re gonna be able to open up another home and be able to offer a few more programs.”

“That’s amazing, Lexa!” She pulls Lexa down for a congratulatory kiss.

“Yea.” Lexa runs a hand through her hair, bewildered. “I can’t believe it. I need to tell Octavia, she’s going to flip.”

“So go tell her!” She gives Lexa a playful push and slap to her ass. “I’ll be out on the balcony.” Then she grabs her sketchbook and makes her way out there.

  
Detroit had been Clarke’s first love. The beauty, the pain, it all resonated with her. The city told a story that she tried to portray in her art, when it was her subject. It was a story she just realized they both shared. About the world and the damage it can do, and the hope that the right eye could still see the worth from within the wreckage.

She never thought she would see it again, let alone that she would be sitting on the balcony of her dream loft, smack-dab in the middle of it. All because of Lexa. Lexa, who saw her worth by carefully sorting through the rubble that consumed her, while mending every crack with her compassion. Lexa’s strength and love, is what braces Clarke’s foundation until the time it is strong enough to stand again, on its own. And as she looked over her city, Clarke knew she was getting there, that it was time. It was time to rebuild her life and herself. Clarke had finally learned the truth. It was that she belonged in the world and that she could be happy. She belonged in that city, with her friends and family who understood her and never gave up hope. But most of all, the truth had been that Clarke deserved to be loved. She wasn’t too broken for that.

Having been so wrapped up in her own thoughts, she hadn’t noticed that Lexa slipped out onto the balcony. Or that she had been admiring Clarke during her peaceful moment of reflection.

When she finally senses Lexa’s presence, Clarke turns to her, giving her a sweet smile while holding her hand out for her. Lexa doesn’t hesitate to take it, climbing right into the chair with her, switching them around so Clarke could be in her lap.

“I love you.” Clarke whispers in her ear, before kissing the side of her mouth.

“And I you, Clarke. Always.”

  
The two hung around the loft until it was time to go to group. They accepted the invitation to dinner at Clarke’s mom’s that night and Clarke felt that she really wanted to go before having to face Abby. If she wanted a new beginning, she needed to make amends with her past. A lot of the pain Clarke had dealt with, was a result of the relationship she had with Abby. The altercation between the two had been fresh in Clarke’s mind and she knew that it was time to deal with it.

  
When they pulled up, Octavia’s car was parked there and Clarke was more than happy to see her best friend. As soon as she walked through the door and seen Octavia standing at the front desk, she walked up and hugged her from behind.

“Hey.” Octavia said turning around, hugging her back. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Clarke responded, with a huge smile. “Congratulations on the grant.” She whispered this in case the others in the room didn’t know.

Octavia smiled proudly and reached around Clarke to punch Lexa in the arm. “Your mom’s bid for senate really helped garner the attention we needed. I already called to thank her a million times.”

“Yea, but it was your hard work and dedication that really got this for us.” Lexa said. “You really took the lead when I was writing. I appreciate all that you did, Octavia. Seriously.”

“No, it was _our_ hard work and dedication. I didn’t do this alone, fucker. I might have put in a few more hours, but you worked just as hard when you were here.”

“Ok true.” Lexa smiles. “Did you tell Rae? I didn’t get a chance to call her.”

“Yea, she wants to go out and celebrate. Even tried to slip in that she would be bringing her girlfriend, thinking I wouldn’t notice.”

“No way!” Clarke and Lexa both said.

“Yep, they are finally admitting it. So, we’re all going out tomorrow night.” She turns to Clarke. “If you want to.”

Clarke nods just as a man she never met walks in. He smiles at Octavia and places his hand on Lexa’s shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.

“Good to see you Lexa, I keep missing you lately.”

“Hi Dr. I know, sorry about that.”

He waves her off. “Don’t be, Octavia told me why you have been gone.” Then he turns to Clarke, with the same polite smile and holds his hand out. “Dr. Eric Jackson.” He introduces himself.

“Clarke Griffin.” She replies, taking his hand.

He nods in acknowledgment. “It is very good to meet you. Octavia informed me that you were looking for a new psychiatrist.”

She looks to her friend before nodding. “Yes, sir.”

“Well, I have a little bit of time before I have to run. I don’t know if you were here for group, but I could squeeze you in, if you don’t mind missing this session.”

“I think I would like that.”

He smiles and holds his hand out. “Ok, I’ll show you to my office.”

Clarke kisses Lexa quickly before following the Dr through the halls of the home. Once they make it in and he closes the door, and offers her a seat.

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?” He tells her, once he takes his own seat.

She lets out a nervous laugh, bringing one of her hands to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sure you know the whole story by now.”

He smiles and nods. “Yes, I’ve read her book. But I would really like to hear it from your perspective.”

Clarke hesitates, but then reminds herself that this is all part of her treatment. So, she straightens her shoulders and goes on to tell him a shortened version of her story.

One thing she notices is that he doesn’t write anything down. She likes that about him. All her other psychiatrists wrote things while she talked and she hated that. For one, she hated knowing that things about her would be forever written in some file, that people would read and talk about without her there. Secondly, they never really seemed to be paying her much attention, instead were focused on their notes. Dr Jackson listened. He held her eyes, and reacted with what seemed like his true and honest emotions. He was definitely unlike any of her other doctors.

“So the meds you’re on now, the side effects aren’t too much?”

“I haven’t really been taking the correct dosage, but they do seem to have the least amount.”

He nods, but she doesn’t feel like it was out of judgement. “And how long has it been since you’ve experienced an episode?”

Clarke has to think about it. “Six months or so?”

He nods again. “That’s good. Did you experience mania during that one?”

“No, it’s been about a year. That’s when my old doctor switched me to the meds I’m on now.”

He smiles. “Then I think we should keep you on these ones. Make sure you take the full dosage and let me know if any undesirable side effects pop up.” He hands her his card. “I would like to meet twice a month to start, make sure you’re adjusting to being home and to your medication.”

“Sounds good.” Clarke puts the card into her bag, and goes to stand up.

“Clarke…” She pauses and looks at him. “I want you know how brave I think you are. Coming home, trying get you’re life back and especially facing your mom tonight. I was told by many that you were a very special and strong woman. After meeting with you, I can see that they were right. I look forward to working with you and helping in anyway that I can. Please, do not hesitate to reach out.”

Clarke had done so good, she held her tears in the entire time she had been talking to him. Having heard the story from Lexa those couple days had helped her. His words though, they felt good to hear and she couldn’t help the few tears that did fall. “Thank you.”

  
As he was leading her back through the home, she caught sight of Lexa. She was leaning over a desk in one of the rooms, helping to explain something to Tris out of her work book. She stops at the doorway, Dr Jackson seeing who was in there, said his goodbyes and kept going.

Clarke watched them for a minute, smiling as Lexa used her finger to draw Tris’s attention to something on the paper. And laughed when Lexa had to look up and away at some invisible object before continuing with her explanation. She always thought it was cute, thinking it was because Lexa knew so many words, and had to slow herself down before speaking because otherwise, she would go on forever. Sometimes, Clarke wished she would.

It only takes a few more seconds before Lexa catches her eye and waves her in. Tris catches the motion and turns around, her face brightens up when she sees who it was.

“Clarke!” She puts down her pencil and hurried over to give Clarke a hug. “Lexa said you guys finished the book. You doing ok?” She asked the last part quietly.

“You know what, Tris.” She responds in just as quiet of a voice. Then looks over to Lexa, who was still standing at the desk, respectfully giving the two their privacy. “I don’t think that I’ve ever been so happy in my entire life.”

“Yea?” Tris couldn’t hold back her excitement and gives Clarke another hug. “That is so fucking great to hear!”

“Yea, yea it is. Thank you.” She squeezes Tris one more time before letting go. “So what are you guys working on?”

“Oh just some GED stuff. But I know you guys have to be taking off, but I was wondering if we could hang out a bit tomorrow. Maybe before group?”

Lexa walks over to them and puts her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, pulling her close so she could kiss her temple.

“That sound fun, for sure.” And it did.

“Ok cool. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Tris waves to Clarke and fist bumps Lexa before the two walked out.

  
“So what do you think about Dr Jackson?” Lexa asks, while opening the car door for Clarke before getting in herself.

“I really like him.”

“Yea? That’s great, Love. I’m glad you do.” Lexa tells her and then starts the car. “You ready to go to dinner? You going to be ok?”

Clarke looks out at the home, taking in all that Lexa and Octavia had done because of her. “I’m going to be just fine.” She says, turning back to face the love of her life.

  
Pulling up into her mothers driveway, Clarke sees Aurora on the front porch, smoking a cigarette. “I’ll just be a minute.” She tells Lexa and goes to go sit on the porch.

Aurora pulls her immediately into her lap, hugging Clarke as tightly as she could. “I’ve missed you so much, baby girl.” She kissed Clarke’s head before resting her chin on her shoulder. “So, so much.”

“I missed you so, so much too. I’m really sorry for worrying you.” Clarke hold on to her just as tightly, as Aurora begins to rock them in the chair. “We just finished Lexa’s book, and it made me realize something. I was so mad at my mom because I thought she was keeping me from knowing what it was like to have a mother. But really, I had one all along.” She turns in Aurora’s lap, so she was sitting in it sideways and could face her. “You were always there for me and loved me when she couldn’t. I wish I wasn’t so focused on what I didn’t have and took the time to appreciate what I did.”

“I wish I would have done better, saved you some of the pain.” She pulls Clarke to her chest.

“You wouldn’t have been able to. No one could, not even her.” Aurora knew she was talking about Abby. “People keep telling me that I’m strong and I don’t see it yet, but if it is true, then I learned it by watching you. Thank you for loving me and raising me, Ro. I love you.”

“Oh baby girl, I love you too. It was an honor to watch you grow up into a beautiful and yes, strong woman. I’m so glad you came home so I can keep watching you.” She kisses Clarke’s cheeks. “I’m so proud of you.”

They rock in the chair for a few minutes, until Clarke asks what only Aurora would truly know.

“Think I should forgive her?”

“She’s picked herself up, really turned her life around.” Again, this was about Abby. “And I’ve never seen her work so hard. I feel like I have my best friend back.”

“Yea?” Clarke asks, turning to see Aurora answer.

“Yea. But that doesn’t mean you have to do anything you’re not ready to. I want you to put yourself first.”

Clarke nods, having already made her mind. “I am, don’t worry.” She stands, helping Aurora up as well. “Would you do me a favor and ask her to come outside. I think I want to get this over with while I’m feeling brave.”

Aurora smiles and gives Clarke one last kiss. “You got it, baby. Good luck.”

  
Clarke paces while she waits for Abby, suddenly nervous things weren’t going to go as smoothly as she had hoped. She was silently going over what she wanted to say, when her mother walked out.

“Clarke? Ro said you wanted to talk to me.” She walks up the steps, going to stand in front of her daughter. “Is everything alright?”

“You really hurt me, mom.” Clarke wastes no time and just starts getting things off her chest.

Abby was taken back by the timing, but had been expecting this conversation. “I know.”

“I lost dad too. You should have been there to help me heal, and it wasn’t fair that you made me take care of us both. I needed you, and you weren’t there.”

“Honey…” Abby started.

“Just, hold on mom. Let me finish.” Clarke waited for Abby to agree before continuing. “We’ve done this over and over again where I tell you how much you hurt me, so I’m not going to repeat it. I just want you to know, that I’m trying really hard to take my life back, to live my life how I want. And I don’t want it to be hating or resenting you for the past. I’m open to working past this. I’m open to learning how to forgive you… if you can promise that you won’t push me and we take this as slow as I need too.”

Abby had tears running down her cheeks and she had to hug her arms around herself, so she didn’t push any boundaries by wrapping them around Clarke. “That’s all I want, is just a chance Clarke. I promise I won’t push, I’ll take whatever I can get.”

“As long as you keep working on staying sober, I don’t want to miss out on a chance of having my mom back.”

“I promise you, Clarke, I will. And I want you to know how sorry I am. I love you so much, honey.”

“I love you too, mom.”

Abby looked like she was going to combust. “Can I hug you?”

Clarke laughs and holds her arms out. “Of course you can.” Her sentence wasn’t even fully out before Abby had rushed into her arms. Clarke was relieved that things had went the way they had. She was ready to let go of everything she held in and work on building the relationship back up.

  
Dinner went better than Clarke had thought, since she felt like a stranger during the last one. It felt more like old times, with the laughter and the jokes. Lexa even choked when Aurora recited a certain sexy excerpt from Lexa’s book. It took a good hour for the blush to leave her cheeks. Of course, she didn’t really help things by whispering her own favorite sexy scene into Lexa’s ear, asking if they could reenact it that night.

Octavia spilled the beans about her pregnancy, well actually it had been Lincoln. He thought Octavia was drinking wine, and said “you can’t Octavia, the baby”. It had ended up being some of Abby’s nonalcoholic cider. But, the cat was out of the bag and the entire room erupted with the excitement from the Abby and Aurora.

All and all, it had been a great night. Little did she know, it was only going to get better.

  
“So this has been quite the eventful day, huh?” Lexa asked, in the car on the way home.

“Yea, but it’s been good.” Clarke reached for Lexa’s hand, wanting to hold it as she looked out the window. She had asked that they take the long way, down Gratiot Ave instead of the expressway. It was a street that a lot of Detroiters used to cruise around in their custom cars.

Gratiot was where homegrown Detroit muscle met the suped up imports. Everyone liked to show off in front of all the different car clubs that gathered. It wasn’t serious, and all spontaneous races were held in good fun. She and Lexa both had raced their fair share on Gratiot. But Lexa, she never turned down a chance to race when taunted by the revving of another driver.

So, when she heard the familiar sound coming from a Mustang that sat next to them at a red light, she knew it was only a matter of time. As soon as she turned to face Lexa, the 240’s engine roared to life.

“Well, all right then. Hurry up and spank the kid so we can get home… where I’ll let you spank me.” Clarke had timed it perfectly. Due to Lexa’s excitement from her statement, she let off the clutch just as the light turned green and they shot forward, leaving the kid in the Mustang a few car lengths behind.

  
Lexa weaved in and out of traffic to make it home as quickly as possible. Clarke was spurring her on with her hand, as it trailed slowly up and down her thigh before eventually finding its way under Lexa’s shirt and bra. And as soon as they pulled into the parking garage, Lexa shut the car off and kissed Clarke hard, leaving them both breathless.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Lexa said against her lips.

“No time. Now.” Clarke said, pushing Lexa away from her, while she unbuckled both their seat belts.

Lexa pushed her seat all the way back, just as Clarke was climbing on top of her and they continued their heated kiss. Lexa was fumbling with the button on Clarke’s jeans, and she pushed her hand away to help. They didn’t have much room in the car, but they didn’t need it.

The second Lexa’s long, slim fingers found their way into Clarke’s jeans, she couldn’t help her moan. She was so turned on, she knew she wasn’t going to last very long.

Car sex was not something new for the couple. In fact there had been countless times when Clarke couldn’t wait and needed to have Lexa right in her car. She loved how the tight space forced them to be closer than they could ever get in their bed. Being able to grip the headrest as she ground her hips against Lexa’s hand, was another one of those things she never thought would happen again. And as Lexa’s fingers pushed deep into her, hitting that perfect spot, she had never been more thankful for getting another chance at it.

It took no more than a few minutes, and Clarke was silently screaming her release into Lexa’s shoulder, as her hips stilled. Lexa nipped and sucked on her neck as Clarke pulsed around her fingers and she felt so good and satisfied in that moment, she could have cried.

Knowing Lexa was far from done with her, Clarke raised up as much as she could in the tight space, so Lexa could get her hand out from Clarke’s pants. She pulled back to see Lexa’s blown out eyes and wanting expression.

“Do we have time to go upstairs now?” Lexa asked, breathing heavy from her need. Clarke could practically hear Lexa’s heart pounding. She nods and with a quick kiss, lets Lexa lift her back into her own seat so they could get out.

 

  
The entire way up to the loft was a complete blur for Lexa. They couldn’t keep their hands from each other and just needed to be close. They needed to feel each other’s skin and taste each other’s breath but more than that, they needed to feel complete. Lexa always talked about how Clarke was her jigsaw girl, and how she loved all the different pieces of her. What she failed to mention, was how all of Clarke’s pieces, fit perfectly with all of hers. Clarke and Lexa will always belong together, and that is just a fact.

  
As soon as they walked through the door, shoes were being kicked off and shirts went flying. They almost didn’t make it to the bedroom, but Clarke ended up being able to entice Lexa to follow the rest of the way.

When they finally made it, they were both completely undressed and didn’t break their kiss until the back of Clarke’s knees hit the bed. Lexa laid Clarke down softly, admiring the beautiful body below her, before settling herself between Clarke’s legs. She noticed Clarke was shaking below her and brought her hand up to caress her cheek.

“Are you cold, Love?” The question brought her right back to their first time.

“No.” Clarke said, as her jaw chattered a bit. “I just never thought I would have this again. This feeling of being…”

“Whole?” Lexa finished for her and Clarke nodded in agreement.Bending down, she kissed Clarke’s lips softly before pulling back so she could look her in the eye, so Clarke could search for the lie she had yet to find. “I’m sorry, but I’m never letting you go again.”

For the first time, Clarke didn’t need to search. She knew the truth and even spoke her own. “You won’t ever have to.”

If there was anything left to be said, they let their bodies do the rest of the talking for them. The two never felt more connected as they did that in that bed, fading completely into the other. If you could see a persons soul, after that night, you wouldn’t have been able to tell where Clarke’s ended and Lexa’s began. In the love they made and shared in those next few hours, the two truly became one.

  
It took everything in Lexa to convince Clarke to get out of the bed and go watch the sunrise at the Riverwalk. She wished they could stay in the room, in that bed, that moment forever. But Lexa had one more thing she wanted to show Clarke, now that she was home.

“It will be worth it, Love. I promise.” Lexa grabbed some of her own clothes from her dresser and gave them to Clarke before going to her closet for one of her hoodies.

After they were dressed, they walked hand in hand through the streets, taking their time as they did. Lexa made sure to bring a blanket and Clarke’s sketchbook, knowing she wouldn’t be able to resist drawing the sight.

When they arrived at their spot, Lexa drapes the blanket and her arm around Clarke, earning herself a sweet kiss in thanks. Once the sun finally peaked over the horizon, she watched Clarke draw the scene displayed before them. It was a beautiful sight to behold and wasn’t just from the pretty colors in the sky. It was mostly due to the pretty girl beside her, drawing them.

They watched until the sun made its way over Canada and decided to head back. Lexa made sure they took the long way back again, so they could make it to her last stop, which held her surprise. She wasn’t sure if Clarke was going to notice her gift, or if she would need to point it out. But really, she should’ve known better.

“Lexa, they have pieces set up!” Clarke was talking about in the studio that was across from their building. She dropped Lexa’s hand and started to jog the last dozen yards so she could see them. When she skidded to a halt, Lexa knew she noticed. “Oh my god.” Her eyes go wide and she has to cover her mouth. “These are mine?”

“They’re yours, Clarke.” Lexa told her, once she made her way next to her. Lexa pulled out a set of keys and handed them to Clarke. “This is yours.”

Clarke couldn’t take her eyes of the keys Lexa was holding out, not really believing what she was seeing. “Mine?”

Smiling, Lexa nods and urges Clarke to take the keys. “Go check it out, I had Aden set it up last night.”

Hesitant but still curious, Clarke finally takes the keys and opens the door. Her art was framed and set out on different sized easels throughout the open room. The drawings were old ones, most she had given out as gifts to those she loved.

Lexa goes over to the wall where a few switches sat and flipped them, turning on the soft spot lights, to help illuminate the art work. She also flips a different one, and soft music started playing from a few speakers that were installed throughout the space. She thought it would give Clarke an idea of what she could turn this place into.

Clarke walks up to the first picture, it was a bigger piece she had given to Aden of the Detroit skyline. Underneath, taped to the easel, was a note from Aden. In it, he mentions how much he has always loved it, that it helps him when he’s homesick for the city and where it hangs in the barn- right in the middle so he can see it from every room.

Then she moves on to the next one, a picture she had given Octavia. It was one she drew of her and her dad and there was a note attached to this one as well. Octavia wrote how touched she had been when Clarke had given it to her for Christmas, the year after both their dads had died and how it hangs in her living room with all the other family photos.

“What is all of this?” Clarke asks before moving on to the next one.

“This is what you should be doing. Clarke, you’re an artist and a damn good one at that. We just wanted to show you the impact your art can have, if you choose to share it.” Lexa met Clarke at the last display. It was the flower, Lexa’s favorite picture of all time.

Clarke run her fingers over the wilting pedals. “You still have it.”

“Of course. It’s my favorite.” Lexa says as Clarke looks and sees that there was no note. “You know how much it means to me, so I won’t repeat that. But, it usually sits on my nightstand. Except for when I was writing our story, it was always on my desk. It helped me feel closer to you while I replayed and typed out the memories.”

“I can’t believe you did this, on top of everything else. I don’t know what to say.” Clarke says looking around her studio.

“Tell me that you’re not going to put up a fight over taking this gift.” Lexa raises an eyebrow making Clarke laugh. Then she reaches her hands out, cupping both hands on Clarke’s cheeks, leaning in for small kiss. “Say that your going to move your desk in here and draw things that are just as beautiful as you. Promise me, that your going to do what makes you happy. In your work, in your life… in love.”

Clarke stares back in awe, wondering how on earth she could ever get so lucky. How she had missed it all that time ago. She wouldn’t make that mistake again though. “I promise. Thank you, Lexa.”

Just as Clarke leaned in to kiss Lexa, a familiar song started playing. It was another from Ray LaMontange named “Hold You in My Arms”. They started to sway with the song, standing in the middle of the room, just holding on to each other. The lyrics were just too perfect in that moment.

 

_When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears_  
It was easy to see you’d been crying  
It seems like everywhere you turn, catastrophe it reigns  
But who really profits from the dying

_I could hold you in my arms_  
I could hold you forever  
And I could hold you in my arms  
I could hold you forever

_When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions_  
It’s my worried mind that you quiet  
Place your hands on my face   
Close my eyes and say  
Love is a poor mans food  
Don’t prophesize

_I could hold you in my arms  
I could hold you forever_

_Now we see how it is_  
This fist begets this spear   
Weapons of war  
Symptoms of madness  
Don’t let your eyes refuse to see  
Don’t let your ears refuse to hear  
Or you ain’t never shake this sense of sadness

  
Lexa sings the last chorus softly to Clarke, meaning every word.

  
_I can hold you in my arms_  
I can hold on forever  
And I could hold you in my arms  
I could hold forever

 

  
As the violins played the last bars of the song, the two continued to dance and Clarke couldn’t help but look up at Lexa, from where she was being held tightly in her arms. “I love you, Lexa.”

Lexa smiles down at her, that same one only she ever gets to see and pushes some of Clarke’s hair back. “I’ll love you, for always. Everything’s going to be all right now.”

“I know.” Clarke says, laying her head on Lexa’s shoulder, waiting for the next song. She wasn’t ready to leave this perfect moment and hoped it would last forever. “I do.”

 

 


End file.
